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Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-14-2018
Fight #10 Cell/Ricter vs Ash/Jak
[spoiler]Cell:
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 4 / 3
Notes: Your first post is straight-up one of the best ‘tiny posts’ I’ve read in a long time and reminded me “oh yea, this guy is one of the best writers on the website, even if no one takes notice.” You might be able to experiment more with paragraph/sentence sizing as you continue. Technicality aside, I think you’ll want to focus a little on Cell’s character. The vibe I mostly got was “Villainous bad guy with some smark.” There’s nothing wrong with that, but I think you’ll run afoul against some others who have conquered that trope (Zedd springs to mind).
Ricter
Clarity/Description – 2 / 1
Voice – 2 / 2
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 1.5 / 1
Notes: I don’t want to sugar coat this, but you’d benefit from taking some time to edit your posts, especially for stuff like tense-switches. Had you been paired with someone lesser than Cell, you would have shot yourself in the foot. Try and learn from Cell.
Ash
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 2
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 2
Technical – 2 / 2
Notes: Ash is a layered character, but I felt like she spent a lot of your posts (particularly the first one) being a background character. Which was weird, because your character has that aura that makes people latch on to her in their own writing (hence why most posts had at least one ‘Ash-ism’). Unrelated but something that stuck out in my notes, but I thought it was weird that the narrator in your posts was calling Ash an ogre, which was the term that Cell used for her because that was his analogue from his setting.
Jak
Clarity/Description – 2 /2
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2.5
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 1.5 / 2
Notes: A fan of your second post. The interplay between Light and Dark Jak makes for an interesting narrative spin for Jak in your second post and as you move forward, especially in light of this outcome. Will this help give Jak clarity of simply make him spin further into rage and frustration? Take just a little more time to glance over your posts, because you had a couple of errors that ‘stood out’ to me as I read (Technical)[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-18-2018
Fight #9 - Whirda/Yuuka vs Ok Dongja/Marisa
[spoiler]
Whirda
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3.5 / 4
Notes – Yu Kanda told me I have no business giving you feedback to make you better, and he’s a special snowflake who donated.
Yuuka
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 3 / 3
Notes – By the second post, I was feeling really invested in your character. I’m curious to see more as they move on in the tournament.
Ok Dongja
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 3 / 3
Notes – Man, if I didn’t know any better, I’d assume you’re not the same guy who writes the Vision. The differences in styles are remarkable.
Marisa
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 2 / 2
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 1 / 2
Notes – Your first post had some pretty clear-cut editing misses/gaffes, and I can go over those with you in more detail if you’d like. I do want to say that, in the event that you feel some disappointment, you should go back and re-read your stuff as Chara from two years back. It’s night-and-day how much better you’ve become. Once you get some more practice editing and proofing, you’ll be on the cusp of taking that next step.
[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-19-2018
Fight #4 Retane/Victor vs Broly/Amber
[spoiler]
Retane
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 2 / 2
Notes: I expected more rust on you, but your posts didn’t harbor any grievous technical gaffes (which I think everyone probably expected). Like everyone in this fight, I think it took you a little too long to warm up. I want to see angry, incensed, driven Retane next round.
Victor
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Notes: In a perfect world, Victor would win and the other three would have to fight to the death. Victor’s a very unique character, and it just amuses me/entertains me to no end the difference between this Victor and the Victor who walked into DA15 with his weird, fucking rainbow text. I think your team’ll be a scary draw for whoever you pair up against – I pity those people, lol.
Broly
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 2
Notes: Like everyone else, I think you laid an egg in the first round. The post was technically sound, but not your best outputting. Your second round post helped to make up for it. Try and incorporate more of Broly into your next bout. I know you have a unique take on the character, so try and take advantage of that.
Amber
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 2 / 2.5
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Notes: Amber is generally still the same Amber that got sick, degraded, and eventually became a raving monster. Like everyone in this fight with the exception of Victor, I think you had a little rust in your opening post, but you rebounded. [/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-20-2018
Fight #1 Taloc/Makoto vs Kerrigan/Bandit
[spoiler]
Fight #1 Taloc/Makoto vs Kerrigan/Bandit
Taloc
Clarity/Description – 3 / 2
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.5
Notes -> I’m so used to only seeing present tense when it’s people who are otherwise writing in past tense and being unable to get a handle on their tenses. The fact that you, for the most part, use it as it is supposed to be used is remarkable, especially since you maintained third person.
Makoto
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 3
Overall Average = 2.6
Notes -> Been a while since DA16. I think you went inactive in that one, or at least, you were pretty quiet. Solid character, but he wound up being overshadowed by other egos.
Kerrigan
Clarity/Description – 3 / 4
Voice – 2 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 3 / 4
Technical – 2 / 4
Overall Average = 3.3
Notes -> I was reminded today that all you jagoffs who attacked Darkshire should have got bounties, but since most of you may get KO’d at some point, I’ll refrain from giving out spare OM to these –monsters. Anyway, this was some great stuff. Your second post was one of the best posts in this round, and I really got a kick out of the grindhouse-style gore of your first post.
Bandit
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3
Notes -> ‘Above average’ essentially sums up your job here. Bandit has a certain aura around her that makes her a fun character, and you accentuate that well when you write her. In a few ways, I might prefer her to Sinestro, since we have a glut of vainglorious pseudo-villains in the Omniverse. In what was a genuine surprise for me, though, Bandit got 100% ‘upstaged’ (for lack of a better word) by the psychopath with the army of bug monsters.
[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-20-2018
Fight #8 Zedd/Violet vs Pennywise/Shantotto
[spoiler]
Fight #8 Zedd/Violet vs Pennywise/Shantotto
Zedd
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 4 / 4
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.3
Notes -> I said this to someone recently, but I think – out of all the people who play villainous or even just ‘dark and edgy’ characters – you might pull it off the best. There’s just this really fine balance you strike where Zedd can be sinister one moment and then a buffoon the next.
Violet
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.8
Notes -> I think you have rust, but there wasn’t enough where you were a liability to your partner. I’ll be curious to see how this team moves forward, as I got a kick out of the dynamic where you’re both insufferable partners to one another. I think some of that drifted to the wayside when the fists and energy beams started flying, though.
Pennywise
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3.5
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.85
Notes -> Having not really followed your work, I was curious what direction you had decided to take the character. Your writing here is solid, even if I think the vanilla theme of the Fight Area was probably a disservice to It. I enjoyed that I had to go and google a word when I read your second post – that doesn’t happen too often for me. Oh, and have you read the book? You made a reference to turtles in your first post.
Shantotto
Clarity/Description – 3 / 4
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.2
Notes -> Apologies to everyone else, but you might be my favorite member of the desert part (not including Il Duce). Maybe I’m impartial to small characters with a lot of fury and firepower. It doesn’t help that I think you did a great job setting the scene, especially in that closing post (people underestimate what an effective Fight closing post can do). I liked the combo-usage, as well. Don’t get away from that, even if this isn’t the result you had hoped for.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-20-2018
Fight #5 Mickey Mouse/Yu Kanda vs Gilgamesh/Desman Black
[spoiler]
Fight #8 Mickey/Yu Kanda vs Gilgamesh/Desman Black
Mickey Mouse
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 5 / 5
Story – 4 / 5
Technical – 4 / 3
Overall Average = 3.9
Notes -> I honestly think Gilgamesh would have had you beat had this fight gone on another round or had a higher word count. Even so, I think you did a brilliant job setting the stages when you were in the driver seat. I know you were technically inactive the last time around, but it was interesting to see the emotional shift in the character since the last time he fought Gilgamesh. You did the job of really selling your mouse’s conflicted emotions and parlaying that into a lot of really emotional bits.
Yu Kanda
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2.5 / 2
Overall Average = 2.65
Notes -> I think you played Kanda well in the sense that he wasn’t necessarily chomping at the bit to beat the shit out of his king, but he also wasn’t going to just lie down. I think Gilgamesh may have made the job easier, especially once he turned into the giant monster. Your first post showed a lot of traces of you working to master more English language mechanics. Keep at it.
Gilgamesh
Clarity/Description – 4 / 3
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 5 / 5
Story – 4 / 4
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.8
Notes -> I love the idea of like, twisted demon Gilgamesh. Was this the first time you’ve used this transformation? I really liked the like, frothy rage-monster coated in black corruption. Will this be a plot point moving forward? Take some of the emotional fallout from this fight and use it in your next one. (also, Alex the person speaking, but I really wanted you to win simply by virtue of ragdolling your partner – I laughed so much and then I felt really bad for Desman, ahaha).
Desman Black
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 2 / 2
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 2 / 1
Overall Average = 1.9
Notes -> I know you had to play the role of the spare part in this fight, but I think there was maybe more to work with than you thought. Desman played his minor part well, but that second post especially had some technical gaffes that I think you may have caught with another glance-over. If you want my honest opinion, though? I would have just kicked Gilgamesh in the balls
after ragdolling me. Don’t be too nice, Desman the character. You’ll become a doormat.
Extra Note: "Jesus fucking christ, what is this?" <-- I think it's fairly obvious that this is likely the best fight in this round, hence why the two egos at the center of it received some solid scores. Why this one? Were there other fights written just as well? Yes, there were. None of those fights came anywhere close to the level of emotion captured here by Jacob and Wyatt. Lots of character animosity that boiled over. Both of them know that they have no where to go but down after this, when they have some pedestrian match-up against people they have zero history with. But for just this one fight, you can't convince me there was any other fight that was more entertaining. [/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-21-2018
Fight #7 - Jibril/Harley Quinn vs Cerise/Gildarts
[spoiler]
Fight #7 Jibril/Harley Quinn vs Cerise/Gildarts
Jibril
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2.5
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.15
Notes -> Solid job for coming into this with a relatively fresh character and something I think is normally outside the scope of what you normally write. I think you started “getting the swing of it” by your second post, and I’m curious to see how your next fight goes.
Harley Quinn
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3.5 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.05
Notes -> It usually takes something special to get me to enjoy a first-person narrative. We’ve had plenty in the Omniverse, and the only one who really got my engines revving was Doomguy (Strazio toyed with 1st person a lot and was effective too). That said, Harley was likely my favorite part about the fight, and I think your narrative had to do a lot with that. You also get the award for ‘Roster I enjoy the most to look at.’
Cerise
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3.5
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.85
Notes -> I’m pretty sure that both Cerise and Jibril aren’t intended to be one-off characters. As NPCs, it’s expected that there’ll be some hiccups, because your often just relying on the hand you’re dealt in order to create compelling and engaging fights. I think you won the battle for NPC supremacy, but I think there’s likely more you can get out of the ‘snek’ lady.
Gildarts
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.6
Notes -> Still sound writing. Still well-crafted posts. Gildarts is still a solid bro. Still feels like you’re warming up and/or shaking off rust though.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-23-2018
Fight #2 Sasuke/Serraph vs Ahana/Eternity Larva
[spoiler]
Sasuke
Clarity/Description – 3 / 4
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2.5 / 3
Story – 4 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.1
Notes -> I couldn’t decide which of your posts I wound up liking more. The second one had more meat in it, but the first one felt a little more cohesive. One thing I can point out, is that you replicate the same sentence structure enough that I started catching it. (unrelated to score but do you always asterisk your curse words?)
Serraph
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 3
Overall Average = 2.5
Notes -> I felt like there was a big lost opportunity on the whole Serraph being burnt to a crisp thing. The initial scale of the violence mortified me, but beyond that, it didn’t quite feel like there was anything beyond people talking about how crispy or burnt he was. Seemed weird. Great description on the violence though.
Ahana
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 4
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.8
Notes -> It took me until your second post to really get into your character, but I was hooked by that point. Solid use of first person.
Eternity Larva
Clarity/Description – 2 / 4
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 4
Overall Average = 2.7
Notes -> Wasn’t blown away by the first post. Solid but nothing over-the-top. Your second post was likely one of the best posts in this fight. I usually cringe when I see people using excessive formatting, but I think – in this context – it worked for you. Weird, comic-book-y whambam. I hope to get a better feel for your character in your follow up match.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-24-2018
Fight #11 Dane and Handsome Jack
[spoiler]
Handsome Jack
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.4
Notes – It baffles me so much that, at one point in time, you were super serious Ganondorf. I’m too used to all the humorous characters you’ve had since then (also, as an aside, don’t mutilate your character so much in the future – I know you went HAM for Jason).
Dane Regan
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 2.6
Notes – No selfie sticks. 0/0 [but in all seriousness, there wasn’t much here for either of y’all. Decent performances. Get geared up for the next throw down.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-25-2018
Fight #6 Erik/Deadpool vs Dave/Kenpachi
[spoiler]
Erik
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.5
Notes -> Lots of growth from when I remember you getting slaughtered by marines or from when you first started out (https://omniverse-rpg.com/showthread.php?tid=3371)
Deadpool
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 3
Overall Average = 3
Notes -> First post was rushed, but I think you’re aware of that. For what it’s worth, the second was what I’d come to expect from you. Don’t rush your posts next round.
Dave
Clarity/Description – 2 / 2
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 3
Overall Average = 2.7
Notes -> This might be one of the few occasions where I’ve read your writing, especially for Dave. It doesn’t disappoint, and I find it amusing that you write a DJ character in a relatively non-absurdist manner.
Kenpachi
Clarity/Description – 3 / 4
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.2
Notes -> Believe it or not, there was a time when Mark “The Terminator” Kenpachi was a human (http://www.cytokineindustries.com/index.php?thread/5236-android-seventeen-vs-android-sixteen/). You might be the only returning person who didn’t seem to have any rust at all, and you did it with a relatively new character. Solid.
Notes @ everyone – Leave the fourth wall alone. It cries. Way too much. [/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 06-25-2018
Fight #3 Link/Clownpiece vs Skeletor/Kuzuru
[spoiler]
Link
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.7
Notes -> I enjoy that you’re a silent protagonist – I was waiting to see if you’d break that some point. Hell, I don’t even think the boy had thoughts. That’s commitment.
Clownpiece
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 3 / 2
Overall Average = 2.7
Notes -> I like your character design, and you did a good job of using that to accentuate the scenes. It goes without saying that your next fight is one that I look forward to, given the participants.
Skeletor
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 2
Technical – 3 / 2
Overall Average = 2.8
Notes -> Myah!
Kuzuru
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 2 / 3
Overall Average = 2.9
Notes -> Why do all your characters have to like, self-harm themselves? Is this a plea for help?[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-09-2018
Fight #12 – Kerrigan/Bandit vs Sasuke/Serraph
[spoiler]
Kerrigan
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 2
Overall Average = 3
Notes -> I felt like you rushed your last post or at least didn’t give it an additional editing once over (that missing first letter probably a copy-paste gaffe?) As always, your use of your zerg creatures is on-point, but I’ll be damned if there weren’t points earlier in this fight where I wanted ‘Serraph, King of Blades’ – his zerg-use was fantastic in the ‘pre-series of massive cave-ups’ phase of the fight.
Bandit
Clarity/Description – 4 / 4
Voice – 4 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 3 / 4
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.6
Notes -> Some very drastic tonal shifts throughout the round for Bandit showcased in yours and others posts with her, lol. Your last post was just remarkably well-choreographed. The little things and movements and uses of weapons/Moves and whatnot.
Serraph
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 4
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.9
Notes -> A marked improvement from the last fight. I have a soft spot for Mimic people (I’m Shang Tsung, after all), and I think that, combined with Serraph’s overall identity (the whole scholar/Nippur faithful) makes him a character I really am starting to enjoy. I’ll be damned if New Babylon doesn’t feel like a well-balanced JPRG squad at this point.
Sasuke
Clarity/Description – 4 / 4
Voice – 4 / 4
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 4 / 4
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.6
Notes -> I could literally sit and read you describing scenery for an entire morning and not get bored of it. Honestly, lol. The part with the demon took me a moment or two to grasp but that was a well-done post.
Overall notes – I don’t mean to dig up old bones of contention, but after re-reading that opening post, I’m not sure I still understand the initial furor. There was an edit that perhaps fixed some stuff, I can’t see prior versions so I can’t be certain. Perhaps it was just the writing itself (a character getting choked out and sassed). The wording of stuff like ‘barely scratched’ and ‘untouched’ didn’t leave me thinking there was much advantage to be had. I’m okay talking more, if this is something that still sits uneasy with people.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-09-2018
Fight #13 Skeletor/Kuzuru vs Amber/Broly
[spoiler]
Skeletor
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.8
Notes -> As always, this stuff is solid and your character easily stood out among the rabble. The part at the beginning with He-Man had me chuckling.
Kuzuru
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.7
Notes -> I feel like I need to go back and read more Kuzuru. I wasn’t aware that he was such a sarcastic asshole, I always thought he was more of a generic asshole villain-type.
Amber
Clarity/Description – 2 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.6
Notes -> Not a bad performance, despite the variables thrown at you. I’d try and experiment more with paragraph structure. Some blockiness going on.
Broly
Withdrew
Overall – I had a laugh when all the horses had names. That was cute. The “entire fight stuck to a horse [most of the time?]” trope played out just as awkwardly and amusingly as I had hoped.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-09-2018
Fight D Jibril/Harley Quinn vs Victor/Retane
[spoiler]
Jibril
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 2 / 3
Characterization – 2 / 2
Story – 2 / 2
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.3
Notes -> Solid steps up. I hope that Jibril isn’t doomed to the bin of one-offs, because I do really like how different this is from the other characters I’ve seen you write/portray on the Omniverse.
Harley Quinn
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 4 / 4
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 3 / 3
Overall Average = 3.2
Notes -> Yea, I can safely say that your first post made Victor into the creepiest dude in the Omniverse, and you do a good job building a nice team dynamic between the two of you – “my angel sent from heaven”, little stuff like that which helped to sell the duo.
Victor
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 3 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.8
Notes -> More or less the same from the first round. The spacing thing bothers me on a personal level =p
Retane
Clarity/Description – 3 / 3
Voice – 3 / 3
Characterization – 3 / 3
Story – 2.5 / 3
Technical – 2 / 2
Overall Average = 2.75
Notes -> “that feeling when you expect grimdark Retane and you get zany, Pokemon trainer Retane” … it worked, although some of your humor doesn’t quite hit the mark.[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-10-2018
Fight C Link/Clownpiece vs Pennywise/Shantotto
[spoiler]
![[Image: 20180710_094032.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/10/20180710_094032.jpg)
...I chopped off the labels, it would seem, but it's the same order as I have it typed in the previous cards.
Pennywise -- Your first post was pretty stellar. You handled a lot of moving parts in a manner that wasn't convoluted.
Link -- A solid job here and a step up from the previous round. Unofficial bonus points for including that cute easter egg.
Shantotto -- Not sure if this was the best setting but you worked hard to make it work for your girl.
Clownpiece -- Nice ending post, at least from a narrative structure.
Overall -- If I have to read about ash or soot or cinders or sulfurous stentches in the next few months, it will be too soon.
[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-11-2018
Fight B Ok Dongja/Marisa vs Ahana/Larva
[spoiler]
![[Image: 20180711_085754.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/11/20180711_085754.jpg)
Ahana and Larva -- No real complaints. Both around-ish the same spot as last time. I felt like Larva had a nice spotlight this time.
Ok Dongja -- A very strange writing convention. Technically, quite sound, but it was a bit strange nevertheless. Nice way to really take the gimmick and run with it, though.
Marisa -- A step up. Still some minor stuff you should focus on, and if you really wanna dig your hands into improvement, I'd check out stuff like comma rules/sentence structure. Help take your writing to the next level.
[/spoiler]
RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-11-2018
Fight 16 Whirda/Yuuka vs Cell/Ricter
[spoiler]
![[Image: 20180711_100500.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/11/20180711_100500.jpg)
Whirda and Yuuka -- Both doing solid, and it's clear that you both found a seriously absurd gimmick and made it work. It also helps that you're both solid writers and could probably make Plastic Bags look hip and cool. Kudos, lol.
Cell - Again, I'm pretty sure your first post was, without a doubt, one of the best things I've read thus far in this round. Just such a well-written blend of zany and serious that fits in so well in this absurd, multiverse-world. I have a soft spot for characters that engage with the lunacy that is the Omniverse (literally that's like 40% of Android 17).
Ricter - Some steps up here, honestly. You still have some stuff that stuck out, but very little of it was jarring to the point of incomprehension. (as an aside, though, I think the word you were looking for was 'stoat' (a weasel relative) rather than 'stout' (a delicious and savory beer type that all people should love)
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RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-11-2018
Fight A Taloc/Makoto vs Ash/Jak
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![[Image: 20180711_174521.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/11/20180711_174521.jpg)
Ash -- Already shared this sentiment with you but for posterity sake: "the transition from 'food fight with angry words' to 'i'mma fucking impale you with a chainsword and spray your blood everywhere, bukake-style' was amusing on various levels". Solid work. Not quite sure where that opening memory bit slides in, but if I have time, I'll fish back and see if I can figure it out.
Jak -- Solid use of the alter ego. Glad you went with the other one, but now I'm left to wonder what you'll do in the next round?
Taloc -- I'd consider sticking to one tense, because by the end of your second post, I couldn't tell if the shifting was deliberate or otherwise. Other than that, I enjoyed the look at a more unstable Taloc.
Makoto -- If it's any consolation, your second post had me going back into your history.
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RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-12-2018
Fight 15 Cerise/Gildarts vs Zedd/Violet
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![[Image: 20180712_091655.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/12/20180712_091655.jpg)
Zevi -- Nice job managing to create a unique fusion character but also clearly have elements of both your characters flared up as needed. Solid, particularly Zedd.
Ceridarts -- Solid work. That second Gildarts post was some very cool stuff. One thing that stuck out was that I wasn't 100% certain what the fusion look liked. Solid internal stuff though.
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RE: Score Cards - Karl Jak - 07-13-2018
Fight E Erik/DP vs Gilgamesh/Desman
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![[Image: 20180713_093223.jpg]](http://www.cytokineindustries.com/chevereto/images/2018/07/13/20180713_093223.jpg)
Erik - Nice job with the child stuff and playing off of having to fight your IC ruler. Solid stuff.
DP - Much more in track with that I'd expect of you, for sure. A reeled-in, on-the-mark degree of zanniness complemented with regen powers
Desman - Solid advances from last round. The easy errors vanished, and you made some solid strides with Desman.
Gilgamesh - Again, what I would expect from the Golden King sans his Super Man (or... would Gilgamesh be Super Man in his head and Mickey is Lex Luthor?)
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