03-15-2015, 11:28 PM
As promised, I have some C&C. Gil, I didn't do 'The King Has Arrived" because I told you already for the most part and I know you have more like a fight with Guu, but this is as far as your roster is updated. I will do the others at another time. So, here we go.
The King and His Men:
I liked this story as it had a very 'Wild Wild West' feel to it for the most part. I say for the most part because I felt like the sand mage went against this and was out of place.
However, I can see why you wanted to have the battle cause... it was a sweet f*cking battle, lol. Gil's powers matched well against the mage and delivered a 'Showy' battled I enjoyed reading. However, I couldn't help but think it was random and perhaps a battle for a different arc. None the less, good a good read.
Your interaction with meaningless npc's is outstanding. I found myself chuckling when Gil gave the hostile stare to the female innkeeper. xD
The brute who you cut his beard off and carved initials into wasn't real for me... he started all that shit with Gil like he was some tough guy and never made an assault. I just didn't believe it.
Gil has a very strong personality that has me smirking and chuckling as I read which is good and keeps me engaged. This story has me hooked all around as I see it as a 'Fable' of sorts where Gil is completing mission to advance his status as a ruler.
Monster Meets King:
First thing, I want to point out is that showing is always better than telling and we have an example of that in the way Eudocia writes that was not lost on me. Specifically she writes how Eudocia hates the heat due to the sticky feeling of her sweat rather than just stating, "Hey, its hot in the dunes." Which I love.
On a side note to this, I believe the dunes is a desert and would experience a dry heat, not one with humidity meaning she wouldn't really sweat. Now, I probably only caught this because I live in Phoenix Arizona, which is a desert environment. So, for someone like me it immediately broke me from the story, but for most it would go unnoticed so no worries, it probably wasn't caught by anyone else xD!
Now… Am I the only one getting a Joker and Harley Q vibe on this? I feel like this is some classic psycho shit lol.....Update: It's worse than Psycho, she eats them too apparently. xD,<3
Playing with dead people through the use of telekinesis is pretty twisted. Gil had some pretty crazy muscle in Eudocia, it's too bad he lost this follower =P
Lice? Lol, wut? This was funny.
Okay, cool, now see this is something we can roll with. Up until now Gil had just been a cocky, self-entitled tyrant, but with him feeding that family of six he may just come into rule yet =O
I like that you are maintaining to call her “his lion”. At first I didn’t get it, but as I continued to read it made more sense. It matches his personality as it both places him in dominance over her and it also does to ‘pretty’ her up because as we all know he likes to be surrounded by treasure and the best life has to offer. That or I am just reading too much into it xD
I feel like this is a real adventure and they are facing real problems. Like how they avoided the encounter up ahead on the path because it’s a desert and their exhausted. It wouldn’t have been bad if you fought right then and there, however, it’s really good that you didn’t. It’s nicely done. ^_^
I really like this combination. They feed off each other well.
Dude, you fight the coolest things, from the Sand Mage in your previous thread to a Scarab monster made of tiny Scarabs. I especially like the part where the beam went through a newly created hole and thus was dodged, nice!
“The cold steel reflecting his iron will as he walked over to the disgusting creature that tainted his future city. The monster had no change in it's face, its constantly moving parts forever faceless.” ^^^^^^ that’s just well written, kudos. ^_^
I dunno if this is a plot hole or anything but if he is summoning a palace now, why didn’t he just do that before dealing with the horrible accommodations at the Inn? Just some food for thought.
Oh Snap! I <3 OmniTwitter!
It’s awesome, because I was wondering how you were going to end this rest phase and ‘wa-la’ OmniTwitter. It’s cool because when I first seen this commotion I hadn’t really read your work that much and thought it was silly you were going after a 10 year old. Now that I have read it, it’s only logical Gil would go after her, lol! (That’s Gil!)
The King and His Men:
I liked this story as it had a very 'Wild Wild West' feel to it for the most part. I say for the most part because I felt like the sand mage went against this and was out of place.
However, I can see why you wanted to have the battle cause... it was a sweet f*cking battle, lol. Gil's powers matched well against the mage and delivered a 'Showy' battled I enjoyed reading. However, I couldn't help but think it was random and perhaps a battle for a different arc. None the less, good a good read.
Your interaction with meaningless npc's is outstanding. I found myself chuckling when Gil gave the hostile stare to the female innkeeper. xD
The brute who you cut his beard off and carved initials into wasn't real for me... he started all that shit with Gil like he was some tough guy and never made an assault. I just didn't believe it.
Gil has a very strong personality that has me smirking and chuckling as I read which is good and keeps me engaged. This story has me hooked all around as I see it as a 'Fable' of sorts where Gil is completing mission to advance his status as a ruler.
Monster Meets King:
First thing, I want to point out is that showing is always better than telling and we have an example of that in the way Eudocia writes that was not lost on me. Specifically she writes how Eudocia hates the heat due to the sticky feeling of her sweat rather than just stating, "Hey, its hot in the dunes." Which I love.
On a side note to this, I believe the dunes is a desert and would experience a dry heat, not one with humidity meaning she wouldn't really sweat. Now, I probably only caught this because I live in Phoenix Arizona, which is a desert environment. So, for someone like me it immediately broke me from the story, but for most it would go unnoticed so no worries, it probably wasn't caught by anyone else xD!
Now… Am I the only one getting a Joker and Harley Q vibe on this? I feel like this is some classic psycho shit lol.....Update: It's worse than Psycho, she eats them too apparently. xD,<3
Playing with dead people through the use of telekinesis is pretty twisted. Gil had some pretty crazy muscle in Eudocia, it's too bad he lost this follower =P
Lice? Lol, wut? This was funny.
Okay, cool, now see this is something we can roll with. Up until now Gil had just been a cocky, self-entitled tyrant, but with him feeding that family of six he may just come into rule yet =O
I like that you are maintaining to call her “his lion”. At first I didn’t get it, but as I continued to read it made more sense. It matches his personality as it both places him in dominance over her and it also does to ‘pretty’ her up because as we all know he likes to be surrounded by treasure and the best life has to offer. That or I am just reading too much into it xD
I feel like this is a real adventure and they are facing real problems. Like how they avoided the encounter up ahead on the path because it’s a desert and their exhausted. It wouldn’t have been bad if you fought right then and there, however, it’s really good that you didn’t. It’s nicely done. ^_^
I really like this combination. They feed off each other well.
Dude, you fight the coolest things, from the Sand Mage in your previous thread to a Scarab monster made of tiny Scarabs. I especially like the part where the beam went through a newly created hole and thus was dodged, nice!
“The cold steel reflecting his iron will as he walked over to the disgusting creature that tainted his future city. The monster had no change in it's face, its constantly moving parts forever faceless.” ^^^^^^ that’s just well written, kudos. ^_^
I dunno if this is a plot hole or anything but if he is summoning a palace now, why didn’t he just do that before dealing with the horrible accommodations at the Inn? Just some food for thought.
Oh Snap! I <3 OmniTwitter!
It’s awesome, because I was wondering how you were going to end this rest phase and ‘wa-la’ OmniTwitter. It’s cool because when I first seen this commotion I hadn’t really read your work that much and thought it was silly you were going after a 10 year old. Now that I have read it, it’s only logical Gil would go after her, lol! (That’s Gil!)
Dante's Abyss 2015
GRAND CHAMPION
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