Let's Read: Book Club #18

[Minato Namikaze]

Okay, It's been a while, and I thought it was time to get this going again. I will be taking over for now, and will do my best to get these up on time.

The Book club is a bit late, I know, but they typically run along side the Fortnightly gains. So you have until the current fortnightly ends to review any of the topics here.

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you'd like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn't need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful 'to you' it certainly doesn't make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn't mean you can't criticize, but there's a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions, don't say something about the topic is 'wrong' or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member's next post for them: be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you're free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting, I wouldn't recommend making a 'scoring' scale. This isn't competitive and you're not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim, especially the wordy topics, you're likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don't want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don't make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you're just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused, I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don't. Please.
  
• As a final point: yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• To claim your Book Club bonus, please include a link to your review (along with the text ‘Book Club’) in the active Fortnightly Gains topic.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don't do it for some reason).

Community Nominations:

Mind Games
The Face of Your Father
The Hunt for Home

My Pick:

Secondary Saga - Phase 4 or Phase 5 - It is up to you which phase you chose, you also do not need to read the entire thread. I'm going to suggest that you pick a specific person and review their posts only, to make things easier for those who wish to review either of these threads.

[Minato Namikaze]

9 Hours until this closes

Edit: In hind sight (and the recommendation of Dark Link) I have decided to leave this open for an extra two weeks - so until the end of the next fortnightly. The past two weeks have been busy ones, I can attest to that on the staff side of things. But with the SS (secondary Saga) going on, and an influx of new players along with mock and actual fights happening I can see how people haven't had time for this.

[Reece]

Ah, so this is what Book Club is. Neat. I'd seen it mentioned a couple times, but never really got around to asking. I'll really have to give this a shot at some point. I guess I'll need to find and read up on some older BC entries as well, to get some ideas as to how to go about writing a review which is actually helpful... well, there goes another huge chunk of my spare time. :roll:

[Kakashi Hatake]

My first Book Club post, so apologies if I messed this up. Obvious spoilers follow.

The Face of Your Father

So, I’ve never played Borderlands, but this thread made me really want to go buy it. And it wasn’t JUST the epic battle at the end though it certainly didn’t hurt =P. Even though I’ve had no real exposure to the games or similar media (still haven’t seen Fury Road yet, I get the idea that it would have the same vibe), the descriptions of the bandits (especially BWNN) painted a clear picture in my mind of a gang of ultra-violent marauders pillaging the desert.

Character-wise, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how fantastic is was to see Book in this thread. I had seen that Thaal had NPC’d him, but for some reason it took me completely off-guard (in the best way). And it needs saying that Thaal captured his kind of ‘humble kindness’ perfectly. As for Caret, not sure if you two were trying to make me think of Kaylee, but that’s definitely how I saw her (but redhead). Eighteen’s dialogue especially made me laugh and imagine it in her voice (“last I checked, sheets aren’t really in season”).

I really liked the dynamic that Caret and BWNN had throughout; despite how different they were, they got along like sisters. It was interesting to see BWNN as more of an ‘honorable’ bandit if that makes sense. She could have easily jumped Book and Caret when she got better and robbed them blind, but instead she took Caret (and some snacks) under her wing. I got the feeling that giving Caret control of the turret, especially with BWNN having the history she’s had, was really a big show of trust. Hell, I think trust in any form is not something she’s used to. Also, I appreciated the Starcraft reference. =P

The battle at the camp was brilliantly done. I got a real gladiator vibe when the two squared off, with the bandits showing little loyalty to their leader and screaming for bloodshed. I was genuinely concerned when none of BWNN’s shots were hitting (the same gun that literally tore holes through people normally) and Sledge whipped out the shotgun. I had seen Thaal write in his join post for her that the secondary version of her had died and the way the battle was going initially, I was sure this was the end for her. Until she nabbed the big guy’s hammer, that is. Had I read her current log page I’d have seen this coming, but I’m glad that I didn’t.

On the technical side, there were only a handful of typos and none that really took away from the reading at all. There was a great balance between dialogue and description. I wasn’t weighed down with huge blocks of dry description nor was I drowned in text. I feel like this made for great pacing throughout. Overall, excellent work by two excellent writers.

One small question, though. With what we saw between Book and BWNN and bearing in mind the title of the thread...plot twist?!

[Thaal Sinestro]

My first Book Club post, so apologies if I messed this up. Obvious spoilers follow.

[spoiler]The Face of Your Father

So, I’ve never played Borderlands, but this thread made me really want to go buy it. And it wasn’t JUST the epic battle at the end though it certainly didn’t hurt =P. Even though I’ve had no real exposure to the games or similar media (still haven’t seen Fury Road yet, I get the idea that it would have the same vibe), the descriptions of the bandits (especially BWNN) painted a clear picture in my mind of a gang of ultra-violent marauders pillaging the desert.

Character-wise, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention how fantastic is was to see Book in this thread. I had seen that Thaal had NPC’d him, but for some reason it took me completely off-guard (in the best way). And it needs saying that Thaal captured his kind of ‘humble kindness’ perfectly. As for Caret, not sure if you two were trying to make me think of Kaylee, but that’s definitely how I saw her (but redhead). Eighteen’s dialogue especially made me laugh and imagine it in her voice (“last I checked, sheets aren’t really in season”).

I really liked the dynamic that Caret and BWNN had throughout; despite how different they were, they got along like sisters. It was interesting to see BWNN as more of an ‘honorable’ bandit if that makes sense. She could have easily jumped Book and Caret when she got better and robbed them blind, but instead she took Caret (and some snacks) under her wing. I got the feeling that giving Caret control of the turret, especially with BWNN having the history she’s had, was really a big show of trust. Hell, I think trust in any form is not something she’s used to. Also, I appreciated the Starcraft reference. =P

The battle at the camp was brilliantly done. I got a real gladiator vibe when the two squared off, with the bandits showing little loyalty to their leader and screaming for bloodshed. I was genuinely concerned when none of BWNN’s shots were hitting (the same gun that literally tore holes through people normally) and Sledge whipped out the shotgun. I had seen Thaal write in his join post for her that the secondary version of her had died and the way the battle was going initially, I was sure this was the end for her. Until she nabbed the big guy’s hammer, that is. Had I read her current log page I’d have seen this coming, but I’m glad that I didn’t.

On the technical side, there were only a handful of typos and none that really took away from the reading at all. There was a great balance between dialogue and description. I wasn’t weighed down with huge blocks of dry description nor was I drowned in text. I feel like this made for great pacing throughout. Overall, excellent work by two excellent writers.

One small question, though. With what we saw between Book and BWNN and bearing in mind the title of the thread...plot twist?![/spoiler]

Oh man, I really appreciate your feedback! I promise you'll get a payoff on the thread title soon

[Gildarts]

BC 18
Sorry it took me so long. ^^;

The Face of Your Father

I had read this one a while back, and marveled at how well done it was. I also wanted to reiterate, that I really loved the way 18 pronounced Caret, and when this was written, it was her perspective that really made me appreciate the character and to come, her relationship with the bandit. Now I’ll take the time to re-read and reflect on the story.

It starts out totally immersive. But not in the way you’d expect. Suddenly with just a few lines of dialogue, you’re there, with the bandit, learning her story, feeling inclined to ask more, feeling your ears incline to listen. There’s something about the way Frisco writes that always jumps off the page, I love his style and his word choice, and I love that when he writes, he seems to speak to the reader, but still dictate the story to perfection.

Introducing, the bandit. Eighteen’s style is concise and powerful. She makes a statement, with just a sentence. It’s always impressive how she shows the strength of her voice, yet when you read, your mind can snag on a few details that layer the setting, or the storyline with details that wrap your mind and unravel with interest.

(Just a small example)

That's where Caret came in. There was only the sunset and the sunrise in her world. The glow of the sand was the very best thing. When night came over the world it was dark, and cold, and a lifeless place. This was when she usually slipped away and tinkered and fiddled with bobs and ends.

For the future, I will say that during the first time I read the thread, I was a bit confused and thought Caret WAS the bandit with no name (idk how I took it from what was said, it just happened). It was quickly clarified later, and well, visually, but I just wanted you to know, due to the style of the posting order etc. that it was my initial interpretation.

Immediately, I see the connection I feel eighteen has when she displays Caret. The initiative Eighteen takes when she conveys the character is all her own. Word choice was keen, and I felt almost like she was writing someone whose thoughts she knew intimately (like herself or a sister). The connection between the character and her writing, descriptions, and the emotion behind it, was there.

I liked the part about the cars, “steel for steel, blood for blood” was very mad-max-y and I thought it was cool, reminded me of the new movie/remake, which was pretty awesome.

Her heart pounded heavy even as the panic subsided, her body tense and coiled, ready to do battle once again.

.. I just liked that sentence, so much was said in such few words, and even more between the lines.

Thaal wrote this part

The fabric plucked and pulled as it ran over her scrapes and sutures, and when it finally came to rest, she looked down at it. A hole rested in the dead center of the garment, a long red stain of her blood spilling out and spreading down her front, drowning the other colors of the filthy garment.

And I wanted to take the time to appreciate all the detail put into the thread, word choice, plotline, story details. It all conveyed a good sense of purpose to the dialogue, the actions that came consecutively, and I just found it nice to not feel rushed (as I know I’ve been feeling a bit like that lately) the style savors the moments that are meant to be sweet. It feels the the story takes its time. It very well could be said that it come off as romantic.

So uh.. Basically, your writing is desert? -> Yup. That’s what I’m going with.

To continue

With a heavy sigh, Caret gestured to the mess of metal. “What do you even need armor for? We’re just going out to the garage.”

Scowling, the bandit huffed and pushed herself up, standing for the first time in weeks. “The dunes don’t care if you’re just going to the garage. It’s got something waiting for ya every way you look,” she said with solemn assuredness. She sorted through the pile, eventually finding a loose harness. “You don’t wanna know how many times I’ve smoked some idiot who just thought ‘We’re only going to the garage.’

I liked this part right here, because of the implied context. Caret’s personality takes one turn, whereas BWNN’s personality is subtly told to be more seasoned, more skeptical, and almost more practical. I also like how you didn’t outright say it, but you let the reader read into it as well.

{This kind of thing is something I appreciate a lot when reading, because I think the details aren’t always going to be ‘said’ and that sometimes it pays off to be “listening” [or attentive] for them. Something akin to easter eggs and foreshadowing. I also enjoy allusions when incorporated in plot and relevance. I think I’ve mentioned Atlas at least a few times in my writing, I enjoy his concept, and sometimes blatantly say “Atlas” because I see no better way of mentioning it without his name/struggle. }

A gentle stirring formed in her breast, the heat of her fury stoked at its mere mention. “Revenge,” she uttered, her eyes narrowing briefly, “Yeah.”

I will say, during the middle, I would have liked a small trace more of something that would compel me to “stay tuned” for later. The middle of the story is often the part most forgotten, and strong beginning and ends of stories are often the most memorable part of movies and books. (Kind of like in harry potter I, when he gets on the train, you remember that as signifying his beginning, as well as Hagrid’s incorporation. Then the school year goes on and its suddenly Christmas, Harry has a sweater, and a new invisibility cloak. Then suddenly Harry has saved the day, Ron commands the chessboard, and then Dumbledore has a talk with Harry before the trainride home. In the middle- Harry makes a rival, (malfoy) he learns to ride a broom, he makes friends (Ron, Neville, Hermione) but those aren’t always seen as plot identifiers, but more modifiers. We remember them all, because HP is freakin’ amazing, however at the same time, the thing that sticks in your head is his humble beginnings - under the stairs, and the jagged patch on his forehead that almost always makes me think of the stairs he had to grow up under, and then his ending - in that book- where nothing every actually ends, -woot six more books- but concludes. Quaintly.)

Continuing, I noticed very few typos, which is sometimes taken for granted. You do a good job with grammar, and if there are a few accidents, they never really take away from the story. Proofreading is awesome, and always always always awlays pays off. (Intentional for emphasis, gosh it was hard spelling it weird like that).

I really enjoyed the rich depth that came with your display of action when Sledge made his debut. It was nicely conveyed, and there isn't much else to be said about it.

Very strong ending. Notable impact left the reader stunned, with awe. Yet it lead into another of bandit's adventures and reinforced her own character themes. Great read, excellent plot, awesome writing chemistry.

[Minato Namikaze]

Book Club closes in 9 hours. To claim your Book Club bonus, please include a link to your review (along with the text ‘Book Club’) in the active Fortnightly Gains topic.

[Yu Kanda]

The Hunt for Home

Well, were do we begin. I didn't know the character Emerald that well at first, so i started doing some research on her. After reading a bit more about Emerald ( who she was and what universe she came from ) i started to read The Hunt for Home.

As many fresh primes Emerald had questions and had to adjust to the new world around her. Something that your first post started off with very well. Nothing was over the top, you portrayed her as a calm yet left a trace of fear of the unknown in there.

Omniverse? Where did that come from? She thought, raising her hand to her head again as it ached. It must have something to do with that figure i remember... Fuck, i don't even remember what he looked like

This was one of the perfect examples of her mixed feeling of the Omniverse you described very well, this set the tone for the rest of the post ( at least for me).

During your second post Emerald started to discover the Tangled green. You described it as a large forest and i did enjoy the easy read-through. But, if i am allowed to give you a tip to give this post a bit of extra *pop* to it, its don't be afraid to add some more details in there. For example :

outside of the numerous trees of extraordinary size that lined the clearing's edge, and those that stood behind them. Many stood so close together, and grew so large and full, that it began hard to see deep into the forest past them, often no more than three to four trees deep.

You described a dense forest with large trees, but what kind of trees, were they healthy ? any marks on them ? Animals leaving trails near them. These little things would finish the scene and draw a reader in there. Please don't get me wrong i loved the post, just wanted to give you a tip to improve it even more.
Then we come to my favorite post of it all, the third post, the flashback post.

This was amazingly done, it added allot of depth to your character. It allowed the reader to get more involved with the person that is Emerald. Never hold these back, flashbacks are great if they are relative to the story, which it was. I really loved the depth you put in this post, all i can do is provide you with one of my favorite parts of that post :

The father grabbed his son, pulling him quickly over to stand in front of him. Grabbing the rifles off his back, the father ready the gun to be fired, and quickly handed it to his son. The son looked at his father, seemingly unwilling to kill the animals, but the father had other idea

All in all it was a nice easy read, you had a nice balance of both intense and laid back moments. Best tip I can give you is put in some extra details Keep it up !

[Minato Namikaze]

Book Club is now closed. The new one will be up within a few hours. if anyone has any threads they think should be included, or if they'd like their own threads to be reviewed, just PM me.