From Dust Feedback

[Ruby Rose]

Hey all! I've started my Secondary arc using Grave, From Dust. Seeing as this is my first long-term solo thread, I was wondering if some of my fellow Omniversians could give me a little bit of feedback on it. Much appreciated if you leave a little something!

[Thaal Sinestro]

Yo, I'm committed to doing a C&C for your post! I'll get to it tonight.

[Thaal Sinestro]

Yo, because it's only one post, I'll go through things pretty sequentially.

[spoiler]One explosion of ash and dust, two, three.[/spoiler]
I like this opening. It gives us an instant hook into the action. I might have personally changed it to "... ash and dust. Two. Three." It jsut has more rhythm for me, but that's a totally personal choice.

[spoiler]Bombs of black soot were exploding in the dark forest beside Darkshire. Vampires - far out of Dracula's control by this point in time - continuously approached the tiny wooden shack hidden away.[/spoiler]
The line about the vampires is kinda confusing to me. Specifically, the "hidden away" part at the very end. Are the vampires hidden away? Is the shack hidden away? I might also avoid the -, and instead choose commas. It helps the flow of the reader when we use standard grammatical conventions, and here a pair of commas would capture that sentence clause pretty well.

[spoiler]The silver-haired man guarding it alternated between the two rifles in his stocky and worn mitts; dark flames, searing light, dark flames, searing light. His right weapon turned the Vampires into moving bonfires while his left tore through them like a laser beam. This was the kind of work he did every single morning.[/spoiler]
I like how you described this! For some reason, I had to read it through a few extra times to get what you were saying though. I think the culprit comes from that "and" you have in the "two rifles in his stocky and worn mitts". The way it's phrased, it sounds like he's alternating between two rifles and his mitts. You could have done a, "two rifles in his stocky, worn mitts," which would have clarified that he was alternating between the two rifles, which were both in his mitts.

[spoiler]A glowing red blade speared through the undead's black cloak, and the bloodsucker shattered into ash as the silver-haired man retired arms. He dropped his rear onto the matted sticks below, huffing heavily. He raised his gaze to the rising sun - vaguely seen through Darkshire's trademark swirling clouds above.[/spoiler]
A bit on context as to when the old man swapped from the rifles to the blade would have been good here I think. I don't mind having hard cuts to a character doing a thing, but you just finished talking about how he was alternating between two rifles, and then you bring in a third, previously unmentioned element. Having a paragraph between the rifles and the stabbing, any kind of paragraph, be it descriptive or action-based would have given us the separation between the rifles and the blade to make it less confusing.

[spoiler]I need to get stronger; to take out who created me, and then move onto the bloody ringleader himself, he complained as he sheathed his gunblades behind him. He extended his arms out at his rear and rose to a standing position. He slid his hands into his pockets as he pivoted and made his way back to his hut.[/spoiler]
Is he thinking the complaint to himself, is he saying it out loud? If he's saying it, quotation marks are a must. If he's thinking it, using italics or even still using quotations and then clarifying that it was a thought. Either way, we need to know the difference between conversation and normal text, or it makes it a rough ride for the reader.

[spoiler]"I can't believe it. I'm one of the most social people you'd find in this bland world, yet I don't have a single bloody friend. What a waste of Omnillium in my opinion," he rambled on, even as he tore open the stubborn door to his shack and forced its rebellious latch back into place after slamming it shut. He continued to drone on for about two minutes, until he was interrupted by a very, very loud squeak.[/spoiler]
I liek that you left us off with a cliffhanger! I'm excited to see where it goes!

[Ruby Rose]

Thanks a lot for the feedback! I will make most, if not all, of the changes you suggested (I also thought that I said there were blades on the rifles, but it seems not xD)

However;

[spoiler]I need to get stronger; to take out who created me, and then move onto the bloody ringleader himself, he complained as he sheathed his gunblades behind him. He extended his arms out at his rear and rose to a standing position. He slid his hands into his pockets as he pivoted and made his way back to his hut.[/spoiler]
Is he thinking the complaint to himself, is he saying it out loud? If he's saying it, quotation marks are a must. If he's thinking it, using italics or even still using quotations and then clarifying that it was a thought. Either way, we need to know the difference between conversation and normal text, or it makes it a rough ride for the reader.

I actually did put the thought in italics. I'm not sure if it showed up for you or not ;-;

[Thaal Sinestro]

Oh they totally showed up! I must have been re-reading a copied version. My bad, friend!

[Ruby Rose]

Edited! Should flow more smoothly now

[Ruby Rose]

Post #2 is up!

[Minato Namikaze]

Post One – I liked it, it was a nice intro, it set the scene really well, and was over all a really nice piece of writing, but you asked for a feedback post, not a praise post, so here it goes.

Language & Sentence Presentation – Your language in this post was nice, it wasn’t overly simple and it wasn’t overly complicated. You did a great job at presenting language that is easy to understand, follow and, over all, read. At the same time, there were a few instances where the words in your sentences weren’t needed. Don’t forget to carefully read over how you write (I know that I slip up on this, so I’m being critical here ). An example of this would be “he rambled on, even as he tore open the stubborn door to his shack and forced its rebellious latch back into place after slamming it shut. He continued to drone on for about two minutes, until he was interrupted by a very, very loud squeak.”

You can change this in a few spots, to make it flow better. I’ll try my best to explain how my train of thought would affect this.

‘His ramblings continued on as he tore open his shack’s stubborn door.’
To me, this flows better, it is easier to read, and will, in my opinion, connect better. The original sentence seemed kind of clunky, and I would opt out for something like this, it connects the two parts of the sentence, relating the door to the shack and explaining his excessive rambling in a more cohesive manner.

‘He then slammed the door shut, forcing it’s rebellious latch back into place.’
Pretty much for the same reasons as the above sentences.

‘His drone continued on for about two minutes before it was interrupted by a loud squeak.’
I removed the very, very, part because the scene already seemed quiet and they seemed sort of unnecessary. Other than that, same as the above examples.

Sorry if this has discouraged you in any way, I don’t mean for that to happen. But your language was good just try to think about making your sentences a little more fluid, rather than clunky (I know I had/ have this problem)

Post Two – I will read it in the morning and Edit a feedback in afterwards.

[Ruby Rose]

Post #3 has been made!