NEO HYPER Book Club #5 (30th July - When I Say)

[Daniel]

Welcome to the Omniverse Book Club! Here, we put up a new completed topic every fortnight to read and review. By participating you'll earn a bonus 250 OM (subject to change) and you'll be able to suggest a topic of your own for the next fortnight. Aside from the helpful feedback, subjects of the book club will receive a Great or Exemplary bonus for their storyline if they qualify. :omni:

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Quest or Personal Storyline?
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And finally ....

THIS FORTNIGHT'S STORY

This week we have a thread that has been going on for a while. I welcome Trixie Zulenka to the stage! Consequences

Trixie - (Word and Character counts coming soon)
Android 17 - (word and character counts coming soon)

[Daniel]

As This is quite a long thread, I gave it an extra week, and the reward for doing it will be 300 OM instead of 250

[PepsiYuuka]

Alrighty. I suppose I'll kick this thread off, then. Done as a stream of consciousness like usual under the cut. Divided by post, unless there was a post in which I had nothing to say (like a Storyteller post). Less payoff per post than Isabelle's thread last time but it's a long ass thread and also 4 AM. Meta at the end.

Oh, and since both of these two are big name longtime members of the site, I'm not really... Sugarcoating anything? Just saying it as it is.

[spoiler]

Trixie could barely contain her rage as she proceeded past heavily armed prison units. They had stripped her of rank and dishonorably discharged her from service. What the fuck had Nova been doing?

Minor nitpick- this should be a new paragraph, as the story has changed perspective.

Couple more minor grammar nitpicks with the first post. Confusion between plurals and possessives, ("fucks sake," "Ensign's") a few missing commas, I think since Nova is a woman she should be referred to as "blonde" rather than "blond."

Would've sorta liked to hear what King Bradley thought about that kiss, but it isn't important.

--

I... Wouldn't really use bewildered to describe her there, but that's just my opinion.

Wait, the blade vanished when she touched it, then a few paragraphs later she has it again to extract it?

--

I dunno if it's because she's been around a long time, but the way Trixie speaks is strangely... Meta. Like, calling her place a "base" and referring to the power specifically by the name "Foresight" and not by its effects. I'm not totally up to date on her character, but it did strike me as a bit strange.

The big chunk of fight content after Trixie uses the Combat Exoskeleton could and probably should be split into separate paragraphs.

Trixie sure does laugh a lot.

--

Maybe I'm a spoiled easy reading brat, but the first paragraph here is written in a way that makes it very hard for me to parse. It feels like I'm missing something every time I read through it.

Trixie sure does make out with her GF a lot.

It's difficult for me to tell what in this post is flashback and what is going on currently. I'd recommend breaking it up better, maybe?

--

While the monarch himself—aptly and lazily dubbed ‘The Emperor’—seemed mostly out of the public eye, the state itself was everywhere.

This feels repetitive even though it isn't. I'd recommend picking one out of "himself" or "itself" and nixing the other.

Overall I like this post, though.

--

Have I mentioned I really like the way you write Seventeen's dialogue? I do.

--

Some weird word choice here, but it's not bad or incorrect, just not what I would personally use. To each their own.

--

Seventeen is still a real smartass.

Wish I knew what that key object was, but I'll just assume I'll figure it out later.

--

Good choice to bring in the action around here, because right around this post is when I'm starting to wonder why this is happening in the same thread as Trixie's posts.

--

You do like describing him as a machine-hybrid, and I get that. I'm not sure it's the term for me, though.

Damn it, I would have liked to see that pun go through.

At first I was assuming Orb referred to his Ki Barrier/Annoying Green Android Shield. Man I can sure read can't I.

With a guttural shriek, the man fell backwards, his gun discharging up into the air as he reflexively squeezed on the trigger of his gun with his last vestiges of life.

Another sentence that's a bit repetitive. I'd take out the second "of his gun" after trigger.

--

Beginning to wonder again why this is on the same thread as Trixie's stuff, beyond it being the same quest.

--

There's that key thing. Alrighty.

Overall the fight was pretty good.

That pun was not.

--

Oh, there she is.

Trixie unclasped her helmet with a sharp hiss escaping from the re-breather unit. Pulling the helmet from her head she let her hair fall into her vision, her eyes darting to Nova to see the blond staring down at her blood soaked hands through her helmet.

That's a lot of helmet- three times in two sentences. You may want to specify the owner of one of the two helmets in the second sentence, like "her own helmet" or such to make it more clear.

She began to feel relieved until both repuslor engines on their transport exploded simultaneously throwing Terra from the ship as it came crashing down into some alleyway in Tier 3.

Not usually specific with my comma advice, but this sentence definitely needs one between "simultaneously" and "throwing". The first bit about her being relieved could also stand to be separated off with a semicolon or somesuch in my opinion, but it's fine.

--

“I jammed the little think into her and she went blam!”

This is thus far the only typo or (major) grammar misstep I've seen from your posts. Pretty nice.

“Do you salt the earth afterwards?” Seventeen laughed.

The trooper tilted his helmet. “Do you suspect fel magicks? Should I call the arcanists?”

Fucking incredible.

That may be the best thing I ever heard get said.

--

Couple grammar missteps in the first section, nothing major.

Oh hey, finally Seventeen is here. Or, uh, mentioned.

--

God Seventeen really acts his number. As his age.

--

Well that Jaxx bit is sudden.

The dialogue in this post could REALLY use something to help distinguish the characters. I can hardly tell who's saying what, beyond my assumption anything unusually sassy must be Seventeen.

--

Was there some version of him who rode horses and shot magic missiles from his hands as he sought to bring outlaw justice to some fanciful hinterland.

As usual to find flaw in Seventeen's post I just gotta point out minor typos, like that this should be a question mark.

Relatable, Seventeen.

--

Nova crossed her arms at the sight of Trixie hobbling towards the drug dispensary on the other end of the hall. Her stitches had torn and she was trailing droplets of blood along the linoleum floor. 
 
Nova herself still had bandages covering her body including the one over her left eye, but she was well enough to pursue the redhead.

Unlike prior advice, this should probably be merged into one paragraph. The second sentence should also clarify it's talking about Trixie being stitched up.

Trixie’s hair began to lengthen, her body becoming perkier, the curves various curves that she was gifted with becoming more refined.

I'm not sure if the repetition of curves here is a typo or intentional. Typo?

--

Ooh. Mystique. She is in some way related to the one Seventeen knows.

Permanent scorch marks and scoring on the toughened durasteel littered the surface of the faded surface.

Again, this is repetitive- I'm only hard on this because I was very bad about repeating the same words over and over myself not too long ago. Pick another word for one of these or remove the first "the surface of."

--

Another linger pause filled with static.

Lingering?

The dialogue for this secondary(?) seems a bit flat compared to your usual. It's passable, though, just felt it was a bit out of place.

--

Whatever. He's dead anyway.

That Jaxx fight ended... Quickly. I guess it makes sense and it wouldn't be very fun to totally drag everything out for Seventeen, but I might have liked to see more.

--

A swift chop to the next staggered his first assailant,

I presume that was supposed to be neck.

--

The Darksaber ignited.

It’s shrill unique sound clashing around the room.

I'm pretty sure these could be one sentence as opposed to two, let alone two paragraphs.

And that's a pretty gruesome way to end. But leave it to the one who escaped the Underverse to do it.[/spoiler]

Overall, the whole thing was pretty good in quality, definitely above the site average, though not completely perfect. Obviously, as nothing is. Though I may have seemed critical, trust me, it's because I was looking to be. I'm sure the both of you know that overall the story was very good, and a bunch of these comments were more nitpicks than anything seriously detracting from the story.

I will say though, this thread felt like it kind of went... all over the place. Maybe it's just me, but it felt as though it should have been subdivided between the first part (prior to the two being put together in one squad) and the second part. I get it, word limits, gotta fill 'em, but it's... starkly different. The two aren't even interacting for nearly a full page of thread. I thought maybe they would have when Trixie crashed in T3, but they didn't. Missed opportunity, in my books.

Trixie's writing is certainly a bit less polished than Seventeen's in general. Not that this is a bad thing, and it's still very, very good as a whole. Sentence flow and such have a bit of improvement to be managed yet, and pacing and clarity could be improved to a slightly higher degree. But it's certainly still very good. Some parts of this thread also seemed a bit rushed, and I'm not entirely sure why. Overall, I'd nominate her for a Great bonus for this thread. My word counter says she has 9,970 words, 56,778 characters so I think she qualifies.

And I guess it's no secret that I really like Android Seventeen's sense of humor. It's written to be a lot more understandable from the view of an outsider than Trixie's more deep, convoluted plot, which may also be something of a factor. His portion of the plot carrying also seemed much more... linear and logical than Trixie's, even if it was a bit absurdist as according to the whims of the Omniverse. There are a few minor missteps, mostly just things that could be explained by rushing posts, but overall they really don't detract anything from the whole. I'd nominate him for Exemplary, as overall I felt he brought a lot of fun to this otherwise very downer table. The word counter tells me he contributed a grand total of 10,355 words, 58,851 characters to the thread, so he also qualifies as far as I'm aware.

[Daniel]

Don't forget about this please!

[Android 17]

*comes back from a 6 week break*

*Sees ZERO love*

-_-

</3

[PepsiYuuka]

Am I nothing to you? </3 (i kid)

Anyway just posting again to add I have a completed thread to suggest now. And the character counts are done already. Yay.

[Daniel]

I did already give you your OM for this, by the way, Yuuka. it was like a week or two ago.

[Gilgamesh]

Trixie:

“You’re lucky I can fucking fight because they’re offering me a job and I said I’d only do it with you by my side. We are Ensign’s again thanks to your stampede through Imperial protocol!”

I feel like this dialogue could be broken up by describing how Trixie feels during this. Maybe split the sentences with some facial movements because reading it through felt a little weird.

Your writing is really good and descript but I feel like you could make the dialogue more clear on who is saying it and I feel like you could add a lot more emotion by adding a little something to the dialogue. This might just be personal preference though.

I liked your second post a lot better. The only comment I have is the awkward phrasing of “calming her respiratory system” to describe her as coughing. This might be stylistic to describe Trixie since I haven’t read much of your material but it was something I noticed.

“Well that’s going to need a lot of work…” The mistress said as her helmet visor liquefied, exposing her face.

“That and the Imperial ARC 170 in the back.”

“You have an ARC 170?” Nova asked as she grabbed a nearby fire extinguisher off the wall and emptied it into the nearest engine vent.

The middle sentence I couldn’t tell who was speaking for a moment. I got it was Trixie but it would be easier to read if it was told to the reader

BTW I love the romance with Trixie and Nova, it’s a nice written chemistry that I enjoy reading.  

Android 17:

I am just reading the first posts of Android 17 and I like his carefree style. It’s a good portrayal.

Okay the more I read the more I like the witty comments. I’m not sure if I have any great comments for you to improve on. Your character is very likeable and the interactions with authorities is both enjoyable to read and believable. I haven't read the source material but from the internal thoughts and Dialogue i feel as if i have a good grasp on the character.

Ah yes, those ‘crimes’ I committed by walking through a gate.

A+. Appreciate the humor

“I’m he—” the cyborg paused midsentence to turn his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He turned back to his new acquaintances and flashed a blood-marred grin. “I’m here to drain the lake.”

GROAAAAAAN

Fight Scene with El Lago is A+ very good.

Overall:

I like how you formatted the story. By introducing how 17 got into the Empire while establishing that Trixie was an Empire soldier really made it feel like there was a connected story going on.

Guest Appearances from Diablo are always exciting

This is an enjoyable read. I would recommend both for Great Writing Bonus and I’m sure it meets all the qualifications.  The balance between gravity and humor was well balanced and the read was really fun

[Sasuke Uchiha]

I performed this C&C as I read, so that may explain some of my delayed reaction in comments.  
 
Trixie: I liked the idea to brand your character with their prison number from the Underverse, making her physically carry her experience with her. Making mention of it in the first post was a nice touch.

So, about the kiss, it was well done and all, however I felt like King Bradly was the kind of man to find annoyance in this kind of public display of affection. There is a time and place for everything and I felt he would have shown a little disdain for it. You mentioned that he had been stern during it, but I wish you had shown us more of his response to the kiss. Food for thought, sometimes a reaction to an action is just as good if not better than the original action. An uncomfortable, annoyed Bradly would have been fun to read.

---

Ah, the old “ancient force ghost contained within an abandoned sword” trap. Nice. Good stuff. I love when players are able to find conflict within the most mundane of events, like searching a storage unit. Kuddos.

---

Story Teller killed it in the Luna/Jaxx standoff. Yo, fuck Bardan Jaxx. Luna didn’t deserve to go out that way. xD

---

Trixie’s Space Chase: I’m sorry, but when Trixie said this line, ““I need more power!” Trixie shouted back to Nova.” All I could think was, “I’m giving it all she’s got Captain!” Lol xD!!!!

0o0o0o0o, wait, you did use that line. Lmao. Iconic.

“Combat Exoskeleton Tallgeese!” --- (O_O) Gundam meets Star Wars? Joe, I f*cking love you. Haha

Ending the post with the teasing of a shower scene--- I feel like I would like to see more push and pull between Trixie and Nova. Maybe it’s just me, but I get into relationships where there’s a chase. So that’s my advice, work more on sexual tension, less on sexual. Well, just balance the two out really. The pursuit of getting the romantic interests affection a lot of times is a more interesting read than the actual affection.   
 
-------

Aisha Knudal- Anytime someone works under the Judge I get super hype about them. ‘nuff said.

Oh shit, she’s Luna’s sister? F*ck Jaxx, get ‘em girl! =O

““Everything will be revealed in time.” His voice trailed off into the void, a sinister tone dripping from his words.” ---- I already don’t like this guy. Lol, but you’ve done a good job of keeping intrigue and mystery with him. I’m not sure what he’ll bring, I’m just sure I won’t like it. Good stuff.

---------
 
Android 17-

OH SH*T I been waiting for Alex to pop up. Hype is real.  

“Who creates giant stone statues of themselves on the sides of their mountain forts?” I like how 17 mocked the outlandishness of this. Felt real. Felt like what anyone real person not born of fantasy would say.

“The shimmering façade was likely to be just that—a layer of veneer to hide a centralized bureaucracy built on strength and suppression of subversives.” This felt like a Protoman line. I don’t really have critique other than when I read this line I immediately thought it sounded like the ilk f Protoman. May want to watch out for this as your two characters are similar, just my two cents.

Bruh, the Empire be some dicks arresting our boy for basically nothing. Lame. They lucky 17 didn’t smoke they ass. Real talk.

------

These cops don’t care about you 17. They see Primes coming through here all day long. Nice touch.
““What about my brooding good looks and a smolder that could melt the heart of a nun?”” --- Yes, let this man go. (Good line)

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You know, I never considered pondering which powers and abilities my character desired IC. It’s an interesting take.

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El Lago. Sounds nefarious. Let’s murder kill him.

Lmao! That does mean lake, huh? Nice.

Personally, I think it would have been more realistic if 17 did just bail on this mission. Like fuck these wankers, but I get it, you needed the plot to go that way.

-----

I love 17’s overall sarcastic tone. Sarcasm is often played out or not executed well enough. You don’t have these problems.
Didn’t see that explosion coming. Nicely done. Only thing missing was a *BOOM* =P!

-----

These stories could have intertwined more. Not to harp on Joe about activity, but it would have been nice to bounce back and forth between the stories more frequently. Otherwise it seems like they are two different stories that don’t go together, even if they eventually merge. Again, I understand it’s probably an activity issue and can’t be helped, but that doesn’t make it any less jarring to the reader. After the explosion but before the next post when the details comes would have been nice place to hear from Trixie, as to leave us on the edge about 17’s explosion crisis. Creating suspense is a huge win for your writing and I feel like there was a missed opportunity here.

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17- “Feeling the breeze on his fingertips, Seventeen closed his eyes and mumbled one of his favorite phrases.” I love how you depicted cursing without the vulgarity of it. Well played.

“I’m he—” the cyborg paused midsentence to turn his head and spit out a mouthful of blood. He turned back to his new acquaintances and flashed a blood-marred grin. “I’m here to drain the lake.”—Yaaaaaassssss. See, this is why you generate such hype. Fuck you. This was gold.

So, when I took to the task of doing this C&C, I told myself I wanted to find something to legitimately critique you for Alex, and, however small it is, I think I found something that needs fixing. You use the phrase ‘beat’ too much. A beat later, without skipping a beat, in a beat, two beats and, etc. I’m only catching it now because I’ve probably read more of your work than anyone else’s work and you reuse the shit out of this. My advice is to find some variety for this tool. You also frequent ‘peppered’ quite a bit, so much that I can tell when you’re the Story Teller, because of it xD Though it’s not as often as the beat reoccurrence. Again, it’s little, but its productive criticism!

When did El Lago become Lady Gaga? PLOT TWIST! Lol

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Decapitated her, nice. However!... You should be hung for crimes against humor for this line, ““Looks like the lake got…” Seventeen paused to sneer. “Evaporated.” Lol =P Nice post.

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Yaaay, Trixie posts are back.

As such he filed the paperwork and Beatrix Zulenka was given the title of Second Lieutenant, Special Forces Division, Imperial Army, Regiment 13. ----- OH SNAP, promotion! It’s all about that dental baby.

It’s a little jarring that we’re back in Trixie’s story and Aisha is fatally injured from some action the reader wasn’t privy to. /end rant
Other than that it was a good post and I am legit concerned for Aisha. She still needs to avenge Luna. Don’t die girl.

----

17- New post and there is that infamous ‘a beat later’. Tsk, tsk. =P!
“Yea, I guess.” Seventeen responded. “I jammed the little think into her and she went blam!” To emphasize his point, the raven-haired warrior made sure to pantomime a gratuitous explosion with his bony, bloody fingers.----- The imagery here made me chuckle. Kuddos.
 
“Do you salt the earth afterwards?” Seventeen laughed. The trooper tilted his helmet. “Do you suspect fel magicks? Should I call the arcanists?” “Fucking incredible.” ---- more chuckles. You good man, you real good.

---

Lol, it’s funny to me that 17 has to complete his community service serving Trixie. Crack dat whip. Make him do stupid shit…  xD

“Lady sergeant?” Seventeen inquired. “Man, for a fascist dictatorship, this place sure does bludgeon you with the strong female lead trope, doesn’t it?” --- Hey, women can’t be fascists? That’s sexiest Bruh. Leave the feminazi alone.

Alex just won the thread with this line, “The cyborg leaned in toward the lieutenant. “You could use some racing stripes to really make your outfit pop.” I’m finding I enjoy your 17 more than your Proto =O

----

“Jaxx in custody. Imperial Intelligence claiming authority?”--- OH SNAP! Joe, somebody better gank that mother f*cker. Straight up.
 
…..

F*ck Dredd and his jurisdiction. GANK THAT MOTHER F*CKER!!! xD

I liked this post. What Trixie has to go through heavily correlates to what real soldiers have to go through. (Shitty equipment failure, lack of rest between duty to the point of sleep deprivation, etc.) Nicely done Joe.

----

And just like that, BAM, Diablo. Not gonna lie, this story teller post has made me weary of ever siding with Diablo to get out. 20k words and this prick is still a problem for players. What a dick. Lol

----

Post 21 is my favorite post because nostalgia. When Karl Jak came on and 17 wasn’t having it. Good stuff Alex.

---

“Checkmate, asshole.” Bardan Jaxx had paid for his crimes. ----- Yaaaaassss. F*ckin finally. F*ck. Hated that guy.

----

Gotta say, this wouldn’t have been as nice without a light saber battle at the end. Overall this thread was awesome. I def didn’t expect Diablo to pop up, nor for you to send him a new plaything. Great read. I’d say both deserved a great bonus with Alex slightly ahead due to his humor and slightly better flow of story telling, but I gotta say Joe, you’ve come worlds from where you were when I first read your work many years ago. This shit was tight, you’ve grown into a bad ass role player/writer, kudos. 

Alex, you suck. Git Gud Skrub. =P! <3!

[King Ghidorah]

*puts on his reviewing trousers* 

So. Consequences. 

Overall, I  like this thread. I haven't read a lot of Trixie's pre-Underverse adventures, so I was kind of thrown into it face-first, like unto a child being taught to swim by a jerk. Still, I was able to pick up who was related to who and how fairly quickly through the way the various NPCs interacted with Trixie. In spite of a few hiccups, both writers managed to keep me entertained and engaged.

More specifically...

Trixie: You're characters (your main in particular, which I suppose isn't surprising) have their own motivations and relationships, and you handle them very well, which is not an easy thing.  You've managed to balance the fact that Trixie cares about her people (and that they care about her) with the fact that she's also kind of a vengeful psycho, and I love it. Throw in her allegiance to Diablo (the appearance of whom may or may not have made me squeal like a little girl) things get very interesting indeed. The most enjoyable thing about your writing is seeing how Trixie balances these sides of herself. 

Kudos on writing a convincing military bureaucracy as well. It's something I've attempted previously, but I don't think I've ever done it as well as you.

 All that said, the tone of your action scenes sometimes fall a little flat - you describe what's happening well, but the descriptions can lack impact, flowing together into a wall of text. Also, your sentence structure is occasionally clunky.

 Old techniques and skills that had long been rusty were becoming newly acquired.

This for instance, is kind of a tangle of tenses. 

I'd recommend a little bit of proof-reading, and maybe putting some thought into not just what actions are performed, but how they're performed. Several times during the final confrontation with Aurora, Trixie delivers a 'firm' kick, and even that small descriptor makes the surrounding action pop. 

Overall -I'd say Great bonus for Trixie. There are things to improve, but there's a lot to love. 


*turns to Seventeen* 

AND AS FOR YOU
...
0-0d

Android 17: 
In all seriousness, Seventeen was a lot of fun to read. His bemused tolerance and vague air of 'I can't quite believe these deadpan fascists are for real' is extremely endearing, and his general state of self-deprecating amusement at the way his life has turned out makes a very convincing coping mechanism. His puns and quips and general refusal to overtly take much of anything too seriously contrast wonderfully with both his internal monologue and the backdrop of Imperial judicial servitude - and his willingness to casually take lives brings across just how damaged he actually is. 

You did a very good job bringing across the unreasonable strictness of the Empire, and you managed to infuse some personality into characters that only appeared for a few paragraphs. I like you way you write NPCs, I like the callbacks to this iteration of Android 17's common origin with Trixie and Karl Jak (and 17's confusion over it), and I like the way you write combat - but that brings us to my one major criticism.

All of your characters, PC or NPC, are vividly written, and the events they participate in have noises and sensations and all that good stuff (although the destruction of the transport and the ensuing action seemed almost clinical in its lack of impact in spite of its jarring suddenness right up until the 'whoosh ' , so that's still something you need to watch) - but your locations are sparse. You tend to provide the skeleton of a description or mention a general aesthetic, and bring up details as the action proceeds, but even accounting for the reader's imagination it doesn't always  gel into a complete image. Obviously not everything needs to be a starkly realized verbal painting - a cafeteria is a cafeteria, for the most part - but you could bring a little bit more character to your scenery in general. 

Overall: I recommend an Exemplary Bonus for Android 17. Don't let those Imperial bastards get you down, you glorious Imperial bastard.


And finally, Submitting for future consideration:

Nice Work, If You Can Get It
Character Count: 42762
Word Count: 7503
Quest or Personal: Quest
Participating Characters: King Ghidorah