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+--- Thread: Quest: Hand of the Empire (/showthread.php?tid=1089)
Quest: Hand of the Empire - Senator Armstrong - 03-18-2015
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With this, I submit Manifest Destiny for the quest completion for Hand of the Empire.
Re: Quest: Hand of the Empire - Atelos - 03-20-2015
I'll be grading this quest.
Re: Quest: Hand of the Empire - Atelos - 03-22-2015
Alright you already know how I'm grading but first off let's check off the Quest Stipulations
5000 words? It's about 8648 words soooo check!
Find and capture a prime for detainment check!
And that's it for Quest Stipulations.
Like I said I'll be grading with my usual score card described below.
Style-The flow of the work and the way it sounds. Does it sound good in a sense and was there anything that detached me from the story? The things you do to create the story and the literal words you use.
Grammar-Basically what it says. Are there a lot of grammar errors or are there none? This can vary to actual punctuation to sentences and etc.
Story-Does the story make sense plot wise? Does it have a beginning, a conflict, a rising action,, Etc.
Awesomeness-Do I enjoy reading it and was I interested in the story? Is it thrilling and does it engage the reader.
Believability- I feel like this should be a separate section of its own. Do I believe that these things would happen or was it forced to fit in with your plot? Did your character God-Mod a bit?
Each section is worth four points and since this is an easier quest i'm having the cutoff at 10 which should be an average score.
------Scorecard------
Style-2.5 I see that you had listened to my advice and you use much more pronouns than before and it is a lot more pleasing to the eye. I love the way you describe the settings but my only criticism is that you fail to describe people. Such as the Alien that you met at the counter, I had no idea what she looked like other than the nasally voice and six eyes. It's a little knit-picky but I would have enjoyed it more if I had seen this "Office Alien" Sort of speak.
Also I just found it very…jarring as a reader to have you go from using bolding and colors for certain people using Dialogues to nothing at all. I liked it when I knew who was speaking and you easily made it readable, however in your later posts the dialogue would be lost in long paragraphs without any distinction other than quotation marks. Just a personal preference to make sure Dialogue is stood out but I feel like others may feel like it too.
Grammar-2 There wasn't a large number of mistakes, however there were some mistakes that brought me out of the story. There was a couple of spelling errors, such as missing a D at the end which made it change tense, that sorta brought me out of the story. Also there was this one section at the beginning where you switched speaker's from Armstrong to the War Veteran who was assigning him a job. It was pretty confusing but once I found out what you were trying to get at it was much better.
Story-3 This was fairly good it had all the required Criteria that a story should have. The only part I questioned was his motives to join the military but you continually referenced parts from your Nexus post so I think a continuing reader would understand why he went there.
Awesomeness-4 Honestly, I loved this quest. You had written it well and I enjoyed reading every word of it. Some parts of it was action packed and those that weren't were filled with Character thought and humor. There were no boring parts of this quest, and even though I say that it was in no way rushed at all. It was a very enjoyable read up till the very end.
Believability-2.5 Although I enjoyed reading it very much, there were some parts that suspended my belief. The point blank gun shot for example. I know you have 4 DEF as well as Nanomachines Son! but the fact that he came off without a scratch kinda made me think for a bit. Also, you built up this "Oh No that Sam Scuddler Guy is going to be a problem!" But he didn't show off any light manipulation you said earlier and he was taken out fairly easily, even though you did get stabbed.
Total Score- 14/20
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This was very well written other than some personal preferences and was a very interesting read. This is much better, in my opinion, than your Dracula quest and I can see that you're taking feedback in a good way and becoming a much better writer.
I'll put your rewards down below this.
Also take this Spartan Seal of Approval! :atelos:
Re: Quest: Hand of the Empire - Atelos - 03-22-2015
Quest Rewards
6,161.14 + 300 = 6461.14 OM