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+--- Thread: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion (/showthread.php?tid=1390)
Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-10-2015
Word Limit: 800
Posts Per Player: 3
Time Limit: 72 hours
Random Elements: On
Damage Meter: On
Participants: Okor Paleblood versus Victor Wolfe
Location: The Nexus
Reason: The two have argued over philosophy, religion, and life choices. Eventually, Victor challenges Okor to a 'friendly' duel. Okor accepts, and the two draw blades and ready for battle.
Post Order: Victor --> Okor --> Victor --> Okor --> Victor --> Okor
Gilgamesh has expressed interest in judging the fight.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Victor Wolfe - 05-10-2015
all looks good to me
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-12-2015
Since you did that response post to Carn, feel free to do a combat post, if you feel like it.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Carn_Val - 05-12-2015
I looooove being a random element. XD
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-12-2015
Victor, I'm not sure your character would be able to preform like that under the circumstances. He's down half a face, in extreme pain, and he is certainly incapable of tearing apart a chain vest. With 1 ATK and DEF, he's a normal person. Would you, yourself, be able to fight effectively when half of your face is putrefied, let alone tear apart a mesh of metal links, or leap over a 3 meter high monstrosity?
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Carn_Val - 05-12-2015
True, keep the realism between the stats during fights. They're not there for decoration.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-13-2015
Right, we're done with the posts. If Gilg could judge us when he has the chance, that'd be great.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Atelos - 05-13-2015
I'll get to this within in the next day or two
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Gilgamesh - 05-13-2015
Alright guys here is how my scorecard goes
Style-The flow of the work and the way it sounds. Does it sound good in a sense and was there anything that detached me from the story? The things you do to create the story and the literal words you use.
Grammar-Basically what it says. Are there a lot of grammar errors or are there none? This can vary to actual punctuation to sentences and etc.
Character Involvement- Am i interested in your character? Not necessarily "Do I want your character to win?" but more of a sense that I want to be attached to your character. Do I enjoy reader your character fight and his evil or heroic plots? This is kind of like "Awesomeness" that I usually do but this has more additions onto it.
Believability-Do I believe that these things would happen or was it forced to fit in with your plot? Did your character God-Mod a bit? Did you write fair injuries in and fatigue or did your character seem to get off scot-free?
Penalties/Bonus'- For the gamey aspects of the RPG such as Super Moves, Transformations, Stats, and other things that would not be accounted for in just plain old writing.
Each section is out of 5(Except for Bonus' since those are actual Bonus')
Don't worry if your score seems low, I tend to be a little over analytical.
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Victor Wolfe:
Style:3.5 -I like your style of writing and you use diction very well, but sometimes I feel like you use words that your character wouldn't such as "humanoid" or other things and it kind of detached me from your post and I felt that you used some words that didn't mean the same thing. Make sure your narration matches your
Grammar: 1.5- I feel like if you proofread more and checked your writing, this score would shoot up. A lot of your paragraphs were long run-on sentences or either 2 word sentences. Maybe you could split this up more into smaller briefer statements but it's a little unappealing to read. Also just some spelling errors and there was one segment where your color wasn't cut off with dialogue but an entire paragraph. It was really distorting to my reading experience.
Character Involvement: 2.5- I'm not sure what you're going for in your character? I got the badass part but then I got a mixed feelings of cold assassin, and young gang member, and some sarcasm in there. I like where you're going and I know how hard it is to come up with a totally new OC's personality but I feel like you should make a decision and stick with it. I feel like your writing would be a lot more impactful that way.
Believability: 1.5- I'm going to talk about this in a separate comment but for now I'm going to say that it seemed as if you guys took turns being badass in your writing.
Total: 9/20
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Okor
Style: 4- I love the way you write and describe things and the way you write, although sometimes I feel like you have some weird word choice but that is just my preference. Also just a bit less "Okor" in your post and an increase in pronouns! Other than that it's good!
Grammar: 4.5-If you have any errors, I didn't catch it. There was one thing with bolding, I'm not sure if it was thought or speech but it kinda bugged me.
Character Involvement: 3.5-i like the badass Holy Warrior tidbit and I get what you are trying to do but I feel like I don't get attached to the character too much. I felt like he was determined and enjoying the thrill of the fight and that was it for him. At the very end I got some insight to character and I want to see more of that.
Believability: 1.5- Same comments as Victor and I'll expand below.
Total: 13.5/20
Victor- Okor
Okor you may make the official post of the ending of the fight deciding what you would like to do with Victor. This was a nice fight but I have some comments below after I give you both damage.
Victor-5
Okor-4
Post Note: While I feel I covered some topics that I had in my judging here is some advice for you both below. At this site, we like to create a storyline and with this fight I kind of feel like whenever one character was posting, it was a complete stomp. I feel like you guys didn't communicate very well in this fight and your entire post would be of you doing something extreme against the other writer. This doesn't really create a story well and it seems like the two writers are fighting with the two characters.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-14-2015
Thanks Gilg! I'll be sure to take your advice into consideration. I did sort of exaggerate Okor's ability, largely because I thought the stat differences in ATK and DEF were having a larger impact on the fight than they probably should have. Nonetheless, I really enjoyed writing, and I'll be sure to do even better next time!
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Carn_Val - 05-14-2015
I guess what Gil's trying to say is that we, as writers, should only aim to make a good show for the readers a priority over the stat mechanics, it being merely used to keep us in touch with the realism between each other and to, maybe, help the judge gauge the outcome.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Gilgamesh - 05-14-2015
What Carn said^
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Victor Wolfe - 05-14-2015
Thanks for judging the fight Gil, I agree with all that you said, Grammer has always been a weak point for me but I will try and work on it , I re-read my roleplay from the start and feel I need to focus my character a bit more, I think I know how I am going to do that, I will definitely take the believability into account next time I write. Congrats Okor, it was really fun working with you
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Okor - 05-14-2015
Same! I had a great time, and I intend to improve in the future.
Re: Marine and Malcontent- Discussion - Victor Wolfe - 05-14-2015
Me to, perhaps once we are both at a point we are happy with our improvements we could have a re-match, would be interesting to see the characters fight again when Wolfe is a bit wiser and my writing skills are better lol.