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+--- Thread: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic (/showthread.php?tid=497)
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Ricter - 05-25-2018
Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 101,196 characters.
Total word count: 19,416 words.
Viewer desertion is advised: Violence, innuendo's
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-25-2018
(05-25-2018, 05:58 PM)Ricter Wrote: Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 101,196 characters.
Total word count: 19,416 words.
Viewer desertion is advised: Violence, innuendo's
I got this one.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-25-2018
(05-25-2018, 05:58 PM)Ricter Wrote: Herbal Medicine
Quest or Personal Storyline?: Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Ricter Casenger
Total Character Count: 101,196 characters.
Total word count: 19,416 words.
Viewer desertion is advised: Violence, innuendo's
There is so much to love about your thread.
Your descriptions of the Tangled Green are amazing, from the first time you lovingly go over the fauna and the rich air, to the quick but interesting descriptions of the townsfolk. Your description of the market likewise held an air of approachable mystery, of adventure for the taking.
The character's were engaging, the goblins in particular. The goblins really stole the show, as you turn a low-level DnD encounter into something exotic, vibrant, with real danger for the protagonist and a real sense of loathing the reader feels towards the foul little goblins. Similarly, Vee (and to a lesser extent Vel) was very well-thought-out, with very real motivations and reactions and a well defined character. Even the merchants and Dr Dovan and the other minor characters are fun to read.
Unfortunately, I cannot award a bonus to this thread
Like I said, there is a lot to like about the thread. The parts that are good are DARN good. It is clear that you spent time and effort lovingly crafting SOME of the thread.
Unfortunately, it casts a light on the parts of the thread that are not as well-tended.
Spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, sloppy scene changes, even the minor issue of colored text, these things compound to make a potentially great thread very hard to read and enjoy.
Editing is not as fun as writing, especially editing the parts of your story that are not as interesting to write. However editing heavily benefits the reader, and we like to encourage you to spend a little extra time and energy to make the experience more enjoyable for the reader. Comparing this thread to Ricter's entrance, I feel that this thread does not hold up to your own standard of writing.
While I can not award a bonus for this thread in it's current form, I offer you a solution. Go back and edit your posts. Edit the color of the dialogue to be black (but find another way to distinguish who is speaking if possible). Clean up whatever spelling mistakes, missing or wrong words, and things of that nature that you can. I will personally monitor the edit queue for you. When you are done, resubmit the thread, and you will have earned your bonus.
P.S. if you edit your first post, the thread dissapears, do not be concerned.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - PepsiWhirda - 05-26-2018
(05-25-2018, 10:38 AM)Whirda Wrote:(05-24-2018, 06:24 PM)Cell Wrote:(05-09-2018, 02:11 AM)Jim Raynor Wrote: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=7489
The Odd Couple
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Rory Swann, Karax (NPCs of Jim), Jim Raynor
Total character count including spaces: 74,421
Total word count: 13,102
Giving this a bump.
I'll take this one.
Hey Jim/Cell,
I've read some of your Illidan posts since I returned to the site. I am always struck by your sense of nuance, especially in the dialogue and the relationships between your characters. Many writers struggle with this idea of wanting their characters to be liked, both by the reader and by each other, but the thing is: heroism isn't descending on your enemies, massacring them, and moving on without a scratch. By my estimation, your characters are made all the more heroic--and all the more likeable--because their existence is something of a constant struggle. From the first post, there's always something to endure. Whether it's the constant, exhausting heat of the Town With No Name, or the break down in communication between Swann and Karax, or the trials the two companions face in the desert. Your characters remain believable throughout. In particular, the writing for Karax was spot on, reminiscent of old Star Trek where the profound difference in perspective adds great tension and humor to the story. Karax was my favorite character, guided always by his principles and his idea of what is right, rather than what is easy or serves to benefit him.
As far as plot goes, your pacing is excellent and great attention is given to developing your relationships without sacrificing the story's progress. If I had any criticism, it would be that you sometimes forego diving into descriptions of the surroundings and the scene. I had some difficulty picturing the bar in the first few posts, or the destroyed industrial building in the desert, because you leave a lot to the imagination. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'd like to see you dive deeper into what your characters are experiencing with their senses. Slow down a little bit to set the scene, and I think you'll find it adds a great deal to the immersion of the reader. As it is, the story is carried by the characters and by your truly excellent dialogue, but it's lacking in pulling me into the world you're creating.
Mechanically, I noticed maybe five or six small grammatical errors throughout, nothing that detracted from the story. I'm not partial to the method of showing telepathic communication with <>, but that's just a stylistic choice and doesn't change my grade. In my opinion, it serves to remind the reader they're reading a story and also cuts down on the immersion bit, but truly it's no big deal.
I know it's probably annoying, but I am going to hold off on assigning a bonus for a short time. I have a potential change to the system in the works on the staff side and I would like to get more feedback and see how that pans out before rendering a decision. Suffice it to say, I think this thread falls just short of Exemplary, but I'm not comfortable giving it a mere 50% bonus. More to come.
Quick Edit: I also wanted to point out, I think Karax calibrating the teleporter to take them back home was a good choice. Some might see it as a cop out, but I think the story had reached a satisfying conclusion. I do think you could have drawn out their encounter with the giant worm a little longer though.
Doug
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Yu Kanda - 05-26-2018
Cleaning up the streets
Personal storyline
Yu Kanda - 13414 Words 74060 Characters with spaces
Victor Wolfe - 8232 Words 44272 Characters with spaces
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-26-2018
(05-17-2018, 01:18 AM)Ash Wrote: Same Shit, Different Day
Personal
Ash, The Storm Demon
Characters 22451
Words 4173
I'll handle this one today, actually already read it but will re-read and judge harshly
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-26-2018
(05-17-2018, 01:18 AM)Ash Wrote: Same Shit, Different Day
Personal
Ash, The Storm Demon
Characters 22451
Words 4173
I award the GREAT bonus to this thread
OM Earned 224.51
You really start out with seven paragraphs about Ash summoning and riding a horse and make it awesome. We learn so much about Ash and it is done so subtly that you can't even feel your head being shoved full of Ash-related trivia.
You then ruthlessly convert a standard random-encounter into a drama with a simple perspective switch, and introduce us to the lovable npcs very smoothly. You are also able to show us the epic nature of Ash's power from the eyes of the NPCs, a brave choice that paid off. You end the fight in classic Ash fashion.
You then zoom in to show what the character feels is important; the lust-demon is less interested in fireside chat with all the novel characters and more interested in her tryst, which is why we have an overlong focus on their flirtations. Even in your final post, Leon and Ash's parting get's all the attention, while the many miles from Camelot to the Nexus and unabashedly consigned to a single sentence. Savage expectation subversion.
Keep up the good work! P.S. dibs on judging Ash's next thread!
EDIT by Blink: Updated OM
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Alexander Blakesley - 05-26-2018
Yellow Beauty Burns Gold
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list):
Yang Xiao Long
Belle
Alexander Blakesley
Ms. Marvel
Total character count including spaces (*)
Total word count (*)
Yang Xiao Long 894 words/5009 characters
Belle 2656 words/15203 characters
Alexander Blakesley 2186 words/13051 characters
Ms. Marvel 868 words /4983 characters
(*Calculated in Google Docs)
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Blink - 05-26-2018
Quote:(05-24-2018, 02:16 PM)Whirda Wrote: This one is a whopper, I hope whoever reads it enjoys my big comeback!
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10095
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal storyline.
Participating characters (please list): Whirda, Tia Dalma [NPC], Captain Deudermont [Secondary], Blackbeard [Secondary]
Total character count including spaces: 88,005
Total word count: 14,926
I would grade this story GREAT.
OM Earned - 880.05
@Whirda: Please fix your purchases link in your profile and I'll update ya!
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-26-2018
(05-26-2018, 05:27 PM)Alexander Blakesley Wrote: Yellow Beauty Burns Gold
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list):
Yang Xiao Long
Belle
Alexander Blakesley
Ms. Marvel
Total character count including spaces (*)
Total word count (*)
Yang Xiao Long 894 words/5009 characters
Belle 2656 words/15203 characters
Alexander Blakesley 2186 words/13051 characters
Ms. Marvel 868 words /4983 characters
(*Calculated in Google Docs)
I'll take this one! Gimmie till tommorow.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - PepsiWhirda - 05-27-2018
(05-26-2018, 05:51 PM)Blink Wrote:Quote:(05-24-2018, 02:16 PM)Whirda Wrote: This one is a whopper, I hope whoever reads it enjoys my big comeback!
http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=10095
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal storyline.
Participating characters (please list): Whirda, Tia Dalma [NPC], Captain Deudermont [Secondary], Blackbeard [Secondary]
Total character count including spaces: 88,005
Total word count: 14,926
I would grade this story GREAT.
OM Earned - 880.05
@Whirda: Please fix your purchases link in your profile and I'll update ya!
All set! Thought I had fixed this already, silly me.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - PepsiWhirda - 05-27-2018
(05-26-2018, 12:10 PM)Yu Kanda Wrote: Cleaning up the streets
Personal storyline
Yu Kanda - 13414 Words 74060 Characters with spaces
Victor Wolfe - 8232 Words 44272 Characters with spaces
Dibs.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Luci - 05-27-2018
(05-26-2018, 05:27 PM)Alexander Blakesley Wrote: Yellow Beauty Burns Gold
Personal Storyline
Participating characters (please list):
Yang Xiao Long
Belle
Alexander Blakesley
Ms. Marvel
Total character count including spaces (*)
Total word count (*)
Yang Xiao Long 894 words/5009 characters
Belle 2656 words/15203 characters
Alexander Blakesley 2186 words/13051 characters
Ms. Marvel 868 words /4983 characters
(*Calculated in Google Docs)
So this thread was cool.
I award the Participation Bonus to all participants
OM EARNED
Yang Xiao Long 50.09
Belle 152.03
Alexander Blakesley 130.51
Ms. Marvel 49.83
A classic Nexus clusterfluff! Refreshing! The thread was very readable, enjoyable, and fun as frick. You guys write very well together, and I hope to see it again; Golden Girls looks exciting. The thing I liked the most about the thread is the characters; they are all very exciting and fun to read.
Yang you did what you do best, which is beat the snot out of people and look good doing it. You really are a great Yang, for so many reasons.
Belle was classy as always, effortlessly approaching an absurd situation and having the character address it rationally. It helps tighten the strings on the disbelief suspension machine. You took an anime-cliche (we are freinds now because of a fight) and made it relatable, down to earth, and realistic, just like your character.
Alexander Blakesly breaks from the tempo of the thread with a more detailed and tactical viewpoint, delivered so well it felt like I was watching a movie. I love Alexander's dialogue as well, super cool!
Ms. Marvel you made me laugh. Twice. I've got my eye on you...
*in the distance, the sound of Omnillium bonus-shells rings out like thunder*
-Kellyedit!
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - The Vision - 05-28-2018
Submitting a quest!
Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8966
Quest or Personal Storyline: Quest (Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Participating characters (please list): Ok Dongja
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 59719
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 10273
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Violet - 05-28-2018
hey i need diablo or one of you sweet beautiful people to come like let me out and junk. http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-post-133510.html#pid133510
I gots people to kill and revenge to be had.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Trixie - 05-28-2018
(05-28-2018, 02:42 PM)Violet Wrote: hey i need diablo or one of you sweet beautiful people to come like let me out and junk. http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-post-133510.html#pid133510
I gots people to kill and revenge to be had.
Gentle reminder that you'll need to post your character (with spaces) for us as well.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Violet - 05-28-2018
Link to topic http://omniverse-rpg.com/thread-2209-post-133510.html#pid133510
Quest or Personal Storyline? Quest
Participating characters (please list): Violet, Trixie
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable) 133,361
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable) 23,736
![[Image: 2eaa370975ab14f1e904b02bc56bbe8d.png]](https://i.gyazo.com/2eaa370975ab14f1e904b02bc56bbe8d.png)
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - PepsiWhirda - 05-29-2018
(05-28-2018, 03:00 AM)The Vision Wrote: Submitting a quest!
Link to topic: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=8966
Quest or Personal Storyline: Quest (Sorcerer's Apprentice)
Participating characters (please list): Ok Dongja
Total character count including spaces (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 59719
Total word count (excluding bbcode, images, etcetera. Please do separately for each member if applicable): 10273
I'll take this one as well @Luci. Plenty of time for reading tonight so this one and Yu Kanda/Victor Wolfe's submission will be done in short order.
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - Ash - 05-29-2018
@Luci
So I heard you had dibs ;3
Errands of a Storm Demon - Missed this one.
Personal
-
Ash the Storm Demon
4,659 words
25,284 characters
One Hell of a Ransome Note
Personal
-
Ash the Storm Demon
8,218 words
44,356 characters
Erik Vrell
2,348 words
13,594 characters
RE: Bonus Request Topic/Quest Turn-in Topic - PepsiWhirda - 05-29-2018
(05-26-2018, 10:48 AM)Whirda Wrote:(05-25-2018, 10:38 AM)Whirda Wrote:(05-24-2018, 06:24 PM)Cell Wrote:(05-09-2018, 02:11 AM)Jim Raynor Wrote: http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=7489
The Odd Couple
Quest or Personal Storyline? Personal Storyline
Participating characters: Rory Swann, Karax (NPCs of Jim), Jim Raynor
Total character count including spaces: 74,421
Total word count: 13,102
Giving this a bump.
I'll take this one.
Hey Jim/Cell,
I've read some of your Illidan posts since I returned to the site. I am always struck by your sense of nuance, especially in the dialogue and the relationships between your characters. Many writers struggle with this idea of wanting their characters to be liked, both by the reader and by each other, but the thing is: heroism isn't descending on your enemies, massacring them, and moving on without a scratch. By my estimation, your characters are made all the more heroic--and all the more likeable--because their existence is something of a constant struggle. From the first post, there's always something to endure. Whether it's the constant, exhausting heat of the Town With No Name, or the break down in communication between Swann and Karax, or the trials the two companions face in the desert. Your characters remain believable throughout. In particular, the writing for Karax was spot on, reminiscent of old Star Trek where the profound difference in perspective adds great tension and humor to the story. Karax was my favorite character, guided always by his principles and his idea of what is right, rather than what is easy or serves to benefit him.
As far as plot goes, your pacing is excellent and great attention is given to developing your relationships without sacrificing the story's progress. If I had any criticism, it would be that you sometimes forego diving into descriptions of the surroundings and the scene. I had some difficulty picturing the bar in the first few posts, or the destroyed industrial building in the desert, because you leave a lot to the imagination. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but I'd like to see you dive deeper into what your characters are experiencing with their senses. Slow down a little bit to set the scene, and I think you'll find it adds a great deal to the immersion of the reader. As it is, the story is carried by the characters and by your truly excellent dialogue, but it's lacking in pulling me into the world you're creating.
Mechanically, I noticed maybe five or six small grammatical errors throughout, nothing that detracted from the story. I'm not partial to the method of showing telepathic communication with <>, but that's just a stylistic choice and doesn't change my grade. In my opinion, it serves to remind the reader they're reading a story and also cuts down on the immersion bit, but truly it's no big deal.
I know it's probably annoying, but I am going to hold off on assigning a bonus for a short time. I have a potential change to the system in the works on the staff side and I would like to get more feedback and see how that pans out before rendering a decision. Suffice it to say, I think this thread falls just short of Exemplary, but I'm not comfortable giving it a mere 50% bonus. More to come.
Quick Edit: I also wanted to point out, I think Karax calibrating the teleporter to take them back home was a good choice. Some might see it as a cop out, but I think the story had reached a satisfying conclusion. I do think you could have drawn out their encounter with the giant worm a little longer though.
Doug
Further to this post by Alex (http://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=66&pid=133607#pid133607), I am awarding this thread the Excellent bonus.
Bonus: Excellent
OM Earned: 1,116.32