Let's Read: Book Club #10, 11

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• The Pokemon Philosophy
  Fresh from her journey out of the Nexus, the adorable Lopunny aka Lola reaches a not so pleasant place. The Ashen Steppes, a seated verse of ash, brimstone, fire and lava. Once there though, she meets another like herself - a pokemon - medichan who teaches her a little about life and about fighting.
  
• Leviathan
  Hidden beneath some lost Military Base, they lurk. Doomy fresh from his time at a local bar is recruited by a local crew of scavengers seeking riches. Together they sail off in an ‘ole rustbucket pulled up from the depths. and then he alone grabs all the treasures he can carry from an abandoned Empire holding. However, those that have always dwelled there might have something to say about his petty thievery. This is probably one of my favorite threads. Simply because it is actually a story that has a beginning middle and a resolution to a conflict. Everyone should read this~
  
  
• From the Aqualine to the Abyss
  Omni seems to be summoning Primes quite a bit lately. Here’s an intro of one that is perhaps a bit different from the usual stock of magical girls, egos, dreamy-eyed mutes and assassins: he - from what I understand - comes from a place where his role is to ‘fix’ technology, but goes about it like it is a religion with rituals and all that. So the dude worships tech? I think. Anyways a nice easy read for those whom maybe after last book club are a bit shell-shocked with topic length xD.
  
  

Bonus: These options are still available as well:

• The Emperor’s Jubilee II
  The first and only ‘event’ held within the confines of the dataverse. A terrorist group by the name of the Copper Eye is attacking the servers of Coruscant and the Empire. Primes are sent in to disband and deal with the growing chaos before it is too late to save the Emperor’s celebration.

Tenth-Book Club Bonus: In honor of the 10th book club all options from the last one are still open and will count as well for the next two weeks! So, if you missed your chance you have another.

That’s all happy reading~

[Caira Ayryn]

Book club X

Cinnabar Island
YAHOOOOOOO!

I have never seen One Piece before, I always found a reason to put it off (usually the same one) because it has a myriad of episodes. Though some of the best things can't be measured in something as horribly definitive as numbers. Anyway, as I read Buggy and Luffy's adventure (and later some more crewmen and Lopunny), I found myself feeling more and more entertained in an upbeat tempo of action and exclamation.

I enjoyed the consistency of character that carried through the adventurous dynamic. I'd have to say that I really like Buggy, because he's not someone who can be figured out at a first glance. He keeps things interesting and the character design (or face attached to the character) is just plain cool.

Needless to say, I found the story enchanting as I was swept off to a sea of adventure and cast away on waters of excitement.

The dictation and noises really amuse me and the spacing for that was perfect as well.

I definitely found myself laughing and smiling at parts that were funny, especially when Luffy sweeps up crew members left and right.

I enjoy how things fall into place rather well and the overall action and back round that surround each integrated character.

I'm amused that Luffy finds his way toward fighting against POKEMON in the colosseum and just the way it happened as well. Later some more characters find themselves in the midst of Cinnabar Island! (Yay!) and more action commences as well as drama!

Overall, I really enjoyed the theme and all together the story. It was held together by strong action and an equally strong character (in more ways than physical characteristics) and I feel as though you portray Luffy superbly well.

As it concludes (okay but not really), I can't wait to see how the ensuing battle(s?) begin!

From Aquiline to the Abyss

I enjoyed the sentence structure, conduction and how it was composed because there is so much in a sentence and it wasn’t forced. Vocabulary was divine and fit the structure well. With simplicity there is depth, I can easily say you didn’t over-do it and kept it at a balanced level that was enjoyable for me (the reader). I appreciated the insight given by the the overall backed layer of knowledge.

The calibrations were fitting, how they unfolded and how they were distinct almost made it seem metallic. I look forward to seeing more of this Prime.

Pokemon Philosophy 



Lopunny’s adventures are always innovative and integrate plenty of character progression, keeping the level of intrigue high. On one hand, to keep the reader fixed with concentration, she maintains a dynamic wave of growth (and later, faces and reestablishes growth, which I appreciate as well because it corresponds with progression). On another, the action augments not just to the storyline or current plot but it reasonably details to the character of Lopunny itself.

As Lopunny becomes her own pokemon, there’s almost a tangible context of self appreciation. But the tests and trials don’t stop there.

As the story progresses, I start to understand Lopunny’s character a little better and at one point I realized how CUTE she is. You heard me right. I personally felt as though she was very pure of heart and am certain just in this little time of training she has grown as a character. (Also he hugged that goron and it was really just adorably sentimental.)

The action cascaded with purpose and Lopunny pursues her rival and perhaps, finds her calling.. I like how that was prioritized because it keeps the pace going and gives Lopunny and the reader something to fight for along side her.

[Proto Man]

The Pokemon Philosophy

(This was the first of your threads I read as Lolbunny and maybe the second thing I've read of you as a writer. Just putting that out there for the sake of clarity)

Despite the fact that you chose an inferior Pokémon (I'm racist toward any Pokemon after 250), I find Pokémon to be lovely characters. I like that most of what Lolbunny does is without much internal dialogue. She comes off much like I’d expect a somewhat sentient animal to do, with many of her emotions expressed through movement and demeanor rather than words. I feel like there were even times you didn’t actually need the italicized thoughts, because it just seemed redundant. Example would be early on, when they give her broccoli. The way which you have her inspect and subsequently devour it speaks more than having her outright thing ‘Oh, I must have been hungry.’

I was a bit bummed out when she spoke a common language of the Koopas, though =p , but the fact that you had Koopas in there overshadowed anything else, because Koopas are awesome. Had my own Ashen Steppes thread not been so intense and frantic, I would have included them to lighten the mood. Alas… till next time?

SEE! I knew her name was Lolbunny. I really, really enjoyed the scene in the stadium, with Bowser in the role of apathetic Roman Emperor. The use of Hammer Bros and Bullet Bills really pleased the part of me that still says Super Mario RPG is the greatest game ever made. I was sad when she left the next day, but I was nevertheless pleased to see the Koopas get some nice representation, especially with the Steppes being less prone to ‘tourism.’

And then you go, after a detour with dragons and a disturbing scene with birds, into Legend of Zelda land! Throwing her into another challenge-type situation felt a bit like a rehash, but then again, it fit with the very ‘action/adventure’ theme of Lolbunny’s story thus far. The conversation at the end of Part VI was harsh and made me snicker—‘You’re a Pokémon, all right.’

On a personal note, I really enjoyed the dialogue in Part VII, because it’s literally the antithesis of the Squirtle/Wartortle storyline I wrote years ago.

The training scenes were a neat way to have Lolbunny start down the path to masterin’ herself. I felt like I was reading the movie equivalent of a would-be martial artist finding a zen master in the mountains and trying to learn their secrets. I enjoyed the little amusing scenes thrown in there, as well as getting more information about Lolbunny’s former master. I also enjoyed the connections to Cinnibar and the PLF that came at the tail-end of the topic.

All in all, it was a nice read. I’m a fan of less conventional characters (as I would consider any Pokémon to be), so I liked Lolbunny. I was sad when she became more anthropomorphic (talking more), but most of me chalked that up to being with another Pokémon (and as far as I know, that was always your intention).

As for ‘areas of improvement,’ I have a few points. My first would be to make sure you have a good word processor to help catch flubs in spelling and grammar. My other one would be to pay attention to your tenses. I got the impression the thread was supposed to be entirely in present tense, but there was enough past tense thrown in there to confuse me.

My last thing, and most cosmetic thing, would probably be to try including blank lines between paragraphs. I know that’s not the convention you would use if you were writing a novel, but I’ve learned with play-by-posts that it helps make things so much easier to read and it doesn’t make everything seem so clumped together.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This Book Club is now closed.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

Just Some Regulations:

• Please follow all site OOC rules to the letter.
  
• Format can be whatever you’d like providing that you follow these rules.
  
• This shouldn’t need to be said, but please be respectful and offer positive comments. Negativity in any form is highly discouraged. While pointing out all the errors may seem useful – to you – it certainly doesn’t make that person feel good. There are ways to help someone improve without nitpicking. As a rule of thumb try to have 5 Positives for every 1 Negative (courtesy of resident teacher protoman).
  
• The above doesn’t mean you can’t criticize, but there’s a way to do it without being negative. For example, make suggestions – don’t say something about the topic is ‘wrong’ or poorly written. Maybe point out a confusing section and suggest revising it for instance, or even offer what you think may have worked better in that situation. Additionally, you could offer to proofread a member’s next post for them – be helpful instead. Positive reinforcement will keep people writing and reading here.
  
• While you’re free to develop your own way of critiquing and commenting – I wouldn’t recommend making a ‘scoring’ scale. This isn’t competitive and you’re not grading topics. Instead, only offer advice and comments in whatever format you wish. Maybe offer directions the Plot can go from there (whether that is into a new topic or not).
  
• As there is a flat rate of 100 OM for participating, I feel I need to include this: please do not skim, thoroughly read before posting. If you skim – especially the wordy topics – you’re likely to miss a lot. In addition, please put actual effort into your written responses. I don’t want to have to put up a word count requirement for these; so please don’t make me question whether or not you have actually tried to help a fellow member, or if you’re just trying to get easy OM.
  
• OM is a nice incentive but if this starts to be abused – I doubt it will continue to be a reward. Do not abuse this for easy OM. I highlighted that above already, but it deserves a separate bullet. Seriously don’t. Please.
  
• As a final point – yes you can offer suggestions as to what topics you would like to be included here next. I have no problem with that if you happen to be dying to read a given topic but need some excuse to do so.
  
• These regulations should be copied and pasted into every new Book Club topic (in case I don’t do it for some reason).

This Club’s Options:

• Nak Nak Nak
  
  
• Guu’d vs. Evil
  
  
• Ice to see you
  
  
• The Cure
  
  

That’s all happy reading~

Sorry about no blurbs, but this is already late and I have tons on my plate this week.

[Caira Ayryn]

Book club 11!!

Hope no one minds of I post this a bit early, I have some deadlines to meet at the end of next week and will only be able to focus on my pursuit rp with TBG. Buuuut I
Made some blurbs:

Nak Nak Nak- Adam, Crona, Sivo, Mako and Jon adventure into Coruscant where Ragnarok and a friendly lizard with the name of Nakworth appear. The new Primes take in the setting they become aquatinted with one another as well as experience their new world.. The Omniverse.

Guu'd Verses Evil- In this epic showdown two Primes square off in a thrilling encounter as they test their fates. An evil tyrant and a good Guu clash in one of the most riveting battles the Omniverse has ever seen.

Ice to see you-Link returns! And this time his adventures take him to the frozen fields where he meets ice trolls, a dwarf and a mystery that demands to be unraveled.

The Cure- Protoman and Whirda team up to travel the Pale Moors to defeat a Blight causing Archdemon (C'mon you know that sounds awesome) as they fight their own demons as well.

____

Nak Nak Nak

New Primes! Welcome to the spotlight, Coruscant is a technologically crazy part of the Omniverse. As the three interact and later Sivo enters and Mako as well, into the many peculiarities of an unknown universe. It grows more and more interesting as each individual character taking it their own way, or having trouble dealing with it, adventures into the unknown.

There was no lack of imagination as the many characters join together into a mutual camaraderie of Primes, particularly Jon and Crona.

The encounter with Sivo and Mako I felt like picked up the pace a bit and helped the characters get their bearings. And the two are actually exciting back to back because they are rather polar beings. Mako was really amusing when she thought she would pilot the 'robot.'

I liked everyone's reactions to the world for the uniqueness involved and the differences between the worlds they originated from were quite evident. Also everyone had a great use of description when they conveyed their characters.

Admittedly I don't know a lot about the characters (good thing for character templates) except Crona from Soul Eater, and some insight definitely helped me understand them better.

As each character continues to establish themselves in the Omniverse, I'll be excited to see which verses they will branch out to and where their adventures will take them!

Something I've found that helps characters progress fluently is that they find a goal and aim for it. A quest or storyline might be helpful to your characters or like you are currently doing, a battle!


The Cure

Excellent OP Proto, I really enjoyed it and your great writing skills that continued. It gave a good basis for the start of their adventure and a nice introduction to Whirda for the following post.

Whirda I really like your descriptive use of imagery, it was really fulfilling and the attention and care you put into your writing really shows.

Each of your writing styles are complementary to one another and I adored reading the character interaction. I found myself growing eager with anticipation to see where their story would take them.

You both display sensory very well in your writing which helps build a foundation for the reader's ideation and this causes the action to be more emphasized and also very realistic.

There's a great use of vocabulary, never a dull moment even in the fundamentals of sentence structure and the accuracy is very precise and makes for an inclusive story.

Nice integration of the Tarrasque too, with no shortage of monsters in the Pale Moors it's only logical that people would know of possibly the most catastrophic creatures of them all.

Whoa. The phone call really gave some perspective on Protoman and how much he has to deal with. It was really cool how inclusive that singular phonecall was. And how the lack of information could potentially hurt him. I'll be eager to see who is spun as the thief.

Oo, is this two groups going up against the Tarrasque ? Kind of exciting! Who will get there first? Will they unite?

Review: I really enjoyed the thread and I like your vivid uses of imagery and sensory perspectives. You are both wonderful writers so keep up the good work! And I hope they find the Cure.


Guu'd V. Evil

Wow! I was so excited to see this in book club and I can't wait to relive the action again.

First off, I want to say just how good a time I had reading it the first time. The last book clubs have had some really great story nominations and I want to let everyone know just how good a job they have done and how impressed I am at how much everyone is growing.

Guu, you started out this topic really well, I felt as though it all fell into place because the foundation on which it started was done really well. I liked reading about the jail and just the small details helped the story grow into a greater picture as well as gave some insight on how Guu was feeling.

Throughout the fight I loved how innovative it was, and how true you two remained to your characters (in contrast to a character might that may loose themselves in the flight and act uncharacteristically). Both characters bantered well and I thought Guu's nickname as bubblegum was hilarious and adorable at the same time.

As far as dialogue, I thought that was done very well, and I feel like the small details and the spacing and bold Gilgamesh used was done well and helped to separate movement/ attack/defense and all things fight oriented helped with clarity. I wasn't confused or didn't have to re-read to know what was going on.

The fight played out rather well and I thought that it felt pretty natural, nothing was far fetched and everything seemed fair.

You captured something that I call a "Static/Dynamic balance" rather well (not as in static character). No, there's no conductible metals around (except Gil's golden suit) but this static is the relationship between the two who are battling, how it is displayed and conducted. Sure there are a couple of other variables but my main point is that both characters had me cheering them on (despite possible motives). There was no one overwhelming post, the pacing was effective and this balanced the battle as well.

As for improvement suggestions, I'd suggest just a bit more diversity in wording for Gilgamesh's later posts. Stylistically I really enjoy your writing and I think you described what was going on with great clarity.

Though settings can be plain, I would have thought some integration of it during the fight would have made the challenge against one another seem more enhanced. If you look at Ganondorf's battle with android Eighteen, you'll see that even in the empty and desolate desert sand was thrown into the eyes of the opponent. I like things like that because it makes the battle seem more realistic and dynamic. To your favor you did incorporate and mention the terrain as far as the citizens who watched the battle.

Both of you, I encourage to go above and beyond your limits as you grow into the best writers you can be.


Ice to See You
The battle thread above wasn't the only one I was excited to see in this week's book club. Having read some of Link's earlier works (particularly Camelot) and being intrigued by how the character was portrayed, I was glad to see you had returned and pleasantly surprised to see that you went to the frozen fields!

I'm not sure what it is about how you display the character that makes him such an intrigue to me, but every time I read the storylines I don't want to put it down. Good news is, I don't have to!

The integration of the future Link was really cool, I found that Link having a future companion of himself actually carries the story rather well and adds elemental tones/layers of mystique to Link's character. I like that he always has a mission and is iconic as a hero figure when he risks his life to save the dwarf, that's what makes him a great character.

Haha I got caught in a small bout of laughter when the dwarf finally woke up and then asked 'who's we?'
"Oh, uh.. My.. Swords?" Priceless, just the way I imagined it was hilarious and added a smudge of humor to the post.

Throughout the dwarf and link's discussion I didn't feel any force or friction, the dialogue flowed between the prime and NPC well. You always use a nice and diverse vocabulary and I feel like it helps the rp and keep it fresh (like when Link waited days on end) and I thought it was worth mentioning too.
An excellent tale and it still continues!

Will Link find what he's searching for? Or will he find more than what he bargained for?

For the next book club I'd like to nominate Retane's "Hello Stranga' Malefactor Quest" in Coruscant. <!-- l --><a class="postlink-local" href="http://omniverse-rpg.com/viewtopic.php?f=16&t=1722">viewtopic.php?f=16&t=1722</a><!-- l -->

[Sasuke Uchiha]

Guu’d Vs Evil:

I was extremely happy to see this thread in the book club as I was reading this up to date for the most part and for good reason; this fight is a first of its kind. Never before had a fight taken place that originated from the Dataverse! If you didn’t catch the TMZ style drama that takes place here I suggest you read it as it starts the whole thing off.

Now let me just say that originally, when I first seen this fight taking place, I felt it odd that Glilgamesh would get all worked up over a child’s trolling on the internet, however, as you can see through the writing, that’s just Gilgamesh’s character; he’s entitled and no one is safe from his wraith!
So, in the opening we have Guu foreshadowing her upcoming transformation which is nice. I hate when things seem to just appear out of nowhere like it wasn't planned, so, kudos there.

He turned to the wooden post that was right next to the portal to the dunes and bent down to inspect it closer.

Blah blah verse <----
Whocaresverse----->
Tangled Green ---->

Ah yes! That was the one he was looking for.

If you aren't reading Gilgamesh, you should be. He is quickly becoming one of my favorite characters as he is always good for a chuckle to lighten the tone.

Gligamesh finds Guu relatively easily, but that was to expected; her twitter exposed which zone she was in and Omni’s only so big, so, the two primes trash talking on the interwebs would be the talk of the verse.

I love that he was carrying around for a minute before he noticed Guu. Also loved the weather line, ice breaker Guu. xD

Gilgamesh making her entertain him to mock her is a prime example of his entitled character. Good stuff.

The imagery of Gil peering over to see what Guu was up to only to get 'willy wopped' by Guu was done nicely. I also like the rubber, bubble gum, and shuffle style dodging you did.

“No one makes me bleed my own blood” xD

Gil’s taking some heavy fire and throwing a hissy fit about it =P

The cliché “where’d she go” worked nicely with your scythe move. *Thumbs up*

OH SNAP… Chains of Babylon cliff hanger! =O

Guu, you’re writing is great, although, sometimes it’s hard on my eyes. For example:

The chains bound Guu’s arms, she felt their grip tightening against her flesh, wincing in pain a bit as they dragged against her skin. Gilgamesh held the blades inches away from her neck. She could almost feel the tips poking through, but that was just a frog in her throat. Gil sported an evil grin towards his helpless captor.
“Now, let’s take care of that weapon of your’s.” He said, following with a chuckle.
He moved one of the blades and hovered it over her right arm, the exact place where he saw the gun come out. But just as he reeled back his sword, Guu retracted her arms and legs, thinning them until the chains couldn’t hold them anymore. She pulled them into the main part of her body until she was a ball, then she sloshed her weight around until she slipped out the chains that were holding her chest.
She plopped onto the ground where her body quickly regained its shape. She could feel him raising his sword to swipe down at her. Thinking quick, she popped over her arm and aimed her gun up at him, but her weapon happened to be in the path of the sword’s swing. It cut deep into the weapon, slicing through the barrels, into part of the mechanism itself, cutting a little bit into her arm in the process. The blade dissipated into gold dust while still embedded in the gun.

This is really just nit picking as there nothing much else to say, but it’s just a little easier on the eyes broken up with spaces like this:

The chains bound Guu’s arms, she felt their grip tightening against her flesh, wincing in pain a bit as they dragged against her skin. Gilgamesh held the blades inches away from her neck. She could almost feel the tips poking through, but that was just a frog in her throat. Gil sported an evil grin towards his helpless captor.

“Now, let’s take care of that weapon of your’s.” He said, following with a chuckle.
He moved one of the blades and hovered it over her right arm, the exact place where he saw the gun come out. But just as he reeled back his sword, Guu retracted her arms and legs, thinning them until the chains couldn’t hold them anymore. She pulled them into the main part of her body until she was a ball, then she sloshed her weight around until she slipped out the chains that were holding her chest.

She plopped onto the ground where her body quickly regained its shape. She could feel him raising his sword to swipe down at her. Thinking quick, she popped over her arm and aimed her gun up at him, but her weapon happened to be in the path of the sword’s swing. It cut deep into the weapon, slicing through the barrels, into part of the mechanism itself, cutting a little bit into her arm in the process. The blade dissipated into gold dust while still embedded in the gun.

Also, I would have liked to have seen you struggle with the chains just a little more, seems like you overcame them just a little too easily. However, the way you describe Gil taunting you to come out is right out of a serial killer movie, well done! ^_^

OH SNAP. Transformation! Who’s hunting whom?! Lol

Guu felt herself blushing. She wasn’t sure if it was because of the half naked man in front of her or if she actually found him attractive. She honestly didn’t want to know the answer to that for fear of her psyche.

Cute ^_^

Gilgamesh actually was thinking if he could possibly lose….Of course not! He was Gilgamesh after all, The King of Heroes

Gilgamesh sighed as he charged towards his opponent, every muscle and limb in his body screaming to stop.

I don’t think sighing is the reaction you were going for here, but I may be wrong. Pointing it out regardless. ^_^

Yea, F*ck you and the horse you rode in on. Here’s a hundo, now scat. xD

Ha… That’s what you get slow poke. *Woot for speedy players* =P

--And so it ends as it had begun, with the dataverse. Very good read guys. I give it an 8 out of 10 at least!

[Proto Man]

Guu’d vs Evil

Ahahaha, I just want to say that it amuses me that a fight broke out over the Omniverse equivalent of internet trolling. That said I appreciated the appropriate build-up that preceded the fight. As for the actual fight itself, I was left pretty entertained the entire time. You guys both did an excellent job of meshing your styles in a way where I probably could have copy-pasted this into MS word without the separators and felt as if I was reading a coherent narrative.

That said, I’d recommend making sure to give everything a second glance-through to try and catch tricky grammatical stuff (I say this because I am well-aware that I am far more sensitive to this stuff). I’m not a fan of tense and narrative switches, so that also kind of pulled me back a little as a reader.

I do want to echo what Sarah said about fatigue and writing in weariness and whatnot. There were glimpses of this, but I didn’t really sense any sort of ultimate desperation, especially considering how heated the build-up to this was, particularly from Gilgamesh’s side. I think this is because, while the characters have animosity, neither of their writers appears really out to prove anything (probably as you’re both chums).

All in all, though, I liked the fight, and while I have areas where I could be more critical, I think you both did a nice job meshing together, which I think is an outgrowth of the earlier point I made. While I think it appropriate that no one died, I thought the ending was a bit weird with Guu sending Gil away on a summoned horse. Maybe Guu is overly nice – all I have is her trolling on the Dataverse (and Baby Steps) to go off of – but I think I would have liked a little more satisfaction… or maybe I’m just bloodthirsty and wanted that to end with a child curb-stomping a gold-plated egomaniac <_<

You guys are both fun to read and are both showing a great deal of growth. I look forward to watching your endeavors in your respective verses.

[Dark Link]

Guu'd vs. Evil - This fight was a fun read. Both characters in this case were the kind that were a lot more powerful in their original universes, so I was happy that both authors not only noted this, but used the fight to highlight how they were struggling to cope with the limitations the Omniverse had imposed on them. Both roleplayers also seemed to have a good grasp on their opponent's character and made the combat enough of a back-and-forth affair that it was an entertaining experience. And while the other reviewers might be correct in saying that the posts didn't represent battle fatigue well enough, I personally was impressed that this element was as prominent as it was; a lot of fights I've read in the past had a tendency to barely even touch upon this particular aspect.

But while the content was great, the actual writing of both participants could use a little more work. In Gilgamesh's case, I feel that he needs to expand or at least diversify his vocabulary. I understand that it's tempting to repeat certain words and phrases and that it can't be avoided sometimes, especially when portraying something that involves a lot of repetitive actions and motions, but doing so too much makes for rather uninteresting reading. In the most egregious example, the author used the word 'pain' no less than four times in a single, relatively short paragraph. In the future, he should consider using synonyms or rewriting the sentence so that it doesn't feature so many samey words.

As for Guu, while I dislike to criticise someone's grammar (since I am hardly an expert in this field), she sometimes had a tendency to mix up tenses. In fact, I've noticed that this is characteristic of her writing in general. While a writer isn't obligated to use past tense, they should at least be consistent and stick to the tense that they are primarily using. Unless it makes sense in context, mixing up tenses will jolt the reader out of the experience and that isn't something you would normally want. Since Guu has asked me via PM to provide an example, here's a quote from the fight (the words in bold are in present tense):

He charged forward at shocking speeds, taking her entirely by surprise. She barely could make a hole in her chest with her malleability before Gil could make one for her. However, the sides of the weapon dragged against her skin as he pulls out, giving her various cuts and burns. Wincing in pain, her adrenaline starts pumping to the max.
Gil goes in with EA again; Guu leaps out of the way and starts running around, occasional busting out acrobatic moves. He starts swinging it at her from various angles. In one jab he barely grazed her shoulder. In another swing he barely missed her head.

But in spite of these issues, this was a well-executed fight. I found it particularly hilarious due to the fact that it started over something as trivial as a Twitter fight and because it highlighted the dangers of using your character's real name when posting on the Dataverse (something that almost no roleplayer has noted as a potential issue).

Ice to see you - This is a short thread and from an experienced writer to boot, so there isn't much to say. I liked the depiction of how the elements were slowly wearing Link down and how this made him completely ill-prepared for the fight against the trolls. It was also nice to see Shade playing an active role in the events and that he wasn't merely relegated to the usual role of spiritual guide. Lastly, I have to praise how the author is able to write in a very compelling manner without using a lot of complicated or obscure terms; it makes the story very easy to read.

So, overall, a great thread so far. I'm quite curious to see where it will go from here.

[Sarah_Kerrigan]

This is closed now.