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+--- Thread: May I get some feedback? (/showthread.php?tid=4259)
May I get some feedback? - Naruto Uzumaki - 04-20-2016
I just finished Naruto's current story arc here, so I was wondering if I could get some feedback on things. Like what I did good, what I did wrong, what I could improve, and so on.
Please be as brutal as possible.
RE: May I get some feedback? - Mark - 04-22-2016
I'll read it over and have something for you either tomorrow or the day after. I can't guarantee it will be world-class criticism, but I'll give it a shot. =P
RE: May I get some feedback? - Naruto Uzumaki - 04-22-2016
(04-22-2016, 07:41 PM)Mark Wrote: I'll read it over and have something for you either tomorrow or the day after. I can't guarantee it will be world-class criticism, but I'll give it a shot. =P
Thanks! =D
RE: May I get some feedback? - Mark - 04-23-2016
First of all, great job! Definitely an enjoyable read. You've got a strong grasp of Naruto's personality and mannerisms and it shows. The whole thread played out like an episode from the anime, which I really enjoyed. I particularly loved the exasperation Naruto showed, especially upon realizing that he couldn't use the Shadow Clones outside of the Barrage. I had a good laugh at that.
And now, some nitpicking. Keep in mind that I just picked examples and there are multiple instances of some of the errors I listed (not a bad thing! You're just being consistant with what you know.) I just didn't want to really hammer you with examples of the same thing over and over.
Quote:Naruto couldn't help but smile at the chaos he caused, in one foul swoop he had managed to reduce the number of his pursuers to three.
The comma in this sentence should be substituted for either a semicolon or a period, as each clause can stand by itself. (Also, side note: the phrase is 'in one fell swoop', not 'foul swoop'. Not a big deal though. =P)
Quote:Looking around, he finally spotted something in the distance. Lights!
Here I'd use a colon rather than a period, as the sentence introduces the word.
Quote:Naruto squinted towards the edge of town, looking for easy places to lose his pursuers in. He spots an alleyway to the left and gets an idea.
Definitely be sure to maintain a single tense throughout your writing. Switching from 'Naruto squinted' to 'He spots' is a change in tense and is very jarring and unnatural-sounding to the reader. Since much of your writing is in the past tense, it should read 'He spotted'. This happens a bunch throughout your posts.
Quote:"Stay right where you are." the trooper said.
In an example like this, the period within the quotes would actually be a comma, because the whole quote and the bit about who said it are one whole sentence.
Quote:"The trooper goes limp and falls to the ground, leaving Naruto open for another attack. Naruto closes the distance between the two and delivers a kick to TK-421."
There's nothing gramatically wrong with these sentences, but they just seem...flat. I understand what's going on perfectly, but I don't feel very engaged. You're doing a lot of telling when you could instead be showing.
Quote:The trooper stumbles backwards and backs into a railing, losing his balance and falling over the edge.
This sentence feels weird hanging in the middle of the page by itself. It should probably be stuck into the paragraph before it.
Quote:Naruto quickly makes a break for it over the rooftops, looking for a new place to hide out while his arm gets better. If it'll get better.
The second sentence here is actually a fragment and it doesn't seem to fit very well. While fragments CAN be used in writing, they're really tricky to place and not ruin the cadence of the work. I'd instead make the fragment one of Naruto's thoughts or include it in one of the other sentences after a comma or something.
Quote:He sat up and looked around the room, he seemed to be in an apartment. An extremely messy one at that.
This bit combines a couple of things I've already mentioned. It can be reworked a little to help it flow better. Here's what I'd suggest:
"He sat up and looked around the room. He seemed to be in an apartment, and an extremely messy one at that."
Quote:Wires were going every which way, screens littered the walls, program boxes neatly organized inside a bookcase, a half eaten plate of food, among other things.
For this sentence you'd not want to list just a plain noun after a list of clauses. You should probably make it "and a half-eaten plate of food lay on the floor, among other things." or something similar.
Quote:Finally he had enough and interrupted her, "I don't care about any of that stuff, just tell me what I gotta do to make a disguise and I'll do it!"
When introducing a quote, you should use a colon rather than a comma. This can be fudged if you have a really short sentence as it preserves the flow (e.g. 'She said, "I don't want to."') but in the majority of cases, you'd use a colon.
Quote:"Fine," she huffed "but you just missed out..."
When putting an action in the middle of a quote, you'd need a comma before starting the next quote.
Quote:...curbstomp to his enemies face.
Since you're speaking about the enemy 'possessing' the face, you'd want to use "enemy's" here.
As a general comment, a lot of the scenes and characters you mentioned are rather nondescript. I had a rough idea what Ayla looked like and obviously am familiar with Naruto, but everyone else I was left to mentally make up with my own ideas. Similarly, I know that Ayla's room is a mess, but beyond that I'm left to fill in the blanks myself. While it's acceptable to gloss over some unimportant aspects, others are more necessary. For example, you were right to not waste space describing every inch of her house, though more of her room might have been nice. Where did Naruto and the thief fight? Was it in the middle of Carrefore? In the outskirts? In the middle of the desert? Though I'm able to follow the scene direction, without a backdrop and descriptions of the actors, I'm not gripped as tightly by the narrative.
In conclusion: I really enjoyed it. Most of the grammar things that I pointed out are relatively minor in the grand scheme of things so overall I'd say you're pretty good there. If you pay attention to the tense and add some description, I think it'll really take you up a notch. That's not to say you're on a 'low' notch at all, improvement is always possible! =D
RE: May I get some feedback? - Naruto Uzumaki - 04-24-2016
Thanks Mark! I'll be sure to do these things from now on!