Colonel Wrote:The judging and scoring for this started from Donnel's first post in the fight, just so everyone is on the same page here. Actual C&C will be unfortunately minimal, aside from some key points and general notes. I can offer more detail upon request, but due to trying to stay timely and efficient, won't be going into too much detail for grading purposes.


Stephan Donnel

Description & Clarity: 3
Lots of straightforward description and getting straight to the point. Some details that would have been nice to have are left out, but nothing that overly detracts from a general understanding of what's going on.

Voice: 3
Donnel definitely stands out. His annoyance and general irritation at these crazy kids and their shenanigans seems evident enough.

Character: 3
Donnel is an interesting character. There was some good, there was some bad. The relatively short exposure didn't really give me much time to get a bead on him.

Story: 3
The story was...well, it was decent. Not bad, but not amazing. I get that he came to the city to do some trading of some kind, and then just kind of got caught up in general chaos and he's tired of it, but that's about as far as it goes.

Grammar: 2.5
The biggest thing that gets you is some awkward wording of things. Several times you left out 'the' when describing someone or something, which is a little jarring and clunky, and in general there was some oddness in sentence and paragraph structure, specifically in your first post.

Score Total: 14.5

FIGHT TO SURVIVE Bonus: +50%

Total: 21.75


Erik Vrell

Description & Clarity: 2.5
Your descriptions are very short and to the point. There is a lot of telling rather than showing. Your descriptions are clear and it's easy to tell what is happening, but it leaves something out, like there's something...missing. It's not BAD by any means, but it's....plain, I guess is the word I'd use.

Voice: 2
Your posts aren't bad by any means, and I can definitely tell it's you who's writing them, but...that's all you really have going for you. Erik doesn't really seem....present. No clue how he really thinks or views the situation, or how his thoughts really flavor his actions.

Character: 1
The entire scene felt kind of...flat and bland. It's not terrible, but I can't really tell anything about Erik. He just seems to kind of....be there.

Story: 2.5
Erik is there, he's fighting some intruders, and there's this angry steam-man in his way to his real target. Good, lovely. There's only one post to judge on so it's hard to get a real sense of scope and story.

Grammar: 2
For the most part your grammar and sentence structure were fine. Minor errors here and there, but nothing major. The real killer, though, is your paragraph structure, or...lack thereof. It's just these huge blocks of text that make it very difficult to read.

Total: 10


Victor Wolfe

Description & Clarity: 2.5
I was able to follow what was going on in your posts fairly well. It was straightforward and concise, but didn't really fully convey meaning. Lots of just telling what was happening, what Victor was doing and less of how he was doing it. It wasn't terrible or even bad by any means, but it wasn't fantastic either.

Voice: 2
Your style of writing is very direct and to the point. It definitely gets the point across, and it feels very....plain and cold, just like Wolfe himself. That's not entirely a good thing, though, and it still comes across as a little...dull.

Character: 2.5
It's kind of tough to get a bead on Wolfe as a character, I have to admit. From your fight post, I can gather he's at the least devoted to New Babylon, and that he's either angered easily or doesn't let go of his anger...but that's about it. He knows his limits in a fight, I guess, but I don't really...connect with him, get a feel for how he's thinking or why he's doing what he's doing, beyond just being angry at Daxter.

Story: 3
Again, with only one post to judge by, it's hard to really tell any kind of story. You jumped back into the scene against Donnel, made your presence known and stopped him from escaping, forcing him to stay and fight, which is definitely a good way to progress things for your allies.

Grammar: 2
Lots of awkward sentence structure and punctuation usage. Frequently punctuation was just outright missing, leaving out periods and commas to separate sentences properly and making things clunky to read through. It overall doesn't really detract from the reading of things, but it did sometimes cause a double take and need a re-read to grasp fully what was going on. Your actual grammar and spelling were quite good however.

Total: 12


Shay Cormac

Description & Clarity: 3.5
For the most part, your descriptions were solid and left no real difficulty in following along and understanding the flow of events. Improvements could be made, such as focusing a little more on clarity on the specifics of things, focusing less on exactly WHAT was done and more on HOW it was done, if you catch my drift?

Voice: 3
Your writing is solid and very present. It stands out from the other writers in the thread in a notable way, but it's not quite what I'd call spectacular. There's a lot of focus on the happenings, the whats and wheres, and somewhat less on the whys and hows, sort of just flowing along with a rapid stream of events.

Character: 3.5
It comes across pretty clear from the first few sentences that Shay is tired and annoyed with all of this mess. It even seems like he's downright bitter or angry at Donnel for his antics.

Story: 3
Shay showed up and things happened, taunting and angering the old captain before tugging Donnel off balance and leaving him open to a dog pile. It's good progression and well done all in all.

Grammar: 3
Sentence and paragraph structure and formatting is good for the most part. No major spelling errors or the like to speak of, but there are a few scattered over things here and there. It doesn't several impact anything, but a careful look over things never hurts.

Total: 16


Sasuke Uchiha

Description & Clarity: 3.5
Your descriptions are very good. Everything was clear and easy to follow and keep track of. I didn't get confused or lost at any point. There were a few places where a little more information and details would have been nice, but at the end of it all not entirely necessary.

Voice: 3
Your style of writing is strong. I could easily tell that it was you who wrote this, even if I didn't know that beforehand.

Character: 3.5
Some nice introspection and a bit of personal crisis in there. It definitely drives home Sasuke's personal motivations and some doubt about what the actual hell he's doing. It did seem kind of....shoved in there and awkwardly brought up, and just as awkwardly and quickly shoved away again, but that doesn't necessarily make it bad.

Story: 3

Grammar: 2.5
Boy you sure do love your commas. Overall your paragraph formatting and structure is good, but it's those darn commas that get you, letting your sentences drag on a little too long, and just shoving in commas in places they aren't really needed. It doesn't really detract from things, but it does make it more clunky and awkward to read. Spelling and overall grammar were fairly good overall.

One thing: why the censorship, yo? Nothing major and not even a factor in scoring, but it just seems jarringly out of place.

Total: 15.5


New Babylon

ERIK: 10/2 = 5

VICTOR: 12/2 = 6

SHAY: 16/2 = 8

SASUKE: 15.5/2 = 7.75

5 + 6 + 8 + 7.75

Total: 26.75

WINNER: NEW BABYLON

At the end of the day, this actually turned out closer than I was expecting it to. The members of New Babylon may kill, banish, or otherwise deal with Donnel as they see fit.

Proto Mouse Wrote:This will begin Monday evening at 9 PM EST, 2 AM GMT.

Set your forum to GMT. We will run off of that time zone.

No excuses.

Dean Winchester Wrote:So, unless someone posts coming after Dean before I get to call I need to know something, I am outside the gates and I think there were a few people from NB outside them from the last fight? Possibly? At least Victor, Shay, and Erik maybe?


Is this correct or was I misreading it?