C&C Trading

[Mickey Mouse]

So, the person above you posts a link. You briefly critique their post, offering a few constructive words of advice, and then post your own link, and someone else critiques you, posts their link, and so on, and so forth.

For me: viewtopic.php?f=51&t=2397#p21150 It's a tad long, so I'm only asking for criticism on the part after the asterisks (about halfway down). If you'd like to do the whole post, be my guest, but the top half isn't necessary if you don't want to. Thanks!

[Shay Cormac]

Y'know, Mickey, it's really hard to critique somebody when you can barely find anything wrong with their work... Jeez, givin' me a hard time!

Anyways, as I said, this is actually a really great post, and I was legit looking for things I could find that maybe I would have done differently after I had initially read it, and honestly, all I saw was a few punctuation and capitalization errors here and there, mainly a few verbs now and again...

But, I was so distracted by how well written this was, I couldn't notice the mistakes in the slightest, as I really liked how you organized dialogue, (something I still struggle with sometimes,) and generally how well you worked Mickey Mouse, a relatively comical character, into somebody so likable, similarly to how Kingdom Hearts portrayed him, in which you mimicked almost perfectly.

Compared to other characters on here, Mickey himself is quite the contrast to more gritty characters like mine, but I'm really glad we have such great writers on-board to handle them correctly! I obviously made a mistake by not reading up your earlier posts, in which case, I really need to!

Again, it might just be me and my uppity attitude, but I seriously enjoyed that thoroughly, Mick!

My latest post, tear it down folks!

[Deadpool]

Nice read! I like how Shay draws upon his past experiences during his thought processes. Also, your dialogue is pretty good as well. You were able to dive into description about things without ruining the story progression too, which is key *thumbs up*

I do think that possibly you could restructure some of your sentences though, like . . .

It came to a surprise to Shay that Agnès was actually considering to do this with him. More surprising, was the abilities this woman was showing off to Shay, and how useful it seemed in the midst of a battle, although that was probably the last thing Shay wanted to mention at this point.

Much to Shay's surprise, Agnès actually considered to do this with him. And even more surprisingly, she showed off abilities which Shay appointed as useful, in the midst of battle; though now was not the time to to make his thoughts audible.


I just feel like that flows a little better. I tried not to change many of the words, because the words were pretty sound.






Here's the post I want c&c'd: <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=51&t=2396#p22964">viewtopic.php?f=51&t=2396#p22964</a><!-- l -->