+- Omni Archive (https://omni.zulenka.com)
+-- Forum: Discussion Forums (https://omni.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=3)
+--- Forum: The Whateververse, Man (https://omni.zulenka.com/forumdisplay.php?fid=6)
+--- Thread: I dont know (/showthread.php?tid=1364)
I dont know - Miranda Frost - 05-09-2015
((note: this started as a switch help thread that got de-railed as I got carried away with what I was writing down.
Seraph is my oldest character in which ive shared many adventures with through a great multitude of roleplaying sites and settings. To me I see him as a symbol of human curiosity and the mad desire to seek it out to often destructive ends. I use him to channel my inner sense of freedom and positive emotions. With a few limitations removed and various changes to his appearance, Seraph is undoubtedly.. me. He is my creation and with all my creations I put a lot of myself into. My drawings are almost all black in white cause that is how I usually see things, and that is the way Seraph sees it. It is or it isn't. Middle ground is no true middle ground but its own option separate and sovereign from the other to. One could say this is my happy self.
But lately its been hard for me to write him as I have been hitting hard times emotionally academically and maybe financially. I am nineteen, having graduated from my highschool with a 4.0 gpa and number 14 as my ranking. I perhaps could have done better if I had actually tried but, I wanted to take the world as it came at me, one at a time. I am the older brother of 4 siblings, who may or may not look up to me. I love them with all that I am. I sacrificed my extra-curricular activities to assure they had a good older brother. With father divorced and constantly kicking and fetching back the step-mom, I had acted as "Atlas" and held my siblings above me.
The job I had during highschool didn't help. They didn't appreciate the hard work I gave them, and caused me much stress from the over-fluctuation of work hours and scheduling. This coupled with the starting of community college, I felt like I was going to crack. I turned to my best friend, the ye olde internet to help vent my frustrations and feelings. I had been roleplaying on forums ever since middle school, and it allowed me to eh.. carry on. This place captivated me with its simplicity I just had to switch to this one. The community is great and I felt at home away from home. Then school, work, and home began to crush me. Although part time at work, I was working full-time hours on top of six college courses I was taking that semester. At home firewood needed to be chopped, chores needed to be done, and siblings needed to be baby-sat. I did it all with a fake-ass smile on my face. I couldn't handle it but i did it anyway without telling anyone I was struggling. I have to look good in front of my siblings to give them something to look forward to in themselves. I had to meet and blow away expectations.
I couldn't get it right. I failed my semester and got suspended from my job. I went through a silent depression and hid it from everyone (which is why I left the first time. Not sure if I mentioned this at all). I crawled out of it with hope of the second semester. I had gotten most of my credits from the first one, so I was still able to attend and I was able to work again, things were looking good. House work got a little easier and I began to smile again. It crashed against me again with my guard down. Work kept lying to me about my hours scheduling, promotion requests, etc while bombarding me with insane hours with a schedule that destroyed my internal clock. I was unable to handle my classes again. and my siblings mom returned to whisper bullshit in their ear to make my sorry ass father even sorrier and shittier, so I had to go to court to testify in his favor and lie just so the kids wouldn't get taken away from him. I got suspended indefinitely from my job and failed my semester. A few weeks later I packed every single bit of anything mine and moved out without telling anyone while they were still in school and work.
I live with my mother for the time being which is nice for once. Father didn't like my mother's side of the family and and often lied and objected to my desire to see her and spend time with her. She has this gun and.. lately for some reason I have been imagining how it would be like just to end it all you know? I've failed everyone I care about's expectations of me. They thought I was going to be great, do something awesome and all I fucking wanted to do was to show them that this is my life and I will decide how it will go. That's what I thought. Im horrified of myself. I don't know what I even want anymore.
I feel numb you know? I feel like I'm rambling but its not rambling if it hurts to put out each word is it?
(WARNING: I'd rather if anyone who has anything negative to say about this at all not even breath in this thread. This is deathly serious and I'm taking this seriously as well. HELP is encouraged here, not constructive criticism or any other bullshit. This is not a joke, this is not a game. I understand that most if not all wouldn't dare do this anyway, but the net and the world are full of trolls, flamers, and ass-face dutch-bags who will stop at nothing to make people suffer at their own amusement. IF this thread wasn't an indicator enough, I am already suffering. To those who think this is nothing compared to their own shit, you are wrong. Different people can only take certain amounts before they shatter, and i am almost there.)
Re: I dont know - Ganondorf - 05-09-2015
Anyone who tries to put you down or berate you for your feelings will be banned with extreme prejudice.
I'm glad you were able to get this off your chest and find the courage to talk about it. Seeking help isn't weakness. In fact, it's a sign of strength and being able to know yourself well.
As I've stated many times on this site, I'm the oldest guy here. I've been through a lot in my life. I'm on my third wife. Three of my children I rarely see. I joined the military immediately after high-school to provide for my then-pregnant girlfriend. I'm in pretty much crippling debt, one which constantly causes me to seek escape from reality from via videogames and other diversionary activities. And, like yourself, my parents divorced. I grew up moving from place to place as my father's alcoholism continually got us evicted and him fired. Because of this, we were barely able to make ends meet. I was never particularly popular either, always being the new kid in class and being an introvert didn't help either. I remember the tough times of 1 meal a day. And for me, having my brothers and family with me helped to ease the burden.
Not trying to take away from you, just giving you a bit of background into my life before I get into the advice.
It might seem cliche, but you have to remember that tough times are temporary. You seem like someone who has the world in his hands. Smart. Able. Just the type of person who is full of opportunity and potential. Sometimes, you just need to take a step back from the situation, take a nice deep breath, and look at the problem from another angle. And never be afraid to seek counsel or advice. You never know just how much of a relief it can be to just talk to someone.
Re: I dont know - Omni - 05-09-2015
I can't say much to make your life any easier, but I can say you're among friends. I'm glad that this site was able to help you in any way, getting your expressions out. Writing is that way for a lot of people and I think that's one of the reasons these sites become so important. They're a way for us all to share and expose things that we might not necessarily share in real-life.
It's not a secret to everyone on the site that I've struggled a great deal with suicidal thoughts. These past few months, particularly, in fact. I don't want to hijack this thread, because right now I'm feeling okay. I can't really give great advice, though. But I just want to emphasise that you're not alone. I feel like life is shitty for a lot of people right now. I guess all I can say is take it day by day. Cliched advice, but I guess the way I see it is, do whatever it takes to feel better as long as it's not hurting anybody. You will start to feel better because that's just how it works. It's just a matter of surviving until then. If you want to hit me up, my skype is Helixagon.
Re: I dont know - Shay Cormac - 05-09-2015
Seraph, I just want to start off by saying this, I've always had an easy life, from start until now. Every single time I'm met with somebody and a problem like this, I always wonder to myself, would it be easier to understand if had I went through the same things they have? All the time, I'm left thinking, why couldn't they have lives like mine? All of this leads me to pretty much wish that I could go through the same pain that you all do almost every day. I have so many friends that are a mess of psychological problems, and not to toot my own horn here or anything at all, but coming from what they've said, the fact that they look up to me as a person despite my easily simple life gives me purpose in living as a whole.
We all have things that drive us, Seraph. One of the reasons I come online every day is to talk to people like you, one of the reasons I get up every day is for the ones like my girlfriend, my family, my friends. I have so much, but of course, I didn't start off with all of them, save for my family. I earned their respect and their trust because I vowed my own life in the pursuit of happiness for others. If I had made a mistake with somebody's feelings to whom I had a deep respect for, then I'd make it my goal to fix it no matter what. I speak no hyperbole when I say I'd gladly end my own life to help somebody else's.
The thing is about that, Seraph... I've got to live. A majority of us know what it's like to just... want everything to end, to put it simply. The thing you always have to think about, and that thing that brings me back up to my feet every time I get these feelings, is how others would react to it. I've gained the trust and respect of so many people, and making it so I'd have my life take it's toll so abruptly would break their hearts completely. Seraph, I know it may not look like it now, but people truly do care for you. That's how life is now, because although there may always be people who hate you for merely existing, for all those people, there will be those who will love and care for you no matter what happens.
I deeply care about you Seraph, even though I may not know you as well as I may do others. Coming from what I just read up there however, I can tell you've been through a lot, and none of it you deserved. The trick is in cases like these, is to simply keep going, and moving on. No matter what, you can't let your will whither down, you cannot let your mind break. I know you're tougher than to let that happen, and perhaps our words can convince you as such, because I believe it to be true. Everybody is capable of great things, no matter how hard life comes back at you. Just keep moving forward.
In the case of your writing motivation, it's alright if you need to take a break for a while to sit back and think, because trust me on this, us peeps on the Omniverse aren't going to mind if you need to deal with things going on in your real life. You're just as important to us as everyone else. I'd say "wish you the best of luck" right now, but remember...
You make your own luck!
Re: I dont know - Carn_Val - 05-09-2015
Before anything else, I'd like to thank you for entrusting us with this information. It takes a lot to entrust something to a bunch of faceless entities on the internet and with that, I commend you.
Ok, Seraph is, in one way or another, like Carn in a way that it represents us in a world much different than our own. Yes, you can say it's some kind of coping mechanism, escapism or whatever nitpicking people will tell you. Here, that doesn't matter. What we know is that Seraph/Carn is an extension of ourselves, to allow ourselves freedom from the limits of the real world. This,however, doesn't in any way help us deal with problems the real world throws at us, right? We simple use them to, honestly, turn our backs against reality and it's harshness. So, what do you think should we do to be able to go over such problems? Even if you say it's too bug to fix, who says anything about fixing problems? Problems can and will leave lives in ruin and there's just no way we can stop these things. That is the truth, sad but arguably true. But, will you allow these problems to storm over you? That is the question.
"So, if we can't fix problems, what should we do?" you ask. Simple. We strengthen ourselves for the coming ones. We may not have been prepared when the previous ones came but at least now we have an idea what life throws at us, correct? Using such trail of thought, we can enforce our foundations and live on. Yes, it sounds like I'm relating it to a storm and all that storms of life cliche but I tell you, that is how it is.
Now, I want you to ask yourself these questions:
"What did I do wrong?"
-one of the greatest flaws of depression is denial, always pointing out that it was someone else's fault, that life could have been better with or without him/her. Pointing a finger and blaming someone is a no no. You may have done something or maybe the lack thereof is the reason. This is not to put yourself down any further but to try and realize the things you should/shouldn't do to avoid repeating the same mistake again.
"What am I doing now?"
-just so you are currently aware of what you are doing at present, do this. This not only stops you from reminiscing past mistakes too much and pulling yourself down further but also to make you aware that "Hey! I'm alive right now. I'm living. I can go on." Yes, not everyone is as blessed, as fortunate and as strong as you are. You're doing good. Live on. March onwards. Rise. Keep going.
"What am I good at?"
-yes, what are you good at exactly? You look like the capable, responsible, caring and patient kind of person, and you're good at roleplaying too! Once you feel your thoughts get heavier, try writing it down and make some sort of plot for an OC character or maybe just apply it to Seraph. Make an adventure out of it! Be creative! Heck, we can like meet IC and do things together. That's it! Let's RP sometime! It'll be fun! Yeah, this'll go under escapism and distraction but since it works, why not? Just don't dwell on it too much.
And finally, "Why am I doing this to myself?"
-yeah, why? We won't judge you, so why go and be so hard to yourself? Just think of it this way "You are the most important thing to yourself." By no way does it mean to be self-centered or selfish, it means that you need to take great care of yourself. I mean, how can you go on if you're too sick to even move now, right? You will be tested, you will be tired and exhausted. When such happens, just rest and stop trying hard. Breathe in and out slowly. Inhale for 5 seconds and exhale for another 5 more, keep doing this for 5 minutes to calm yourself. There's scientific explanation but I won't go there, my brain doesn't have the power to do that. Bottomline is it calms you down enough for you to think clearly. "Don't be too hard on yourself."
Soon, you'll be good enough to laugh it off, I'm positive. Just remember to keep asking yourself these 4 questions everytime you feel down and cold. Yeah, you feel responsible and probably guilty for failing to meet their expectations but such a thing is too much for a single person. That's why you came here. That's why people are replying here. That's why I'm writing this. Life throws things that are too much for a single person, that's why we were blessed with family... friends. So we can carry one another out of these sink holes in life. No matter what happens, keep going. Rise. March onwards. Live on.
Also, if you need anything or got some more questions, you can just PM me or Skype me: "corielith".
If you want to read a book, check some of Styron's work.