Let's Read: Book Club 19

[Minato Namikaze]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don't. Please.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• To claim your Book Club bonus, please include a link to your review (along with the text ‘Book Club’) in the active Fortnightly Gains topic.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).

Retroactive Book Clubs:
As you all know, Book Club finishes in line with Fortnightlies, usually (the last one had been open for 4 weeks so I closed it a little early and put the new one up a little early as well). But that doesn't mean they are gone forever!

If you missed out (or miss out) on any Book Club, you may go back and review it for OM. For each 'retired' Book Club thread you post in, you may qualify for 100 OM. However, you must review all the works to receive this, unless one of the topics was written by an inactive member.

The Steps:

• Open up an old Book Club in the Creative Corner
  
• Read and review all the threads picked for the two weeks (unless the author is inactive).
  
• Post a link to this review in the Fortnightly Gains thread with the following format - "Retro Book Club #[number here] - *LINK*"
  You must use that format
  
• As always, follow all the rules for Book Clubs. Just because they're older threads doesn't mean you can just give poor feedback. Failure to live up to the standards of the Book Club or any attempt at rehashing or recycling reviews (or trying to get rewarded for a Book Club more than one time) will result in losing OM, an angry letter from staff, and the potential loss of Book Club privileges.

This Bi-week's readers digest

Of Mice and (proto) Men - A thread that includes both Mickey and Proto, what's not to love!?

To Fell the Fel - Fel orcs are dicks.

This Season's Events

Colosseum Tournament - Since it's not all in one thread, I just linked to the Camelot Forum. Just pick one fight that you wish to review.

Secondary Saga - Phase 4 or Phase 5 - At the request of Dark Link, this has been carried over into the next book club. It is up to you which phase you chose, you also do not need to read the entire thread. I'm going to suggest that you pick a specific person and review their posts only, to make things easier for those who wish to review either of these threads.

Shameless Self Promotion

An Alchemist's Task: Damsel in Distress - Edward embarks on a journey through the Vasty Deep to Rescue a fellow Alchemist. The thread isn't finished, but I am interested of what people think of it so far.

[Kakashi Hatake]

An Alchemist’s Task: Damsel in Distress

I had never read anything that you had written as Ed until now (shame on me). The first thing that needs to be said is that I think you’ve captured Fullmetal’s personality and dialogue perfectly. I, myself have a bad habit of warping a character that I’m writing to be more similar to my own personality and you seem to have a much easier time with this than I do. Having watched both FMA series, I also really appreciated the little references to past tales. They were well done, as they catered to those that are familiar with the source, but were described enough that those who are unfamiliar can still understand the character’s motivation. The milk line cracked me up. =D

Another thing that I think you did well was the combat. The fighting was, again, Edward to a tee; diving in fists flying, taking on a creature many times his own size to help a new friend at the expense of his own well-being. The hydra scene reminded me of the first fight in God of War, which is a very good thing. I got the same kind of ‘ohshitohshitohshit’ feeling, which is probably what Ed’s inner monologue was xD. Also, the sodium reaction was equal parts unexpected and awesome. I was wondering how those two were going to fight off an angry Hydra. I had expected to see him use the pocketwatch to boost his strength, and I'm glad you opted for a solution more in-tune with the character instead of just brute-forcing through it. I’m sad that I didn’t get to read Choprot using that awesome cannon-arm, though. Or at least pistol-whipping with it. =P

If I had to be picky and make a few suggestions, my biggest issue would be with the formatting. Some of the paragraphs are rather large and could maybe be split to make reading a little easier. Likewise, some of the dialogue paragraphs look a little odd squished together and it can make the material hard to read. Though, from what I’ve seen in your Minato posts you seem to have already rectified these two points. Otherwise, I’d be sure to look the post over once or twice before posting, as I did notice some typos and spelling/grammars, nothing that distracted too much from the story, but worth noting. Lastly, I’d try to work on choosing different descriptors for the characters. You’ve more or less just repeated the characters names when referencing them, which is completely fine for readability, but changing it up every now and again with ‘the adolescent alchemist’ or something can give it a nice flair.

Aside from that, great job! Overall I’m excited to see where this goes. I’m hoping that Al magically shows up somehow (hint hint) because the Elric brothers busting heads with alchemy’d spears sounds epic. I don’t want to ruin the narrative that you’re working on, just an idea haha. I look forward to the next installment. =D

[Jade Harley]

So, as a sort of foreword, let me just say that I noticed that a lot of people(but not everyone) seemed to have trouble getting through the first one or two posts of the Colosseum tournament. And by ‘trouble’, I mean there were posts made and the chat box was filled with agonized pleas for merciful grading. While this was sometimes a bit befuddling to read, seeing as their posts were perfectly fine, I can see where they’re coming from.

Now, onto the actual review thing! I wasn’t sure if I could give my thoughts on more than one fight, but I’ll post this one now and try to give my thoughts on a few more later, if that's okay.

Colosseum - Round 1, Group A - Gildarts vs Bandit w/ No Name

First Post, Gildarts:

Okay, let me say right off that this was a STRONG starting post, totally befitting of the Strongest Prime. The imagery flowed smoothly, it wasn’t muddled with a bunch of unnecessary details and odd descriptors, and I could totally envision the Colosseum with the bloodthirsty crowds shouting down at the contestants to destroy one another in the goriest way possible.

I have no familiarity with the character of Gildarts past what I have read on the Omniverse, but if I did I’m certain that this portrayal would be spot-on. You can really see what he’s seeing, feel how he feels about this fight, and overall get a significant portrayal of an honorable, upright character. I especially enjoyed the glimpses of how Gildarts views himself in relation to how the crowd views him— it was a very interesting tidbit of information to add in, and it only improved the overall ‘feel’ of the post. I'm not sure if that was intentional, but I liked it. I'll be saying that a lot, ahah.

The description of BWNN was rad. Words like ‘insidious’ and ‘sparks’ and ‘spiked’ just… dang. The usage of the phrase, “the distinguished skull panted on her face could be seen haunting him from across the battlefield,” was especially rad, even if there was a typo. It didn’t detract from the work because the image was so vivid, so I didn't catch it until the second read-through. Also, the fact that Gildarts has a code of morals that he follows is further emphasized by the little nod his gives BWNN, which was a great callback to the earlier parts of the post. A great use of action to provide physical evidence of a less tangible part of the characters personality, in my opinion.

Then, this great sentence was placed in there:

The strap of her rifle nagged on her shoulder, she had to remind herself from the distracting thought, that there wasn't enough time, or maybe there was.

Oooooooo, chill bumps, you guys! The fight’s about to begin! And then, it does.

The next paragraph, as BWNN begins to charge at Gildarts and make use of her rifle, might seem a liiittle choppy to someone who’s less worried about the content and style of the paragraphs than how easy it is to read. However, this is a very real depiction of how combat is— it’s fast-paced, it’s made up of movement and deafening sound, and it’s only got a smidgen of dialogue to wrap it up with a sweet little bow:

Bandit calculated their lack of effect, "Damn."

My thoughts exactly, Bandit. Damn.

I’m not sure how to describe this next portion without the gratuitous use of onomatopoeia. There are some things that just gotta have some sound effects. This post definitely deserves a ‘ssssssssawwWHHOOOSH!!!!!!!!’ It was that awesome. It’s hard for me to describe how much I liked this part, because the combination of Gildarts’ sudden blindness with BWNN’s fast approach was described perfectly. There’s nothing that I would have changed to improve upon this post, that’s for sure.

A few grains later,

(Lovin’ it already.)

the speared hammer daunted just over his head. Her biceps readied, her form perfect, as the blow threatened to fall.

All I can think is, “Wow! That was a close call!” She literally almost whacked him upside the head with a gigantic hammer, but it’s just a show of Gildarts’ skill as a fighter that he is able to evade the blow with his magic and some melee.

–he crushed another punch into her. She met his brutality with a bit of her own as his jaw was slammed into his tongue and the bandit was briefly filled with pride.

They’re both kicking some major butt right now. Man, but then Gildarts is cornered and is trying to get out of there like a spitting cat or something, and it’s very apparent that, despite his skill and experience, he has made a mistake. He’s made a mistake in battle with an *upstart fighter*, although the BWNN’s background is very violence-oriented.

Gildarts doesn’t know this. He’s madder than a wet hen. He thinks he can just hold her down for a while; BWNN quickly proves him wrong and slams her head into his face. Ouch. Anyone who’s rough-housed with a sibling or childhood friend knows what that is like, and it isn’t pleasant. I think that the actual pain could have been described more, but from the memory-pain I am experiencing right now, it won’t be altogether necessary. That might just be me, though. I would have said something preposterous like “a railroad spike being drilled into his head” or something, which would be an ostentatious exaggeration, so.

It took me maybe a little under three minutes to read this post in its entirety, but that wasn’t because it was a difficult read. The writing and characters were just so engaging— you can’t not lend a little extra reading time for that.

Second Post, Bandit With No Name:

I’m sorry, but I find it hilarious how these two characters end up beating the living daylights out of each other at the end of both posts, but like, in reverse. I just thought that was great, I’ll get to the actual review thing now.

Okay, Bandit is the new fave around here. Number One Coolkid On The Block, there we go. I wouldn’t be surprised if either of these two make it to the finals— or whatever we’re calling it now, because they’re both capable of kicking some major ass.

Let’s start off with the images presented in this post, then, which I think are spectacular:

Gildarts recoiled, white grease paint smeared over the bridge of his now-bruising nose. The magical proctor grimaced as the raider swatted his firm grip from her shoulders and planted her hands on either side of his head, interlacing her fingers at the nape of his neck. Tugging down with her powerful biceps, she grunted brutishly and drove her armor-plated knee up into his chin, snapping his head back viciously.

You can’t tell me that you didn’t see this play out word-for-word in your head. They’re in close-quarters; movement should be a little jilted but is still brutally efficient. And it’s shown to be just like that, which is fantastic! They’re getting down and dirty, now, as combat should be.

Now, imagine that you’re in BWNN’s boots. You’ve just totally pwned this guy, or at least you think you have, and you’re feeling good. Maybe you’ll win this, after all. This magicky guy isn’t all that. The sickest fires of battle are running through your veins and this fella hasn’t got shit.
And then— then you glance up, and he’s hardly got a scratch on him. Imagine that terror, like a shot of white-hot adrenaline spreading through your body, aching in your legs and twisting your tongue. Hold it with you. It will stoke the forge of your passion and give you the will to go on when there is everything left to lose. AWESOME.

Bandit’s subsequent hesitation, her shock, is all it takes for Gildarts to give her a good whop upside the head and send her skidding off. When she regains her footing, however, she admits to having underestimated her opponent. Thus, both combatants are more or less guilty of the same mistake, although Gildarts’ was in thinking that BWWN wouldn’t pull a nasty move and Bandit’s was in believing that Gildarts was unskilled in hand-to-hand. Or, at least, that’s the impression I’m getting.

“But for some kinda’ magical fuckbird…” The woman cranked down on the throttle grip of her maul, a guttural roar churning out of the spike-laden engine that was situated as the head of the weapon. Fire spat out of the protruding exhaust pipes, flickering over the tip of her cigarette, and she breathed in deeply. A haze of fumes encircled the bandit as she exhaled a thick column of smoke, “… you’re pretty tough.”

Dude. Duuuuuuuuude. You all remember this post, right? I bet that small child is gaping like an awe-stricken goldfish right now. This is some fantastic imagery, I am amazed by how awesome this is. Radness Level is at its peak or something.

SURPRISE. THE POST GETS RADDER. There’s a really good quote, I think, that describes exactly how this whole thread feels to me— how the characters are portrayed and revealed. Here we go:

“If you tell the reader that Bull Beezley is a brutal-faced, loose-lipped bully, with snake’s blood in his veins, the reader’s reaction may be, ‘Oh, yeah!’ But if you show the reader Bull Beezley raking the bloodied flanks of his weary, sweat-encrusted pony, and flogging the tottering, red-eyed animal with a quirt, or have him booting in the protruding ribs of a starved mongrel and, boy, the reader believes!”
—Fred East

The imagery, man. The imagery. Now, I’m not usually one for, like, English Lecture Hall Time or anything, but the word choice in this was spot-on. I’m trying to find the right words to describe this, since this writing is so good and therefore I feel as if I have to describe how great it is really, really well, but… I mean, heck. It’s like thunder and lightning are getting ready to rumble up in here, dry lightning snapping across the sky like a whip and thunder rumbling like it’s got something to say, you guys.

In short, the part where Gildarts and BWNN are flung about like rag dolls by the explosion-flare-thing of their magic and hammer, respectively, is awesome. “The delicate composition of the scene shattered,” was a great way of describing what’s going on, like that part in a cinematic masterpiece where the characters all slow down before the blast wave reaches them, and the expressions “volatile force” and “diesel-powered wave of pressure and flame” were also exceptionally used.

Did you see what I said in the paragraph before this? Cinematic. That’s an excellent way to describe how this post is. It’s very detail-oriented, but focuses on the big picture at the same time; you’re getting an amazing painting with little nit-picky details here and there that can still be easily viewed from a fair distance. You don’t have to read too far into the passage and strain your brain muscles to get the gist of what’s going on, although you still can, which I think is a great sign in any person’s writing. I have trouble doing that kind of thing myself, so I’m very impressed.

Both characters have been hit by a pretty powerful blast. They’re proooobably not coming back from that without being at least a little topsy-turvy. This is excellently portrayed in BWNN’s post— the jilted walking, the whacky effects to her insides and head in general. There is a brief stall in the battle where they are both, on the face of it, trying to regain their footing or at least slightly recover from the fiery detonation.

I don’t know why, but I really liked the part about the tip of the shoe and Bandit getting all hyped up about taking Gildarts out. In my head, when I was first reading this, I thought, “Wow, has she really got him? Is BWNN going to win?” I could tell that it was a really triumphant moment for this character, which made it all the more devastating when she was hit with a wave of magic and blown clear across the arena.

All in all, I’m super excited to see what happens after this. I’m not even going to attempt to figure out who will win; these writers are both great.

[Gildarts]

If you're considering reviewing a Camelot fight, I wanted to suggest Okor V Weiss,as I was already going to submit them for a good read, but some C&C would be helpful too.

[Stephan Donnel]

Asking for review on the posts and writing in general. Would be nice to see some to know what should I change.

[Minato Namikaze]

Asking for review on the posts and writing in general. Would be nice to see some to know what should I change.

What is to be reviewed is in the OP of the thread, but I will take this as a nomination for the Next book Club thread

[Minato Namikaze]

I'm going to just put a reminder here that Book Club is almost over. If there are any threads that people would like to nominate for Review, please mention them here.

Edit: Some threads will be carrying over into the next one, but I can always add more, for more variety

[Corporal Light]

Ah screw it
I'll shamelessly nominate myself because I'm still a stickler for critique

Day 2 - Recovering thread. Pick any post you want.
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[Minato Namikaze]

Book Club is now closed. The new book club will be up soon, but we're going to be trying out a new way of doing it, so bare with me for a little while.