Ruby and Kaneki Test Posts

[Lubbock]

Hey all! As most of you should know, I have been writing a test post for both Ruby and Kaneki (see this thread for info). Here I will post those test posts and I want the honest opinion from you guys on which one was written better, which one I seem to connect with better and other things like that. My first post will be Ruby, and I will post Kaneki's not long after :mrgreen:. Without further ado, enjoy!

[Lubbock]

BEFORE RUBY'S ARRIVAL

Strange... I've stopped... I can feel my feet on the ground, but there is no ground in this pitch black place. It's kinda giving me the creeps... I look down at myself and rather than my school clothes, I'm in my combat clothing, skirt, cape, the works. But one thing's different - I don't have Crescent Rose at my waist. What is happening here?

Wait... there's a glowing, white figure approaching me from the darkness. It... seems to be a man, but at the same time not human at all. Words fill my head, they sound like some kind of novel or story being read to me.

“My name is Omni. This is not the world you know. This is the Omniverse. You interest me, so I have made you part of it. The Omniverse is a place that reflects the wishes of those who are part of it. But! There are rules. I will explain them only once, so listen carefully.”

Omni? Omniverse? I think I’m going crazy… Alright, I’m listening, I think to myself, but my thoughts sound like words that are flying directly out of my mouth.

Omni hands you a glimmering orb in which all the colors of the rainbow coalesce. “This is Omnilium. It’s what ties the Omniverse together. Without it, you are nothing. With it, anything you desire can be yours. But you will need more than this. If you desire it enough, you will find it. You will find that using it comes naturally. Just think of what you desire most.

Omn… Omnillium? Anything I desire? It sounds dreamlike but at the same time… fake… I tell myself, knowing somewhere deep inside that it isn’t fake, that this is going to soon become my reality. I keep my ears peeled for what he has to say next.

“You will not be alone in the Omniverse. There are others. Of course, they, too desire Omnilium. Do not fear death. For as long as you interest me, you will be reborn.

This is sounding stranger and stranger… others who desire a material that can be used to make anything? Sounds like something from a movie. Rebirth? That sounds even more like something from a movie… I keep distracting myself from my new fate by making selfless references to modern culture – or at least modern where I’m from.

“That’s all you need to know right now. You’ll figure out the rest soon enough. I’ll be watching … and waiting.”

The man finally finishes, and his white silhouette – maybe silhouette is the wrong word, but how else would you describe the white shape of a man in pitch blackness? – dissolves back into the empty space he emerged from. I wait in painful anticipation, nervously anticipating Omni’s next move. In an instant, I feel my body distort, and I scream out loud, not in pain as there is none, but in terror and worry that I’ll never see my friends and sister again…

ARRIVAL

CHAPTER 1, PAGE 1

Dear Diary,

Today has got to be the weirdest day of my life – like, ever! I mean, first I was doing something – everything before I came here is rather blurry – then I was confronted by a strange, white man-silhouette-thing that told me he was basically the God of this place and that there’s this strange, rainbow – yes, rainbow! – material conveniently named ‘Omnillium’ that I can use to create anything.

Right after that, I felt my body contort and almost tear before my feet landed firmly back in what seemed to be my room – except it was bare except one bed and a door. Of course, at the time sleep seemed soooooo much more appealing than a random door but my childishness – Weiss, if you are reading this, I give you permission to beat me up about this later – took over my legs and waltzed them over to the ‘interesting’ door, and now here I am, in some, strange, white place, a perfectly normal-looking door to my back. It took me a while to recollect my memories of what happened before, but then I remembered the entire ‘Omni’ encounter.

Using the knowledge I received from Omni about this ‘currency’ that seems to abound in myself and everything around me, I imagined Crescent Rose – for those of you who don’t know, that’s my high-caliber sniper-scythe that I fashioned myself – and the glassy colours began to work. Of course, Omni had to make things difficult for me, didn’t he? Not only did it take around three minutes and change, but it just didn’t feel the same – like someone else had created it, making it somewhat weaker, as if Omni was the one pulling the strings on my beloved weapon.

Realising waaaaay too much was going on in my head, I had to create myself this diary – yeah, you guessed it, black and red! – to jot down my thoughts and stuff so I don’t explode. So far, it’s really helped, and I think it may be crucial to my survival, and furthermore my exit, in this place. In this strange, white area, there are about eight gates surrounding the door in the centre. They each look highly different. One seems to be crafted of wood and vines, another looked like something that you would find inside a volcano. For now, I just want to get my bearings.

Omni stated that there were other beings here. Could it be possible that Weiss, Blake and Yang are all here?

Or am I all alone?

[Lubbock]

My eyes fluttered open to the black nothingness. In that case at that time, I would have thought I was dead - but my instincts told me otherwise. Death was supposed to feel cold, and not only that I don't remember dying in the first place, don't remember looking into my killer's eyes as he mercilessly took my life. None of that happened. But there I was in darkness, doing nothing, feeling nothing.

My black bangs fell downwards over my left eye...

Wait, black? That wasn't right... after that psychopathic Ghoul Yamori was done with me, my hair grew white as I accepted Rize as a part of me. I raised a hand to my face, and my nails were clean and only slightly cracked on some - nothing like the black, chipped nails I should have had. It wasn't really scary. If anything I preferred my old self - but that prick Yamori changed that.

As I was thinking all this, my eyes picked up some kind of dim, white light in the darkness, moving towards me. It took the shape of a man - a shadow of light, if I must describe it. It continued to approach my stalwart body, waiting to see more detail.

But no detail came. It stayed as that light in the shape of a man, but no features - mouth, eyes, nose, nothing was there. Before I knew it, he was reaching out to get my attention. He began to speak.

“My name is Omni. This is not the world you know. This is the Omniverse. You interest me, so I have made you part of it. The Omniverse is a place that reflects the wishes of those who are part of it. But! There are rules. I will explain them only once, so listen carefully.”

I thought to myself, but it almost sounded out loud.

Alright then, what are these 'rules'? I asked in my head, but the voice in my head was not my raspy, quiet voice, but the voice of a boy still in his college years. My old voice up until Yamori's torture.

Omni hands you a glimmering orb in which all the colors of the rainbow coalesce. “This is Omnilium. It’s what ties the Omniverse together. Without it, you are nothing. With it, anything you desire can be yours. But you will need more than this. If you desire it enough, you will find it. You will find that using it comes naturally. Just think of what you desire most.

I curiously received the colourful material. It highly intrigued me. It reminded me of something from a book I once read - can't remember the name though.

So, it's like a form of currency? I asked myself further, cupping my hands around the glassy colours. Being thoughts, though, no answer came through.

“You will not be alone in the Omniverse. There are others. Of course, they, too desire Omnilium. Do not fear death. For as long as you interest me, you will be reborn.

Facing death's a normal thing for me. I don't fear death anyway. The idea of eternal - or more like recycled - life is quite interesting, though, I handed the orb back to Omni as I told myself my belief. But it wasn't the life that had me the most interested. It was the fact there wasn't just me. I wasn't going to put my money where my mouth was at that point, but it was a possibility that the rest of Anteiku or Aogiri - my two old Ghoul groups - ended up here too.

That thought triggered another - where is here? All Omni stated was that it was called the Omniverse and that's it. It seemed he didn't care for any other questions or queries I had, so there was no point in asking, either.

“That’s all you need to know right now. You’ll figure out the rest soon enough. I’ll be watching … and waiting.”

Questions swarmed in my head, but by the time I opened my mouth to ask them, Omni disappeared into the shadows. I swore on Yamori's corpse that I'd find him and get answers - and kick his ass to get them if I had to.

Without warning, I felt my body free falling through nothingness. It really didn't feel much different to falling from a building - Ghouls jump often, so you know. I closed my eyes. I smirked and gave a quiet chuckle as I thought to myself, It's funny. It's the same whether I close my eyes or not. But when I do close them, it's as if I have a greater sense of mystery.

I guess I could take a look around while I'm here. I don't have much reason to go back, anyway. The Anteiku and Aogiri Ghouls are perfectly durable and reliable people. They don't need a One-eyed Ghoul like me messing their plans up.

-----

My eyes flicked open once again, this time to pure whiteness. It was blinding - at least in contrast to the darkness I was exposed to. I looked down at my body. I had my normal black shirt and white shorts on - the clothing I wore just before joining Aogiri. I then raised my hand to my eyes - as I thought, my nails were black and chipped. I lifted my head and torso from the fabric I was laying upon and looked down - it was a bed, surrounded my a small moat and nothing else. Everything around was pure white, except for the half-a-dozen or so gates surrounding my bed, a rather far distance away.

I swung my disheveled legs off of the bed and stepped into the moat, the cool water engulfing my blackened toenails and pale flesh. I stared down at my reflection. White hair again. I was in my old body for but a moment, and now I'm back to this frail corpse-like flesh and bones. I relaxed, before focusing on my left eye. The white of my eye turned black - rather contrary to my strange hair - and the pupil became blood red, the arteries inside following suit and spreading out a short distance over my eyelids. Still the same. However, I felt something was missing from my anatomy...

I could definitely tell my Kakuhou - a Ghoul's predatory organ - was missing. I couldn't feel the bloodlust as I should, and when I tried, I couldn't release my Kagune. I couldn't release the weapon that was a trademark to each and every Ghoul, their claws and teeth, if you may. My memories drifted back to Omni, when he informed me of Omnillium and forming anything I desired. Easy enough.

I envisioned a Kakuhou - almost like scarlet, pulsing liver -, gruesome as that may have been, and mentally placed that image within my lower back, and felt the blood begin to rush into it as it formed itself, weaving flesh and blood together. The blood turned itself into Rc cells, the cells that make up a Kagune. Only when it finished did I realise I was holding my breath. I dropped into the shallow water and felt the rush of air into my lungs, my skinny chest heaving in and out. Now I was hungry - I was lusting for blood, but I didn't want to have to resort to eating the first damn person I met. Every Ghoul knew the best way to try and keep hunger for flesh at bay - a nice, hot cup of coffee.

-----

Okay, I must say Omnillium-made coffee tastes like dirt, but I could survive for the time being. My hunger began to retreat, like a beast skittering away from a bright light. I picked myself up after dropping the china cup, the material smashing and dissipating back into that rainbow essence that was going to be so crucial to my access to Omni. I took a look around myself at the many gates. They looked like creations you would find in a fantasy novel, carefully and seamlessly crafted from different materials, signifying different areas.

It couldn't hurt to take a look around the place for a bit before finding that ass Omni.

Or could it?

[Samus Aran]

Now that you've written as both you should have a better idea of where you might go next with each character, what it's going to be like. I enjoyed the style of Ruby more but as I said in the chat box, you should really go with your gut.

[Guu]

Leaning towards Ruby, but really, don't know why you need our input. You'll be the one writing, so which one did you like to write for the most? Answer that and you've got your pick!

Basically what Omni said.

[Dark Link]

First of all, let me just say you did an outstanding job with both posts. In spite of Ruby and Kaneki being fairly different people, you fully manage to convey their differing personalities and attitudes through your writing. I've always known and have said to the effect that the newcomers here are of a much higher level than I have ever seen before, but these posts in particular truly made for a humbling experience.

That said, in some ways, these posts have made picking a character both easier and harder. The reason is that I feel both are better than the other in different ways. From a purely writing standpoint, I feel your Kaneki post was stronger of the two. The descriptions were more detailed and evocative and I just felt like it had more style. It was definitely the post that showed your potential as a writer the most.

That said, the Ruby one had its own qualities. The diary approach not only seems to fit a character like Ruby quite well, it is also a fairly novel take on the first person perspective. I think it has a lot of potential, since it would enable you to include the character's own reflections on past actions and events. Plus, speaking as someone unfamiliar with either source material, I found your Ruby post to be more friendly towards the uninitiated. I'm not sure if this was by accident or by design and I'm certain the varying complexity of the source materials also played a role, but the Kaneki post was full of terminology and names that confused me. Obviously, nobody can expect you to repeat the character's entire pre-Omniverse history in your posts, but it felt like your Ruby post was the one which you tried to make more approachable to newcomers.

So, with all that in mind, what is my final verdict? Alas, I don't feel like I would be doing either of your posts justice if I just picked one and dismissed the other. So even though this will come off as a non-answer, here is my advice. If you think you can bring the level of quality and detail you showed in your Kaneki post to your Ruby posts, then I think you should go with Ruby, both due to the more novel approach and the fact that the Omniverse could use more (relatively) straight up heroic figures. But if you feel that the Kaneki post was only so good precisely because of the approach and the type of material this specific character gives you access to, then go with Kaneki and don't look back.

Not sure if this was of any use to you, but regardless of which character you choose, thank you for the nice read and I look forward to seeing what direction you will take with them.

On an somewhat related note, if you pick Ruby, here's a small recommendation. I'm not sure if you've ever read "The Diary of a Young Girl/The Diary of Anne Franke", but one interesting habit Anne exhibited was to add supplemental comments to her old entries years after she originally wrote them, showing the perspective of her older (and more wiser) self. I think it would be interesting if you did something similar. As Ruby develops as a character, you could have her reread/revisit some of her old diary entries and have her write down additional comments, reflecting her newer perspective or any new thoughts/revelations she might have had regarding those events since then.

[Lubbock]

Edited Kaneki post to make it more newbie friendly

[Gildarts]

Oh wow Lubbock, the first paragraph of ruby had some real style. I felt a definite sense of character in such a short time. She is exciting and very funny.

1st person for her was cool as well. I like her character's insight and I feel like she brings a very unique tone to the Omniverse. I'm pretty convinced by the end of your description of her that the Omniverse would be missing out if she was played by anyone else but you.

The tone was very nice, well thought out, and got across to me without difficulty.

Interpretation on Kaneki:

(I expect the tone I'm left with to be a heavily emphasized difference than ruby, respectively, as Kaneki is from a different style anime. )

As DL said, the descriptions are more vivid, and I enjoyed the quality of Kaneki.

I really like how you took him from his white haired form and brought him back to his original, that was clever and had an impact for me who has seen the series.

My concern for Kaneki which I think is worth voicing is the plot of his character, do you know what you want from him?

Conclusion (so far): I think you could do more with ruby, and your ruby post really impressed me because of how unique it was.

That said, Kaneki isn't bad either. If you are still stuck, I suggest you determine a few characters already here in the Omniverse that you could see interacting with as both of these characters.