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+--- Thread: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita (/showthread.php?tid=4470)
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RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Carmelita - 05-17-2016
Round 3 Open
Calling first post
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Marcus Wright - 05-18-2016
Round 3
Calling for Marcus.
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Marcus Wright - 05-18-2016
Marcus Final post done.
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Carmelita - 05-18-2016
Three rounds complete! Jade, we await your resultifications.
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Jade Harley - 05-19-2016
Aaaalrighty, I should have the results up sometime soonish! Tomorrow, probably.
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Carmelita - 05-19-2016
Thank you, Jade! Looking forward to it!
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Marcus Wright - 05-19-2016
Thank you Jade!!
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Jade Harley - 05-21-2016
Okay, let’s do this! I’m using Sinestro’s fight score sheet. [x]
First off, both of you did great! This was a super interesting fight to read, even though a warehouse battle might seem a little cliché to some. I like what you guys did with your environment, especially the machinery bit. Some of your posts were a little short at times, but overall you guys were able to get some good conflict going between your characters!
I would also like to say that in future fights it would be super helpful if you would include what Moves your character used and the word count inside of quotes at the end of your posts. Like this:
Quote:Word count: [insert # of words in your post] according to wordcounter.net/or your word counter of choice!
[Character Name] used [names of whichever moves they used in the post.]
Anyway, here we gooooo~!
Carmelita Fox-Cooper
Description and Clarity: 3
Your scenery was very clear and well-written! I wasn't confused at all by what was going on and there certainly wasn't anything excessive. There were a few cases where some extra description might have been a welcome addition to your posts. There were times where you acknowledged the pain Carmelita might have felt after being hit and there were other times where you didn't, but I would have preferred to see what kind of damage she was taking and what kind of difficulties that may have presented for her.
It's more interesting when a character suffers, in short!
The details about the electrical fire, the maze of boxes (especially how they moved and presented a neat hazard), and the use of the water ripples paired with Carmelita's cloaking device was also a good, believable situation. I wouldn't have thought to include the part where Marcus could detect her using the ripples, and you showed how that worked rather than directly saying what was going on, which is always a superb way to reveal interesting twists in a story!
I just wish you guys would've had a lengthier word limit so you could have written more!
Voice: 3
A lot of your writing in the beginning was straight action, but that's okay! It was exciting and not one word was wasted, every one fit their purpose. Sometimes there was a little bit of repetition back-to-back in sentences (post #5, paragraph 8 for example), but it wasn't really noticeable.
You had a nice way of alternating between focusing on the characters and their surroundings, it was practically seamless. I can't really find much to complain about, to be honest! There was interaction, some (albeit a bit scarce after the intro) thoughts from your character on what was happening and what to do about it, as well as an easy balance between accelerating the story (Carmelita leaping onto the boxes, activating her cloak to avoid attacks, the sprinklers) and getting caught up in the moment (exchanging blows, focusing on the effects of the stun gun), if you know what I mean.
Something that I would suggest to improve your voice would be to include more... strong tone words. Something that evokes an easier image. Like, "she fell" just seems sort of bland, doesn't it? You can dress it up by saying "she tumbled" or "she pitched over the side"-- using different words that would seem more apt for the situation, showing movement and even how your character is faring all in one go.
Quote:“You have no idea who you’re dealing with!” came the reply. Carmelita couldn’t refute that: she didn’t have a clue who this guy was.
^ That was hilarious!
Characterization: 4
Your approach to depicting Carmelita's attitude and concerns during the fight was remarkable! Some of the dialogue you included revealed a lot, and the professional worries Carmelita harbored towards damaging property was a nice touch. (“If nothing else, I’m getting him for arson and trespassing, I swear.” <-- Excellent!) Avoiding shocking herself when the sprinklers came on was also great, showing that she's sensible and not bound to get herself seriously hurt through a silly mistake. Law enforcement references = good, revealing how important her choice of career is to her.
I would have liked to have seen more of an emotional touch, at times, like if the things happening reminded her of any past experiences. Still, nice work!
Story: 4
You really drove this fight forward with the introduction of new environmental hazards! The enormous amount of boxes really became a fixation point for you guys, ahah, contributing to much of the hilarity. I could really picture your characters just stumbling around atop/around some storage crates, firing weapons at one another and exchanging blows. Also, that electrical fire and the resulting downpour from the sprinklers was awesome, it really helped bring something else to the fight.
Technical: 5
You had a nice variation going for you in terms of paragraph length and sentence length! The introduction of dialogue in places was nicely positioned, too. I didn't see any obvious errors in terms of grammar/spelling/punctuation.
Overall Score: 19
Marcus Wright
Description and Clarity: 2
Your wording was a bit odd at times, sitting kind of awkwardly out in the open. You rushed through what was happening a little quickly, not really pausing to have your character take a tactical approach to the situation. Marcus just kind of... blew right through everything. It was also sort of odd to see several sentences, all separated out like this:
Quote:So far, this creature’s electric weapon wasn’t able to hit him but Marcus would take precautions just in case she did.
As the creature crawled up the boxes, some of the falling boxes were tumbling near Marcus and made him scatter to a less dangerous part of the warehouse.
It was then Marcus decided to move again, this time moving toward one of the lifting machines.
Now, in your first post, you didn't do that! There was paragraph length variation, and most important of all, description! I would suggest trying to include more details about the setting in your writing, appealing to the senses of sight, smell and sound at times. Fun comparisons, similes (ex. fluffy like a cloud, etc.) could really bring some vibrancy to your writing, even if it's just every once in a while.
You were good about mentioning the hits your character was taking, at least after your initial two posts! Marcus felt like a really volatile, angry character for most of the fight, playing a nice bad dude to Carmelita's cop. I feel like you could've elaborated more on his thoughts/memories at times, though, and how they related to the situation. Through his actions alone, as well, you could have provided certain tics or cues that could've indicated how he was feeling.
Voice: 2
You were able to describe your character through how viciously he attacked Carmelita, throwing relentless punches and remaining determined to evade capture. But, you could have written some things with a greater consideration for description in mind. I know some people might say that extended description is bad, but it can be a good thing so long as you don't go overboard. It can convey how much time it takes to perform an action, distance, etc. This line, for example:
Quote:It made Marcus curse and hop out, starting to run at Carmelita, throwing extended dangerous punch after kicks at the creature.
It could have been much improved if you had only made a split between these three separate 'big' things that happened, and then provided some description for each action. (1) Marcus cursed and hopped out of the machine, possibly stumbling wildly around as he searched for Carmelita (good time for describing appearance, setting, state of his health, stuff like that!). (2) He saw her, maybe made some kind of facial expression that expressed his hatred/contempt, and then ran towards her (are his footsteps labored? Is he moving quickly or with a limp? Etc.). (3) Marcus began to throw punches and kicks, then your choice of description for whether they actually strike her or not, the power behind the strikes, etc.
You don't necessarily need to start a new paragraph to move on to a new thing that is happening, but it would at least be a good idea to make a new sentence so it isn't one big "he did this and this and this." It isn't jumbled, that way, and provides a great opportunity for showing your character's motives.
Good work, though, this character has a really strong foundation in terms of his general no-nonsense attitude and you were able to convey that really well!
Characterization: 3
Your characterization has always been really strong! I love the churning emotions and internal stream of thought your characters have, and this one is no exception!
Story: 2
The thing with the lifting machine was a nice touch! I would advise you to think more about how your character knows how to do stuff like that. Just saying that he "somehow" did it isn't exactly ideal-- since he's part machine, maybe dig a little deeper and describe how he understands the intricacies of the machinery and stuff like that! Like, a machine-whisperer. The brief mentions you included, references to his past, also opened up so many doors on who this character is and why he acts this way, so great work!
Technical: 2
You started off really well in your first post, maintaining a good variation in paragraph length, but by your last post this had gradually declined. I think this might have been because your word count dropped to around 200 words when you had 600 to work with, I don't know if this was because you ran out of time or what, but it's always a good idea to try and match a word count as closely as possible!
Your punctuation and spelling got a little wonky at times, too, like when the quotation marks disappeared on your line of dialogue in post #4. The best way to catch that would be to use an online grammar checker, maybe, or to just do a bit of re-reading after you've written your post out to make absolutely sure that everything is all well and good. Nice song at the end!
Overall Score: 11
If you would like any additional feedback or resources, please PM me! I can't promise that it'll be good, but these are just my opinions, after all! I actually have a lot of writing resources scattered throughout this topic if you guys would want to check those out!
THE VICTOR IS CARMELITA!
You may kill, banish, or spare your opponent! Or arrest them, haha.
You may kill, banish, or spare your opponent! Or arrest them, haha.
RE: Mock Fight- Marcus vs Carmelita - Carmelita - 05-21-2016
Thanks for judging Jade! And good fight, Marcus!