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+--- Thread: Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo (/showthread.php?tid=3282)
Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo - Sans - 12-04-2015
Rounds: 3
Time Limit: N/A
Word Limit: 800
Post Order: Sans --> Athena
Location: Resturaunt/Bar
Win Condition: Official Judge Ruling
Intro posts will not be part of judging.
Re: Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo - Athena Myaló - 12-06-2015
-wrong thread, woops-
Re: Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo - Jade Harley - 01-07-2016
Apologies for any typos! This was a real tough fight to judge. I used Sinestro's wonderful fight scoring sheet. :-)
General Overview:
Frankly, I was very unsure about how this fight would even be initiated. Your introductory posts established the setting, yes, and the characters wandered in to begin speaking, but the fight took a bit too long to actually begin in my opinion. It could be because the characters probably wouldn’t have had much beef with one another in an actual story-line, but you probably could have at least attempted to kick something off at the end of your introductory posts. Still, it was good, solid reading, and I’m not going to take those into account anyway.
I feel as if you both jelled pretty well together as writers, with Athena tending towards the more verbose and structured and Sans en route for the more compelling and poignant. There were times when I had to take a moment and try to mentally piece together a series of events between posts, because there was obviously a rift between the times, actions, and places being described. That is the main difference between role-playing and reading a novel, I suppose, because it’s necessary for one player to write an action and another to write a rejoinder.
In the future, though, maybe try and collaborate with another writer and ask for tips on how to write as their character, at least for one line of responsive action (moving beyond just dialogue) for every shocking turn the fight takes. It could really help improve the ‘flow’ of the fight, and make it seem more story-oriented to boot.
Aaaaand let’s see, no one exceeded word limits and you were both right around where you needed to be with that. It’s going to be a close one, my friends, so bear with me.
Now, on to the actual judgment!
SANS
Description and Clarity: 2.5
Not too shabby! You were actually kind of the driving force for much of the fight and you got things moving for us, so that was good. There were times where I would have liked to see you get a tad more creative in the presentation of different details about your surroundings, but otherwise you did fairly well. Not much was confusing, but I found myself feeling kind of underwhelmed until the very end, so your start wasn’t especially strong.
Voice: 3
I think that, with some adjustments, you could really achieve some great effects in your writing. In contrast to Athena, your stuff was sort of limited, almost stunted. That will get better with time, the more you write and read, but just a few more bits of description to describe Sans’ movements and Athena’s response to the ketchup-y gore would have been nice.
Quote: The laughs were so loud and so raw that the skeleton didn't even hear the woman scream and fall onto the floor after staring at his gory face.
Okay, right, she screamed and fell after looking at his face. ‘Gory face’ sounds a little dull. How could you have better said this, in a way that really evokes some kind of primal instinct or terror?
Quote: The laughs were so loud and so raw that the skeleton didn't even hear the woman give a cry as she collapsed after catching a glimpse of his gore-splattered face.
There are other parts of your posts that I could have pointed out where this kind of re-wording might have been more appealing and easy on the eyes, but I would prefer that you just keep this in mind for the future. Less is more most of the time when writing, but you have to make those limited words count.
It’s all about word choice, keeping the reader interested and entranced by your writing. You’ve gotta make it vivid— have all of the tiny, intricate details stand out in stark contrast to really grab the reader’s attention, is all I’m saying. Don't agonize over describing one thing though, just write what comes naturally and then try to enhance it the best you can. It could give your posts an extra boost. I’m not saying that what I wrote was the best way that you could have reworded that, it’s just one other way that would have provided some more enthralling details that a reader craves.
Nothing was too confusing and tedious, though, and that really counts towards you.
Characterization: 4
You did really good here. Like, way good. You portrayed Sans as this goofy little skeledude who just wanted to tell a joke, accidentally pressed all the wrong buttons for this one lady, and then gets attacked for slipping on a hamburger! It doesn’t sound like it would make for a good story, but you really pulled through.
Quote: The comic brought his hands up in surrender, opening both of his eyes to stare at the weapon shoved into his nose socket.
Showing rather than telling how your character feels, excellent. Good use of body language and the note about the weapon being shoved roughly into his face like that really set the tension-building mood. Nice work.
Quote: He landed on the ground, snapping his head to look back towards the crazy woman.
Even “the crazy woman” was a good detail to stick in there. You placed some good words and thoughtful bits throughout your posts that kept us up-to-date with whatever Sans was thinking without letting the introspective stuff dominate your posts. The occasional nods toward your character’s tragedy and history were also a nice touch every now and then.
That ending, though. Hoo-boy. We’re in for one bad time. Or a good time, if your writing remains up to snuff!
Story: 3.5
When reading your posts I never found myself wishing you had cut down on anything, removed needless prose, etc. In fact, I kind of hoped that you would have added in a little more, but with that killer word limit I can see how you might not have been able to do that.
I like how you mentioned the other people hanging around the joint and actually had them interact with your character. The bartender, the “dudes and dudettes”, all of that was real nice and provided for a kind of comfortable, lazy atmosphere, which made it all the more shocking when Athena pulled a gun on Sans. Speaking of that….
Quote: Sans imagined rimshots occurring in the background as the bar exploded with laughter. The laughs were so loud and so raw that the skeleton didn't even hear the woman scream and fall onto the floor after staring at his gory face.
Sans chuckled to himself as he bowed, closing his eyes as he basked in the glory of the crowd. He reopened one eye a moment later, looking at the stool where he last remembered the woman being. All he saw was the barrel of a gun.
This was very nicely done. I didn’t expect the last part of the second paragraph there, and it was kind of shocking to me! You chose the perfect place to bring in that little tidbit, too, and the size of that paragraph was just right to accommodate for it. Bravo!
Quote: Even without eyes, Sans could feel her staring through his very being. He was nothing more than a target, waiting to be eradicated. Sans sometimes compared himself to Mettaton, the MTT comedy robot for at least one reason: both were huge crowd pleasers.
This audience, however, wasn't worth the negativity.
^Another quote I really enjoyed that touched on both characters and some of Sans’ past. Great job!
There was this one part in all of this, though, that I think was more of an organization thing, if anything, that kind of confused me. Here, read over this for me real quick:
Quote: Sans quickly threw his hand to his right, the billiard balls launching themselves like missiles towards the gunner's back. They all connected, though it didn't go quite as planned. The surprise attack caused the human to lurch forward, tumbling into the monster. They both fell painfully into the counter, with Sans on top of Athena.
Sans brought his right hand up to his skull, keeping his new crack covered to prevent more bleeding. It got closer and closer. He could end the madness here. 10 feet. 5 feet.
Bullet through bone marrow. Roar of misery. Rib cage decimated. A moment to realize. Falling.
Sans reached his left arm out towards the glowing exit, his stomach bleeding into the earth, begging for life.
Now, where did that bullet come from? I didn’t see that it was said that Athena took aim at Sans after they basically knocked into each other, and it would be terribly awkward to have to try and aim a rifle in such close quarters. There were missing details here that probably should have been addressed in your post. Had Sans crawled away at some point? Either way, it was sort of muddled.
It was mostly just this whole wild situation Sans was thrust into that might have hurt you, I think. I’m sure that if you were given a much larger and more precisely planned story-line that you would have been able to do something overwhelmingly superb, but this just wasn’t one of those cases.
Technical: 3
I’m not going to deduct anything because of the lowercase dialogue for Sans because I know it was intentional and actually took some time to type out. You had a few errors here and there, and a couple of your sentences were sort of difficult to read and fully comprehend without a second glance, but I’d say you did alright. Try slowing down every once in a while to check over your writing to check for this kind of thing; even one or two proofreads might not be enough to catch all the little stuff! That last bit in the Story section about possibly disorganized and confusing details also decreased your score in this area.
Maybe reduce your use of commas, too— there were some places where they were not necessary and made the story drag. Remember, not all details have to be separated by commas! You can use regular old conjunctions as well. You had good variation among your sentence length and structure, so it wasn’t like my eyes were glazing over as I tried to read through a huge wall of text. Nice work.
TOTAL SCORE: 16
ATHENA
Description and Clarity: 3
While you had plenty of description, sometimes it became a bit too exhaustive, almost excessive. You delved into Athena’s thoughts for much of your posts, paying little to no attention to the external setting while frequently digging around in Athena’s internal environment for something to write about.
Now, I get the whole Mind-y thing, and that Athena is more or less blind. But, you could have described tactile senses, maybe, with words like “cold” or “grooved” or “sandpapery” at any point in your writing. It felt kind of like you kept Athena floating in this whole mindspace throughout much of her posts, and even though she was moving it wasn’t described with anything but the barest of details. The omniscient view helped with this, though, so it isn’t especially urgent. The word limit was probably very detrimental to your writing as well, so try not to stress about it.
Getting past that, however, I feel like there were some things you described very well. Athena’s scythe-rifle, for instance:
Quote: Athena leaped to her feet and pulled hard on the switch to transform her rifle. The mechanics clicked and each hinge rotated, unfolding the blades and extending the handle until the Soul of Mind was holding her brown and golden scythe tightly in one hand.
That was a cool way to describe that befuddling piece of weaponry. Nice job!
Voice: 3.5
When I read over your posts, I thought that they seemed very…. Intellectual, I guess. Neat, but in a way that takes something small and expands it into something very large. Your pacing was a little slow because of this method of describing little things, which made a lot of movements and stuff seem a bit over-exaggerated, but the content of the posts mostly made up for that.
Over all, your voice as a writer, I would say, is pretty strong. It sometimes pulls at the seams here and there, becoming a little too focused on one thing at some intervals or too abstract in others with no real safe middle ground to be found in-between those two extremes, but it isn’t bad. Quite the opposite, really.
Every paragraph seemed to have some driving emphasis in them, but there were a lot of vestigial bits surrounding it that kind of reduced the “impact”, so to speak. Try trimming down those big paragraphs and revising over just what you want your character’s actions, dialogue, and her surroundings to say.
Characterization: 3.5
I thought you really tried to shed some light on Athena’s character, not just through her actions, but more so through explicitly saying what she was thinking. This can be seen as good or bad, and I’m mostly in-between on that, but I still thought you performed marvelously. Here was a quote that really struck me as interesting and telling of Athena’s character, although anyone might be inclined to disagree:
Quote: Somewhere in Athena's mind, she knew she needed to try to stop. She was perhaps not the most selfless being in the Omniverse, but she would do what she must to keep herself from killing an innocent. Now was her only chance before she lost herself again. She didn't have the control to cease entirely, but there was one possibility that remained. As she moved to jump down from the bar, a sudden impulse from the higher part of her mind forced her to hesitate - already halfway in the air.
There were several intervals in your writing where you might have been able to talk more about Athena as a person, but she’s mostly a mystery to me. Those flashbacks and memories were nice and very well-written, but if asked I probably couldn’t say much about who Athena really is. I don’t think I’m supposed to, but it isn’t very fun for the reader to be left in the dark all the time.
Story: 2.5
There were many instances when you kind of…. Elaborated too much on one thing. For example, when Sans started telling a joke:
Quote: She heard him begin with a rhetorical question of some sort - "What did the skeleton say to the doctor?" She tilted her head in interest, bringing her head up off her hands. She could tell he knew the answer just by the way he spoke, but decided not to delve into his mind for it, despite her curiosity. He seemed to be about to tell everyone already. The answer would no doubt be quite enlightening, especially if it involved an explanation regarding why an animated undead creature would be visiting a professional mainly concerned with preventing death in the first place. The circumstances outlined in the initial query were interesting, and Athena found herself eagerly anticipating further elaboration.
This would be alright in a normal post where you do not have a word limit, but this kind of hurt you near the tail end of your post. You didn’t have any room for the actual fight scene, and this was a recurrent theme in a lot of your posts.
The time where Athena was “severed” from the corporeal world was interesting, but it seemed a little…. awkwardly placed, if you consider the rest of the post. It just didn’t mesh well, mainly because of the way you led into it and the way it cut off. I feel like, if you had not used the little "~~~~" separation things and had only used maybe a hyphen to break off into this trance/dream state, it would have flowed a lot better! Still, that's all technical, and it was a good piece of writing and I thought it was an interesting look into Athena’s past, even if it didn't fit super well with how the post was organized.
Technical: 4
Your grammar and spelling was mostly impeccable. There were times where you could have done better with paragraph length, because they all started kind of piling up in this big intimidating block at one point, but you’ve done pretty well. Try to shorten your paragraphs, basically. Create variation! It'll be subconsciously more appealing to the reader, less textbook-y.
TOTAL SCORE: 16.5
SANS: 16
ATHENA: 16.5
THE WINNER IS ATHENA!
I didn't know if you two wanted to try and piece together an ending post. You both wrote amazingly well, I can't wait to read more from you.
Re: Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo - Athena Myaló - 01-08-2016
Thanks for judging, Jade!!! ||3
(I'm glad you didn't notice any blatant similarity between Athena during this story and Rose's possession towards the beginning/middle of "Like One Sundered Star" - or, if so, you didn't mention it. ||p I intentionally tried to steer away from falling into copying that author's analogies and character-portrayal, but felt that I was getting rather close despite myself. ==" And I didn't even know you were going to be the one doing the evaluation!)
(Heh, the quote you used in Story was mostly meant to get into Athena's calmer [and verrry verbose] method of thinking, and also in a roundabout way make a joke out of her general lack of understanding of "classic" humor, but yeah, it was probably more long-winded than it needed to be. Word limits are a bear indeed. =_=)
Sans, I'll shoot you a PM in a second about a conclusion. Good job, my friend! ||-, (I knew from the beginning you were going to score higher than me in Characterization - you're fantastic at writing Sans's character, and you're pretty accurate from what I know of him. =v=)
Re: Mock Fight: Sans vs Athena Myalo - Jade Harley - 01-08-2016
Yeah, I noticed! I hadn't known at the time that you had read LOSS so I was like "HMMM what a weird similarity, I'm probably just assuming things right now because I apply Homestuck to too many things as it is"
It's a good fanfiction. I've probably unknowingly referenced it in some of my posts. xD