+- Omni Archive (https://omni.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Discussion Forums (https://omni.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=3)
+--- Forum: The Creative Corner (https://omni.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=30)
+--- Thread: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe (/showthread.php?tid=6676)
OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - 13-Jzall - 09-01-2017
Title, no details are down at the time of this being posted.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-01-2017
How's this?
3 rounds (+1 intro post?)
800 words
72 hour time limit
Random ON
Damage Meter ON
You can decide on a location and setting and any fodder details such as why we might be fighting.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - 13-Jzall - 09-01-2017
The arena will be a hive city. Hive cities are giant sprawling cities that can hold countless billions of people who will never see the light and the same fate rests on the shoulders of their offspring. The fight will be on a factory floor so heavy machinery will be the main pieces of scenery with workers trying to earn a pay largely ignoring a fight, they will attempt to fight if something affects them however. The reason for 13 and Ebony fighting is that when 13 saw her he thought that she was dark mechanicum because of her black cloak. 13 then saw her practicing magic which made him immediately attack her because of reasons that would take up multiple pages. For more info about the hive city click here: http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Hive_City and if you really want to know about why 13 would automatically hate Ebony click here http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Dark_Mechanicus and here http://warhammer40k.wikia.com/wiki/Adeptus_Mechanicus
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-01-2017
Seems good. You can post the new IC fight thread in the creative corner when you're ready.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-01-2017
Got my intro post out, the fight starts now (properly).
Also, Ebony's scythe kinda disintegrates if too far away from her. Do you want that mechanic of the move to be disabled for this fight? (as in, it wouldn't be stealable) Or doesn't that matter to you?
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - 13-Jzall - 09-01-2017
13 wouldn't know that so may as well keep it in.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-13-2017
Aaand we're done. Don't have a judge yet. So if anyone wants to, that'd be appreciated. Even if you have no experience. It's just a mock fight after all.
Some feedback would also be nice, if possible.
Otherwise, just a damage report, some rough comments, and a winner is fine.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Amaterasu - 09-13-2017
Do you want me to take a stab at it? I'm not the best in terms of experience, but I can try to give you guys some feedback.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-13-2017
Go for it Amms.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Amaterasu - 09-13-2017
Posting linkerino for reference: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8999
It'll take me a couple days but I'll try to give you both some in-depth feedback.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Amaterasu - 09-26-2017
Agh! I'm such an idiot, I completely forgot about this for a while >.< I'm sorry guys. I'll focus on it now.
For reference, I'm using Failz's judging template, found here: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=4482
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Ebonywood Hellscythe - 09-26-2017
It's cool Ams. Thanks for doing this.
RE: OOC fight: 13 vs Hellscythe - Amaterasu - 11-13-2017
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8997 OOC THREAD
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8999 IC THREAD
As a heads up, I won’t grade the intros for the fight score, but I’ll still point out some stuff. Might as well ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Note that I base these notes on my first read of the fight.
2 months after the last post of the fight… man I’m fast. Must’ve set a record or something.
I posted the link before but here’s Failbro’s judging template as I am using it for this judging: Linky Link
13 – Intro
Punctuation and the Enter Key. Please! Please use those. The post was difficult to read on some parts due to it all being a block without separations, missing apostrophes/commas etc. An example would be “emperors light”. Also, wouldn’t Emperor be capitalized because you’re talking about a person?
“felind” :frog:
“determined to constantly deny him his prize of the scythe she constantly held” This is an example where I had to read it twice to understand the sentence.
By the way, intro posts don’t need word counts :frogbon:
Ebony – Intro
You’re doing the opposite of 13 at some points, putting in too many commas instead of too few. In some places you can replace it with a semicolon or leave it out completely. Also, commas before “and” – there’s a few exceptions in English where you can do that but “into the ground defensively, and speaking her“ isn’t one of them. You can find some great resources online if you search “when to put comma before and” or something, though!
As for 13, you don’t need to write Word counts.
13 – 1
“waited no time to start the battle” :frog:
“he saw that Ebony was hesitating and shot 3 bullets at Ebony.” Ebony twice? I feel like this is a mistake that you could have noticed by reading the post over before posting it. (if you did read it over, just watch for it next time ^_^)
“The impact threw her to the ground and the scythe was left on the ground.” Same as above. Try to describe things more clearly. Also: Ebony dropping the scythe would be useful info to write into the post.
“13 used this time to reload his sniper rifle and aim his pistol, he saw Ebony speaking to herself but he didn’t know what was happening.” This sentence could be divided into two. Also, “what was happening” would be better replaced with “what she said” or something similar. And how does he reload a sniper rifle, aim a pistol AND hold a scythe all at the same time? Does he have four hands? (I know he doesn’t but describing how he holsters one weapon and draws another would be better fitting)
“What he noticed, however, was that the scythe in his hand had disappeared and appeared by Ebony’s side.” :wat: This sentence strikes me as particularly weird. I know what you mean to say, but it sounds like 13 doesn’t notice the scythe disappearing, only that it’s gone.
“If the golden throne fails Terra and Mars will fall to deamons” Inconsistent usage of tenses. No bueno :poop:
“a gust of wind sent 13 flying towards a piece of heavy machinery. 13 stood up,“ Did he slam into the machine? Does he stop before that? Does he get ground up between the gears? Don’t leave out the juicy details :woah:
“a few almost hit but the workers were being hit as well so it didn’t mean much.” I don’t really get how the attack means less because it also hits other workers...
“out of his hand and next to a worker”, I would recommend going into detail here: “It flew out of his hand and slid along the ground, stopping next to the foot of a worker who paid it no mind” or something to that effect, if you need to describe it. Otherwise just leave it at that it flies out of his hand.
“she swiped and a few of the pipes on his chest were cut.” :frog: I thought that Ebony would be behind 13 as he picks up his gun? Also, is ‘swipe’ the correct verb here (instead of “slash” or the like)? I’m not sure.
“She attempted twirl the scythe immediately back but” You’re missing a “to” here :frogbon: Also, the general layout of the sentence isn’t correct.
“between the factories and workers, hoping that his robes would help him blend in with the other martian workers.” Try watching a bit more for when you keep using the same word twice, especially in the same sentence – in this case “workers”. Diversifying your vocabulary a bit without confusing the reader helps! “Employees”, “human drones”, “conveyor belt slaves” or whatever other synonym you can think of (or Thesaurus suggests).
Same as for your intro, spacing out your paragraphs helps the reading flow. I also recommend replacing “Ebony” with other terms to fluff the reading flow up a bit (like for the last comment regarding the term “workers”). You already do that but you could do a bit better, IMHO.
Damage recap:
Ebz: Shot to the chest, shoulder graze.
13: Smacked his back to a metal surface, scythe graze, chest pipes cut, some clothing damage here & there.
Ebony – 1
Spell incantation? :frog: Waitwhut? When does Ebz start chanting a spell? The transition from 13’s post to yours isn’t very smooth here.
“It had the desired effect of causing most of the people in her way to move to the side” I would say something about mild panic, shoving or the like. Worded like this it sounds like they’re calmly moving aside to let someone through, rather than running from the flames.
“Still holding back her magic, she spoke again, directing her voice slightly upwards and into the air, straight towards the psychotic assassin.” Lots of commata :froggonk:
“her magical body had reduced them” Magical body sounds a bit weird. I know what you mean, but it reminds me of a “magical girl” more than someone with magic-enhanced defenses.
“her foe began to open his mouth.” Not necessarily wrong, but watch out for ‘X began to do Y’ in general. I find that it fits better with ‘long’ actions, whereas opening a mouth takes a split second.
“It was a good thing she'd used air magic before.” Am I missing something? :frog: This feels a bit out of context to me.
“Naturally, the target barely had any time to dodge” ‘Naturally/Needless to say/It goes without saying’ and similar manners of speech… I mean, it’s not wrong but it’s a little irksome at least IMHO. As in “if it goes without saying, why are you saying it?” Also, “barely had any time”: I would leave out the ‘any’. Small detail though :derp:
“she collapsed, coughing.” I’m noticing that you use -ing a lot. It’s not wrong but watch out about overusage
“In her mind, he was an evil menace and needed to be stopped. Whereas before she only wished to live in peace, now she wanted to stop the aggressor once and for all, whatever that entailed.” This bit feels a bit like a change of heart on short notice, IMHO. Also, “once and for all” sounds like she’s fought 13 before and solved the situation non-permanently :frog:
“In truth, she wasn't actually channelling magic, but her opponent didn't know that.” I like this bit, that’s a smart idea
“She was just as fast as he was”, this bit feels like it could’ve been worded better, since they are moving towards each other, not away from each other :frog: Small detail, though.
Damage recap:
13: Hit in the shoulder by magic, more singed clothing.
Ebz: One bullet grazing her shin, drawing blood.
13 – 2
Again, a single big wall of words? Looking at the post (without reading the words) makes me go “egh”, and that’s not a thing I want to feel :poop:
Also, you have 800 words at your disposal! I understand that time, inspiration/writers block or just plainly not having much you want to write is a thing, but I recommend trying at LEAST for half the maximum. You have 3 rounds à 800 words = maximum 2400 words to impress the judge(s) with your writing and leave an impression, you should use as much of it as you can. Of course that’s just me though, other judges may see brevity more favorable - others might consider it laziness though (I’m one to talk, seeing how long it took me to judge you guys :| ).
“13 was pushed up [...] 13 managed to shoot” :frog:
“13 managed to shoot her once” Where? :psy: Did he shoot out her eye? Did the bullet carve a line into Ebony’s hair? That’s important stuff.
“13 uses his T1 super attack which I can't remember the name of but I only have one so meh.” :frog: 13 pls. Okay, I won’t judge this bit because it’s part of your OOC quote and this is a mock fight, but it should be clear in a “real” fight. Also, point out that you’re spending SP :woah:
“13 ran behind a different container, took out his sniper rifle and shot three times” … and Ebony is standing there and letting this happen? :hur:
“One of the civilians ran and hit a red button, suddenly alarms started blaring” Coulda been divided into two sentences at “suddenly”, but I like incorporating an alarm system into this fight. Finally those people who’re getting slaughtered left and right are acting! :derp:
“Suddenly a squad of guardsmen from the local PDF appeared and aimed their guns at Ebony.” Ah yes, the PDF document guardsmen, more feared even than the DOC and JPG militias :balls: Okay, seriously though: translate PDF at least once so people know what you are talking about.
Damage recap:
13: No damage.
Ebz: Shot once (not clear where), hit by a few lasers to little effect, one bullet in her arm.
Ebz – 2
“Ebony blocks 13's super attack with her T1 Super Defense.” Like for 13, if you’re going to have a combat log please use names - it helps me cross-check what X move does on your roster. And do log your SP spendings. Like for 13, I’m not going to judge this bit.
“Luckily for her, in situations like these, her magic tended to have a mind of its own.” Another example of where I feel there’s a few too many commas.
“Ebony reluctantly reached back, and swung” I feel like this one deserves to be pointed out because comma before an “and”
It happens a couple more times but I won’t rub every instance in your face.“Ebony felt guilty about finding the loud echoing smack so satisfying, but had little time to consider the moral implications in the chaos the followed.” This bit I found particularly nice! Made me snicker.
“Red eyes glared through the smoke at the offenders who had little time to react before a large clump of broken metal and mechanics was flung their way, a slight purple aura surrounding it temporarily.” The red eyes are a bit unclear as who they belong to… I presume Ebony? Also the sentence is a bit long, I feel like it could have been divided for better readability.
“he only succeeded in tearing her cloak.” You guys really enjoy tearing up each other’s clothes, don’t you :frogbon:
“Some mages had trained their minds to avoid such a thing, but Ebony. She had to such tutoring.” :psy:
Damage recap:
13: Hit in the head by Ebony’s scythe staff.
Ebz: Some damage to her cloak.
13 - 3
361 words? I mean, that’s kinda better than your second post but… yeah, refer to my comment there :psy:
“13 didn’t want the city to collapse on top of him.” :frog: I… kinda guessed that.
“There was one last chance at diplomacy” I feel like diplomacy time is long past, but okay
““JUST…. JUST SHUT UP! YOU KILLED THOSE PEOPLE AND THIS CITY’S DEATH ARE ON YOU AS WELL!” I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of how Ebz must have felt then! Props for that :dance:
“Ebony saw where 13 went and ran after him, only being hit by a few crumbling pieces of masonry from the ‘roof’ of the hive level.” :frog:
“as if they were waiting for the order, member of the death korps of krieg appeared and aimed their guns at the elevator” Honestly pulling first the PDF and now ‘Death korps’ out of your hat is a little too convenient. I realize that you’re fighting on 13’s home turf and that military may be on site for that sort of thing, but for them to be deployed in the couple of minutes that the fight has lasted? That’s a bit fast :frog:
“Without any terrain to mess with, she would be at a disadvantage.” Good thinking, I like it :yay:
But, to cover the part of your post after Ebony’s yelling… I find it a bit excessive that 13 would evacuate and Exterminatus a planet over a single heretic :psy: Maybe I am missing something from WH40k that would let me make sense of it.
On the other hand you’re making great use of the homefield advantage by running and getting support. Nice!
Also… this post had pretty much no fighting, only strategic moving around and summoning aid. I feel like there would have been a lot of breathing room here, especially since Ebony is awfully passive and 13 doesn’t actively prevent her from following him (like by shooting behind him as he goes). Kind of a pity :poop:
Damage recap:
13: No damage.
Ebz: Hit by a few chunks of ceiling.
Ebz - 3
“Yet she lingered, pushing away the fire, smoke and rubble” I get that Ebony needs a moment to gather her thoughts, but… in the middle of a collapsing building? :frog: That sounds like it’s straight out of a Hollywood movie.
That whole explosion move… the preparation is very nicely written, but am I missing something? I can’t find it in your roster :hur:
“Even with the aid of her telekinesis to fling sand into the air, hiding her from vision, she'd still been hit by the first volley.” I mean, it sounds like 13 set up a firing squad… they’d probably just fill the elevator with lead without really aiming?
And a T1 at the end of the fight? :frog: I don’t know, is that even possible if the enemy doesn’t have a chance to defend against it with their own post? Also, if you could name said T1 that’d be great :frogbon:
Damage recap:
13: Hit by Explosion.
Ebz: Shot by firing squad, self-inflicted clothing damage (goshdangit Ebz, are you trying to distract 13 with the sexy?)
Scores
Nobody went over the word count or time call as far as I can tell, and wrote their three posts, so no penalties there.
Quality
13 - 3. Could’ve done better, and several descriptions (Hive city, PDF etc.) I only knew of because I happen to read WH40k by coincidence. Someone with less background knowledge would have been a bit confused. Also, the people didn’t really react to you two guys’s fighting at first, but then someone hit the alarm and suddenly military is ready to go, so… it didn’t really feel like a living, breathing world. On the other hand you did do some descriptive… descriptions of stuff at times, and it was overall decently satisfying to read.
Ebz - 5. You managed to capture the world and scenery decently well, though you left a lot of manipulating the other people of the setting (workers and armed forces) to 13. I get that it’s “his” homeworld, but I feel like you could have summoned more or have them react to Ebony, rather than just killing some. I realize that “giving” 13 more allies puts Ebony IC at a disadvantage, but I feel like that would’ve been compensated for by your good writing. I enjoyed the read, though.
Technical
13 - 3. I pointed out the specific errors in grammar and paragraphing in each post, but I feel like there’s room for improvement here. The same as always: I recommend spellchecking through MS Word or a similar software (online or offline) to catch issues. It takes 5 seconds and helps a lot. Other than that, spacing out paragraphs and such.
Ebz - 5. Grammar and paragraphs were overall good, but the excessive usage of commata irks me a lot. Same as for 13 - if you didn’t spellcheck, try that (though there was overall little in the way of grammar errors).
Realism
13 - 4. What most bothered me here was that 13 did not react at all to his injuries and kept going. Even if you had Survival, ‘selling’ your opponent’s attacks a bit more is important. 13 felt fresh and in good shape throughout the entire fight, despite sustaining numerous hits and running around. On the other hand you played your character’s limits fairly well in terms of moves and powers, I feel like, so this does bring your score back up a fair amount. I also took into consideration 13’s summoning of aid as he fights a heretic, which… I mean, it’s an environmental “power”, but it plays a role, right?
Ebz - 4. You did a good job at describing Ebony’s injuries as she sustained them, but… that was about it. Ebony kept going like 13 with little regard to injuries or fatigue, except for that breathing moment on your third post. Especially because Ebony got shot so many times that she must have gained 10 pounds from all that lead by now :hur:
At the same time I feel like Ebony’s powers were played a little too limited. It’s 4 ATK vs 2 DEF - yet only Ebony’s scythe seemed to do any notable amount of damage to 13, and even then… well, I don’t know.
Scale
13 - 6. I feel like you really managed to shine - granted, this fight happened on a Hive world so you knew your ins and outs. While the scale felt a little blown up (can a single heretic, aka Ebony, be so horribad that the entire planet must have an Exterminatus called on? A Hive world no less?), the scale of the battle, about how it affected the workers and caused first a local police force, then a military one, to show up, how all that ramped up over the course of the battle, was portrayed very well. Same for the collapsing of millions of lives’ worth of Hive World area, because Ebony destroyed one or two support pillars… the architect to have designed that sort of support structure must’ve been crazy.
Ebz - 5. Same as 13, you managed to capture the scale of the world very well, I feel like. Buuut, it was mostly reacting to 13’s prompts (again, letting him play the PDF/military) and playing along, save for that bit where you began collapsing the whole thing. I dunno, I feel like there was some room upwards here.
Of course Ebony as an outsider doesn’t have influence on the world like 13 does, but you could have tried using either him or uninvolved NPCs to get a better rating here.
Skill
13 - 2. The score here is mostly for 13’s involvement in the bigger scale of the world and making it a story, essentially. Rather than just staying stuck on “Ebony give me your scythe” you ramped the scale up to “This is escalating, let’s evacuate”, and enlisted the help of NPCs. No real ‘wow’ moments here, though.
Ebz - 4. The ‘wow’ moment comes from your 3rd post with Ebony’s “Hollywood deep moment”, which I rather quite enjoyed, as well as generally describing her emotions and reaction to… well, being told to die without resisting and that you’d be responsible for billions of deaths and whatnot. I like how the gravity of it was portrayed, and her whole inner monologue.
Bonuses
13 - Used a T1 Super attack, +0,5 points.
Ebz - Used a T1 Super defense, +0,5 points.
(T1 Super attack at the third post is not counted because 13 couldn’t retaliate)
Total Score
13: 3 + 3 + 4 + 6 + 2 + 0,5 = 18,5
Ebz: 5 + 5 + 4 + 5 + 4 + 0,5 = 23,5
The winner is… *drumroll* … EBONYWOOD HELLSCYTHE!