Dwarf Faction Quest

[Eileen the Crow]

Okay, so I have done the Faction Quest for the Dwarven faction of the Frozen Fields, right here.

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The whole thread came out to 11,049 words and I'd like a member of staff to grade it and determine whether this qualifies as completing the faction quest when they have time.  For ease of convenience, here's the mission.

Into the Hall
Requirements: Not affiliated with Zul'Gurand
Difficulty: Moderate (at least around ~5000 words of writing, will be judged on writing quality)
Reward: 300 OM, Ceremonial Dwarven Weapon or armament (Flavour Item, may be fashioned as a Move), Permission to enter Mithral Hall inside Dwarveholm
Overview: Character must retrieve a chunk of cobalt. Character must bring back a wampa hide. Character must bring back the tusk of a slain troll. Character must defeat a dwarven champion in a sparring bout.

Location: Frozen Fields (various)
The dwarves that reside in the mountain fortress-town of Dwarveholm are constantly harassed by the trolls. Despite King Bruenor’s efforts at a ceasefire, the racial hatred that Zul’jin and his trolls carry for humans, elves, and everything resembling them is far too deep. As such, the mountains of the Frozen Fields are often a site of perpetual guerilla war, with dwarves and trolls always raiding one another. Support from the Kingdom used to give the dwarves and edge, but with that material and manpower support dried up, the trolls have taken the advantage.

As a result, King Bruenor has an open-door policy with Dwarveholm. He accepts all travelers and all merchants, seeking to profit over the trolls’ deep-set hatreds. This is not to say anyone can become respected or buddies with the king and his inner circle. In fact, troll-aligned spies have caused Bruenor to be cautious with whom he accepts inside Mithral Hall. Those who seek an audience with the king and to become a part of his war against the trolls must gather materials precious to the dwarves—cobalt and wampa fur, which are used in many of their blacksmith and armorsmith projects.

The would-be ally of the dwarves must also defeat a troll in combat and return with their tusk. They must then prove their mettle by sparring with and besting a dwarven champion. Only such an individual will be honored with access to the inner sanctum of Dwarveholm and permission to sit at the mead hall with King Bruenor.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

I'll get to this over the weekend, Chosen~

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Still planning on getting to this. Just have to push it back until like Monday. Didn't realize I was going to have to work and prepare for high school graduation this long weekend.

[Zelda]

Style: 3.5/5
The bits I remember most from your quest entry, are maybe not what you expect, but because they were written in such a way that captured what I felt is the essence of the Chosen's characterization, they stuck without me all the way through the end. Even after setting your writings aside, I can recall the way he clambered and travel throughout the Icy wastes. The way he skinned the Wampa, and the time that passed as he stared long into the fire whilst 'eve past into early 'morn. These few scenes helped me relate to a character I'm not even familiar with and resound as a testament that quest's don't need to be all action all the time.

That is not to say I found nothing that I felt could have been done better. You had a slight tendency to repeat that which is already made clear. In a few instances you almost said exactly the same thing twice in a row. These sort of mistakes (I am sure) would have been caught with another editing session, but did break my immersion, albeit, temporarily.

Lastly, I must say that at times you word choice didn't quite fit. Either the phrasing was awkward, or the word was simply improperly used. Either way, each time I experienced this I had to pause and reread to understand before moving on. Additionally, your sentences tend to be lengthy (more on that later), and I believe you would have benefited from breaking them up a bit more from one another.

Story: 4/5
It is not the check-list of things for the Chosen' to accomplish that made this a proper story. It was everything in between. Too often I find that when roleplayers attempt to write extensively by themselves, they focus constantly on the job at hand. They feel they must get from point A, to point B and then that's it. However, that is not what makes a tale relate-able, or even believable for that matter.

What you did ever so well herein, was remind me that the Chosen lives in a world that breathes apart from him. It's a organic sort of relationship, but one that has to be understood. You did a great job in revealing that the World exists apart from your character and lives when your character is not there. And, while the fighting a Dragon may not have been on the top of Chosen's to do list, by the end it provided a great climax for the quest itself. It wasn't something I expected going in at all, and the fight was written so well that I didn't even bat an eye at its inclusion when I finished the piece.

I mentioned the scenes that I that stuck with me throughout the end. This was another of them as I could feel the desperation in every one of Chosen's actions, and I knew that one wrong move would have resulted in his death. It brought a tension that I enjoy tremendously. In short, well done this is by far your strongest category.

Grammar: 2.5/5
You stumbled a bit too many times here for me to give you an above average score. As I said above you had a tendency to make your sentences quite long (which can work of course), but with them you brought tons of minor errors into your writing. Most notably, comma splices. Comma splices result in run-on-sentences, but are caused by incorrectly using a comma instead of a period, or in most cases a semi-colon. If there is a phrase in your writing that makes a complete sentence, and you don't use a connector (and, but etc.), it must end in a period or a semi-colon. A semi-colon separates two complete thoughts that may be more related than two individual sentences.

Awesomeness: 3/5
Overall, I really enjoyed reading your Quest. It had moments that ranged from epic, to subtle. And, although I personally found the more 'quiet' scenes more revealing and emotional, that isn't to say I didn't like the big moments: the dragon fight, the trolls and of course the final spar bout. Essentially all the right elements that make a good story are there, but the execution just needs to be refined.

Total: 13/20 Above Average.

You've completed the Quest. Congratulations! I'll update your character log shortly to dish out your rewards. And, you have permission to enter Mithral Hall.