Writing Help?

[Dr. McNinja]

Hey guys! I was going to do a huge change in my writing style here in the Omniverse, and I was hoping to get some feedback. So, given that Doc is a webcomic character, I wanted to start writing my posts in a way that would reflect this. The idea is that my posts, though they might be the length of an actual comic page, would somewhat reflect the usual comic book format of panels and stuff. Here's a sample of the kind of thing I was thinking. It's a page from the actual comic and my reinterpretation according to this new style...

http://drmcninja.com/comics/2011-04-20-21p25.jpg

~~~

The wind whistled under the wings of their makeshift pterodactyl-kite. Chuck watched the bike slip into the old Washington tunnels and screamed, "What are they doing?! We're going to be crushed!" Under other circumstances, he was right. Their kite was bound to smash into a wall or something. But these were not normal circumstances.

Doc groaned, then shouted back, "JUST HOLD ON!" and tugged on the sword and scabbard, effectively folding the wings inward. The dinosaur-kite twirled and spun around itself over and over. From what he remembered about the George Washington tunnels, he was going to have to cut down on the size of the kite. They could barely fit his car last time he visited, and it was just enough room for a dirtbike chase. No way a big-*ss kite like this was getting in.

The rope creaked as it tensed and bent. The entrance to the cave was fast approaching. Doc saw the rubble underneath him get closer and closer as the kite slowly lowered in the air. They were going uncomfortably fast now. The entrance, Doc realized, was considerably smaller than expected. He would have to fold the kite more. He wasn't sure if he could make it. It was only feet away, and the ceiling was about to-

Sean looked back. He could feel Gordito looking back too. Part of him hoped that this would be his actual brother. Judging by the fact that he wasn't there anymore, he was clearly a fake. Only a true McNinja could have....

WHOOSH

Sean turned around and saw his older brother, still on his kite, gliding past the bike. The wings had been folded and curved so that it would remain aerodynamic, but still fit in the cramped tunnel. He and Gordito stared as the physician soared faster than them. On the back, Chuck Goodrich was still tied on, screaming the whole way. Though the moment was brief, the pair on the bike could see the smirk on his face as he yelled, "SKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLS."

~~~

You guys have any comments?

[Thaal Sinestro]

I think that sometimes thematic writing can sometimes get in the way of "good" writing, but that's not REALLY what I think we're all here for. This isn't fucking AP Lit, it's a sit where you get to have fun writing, so do what you think is FUN.

I do think the way you've highlighted and used the sound effects makes it a lot more comic-strip-like, and if that's what you're going for then you're on point.

[Dr. McNinja]

I think that sometimes thematic writing can sometimes get in the way of "good" writing, but that's not REALLY what I think we're all here for. This isn't fucking AP Lit, it's a site where you get to have fun writing, so do what you think is FUN.

I do think the way you've highlighted and used the sound effects makes it a lot more comic-strip-like, and if that's what you're going for then you're on point.

Thanks Sinestro. I appreciate the advice.