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Colosseum Results - Proto Man - 10-13-2015
Judges will post up their score card in this thread. Discussion can be held in the main Tournament Discussion thread.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-13-2015
Round 1, Group B - Adam Gaite vs Ballad
Adam
Description & Clarity: 2
You described things well enough, but there were a few areas in the writing where I was either confused or I was wanting to hear more about what was going on.
Quote:He slowly floated out from behind cover, keeping his aim steady, and hovered forward, several inches above the ground. He was moving along at a fairly rapid pace, hoping to get an edge in his mostly soundless form of movement and get in closer to ensure his aim wouldn't fuck up from distance again.This was a pretty major part of your character’s strategy, and I found that I had to read it a few times to realize he was ACTUALLY FLOATING. It reads really clearly when isolated like this, but if you’re in the middle of a fight where there are a lot of movements and descriptive text describing that movement, it’s easy to assume that “floated” is a way of gently moving or something else.
It’s certainly not a major sin, and certainly my reading comprehension could have been better, but it points out one major thing that was missing throughout the majority of your writing: Supporting details. By providing us with other, smaller details about what is happening, you can allow the reader to INFER what is happening. For example, you could have written about how he soundlessly drifted from cover to cover while Ballad was looking at his prior position. Another example is when Adam jumped in the air and came down with the laser sword, you could have added more details about the movement, like what his clothes were doing in the movement, the sound of the blade as it moved for the strike, the eyes of the audience moving up to follow his massive leap.
Supporting details are a tough one in a limited writing format, because you have to strike the balance of JUST ENOUGH while staying below your word count. It’s not easy by any stretch of the imagination, but I have faith that you can tag them in there.
Additionally, I would have liked to see more description of exactly how you were moving through things, and what kinds of cover you were using. I just had a vague idea that both Ballad and Adam were standing behind OBJECTS, but there wasn’t a really coherent description of exactly how things were oriented or what they were using.
You didn’t overuse words, which was really nice to see. Good work on that. It’s important.
Voice: 4
This is where you really shined as a writer. You spoke to the audience in a clear, authentic and personal Voice, which informed us about the character and the situation he found himself in. The choice of where to break paragraphs, and the emphasis you placed on certain aspects of description or exposition was really well done. I felt like I got to know the character not just through his actions, but how you wrote, which is just fantastic.
Character: 3
Adam was a pretty interesting character. His dialogue, his mannerisms. There’s a lot of weakness and a lot of strength in there. You have an inherent conflict within the character himself and I really like the way you used him. In a limited form, it’s difficult to really do much “progression,” and it might not be the place for it in EVERY SINGLE FIGHT. Overall, I enjoyed him, more than I would an average character, but you weren’t really afforded the space or time to blow me out of the water.
Story: 2
It was a fight. There was back and forth, there were missed shots and hit shots. People moved from cover to cover. There was a final charge, and then a melee confrontation. It’s not bad, it’s not schlocky, it’s just a fight. Nothing WRONG with that, nothing jaw-dropping though.
I liked that you added in that he was starting to get his powers back in your last post, and I liked the delivery method of him preemptively feeling the pain.
One other thing I did really like is that you added the appropriate tension to each moment, though. You made it feel IMPORTANT when people were shooting at each other. I wasn’t on the edge of my seat, but every shot felt like it had a direct result. It wasn’t laser tag out there.
Grammar: 4
Ellipses are hard for me to bring down on somebody, because they’re kind of a debatable use of grammar, but as a whole, there are other tools to do almost every job that an ellipses does. Especially in the case of brief pauses in a sentence, you can use commas or periods, or you can even do this kinda thing:
“Why,” the knight breathed heavily as he strained against the dragon’s claws, “do you,” the claw sunk a little deeper, “exist?!”
Or whatever. Heavily used ellipses are just of kind of… amateurish? To me? It sounds more harsh than I want it to. If you like using ellipses like that, feel free, keep on trucking, that’s just my opinion on em.
Hyphening things that are one adjective is something we should do. It’s nit-picky, but GRAMMAR IS THAT WAY Like, if you have an adjective that’s all one object, like:
Arctic-Survival-Lumberjack-McWestern man
or
An inky-black burrito was sat on my plate.
You see how those things are technically one descriptive text describing the subject? If they are SEPARATE adjectives, you add a comma, like this:
An inky, black, burrito was sat on my plate.
One has ink in and is a dark color, one is a dark color. Same goes for the opposite, like when you have one descriptor for a multi-word subject. Like:
The yellow bird-man leapt high.
or
The fecund man-baby sprawled.
Get it? It’s a small thing. It’s probably up for debate, but this kind of stuff is touchy.
Total: 15
Good work! Grammar is kind of a lame thing to get a 4 in, I know, but you also got one in Voice. Feel real good about it.
Ballad
Description & Clarity: 1
Yeah, you have a lot of room to grow, but you have a really SOLID foundation beneath you. I can tell that you understand what makes description and setting the scene interesting, but we’re just not there yet. I really want to emphasize that I think you’ve got a really good potential, but you still have some leg work you need to put forward in order to get where you want to be.
One place to look at improving is WORD REPETITION. You frequently re-use the same words in the same paragraph, and even the same sentence. There are Ton of really good online thesauruses, and I really support their use. If you find that you’ve used a word twice in the same POST, see if there’s an alternative. If there is, use the one that best suits the scene. If there isn’t, there might be a way to write around it! Try and spice up your language and it’ll take you a long way.
I didn’t frequently get confused about what you were trying to describe, but there were a few times. Make sure you read through your stuff a few times and make sure it’s clear in your mind what is happening. Try to write in a way that it is apparent what’s going on and in what order.
I feel like a lot of your writing is cluttered with exposisition. You are outright telling us exactly what a character is thinking and feeling or what the situation means. Instead, describe the situation and the reader can infer the feelings or emotions that you are trying to put on display. I call it “Show, Don’t Tell.” For example:
Quote:Adam was just a little too fast, and with his powers returning, he could more easily predict Ballad before he acts. Doesn't really help when he was blocking two-thirds of his attacks, which was just downright annoying.
You don’t have to tell us that it’s annoying Ballad if you SHOW us. Show Ballad’s expression, show us how he’s swinging harder, but not cleaner. Describe to us a situation, and we can figure out what that means for the character or the situation.
“The rock clung to the precipice of the cliff, small stones beginning to tumble down the edge and into the valley below. The rock drunkenly wobbled as the wind blew, rocking back and forth precariously.”
Can you guess what’s about to happen in that scene? I don’t have to TELL you that the rock is about to fall because I SHOWED you. Make sense?
“Ballad reeled back, hammering his heavy pickaxe into Adam’s saber, sparks flying from the force of the blow. The leafy-green monster snarled, spittle frothing from the corners of his mouth as he recoiled and flung his weapon forward with another haymaker, again easily parried by the prescient boy. Ballad’s movements became faster and more furious with each missed blow, his yellow eyes widening as his features sunk into a grimace.”
We can tell that Ballad is frustrated because of his actions in that quote, you wouldn’t need to say, “Ballad was pissed,” because we can TELL from how he’s ACTING.
If you’d like, I’d be happy to give you a more complete C&C after the tournament is over.
Voice: 3
I think you had a good Voice in this! You definitely have your own style of writing and describing things, and you’re working towards a really cool method of writing. I really dig it, if we’re honest. The way that Ballad’s thoughts and things bleed into the narrative are evident, and you use more harsh words when you’re speaking as Ballad than when you did as Adam.
When you get more comfortable with description and word choice, I can see this being one of your strong points. Keep your personality and the personality of your character in the heart of your post, and you’ll keep doing well in this.
Character: 2
You had some good dialogue in this, showing off how Ballad thinks and feels as a character, but I would have liked to see more. You got kinda caught up in the narrative as a storyteller, and that prevented us from seeing how Ballad, and not YOU, was pushing the story forward.
When you’re describing what your character is thinking, and especially how he is feeling, SHOW us, don’t tell us. How does ballad move, and how does that inform us about who he is as a person? How does he inflect his voice, so that when I read his dialogue, I can hear him speaking?
Ballad is an interesting character, and we all know that the fights are a confined space, but when you CAN, make sure that you showcase how interesting the cabbage man really is.
Story: 2
Same as I said with Adam, it was good, there was good back and forth, by my mind wasn’t like TOTALLY BLOWN by the fight. It was moving and shooting, and then a melee portion with a bit of powers mixed in. You did well considering that you’re just like, a guy with a gun, but using your situation, your character and the setting can always land you a beautiful story, even in a fight. Look for opportunities to create conflict BEYOND just the fight. Look for emotional connections, look for threats that are generated in novel and interesting ways. Write around your disadvantages and turn your character’s weaknesses into a writing strength.
I liked that you lopped back around to the crossbow, but I also got really confused with how you were switching back and forth between perspectives. Making clean breaks between perspective is super important in these kinds of things, because otherwise intention and action can get really confusing to read.
Grammar: 1
You have a lot of good foundation for sentence structure, and you are one of the few “new” writers on the site that knows how to structure a paragraph. Keep up the good work, and always keep in mind just how important the flow of a sentence is for your reader.
There were a lot of mistakes though. Most of them were due to a lack of proofreading, like accidentally swapping past for present tense or not capitalizing at the beginning of a sentence. It’s stuff you KNOW, but things you didn’t proofread enough to catch. If you don’t proofread you’re not gonna catch that stuff and it’s gonna jack your score up.
You had some run-on sentences here and there, and a few paragraphs that could have been merged with others to prevent them from being too short, but I would mainly lay the focus on keeping your proofreading and come back to formatting.
Total: 9
Don’t take this loss too hard. You’re a newer writer on the site, and you have shown AMAZING potential in your fight here. Keep working at improving your craft, and you’ll be writing with the best of ‘em soon enough. Seek feedback whenever and wherever you can. I was really glad I got to read your stuff, man.
WINNER: ADAM GAITE
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-16-2015
Colosseum - Round 1, Group B - Tartaros vs Rin
Rin
Description and Clarity: 2
You kept me on point for the most part with your writing, but there were definitely areas where I needed to re-read to properly focus the image in my head.
Quote: Just to get back at the man for cutting his knee, Rin sheathed his blade, causing the flames that engulfed it and his body to die down. Running out from behind cover, the exorcist began dashing back and forth as fast as he could. This seemed to confuse his opponent, as he only saw the boy vanishing and reappearing a few feet from where he once was.
This is an example of an action segment that could use some tuning. You mentioned barricades in other place and such defenes in the arena, but I didn’t get a sense of the scale of the battlefield you were in beyond your mention of the crowd. I was able to fathom the fight area when you were close to Tartaros, but everytime you tactically retreated to regain Rin’s focus I didn’t get a feel for the arena size or where he was going.
Voice: 4
This is where you really came across to me in your writing. You gave me insight into Rin was thinking and how he handled combat. (Tying a piece of cloth around his leg injury). Your use of colored text to insert his voice into your style of formatting made it easy for me to establish when he was speaking without having to squint.
Character: 4
You excelled in this area as well. Your writing really conveyed Rin’s convictions through his combat. Without knowing anything about your character going into reading your fight (My fault <3) I left knowing that he was a half demon, wielded a named sword, considers himself a son of satan, and gets passionate about his fights.
Story: 3
While you did a good job showing me the fight between you and Tartaros I was left wanting in the end still. Attacking with the same jump slash and flame attack to burn Tartaros was repetitive, but that could just be Rin’s style. Impaling him was a nice touch though. In the end the fight was too short to get to know your character well enough beyond a simple gladitorial fight.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
You had some tough times here as well. Nothing too serious, but I did notice many plural words that were missing letters or missing a word in a sentence. Nothing an extra proof read or two couldn’t solve. My advice to you? Either wait a day and re-read it or step away for a few minutes, grab a drink and then read the post again.
TOTAL: 16
Tartaros
Description and Clarity: 4
Your description of the arena, Tartaros, and his movement throughout the fight was very nice. From the mud he was trudging through to the ash on his armor there isn’t much I could recommend for improvement.
Voice: 4
I was easily able to establish who Tartaros was through your writing. Your grizzled war veteran persona was a nice touch. I got a sense of what made him so grumpy through your writing which is fantastic.
Character: 3
While I was able to pick up Tartaros as a character I didn’t find him having a reason for fighting beyond needing to know the name of his quarry. That was a good touch, but was the only thing that really brought who the character was to the fight beyond his weapons and persona. I wanted to get inside his mind more, but this might just be because of the limited space in which I’m reading.
Story: 4
Your ability to weave everything together was great. Between the description of the shotgun hitting Rin or his disgust at the weapon racks near the entrance it was a good read. Every time you describe an action or took damage it was fluid and intricately written so I knew where he would have been hit had I been sitting in the stands myself .
Grammar and Spelling: 4
There isn’t much to improve here. I couldn’t find anything to fix beyond a couple possible comma placements or incorrect words. You did a good job of proof reading and making sure everything was formatted properly.
TOTAL: 19
WINNER: TARTAROS
@Rin & Tartaros: Both of you did a great job. I really enjoyed your fight. Fantastic work! :awesome:
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-17-2015
Note from judge: Before I begin, I was super glad that Black Star posted a final one, sorry if it caused you any strife, but it just means I don’t have to apply the (hefty) penalty, which means I can just do my thing! (Also, I was impressed with the quality and delivery of the final post, which helped change one or two scores I wasn't sure about, into stronger, more confident improved scores.)
I also felt like you both had a pretty good understanding of one another’s character, which enhanced the flow both ways.
Magus’s notes: You had an excellent introduction post, which painted the scene well in your own voice, for what was soon to come, you also didn’t “wait” for the action to come to you.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:“Impressive,” the spellcaster remarked. His scarlet eyes hid the surprise that ebbed under the surface. “But I hope you realize how outclassed you are. I’ve barely begun to test my abilities, and you seem utterly on edge.”Throughout the fight you remained clear, however I felt like in a few areas, you could have offered a bit more explanation DUDE BUT THAT KILLER WORD LIMIT!!! I get, I get, but in the above conversation it is inferred who is speaking. Another example of this is some of the shapes you used. You described gloom, but I felt like the effects were a little vague. You left it up to the reader, to interpret some of the tones used above, and I can appreciate that, but I think you may have had to cut out to fit your word count, so I understand your sacrifice too. You didn't overwhelm the reader, which is why I found it very easy to give you a good grade in this section.
“Oh, right. That’s why you couldn’t stand after we scuffled for like three seconds.”
“Be silent, you cur.”
“Come here and say that, wimp!”
“Very well.”
To continue, one of the requirements for his section is word choice. I mention it a little later, but I think you selected your adjectives carefully, and paid attention to the details you found important enough that it might help make the scene more captivating to the reader, while siphoning out the ‘fluff.’
I read your fight a few times, and to be honest, this is one of my favorite lines. (don’t judge me).
Quote:“Magus capitalized on this, hurling bolts of Gloom after his quarry.”
Probably just because of the simplicity, but I remember reading it before I realized I was judging this, and being like, “Oh, that’s actually an awesome way to put that.” Short, quick to the point, wasn’t vague, and didn’t leave any mystery for the reader to “figure it out.”
Lastly, in this section, it mentions Magus’s interpretation and how it was implemented in some of the adjectives or feelings derived from the setting. This was done well, but I think there could have been a tad more effort. In comparison, I don’t mean to call your opponent a ‘setting’ however at the beginning, he was part of it, and I think you make up for anything that might have been vague or lost, in your open-description and judgement of BlackStar (and even how Magus acted on that, in conversation). This section got a three because I see a bit more potential that can be tapped, but it doesn’t mean you did a bad job, quite the opposite, keep up the good quality consistently, and I think you’ll be marked higher next round for this.
Voice: 4
You spoke well. Magus and how he interprets the events seem to be one of the same. Your portrayal of action was concise and clear. You have a good vocabulary, and frequently either personify, relate emotion into an action, or simply deviate from any patterns that might make writing or style repetitive. It was rich, genuine, and had a nice ring to it -without overwhelming the reader with pros. Amidst the very nice post, this sentence was framed almost as the focal point. With reason.
Quote:The tide of the crowd turned again as the Gloom leapt from his hand with a sizzling crack, sailing across the void between the combatants. The cheering thundered in a sharp crescendo as the bolt crashed into the hapless Black Star, engulfing him in the blighting explosion.
You have a good idea of your character, your limits, and emphasize your strengths easily, and you make it seem effortless. thenwhy'dIgeta4insteadofa5!?
Well, there were a few parts that I felt like could have been stronger. There isn't an example of a "best" anything without weakness, nor is anyone's voice perfect, or always appreciated. I don't think your voice or style has any flaws per se, and I personally thoroughly enjoy your style and I think you realize that, but I did feel like there was a final quality it was lacking in this scenario. Everything Magus said and did had a point, and everything your writing included had a purpose and was relevant (which is just a super bonus) however on the other hand, it almost seemed too flawless. Magus isn't a robot, he displayed emotion, but I think if I had to suggest anything, it would be incentive or consequence of Magus's decisions. Most of Magus's actions had a reason behind them, that I felt you left up for the reader to decide their importance, but I felt a little bit of elaboration could have been enough to sway me in favor of a five.
(Disclaimer: I think this category prioritizes the opinion of the judges moreso than the rest, so I wanted to say that I did enjoy the voice that Magus used, and I don't think you should change your portrayal of him, just a few small tweaks and I would have happily given you a perfect score.)
Character: 4
Quote:Magus’ wrath spread across his bloody countenance like a cataclysm, screwing his face up into a venomous snarl. He’d fallen right next to his opponent who had done the same.
Honestly, this is my favorite category. Tournaments can be set up to make individual characters shine! I love it, and I love reading about your characters.
To start out with this category, I wanted to note that I think you kept Magus’s personality very consistent. whatbutsamiwasreallygoodwithmagushechangedhe’srounderthanabouncyball Yes, I know! Let me continue, Magus didn’t go punch Blackstar in the face, have a little rivaly banter with him, and then go an pet a kitten and talk about sunsets. He stayed In character, which I find relevant for this category in particular.
Honestly, I like Magus’s character and the way the writer portrays him. He has a good sense of what he wants from the character, and I think it reflects through his writing that magus has a good sense of self. Wait, what?
I wasn’t going to reference this line, but I was staring at it with the window open, and it is relevant to what I would like to convey.
Quote:”“I’m no assassin, boy, no killer for hire, exchanging blood for gold. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes and the impact of my actions stretches across eons,” his voice, already a low rumble, grew darker, quieter. “How dare you try to compare yourself to me, you petulant whelp?”
Magus has layers, he deviates from the norm, I like his character build, and how even his dialogue reflects his attitude. This kind of depth shouldn’t go unnoticed, and it is what sets him apart from the rest. I gave you a four in this category because of the above listed reasons, but that doesn’t mean I don’t think there are a few things you can do to improve.
I mention it below, but motivation and capturing what would quench my desire to get to know the character could be confronted in a few different ways. I like what you have going for Magus, but I think why I didn’t give you the maximum score in this category, was because I would have liked a little more said on the character. His interaction with Blackstar was nearly flawless (both ways!) but I felt like with a little extra edge, Magus could’ve surpassed my expectations and conquered the thread. Blackstar kept up with Magus, very well, and I liked the balance you had going. This category was very close to a five in my opinion, but it was just short.
(I reflected on this during my re-read, and realized that Magus (and partly Blackstar) both lacked "weakness" -Though i note for the record that BlackStar in some ways emphasized his to create a dynamic with him and Tsubaki- I don't think it was fundamentally the cause of the last point not being achieved.
Story: 2
You started out in this category well. The introduction sort of lead off in kind of a cool way, first in the one posted in the storyteller account. I don’t want to view a cool setting as a ‘nudge’ but I will say I liked and favored it when you mentioned the same. EX: “There had to be some irony in the fact that a former felon and prisoner had been selected to represent the same government that wanted him in chains.”
And you responded with:
Quote:“He was literally the deadliest wizard of all time, and he had been pitted against a petulant child with candy-colored hair and a ridiculous outfit.”
There were a few other instances where I liked when you reinforced some of this, however I would have liked to see a bit more “building” off of it, or inventing new things to enthrall the reader and/or judge.
In your favor however, I wanted to mention that I think hardship and overcoming it are CRUCIAL parts of the story. “The wizard fought against the pain, but the urgent burn of pain radiating through his abdomen betrayed him and he took a knee, one hand on the armour covering his injured flesh... before his opponent could recover.
The Black Star leapt across the final few feet that separated them, and his target vanished. Again.
Magus clenched his eyes shut and half-groaned, half-roared in frustration,[/quote]
During this explanation, I think you emphasized the hardship magus was going through, and the desperation that a person/thing/mage might feel in battle, and it was pretty tangible, and completely compelling.
Your character also had a feud/ rivalry with Blackstar’s (as you are opponents) and that contributed to this category as well, however I personally choose to have that “fall into” character, rather than story, though with Magus’s particulars, (outlaw/fiend/mage) this could be chosen as a characteristic, or a large part of Magus’s personality. I prefer not to say more on this topic, however to improve in the future, as this does seem to be your lowest categorized score, I might suggest seizing a bit more drama during the fight.
A really small/petty example of this might be: say magus’s scythe was thrown off, he must retrieve it. Another example, which I kind of think might be cool, would be to reflect a bit on your motivation for entering the tournament. I wanted to know the stakes. How they effected your character, along with perhaps a “rise to power” in the fight, or drive to succeed.
Before I conclude this specific category, I don’t think you did a bad job, there were just a lot of variables I looked at, and I wanted to separate this one a bit more from Magus’s personality than “voice” or otherwise.
Grammar and Spelling: 4
Your spelling was on-point, and while the flow of your sentences went well with your grammar, there were little to no areas that I could have seen improvement.
Quote:The wizard fought against the pain, but the urgent burn of pain radiatingYou used “pain” twice, which altered the flow of the sentence a bit, but if I’m being honest, using the same word twice doesn’t really bother me (nor do I think its technically a grammatical error, but I prefer to place the suggestion here.)
In another example, I wanted to tell you a few examples of good quality in this category. Here’s two that I appreciated for being correct:
Quote:“The boy Magus would later learn was called “Black Star” – or something to that effect – landed,
I cited the above, because there were a few variations that Magus could have used when narrating this. He informed the reader, in his own style, and it was done well.
The below is another brief example (out of plenty) of commas:
Quote:The boy was a fool, and Magus spared no quarter for fools.”
or
Quote: The Black Star leapt across the final few feet that separated them, and his target vanished. Again.I felt like the comma usage throughout the round was very well used. You paused whenever you wanted the reader to hold or reflect on. It also just enhanced your voice and narration when writing. Skillful use.
You use great sentence structure, and make everything very clear throughout the entire fight. This consistency gave you an edge in this category, you may have been given a 3 without the attention and effort you put into the consistency, however I felt that during the reading, and then after, that because I didn’t get confused or deliberately find a point of reference for improvement, this category deserved an above average grade.
Total score: 17
Black Star’s notes: Your first post was very clear, and I felt like you immediately picked up on Magus’s pace when you were replying. The structure you used to portray your action was very concise, and clear to the audience. I felt the attention you put in to demonstrating what BlackStar was doing was well thought out, and I wanted to recognize the effort I felt you put into that before I started judging.
"Description and Clarity: 2
This category is probably what hit you the hardest. While at some points you were very fluid in your character's movement, motion, and action, at other points (the example, during reflection, referenced below) I felt a little confused.
Quote:”Tsubaki, noticed any lacking angle we can get him from? Getting up close is fine and all, but there’s only so many of those bolts I can take.[/] Black☆Star admitted reluctantly. The woman inside the weapon hummed quietly for a moment, analysing their opponent, We could try Dummy☆Star? she asked calmly. “
For someone who didn't know much about soul eater, they might get a bit confused as to who Tsubaki was, but there is a word limit, and you can't be expected to explain what is written in your roster, which is that Black Star is from a world where meister's and weapons coexist to capture souls (and kick ass.)
But, this wasn't the only occurrence of strained clarity, which happens a small amount in the first post, where the flow of the fight was a bit muddled, and I felt the need to go back and 'check' what had happened.
While there were a only one or two occurrences, of confusion or delayed coherency, it is a big part of fights, and I think one of the more important things to emphasize during battle.
BUT WAIT! Before you go back to see what I mean, I wanted to say that you did do a good job with this in other ways. I felt you were very clear when your word choice and action had a direct association, and it had a positive effect on me. "He waited, with bated breath, for the mage to reappear." (shorter example)
As well as parts that really prioritized action.
Quote: "The force of the strike sent Magus staggering backwards, giving Black☆Star yet another opportunity. He ground to a halt behind the mage, forcing himself to a halt by digging his fingers and feet into the soaked dust before springing forwards, elbow bent and driven into Magus’ spine, causing the Mage to let out a guttural growl as his fall came to a halt. Black☆Star’s assault, "
The above was done really well, but I think with only a little more attention given to those parts or elaborating on BlackStar's intent, there could have been a few contingencies that were given a little more clarity. You had a good 'forwardness' with your narration, but I counted that more as your writing voice rather than this category, which is what hurt what may have been a three, into a two.
Voice:3
You don’t get super elaborate, you stay honest to your character and to the reader. You and Magus both have a good flow, you bounced back and forth because your characters even had a bit of a foil. I liked the banter, I loved the impact it had on the reader. Here are a few examples of just dialogue alone that I felt like helped to emphasize what you (the writer) wanted to speak to the reader:
Quote: "Not worth the effort, huh? Are you scared now? I understand if you are.. I saw myself in a mirror once, I was scared by how big the reflection was." The boy let out a short burst of confident laughter"
Quote:Only, Black☆Star grunted, room, wheezed, for one assassin in this arena. and finally growled towards his opponent."
And lastly, perhaps the most impacting,
Quote:"Tsu, we need to get one more hit in, the pair communicated through their mock telepathy once again, you can do that right?"
The above really added some intrigue to Blackstar's motivation, it's importance (even framed at the end) prioritized its relevance, and made me want to ask, "what is he fighting for?" as well as notice, "he is willing to push it to the limit to achieve his goal," which speaks to character strength. I really like your voice when using Blackstar, and I think it's perfect the way it is. There aren't a lot of ways you can improve blackstar without holding back or compromising his very identifiable character, so I just wanted to say that if you keep targeting diction, you will really surpass even your own limits in this category.
Character: 4
A FOUR?! That’s pretty damn good!
Blackstar has a lot of great qualities as a character. I’ve seen soul eater myself, but I tried to tune out my own personal knowledge so I knew what to look for, but didn’t try to persuade myself that you were very straightforward with his personality traits.
He’s hyper, very motivated, and I really appreciate what he brings to the table, as well as how he confronts his enemies. His action is engaging, and the way your writing keys in on making his character more dynamic is very complimentary. Example: One moment, he’ll be in a fighting magus, and seem a bit wrapped up in analyzing and predicting Magus’s next move. And in the next, he kind of emphasizes his human side by talking to Tsubaki. I quoted it above in the last topic, but I think that a character that continues to intrigue, as well as remain constant, has a very good impact on the reader.
I wanted to mention that your last post was actually the one that persuaded me to give you a four in the topic, rather than a three. The reason, as there was a few, was because I felt like everything you had been working for and setting up in your last two posts was completed. Your character, the events, and motivation all seemed to have a good emotional tugging on my heart. Hardship has an effect, as well as portrayal of what it all means. I liked the importance and relevance blackstar brought to numerous aspects that he had been working on in his past posts, and brought it to a certain fullness.
Example one:
Quote:Black☆Star, however, did not take his words as ones of kindness. They were taken as a challenge, and this as not someone who was likely to say no to challenge of any kind.
Example two:
Quote:Tsu, we need to get one more hit in, the pair communicated through their mock telepathy once again, you can do that right? Of course. Everything in one, right? the woman asked calmly. Black☆Star merely chuckled in response as he trudged over the barricade. He sprung into a high somersault, launching the pair of scythes towards his opponent. In the same instant, Magus let the roiling mass of dark energy free. With a sickening crunch, the scythes connected with the mage’s nose and another gruesome sizzling erupted from Black☆Star as the pair once again hit the ground, spent.
This ending, which was very profound, helped me feel very tied into the story, and I felt like I had a good idea how the story was actually well weaved into your character. In the future, be careful these two are not dependent on one another, having a strong character but less of a story can sometimes make the intrigue much less, and vice versa.
Story:3
I liked the way you interacted with Tsubaki, you harnessed the feud/rivalry with Magus in a way that I appreciated and found captivating. Magus and you both played your ‘enemy’ card very well, and I feel like a three matches up to that.
The reason I didn’t score you higher (and magus, for that matter), was for a few different reasons.
I found your character captivating, and was excited to see what you would both do next, however there wasn’t anything dramatic that caught my eye enough to evoke emotion. BUTheywaitaminuteIdidthathere
Quote:”Only, Black☆Star grunted, room, wheezed, for one assassin in this arena. and finally growled towards his opponent.”
I see this, and I felt like the passion that Blackstar had behind this sentence alone was very powerful. It intertwined blackstar’s pride into his motivation, and I personally was stunned. Before I go on to say more, I wanted to say that this was also effectively framed, and I could easily notice the “climactic” hold that you had on me, your audience. You mentioned the stakes, (blackstar’s pride/honor) subtly but I didn’t feel like I had to guess that you were fighting to be the best.
I liked your narrative, as well as you didn’t feel like you had to make it “perfect” to the reader. I’d like to reference again that you mentioned some struggle earlier on, which I felt gave you good material to build off of, and gave your character personal success in this category. (Ie, your referenced your character’s weaknesses and deprivations granted from the omniverse, which seems like it would be obvious, but I think that the way you made it personal gave me incentive enough to realize the reasons that Blackstar’s personal struggle became a part of the story.)
Grammar and Spelling: 3
I’m going to be honest, I did notice a few grammatical errors such as a skipped comma in front of a quote, or an accidental missed “[“ mark. I’m not a huge fan of bolding a character’s text instead of using quotation marks, however personal bias really shouldn’t weigh into this category too much. There were a few errors, so a perfect grade wasn’t given, however I don’t feel in any way that you did poorly. Most of the stuff was noticeable and could have been fixed in a proofread.
Total score: 15
The winner is Magus!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-17-2015
BEFORE YOU READ THE RESULTS! Please know, this is one of my favorite fights that I have read on the entire website, and I think you both did a wonderful, masterful job conveying your characters’ actions and emotions, as well as just simply not forcing words to come. Everything felt natural, and I’d like to nominate you guys for book club or something, if you don’t mind! Also, Ironmaidenreferenceftw
Okor:
"Description and Clarity: 4
Your illustration was wonderful. Here are some specific points that reinforced my decision on a four.
Quote:The shell, dripping with various fluids that have preferably unknown origins, barely missed her pale face, grazing her white cheek.
Then, it exploded.
Radioactive shrapnel dug into the youth's face, and to her credit, she did not scream. Reacting with discipline and intelligence, she chose to fall back and regroup, sprinting behind a piece of masonry provided by the coliseum before the empty bolt casing even fell to the ground.
Your actions were very clear and concise, however there were a few displays of some superfluous adjectives, which I personally felt that these complimented what you were trying to portray, and I do think that it is part of your style.
While I didn't find them to "take away" from the story, I think its important to say that a good balance is key to this and it does factor into other categories, because some other judges may find them to be slightly compromising to the overall effect of the post, while others will find them enhancing to the story and fight.
Voice: 4
You really brought your A-game.
Quote:expelling a shell, the noise of its launch almost deafening at this range. Weiss had already seen it. She twisted and turned, silk spiraling around her figure as she dodged it,
Your voice was consistent, not persistent and very clear. I was impressed at your portrayal of action, compilation of thought, and delivery of dialogue. Good work.
Character: 3
I liked what you did with Okor during the battle, and I especially liked the interaction with Weiss, it built a story just in the way they challenged and fought. However, I was, and am, expecting a little more in the future for this topic, because while I felt like I understood his character, I couldn't really explain why (other than space marine epicness) which did make the score a little iffy. Another thing to think about, is mentioning why Okor entered (his motivation, his drive,) I wanted to feel the intensity behind his action, and while there was some there, I felt like there could have been a little more.
Don't get me wrong! There were parts I really favored and enjoyed, like how Okor was challenging Weiss, and asked her her name, but I felt like that aligned a little more to the combined story building than to the character. With some improvement, I felt like you could have played on my intrigue a bit, and thrown me an enticing thought or a teaser about Okor, the interest was more subtle, and while he was still very captivating, it wasn't quite purposeful/complete.
Lastly, what separated Okor from a four was a bit hard for me to conclude, so I decided to take it from the category's specifications.
Quote: who the people they are writing as are as individuals, why they take certain actions, their personal problems and boons, how they interact with the world around themselves and how they approach problems are all considerations for a writer in this section.
Story: 4
This category I felt you did very well in. Okor's actions with Weiss were well calculated and carefully selected. I enjoyed the flow you both had together as writers, and kind of hope for a rematch in the future *wink.*
This one (a four) is marked superb. A few things you did (I will mention) did sway me toward a four on this one,
Quote:The girl's eyes widened in fear, or perhaps in recognition of some previous memory. He rose his victim into the air,
And also the beginning and second post of yours were very compelling, which made me reconsider based on you and Weiss's chemistry both writing style, and the way you both found a way for your characters to align.
Very well done.
Grammar and Spelling: 5
Your grammar was -and is- very good. I want to say that you have to have nearly perfect grammar and phrasing in order to get a full score in this category from me, but I think credit is due in this category, because I didn’t notice a single error, nor could I find anything ANYTHING to complain about. Well okay, one thing. But it’s mostly *personal preference* that speech isn’t embedded into a large paragraph (only because it can get muddled, or confused). However the way you delivered yours (with actual purpose) definitely was done in away that was actually complimentary to the story and writing, as well as delivered the suspense, so it was really nothing to worry about.
You did a superlative job with this category, and a five is a high-honor.
Total Score: 19
Weiss:
"Description and Clarity: 3
Your actions and word choice were very clear and concise. Aside from the spacing, I didn't have any trouble picturing some of your movements, and at other times, your descriptions blew me away!
Quote:Weiss heard, then felt, the explosion. The bullet, fired in a nearly perfect trail to her center mass, burned her ears with overpowering noise
Quote:Suddenly, the searing agony that left Weiss's mind blank in pain finally stopped, the fire snuffing out and leaving only a patch of burnt skin resembling charcoal in it's wake.
She didn't know why, but she moved her legs back underneath her, first shakily, then with firm determination.
The action even in the first post (your response) was very well done, and I liked the visualization, as well as the words you chose to define the imagery with.
Voice: 4
Quote:Numerous shards of bone entwined themselves into her midsection and pulled. Her boots kicked uselessly at the sand beneath her, as the tendril pulled her in like a patient fisherman.
There were really distinguished sentences, like this one, that I felt really gave Weiss life. Her personality was shown rather than said. And I think that both you and Okor's writing voice played off eachother wonderfully, just in the character interaction alone. It was for this reason, and a few other notable strengths, that I gave you a four in this category. Weiss is a very nice read!
Character:4
Quote:If she could at least hold her sword, she could- Weiss’s body slammedWeiss is awesome. Part of the reason I really like her character is probably because there is so much pronounced hope and motivation in her every action. It’s extenuated by her personality, and refined by your voice.
Turmoil again hits, enthralling the reader as well as throbbing our hearts when Weiss comes down sick (because of Okor’s move).
Quote:” I’m so sorry… Ruby.” She croaked out in a warped voice. "I can't... do it."
Lastly, I really felt my feelings on the line. I felt myself wanting Weiss’s character to triumph in this well-displayed part:
Quote: ““I’ll win.
So.
Please.
Be real.”
There was a lot of passion behind this. The emotion was tangible, and well produced. I felt like you really brought Weiss to life in your last post, which is why I gave this category a larger grade, I liked Weiss's overall growth throughout the series of events that marked the battle, and I think her description and how you pursued her personality really emphasized her spirit.
Story: 3
This was a pivotal moment.
Quote:Her opponent’s torso had opened, twisting and changing into something that no longer resembled a human body.
“Was he dying? Had she done it? Was it over?”
The space marines words dashed those hopes in an instant.
Weiss tried to jump, but her legs refused as her muscles finally lost their energy, and she fell to one knee instead.
You both built up to this and the end during the banter that your characters continued during the battle. It was awesome, and I felt like the words spoken matched the characters well. There was intrigue and more subtle details that helped to build the bigger picture. Nicely done.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
You kept it simple, you didn’t overwork a sentence or phrase just to make it showy, and while that might seem like “pros” or as though it would go under the “clarity” category, I think that it cleanly shows in your sentence structure and pronunciation of words in each sentence. I did notice a few very subtle mistakes, that couldn’t be caught on a spellcheck, which was the very infrequent misplaced comma.
Quote: Under ordinary circumstances she might have grunted at the pain of it, but compared to the agony that left her in hurried gasps of pain too weak to be called screams she didn't notice.
Quote:her silver blade reaching Okor's Body in an instant.
Right before “she didn’t notice,” I felt myself place a pause where otherwise, it would have meant something a little different. No one is completely free of human error, but honestly, I didn’t think there were many (if any) errors that would have caused this section to take a harmful hit.
Quote: curved blade. her abdomen
I suggest hitting the preview button before submitting, as the spacing errors were what kind of hurt your score and brought it from a three to a two. The spacing errors, I refer to a few places where paragraphs weren’t fully separated.
Now, I realize two things, first you do write your post up on Microsoft word, or pages application on mac, (and if you don’t you should, because I think I vouch for at least 20 writers on here who have lost an entire post, and felt the eternal stabbing of regret for not saving, or accidentally hitting “paste” instead of copy on an entire, let’s say, 1000 well-worded post, or more.) I also realize that it does translate over to the site from these applications a slightly different.
The second thing I want to point out, was that Okor’s style, which is more condensed paragraphs, specifically contrasts your style. Both formats have pros and cons, spacing things out takes away emphasis on certain actions, and condensing into whole paragraphs can be very “full” to read. But the thing that took the last point away was probably the spacing, which after a few, admittedly, got a bit jarring.
Total Score: 16
The winner is Okor!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-19-2015
Colosseum - Round 1, Group B - Kopaka vs Ururu Kyuuei
Hey folks, just due to the nature of my available time, part of this review will be sort of abbreviated. I got to “most of” Ururu’s side of the fight before I was consumed whole by “adulthood,” so you’ll notice that part of the review is longer. Sorry about that, Kopaka.
If either of you would like a more in-depth C&C of the fight, I’ll offer you one when the competition is over and I have a bit more time to get it to you.
Kopaka
Description & Clarity: 3
I found that your description was very clear and easy to understand. There was substance in it, and I found it easy to slip into the story as you told it. There were only a rare few moments when I found myself having re-read what was written, and you did a whole lot of SHOWING us the action, with just a few splatterings of exposition so that we could understand the dynamics of his masks and powers.
If I was to point to an area to improve on, it would likely be to remind you to pace your writing. Slow down the slow moments with rich detail, and speed up the fast ones by sheering the fat. Also, I think you’d benefit from a more diligent search for the right word in some cases, as sometimes the verbiage just seemed a little out of place.
Overall, great job.
Voice: 2
You certainly have a way of makignthe more “alien” characters seem both strange and somehow still relatable. The Toa must think so differently than humans do, and at least part of that oddity is distilled into your writing style. It seems, in a way, distant, like a creature observing another with a sort of strange lack of empathy.
I think you can push this a bit harder though, making your word choice and delivery even more ridged, flexible, or whatever it is that you’re aiming for. The presence of your Voice can’t be denied, but it didn’t pop off the page at me either.
Character: 2
Kopaka is a REALLY cool character concept in general. The fact that he’s just an inherently cool idea doesn’t score you a ton of points here, because it’s more about characterization than it is concept, but I just really have to say I love the idea.
I feel like we got SOME of who Kopaka is as a person in this writing, and I liked what I did see. Again, a fight is an inherently difficult place to try and incorporate character, but by making the scene less about punching and more about personality, you can still drive a compelling narrative.
As I said, what there was in terms of character was really enjoyable, there just wasn’t much of it.
Story: 3
The back and forth that you illustrated was really fun and on point. You took hits, and those hits had consequences. You drove the story forward, and never gave up on a chance to drive things onward instead of looking back.
I like the way that you used your opponent’s moves and skillset as a centerpiece to your own action, as it really displayed your ability to make all of the different pieces of the puzzle fit.
I might look for a little more of a personal “journey” for the character, seeing changes in thoughts and attitudes, but overall, really great stuff.
Grammar: 3
You did really well here, and most of my complaints are fine-tuning rather than big obvious things.
Your paragraphs are chunky, and could probably use a bit of trimming down. Really try to distill each paragraph with only one concept, and use the breaks in text to help you dictate your reader’s flow. You occasionally threw in one-line paragraphs here and there, which next to your bigger ones seemed really oddly out of place.
Your first post was mostly devoid of your big paragraphs, but the remaining two saw you fall back into the habit.
Total: 13
Ururu Kyuuei
Description & Clarity: 2
I found myself usually fairly easy to see what Ururu was doing, and the movement you integrated into your posts was fun! Overall, I think you did pretty well making it clear exactly what was happening.
There is a lot of “telling” instead of showing. I would say that the majority of your writing is exposition, which really leaves the reader on sort of dry ride through the scene if there isn’t a strong inner-conflict to really push it along. Choosing when and where to use a lot of exposition can be a really hard choice to make, but I think that erring on the side of SHOWING the audience what is happening as opposed to explaining it outright would do you much better.
Some of the scenes of complex action are also a little muddled for me, like this maneuver:
Quote: With the pivot pulling her backwards so she and the robot were parallel, shoulder to well… arm bolt? Her right limb struck out to increase the spin of her body to a full 180 using its’ greater mass to slow up.
Even breaking her momentum, she was still moving forward, allowing her bend back and see behind herself with her feet and their chakra insuring stability. Now was the time, her left arm shot to grab it’s chin, hooking the bladed fingers as secure as possible. She yanked.
Muscles flexed and strained even as a thin but deep line of crimson formed an arc between the thing’s sword and her chest. Hell. she could even see a bit of breast bone flying through the air. Well that was going to really, really, hurt in a second.
Like ow…
Her calves and probably every other piece of connective tissue tightened in an instant. Ururu worked to use what leverage, strength and kinetic potential that she could muster to pull this thing into the air and reverse the parabola that her body had formed. In one almighty crash the Machine hit the ground and Ururu with it, flying some distance for defensive measures.
I read that through several times, and its still a bit hard for me to visualize what’s going on in that scene.
The same goes for a lot of the flipping back and forth between the “clones,” which is largely an aspect of my limited understanding of how that actually works. It was undoubtedly difficult to show us how that complex system of conscious transference worked in these short posts, but I definitely found myself confused, especially in the last post.
However, the inner life of Ururu is really interesting, so the opportunity you’ve granted us with the exposition to see inside her head gave us a few glimpses into her thoughts and feelings that we might not have otherwise gleaned. I think a mix of your strong internal monologue along with more physical description and practice as slowly and clearly explaining complicated moves will serve you really well.
Voice: 2
You have your own style, and it does come through your writing. I think the major downfall of us hearing your writing voice is that such a large amount of your writing is exposition that it doesn’t quite give us the chance to really get a taste of what words, details and facets of your writing you focus on.
Many writers on the site prefer a strong expositional style, and sometimes that can lead into a strong Voice, but I think you just need a little more time getting comfortable with word choice and getting your style rolling for your Voice to come through stronger.
Character: 2
Ururu is a cool character concept. I feel like a lot of her character was sort of obfuscated by the action of the scene, but there were a few missed opportunities that you could have taken to really show us what she’s all about as a person (or group of people?)
A common theme with a lot of writers is that they sort of assume that the reader knows their character. While you shouldn’t introduce your character every new thread, you should incorporate some of their quirks and strong themes to really let us know who they are as people.
You did show us a lot of her mindset through, which I think could really turn her into a super interesting character to watch. If you SHOWED us more what she was thinking through little movements, her expressions, perhaps some personal tics, then I think her character would have shined through a lot more.
Story: 1
Overall, your use of the character’s abilities made this an interesting read. I like the way you did certain aspects of how she moved, how she was thinking and how she planned her moves.
Unfortunately, you did little to move the story FORWARD, which really cut into your score in this category. Almost the entirety of your first and final posts were recap, explaining things that Kopaka had already described happening. Sometimes getting the unique views of a character can be really, really important, but more often than not recapping a post just stalls forward movement.
One thing you can try to avoid that kind of thing is to include the unique perspectives into the next post, while still moving things forward. Say Kopaka had her hide behind the wall and create a clone. Instead of pulling us BACK to see exactly how that happened, you can reveal it in a unique way, like the other clone sending thoughts back and forth, or even perhaps catching a glimpse of them during the fight. Always look for ways to push the story forward instead of pulling us back.
Other than that area, your story was pretty fun. There was a bit of back and forth, and you weren’t afraid to kill off your clones, which is nice. A bit more CONSEQUENCE of the damage she accrued would have been a good addition also.
Grammar: 3
You did a pretty good job here! Above what a good portion of the site has. If English is not your first language, you should really be applauded for your command of it!
Watch you paragraph length, though. While Kopaka’s paragraphs where huge and blocky, yours were excessively slim. Many of your paragraphs could have been clumped together, and their individual length could have been varied a bit more.
Be wary of the ellipses, and don’t let it become a crutch for your writing. Create dramatic pauses with your writing and other punctuation.
Some of your sentences could be merged, as you tend to favor cutting off a sentence short to hammer the punch-line in the next one. Sometimes that’s ok, but avoid making it EVERY paragraph. In the same vein, be sure to break up the clauses of your sentences with a comma to ensure your reader has the right pauses.
I flipped back and forth between a 2 and a 3 really heavily on this one, so just keep some of the more subtle grammar in mind.
Total: 10
Kopaka is the winner!
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-20-2015
Colosseum - Round 1, Group A - Ruby Rose vs Wakka
Ruby Rose
Description & Clarity: 3
You’ve got a clear, solid style of description that isn’t over muddled with long words or pomp. Your character has a lot of acrobatics and crazy maneuvers, which could easily get confusing fast, but you held it together pretty skillfully. I didn’t find myself re-reading your posts, which is a great sign.
What could have been overly confusing and complicated came out smooth, simple, and dramatic in your very first paragraph:
Quote: With a swift, sharp flick of her wrist, the crimson rectangle smoothly shifted its form; a handle swept out the bottom, a barrel extended out the front, a bolt followed the same mechanism at the side and a scope emerged from the top.
Voice: 2
I could tell it was you writing, and it certain lent itself to your character, but it also didn’t pop out specifically as part of the character or you. It was a good writing style that matched you, and in subtle ways spoke to the reader your character, but if you were writing in the same style as a different character, I’m not sure I would notice a difference.
It can be hard to nail that kind of balance with a character, but focus on word choice and the movement of the words and how they align with your character’s personality, mood, and goals.
Character: 2
Ruby was certainly IN THERE, and you had a few moments of characterization, especially in her fighting style. However, we didn’t really get to know her very well, and I felt myself wanting to know more about her. It can be easy to lose characterization in a combat scenario, but there are plenty of ways you can show us who she is.
What I did see of the character I liked, and I’m sure that if I was more familiar with the source material I could see how she would fit right in. But, in general, assume your audience has no idea who these people are.
Story: 3
Your fighting style was really, really cool. I felt myself joyfully imagining your character flying all around the arena, and that on its own was an entertaining take on the situation.
I felt like you might have banged her up all at once, but it was an interesting barrage of things happening, and if you had had a third post to play with I can see how that might have come around.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar is clean, legible, and free of errors. Everything that I’m gonna talk about is about REFINING an already proficient craft, so keep that in mind as you read me nagging.
Watch your elipses! They are everywhere. Especially beyond your first post, you leaned on them heavily as a pacing crutch! You don’t need them, you’re way better than needing them. I’ll use an example from your first post:
At best, this ellipsis was unnecessary, at worst it was a strange selection that broke up the flow of your post:
Quote: It'd been quite some time since she last participated in a real fight... but her pride could only deny a loss.
Also, your paragraphs could use a bit of breaking up, especially when they have embedded dialogue.
Quote: Her right eye gazed analytically down the shimmering scope, the glass magnifying her opponent. His expression was one of bewilderment, as if he wasn't aware of the situation he had thrown himself into... with a pitiful expression, Ruby slammed the bolt of the rifle back and firmly pulled the trigger, launching a screaming, white bullet from the barrel and narrowly over the golden wave atop the ball-player's head. She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?" She asked, and as if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape, before he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby. With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Might have better served as:
Quote: Her right eye gazed analytically down the shimmering scope, the glass magnifying her opponent. His expression was one of bewilderment, as if he wasn't aware of the situation he had thrown himself into.
With a pitiful expression, Ruby slammed the bolt of the rifle back and firmly pulled the trigger, launching a screaming, white bullet from the barrel and narrowly over the golden wave atop the ball-player's head.
She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?" she asked, and as if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape, before he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby.
With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Take into consideration the run-on right after Ruby’s question too. Without editing it, I left it in one paragraph, but it could have easily looked like:
Quote: She lowered Crescent Rose from her silver eyes and raised her voice to call out. "You realise we're supposed to be fighting, right?"Both of the examples above have their own pace and their own canter, and learning how to harness that rhythm is part of maximizing your writing quality.
As if some bright spark illuminated the man's mind, his lips formed an 'O' shape and he took a step forwards and slung the ostensibly impromptu weapon towards Ruby. With a smirk, the black and crimson clad girl rolled off to the left, feeling the ball soar past her skirt.
Is it nit-picky? Yes. Is it true? I think most will agree, “Yes.”
Total: 13
Wakka
Description & Clarity: 3
Everything in your posts was clear and concise, well-illustrated and conceptualized, and you made sure the reader know what was going on. However, in a constrained arena, I feel like some of your stronger descriptions had to get chopped. I’ve seen your descriptive ability, but I felt like a lot of it was missing out of necessity.
It felt to me like there was a struggle between exposition, beautiful detail and moving the scene forward with just 750 words to play with, but you managed to strike a good balance.
Voice: 4
You standard quality of humor is present, even if it is a bit more subdued in the writing, with examples like this:
Quote: She had almost stripped him of the balls that really mattered, leaving a clean cut on his trousers, which ran from between his legs up to his belt buckle.
Your narrative really includes the character’s perspective without vomiting exposition all over the page, which is really nice to see. I can catch glimpses of his perspective without it overshadowing the movement of the story.
Quote: She preferred Machina—fancy hoo-ha technology, forsaken by Yevon’s teachings—and wielded it like a true devil.
Your word choice and the way you choose to put in certain elements of the character really drive your Voice home, just as strong as it is in Deadpool, if totally different.
Character: 3
Wakka is a really interesting character, and you really brought him out for us to see. The way he entered the fight, the way he participated, and the exposition that you levied all let me feel like I know who Wakka was as a character. It was good work.
I do feel like some of the dialogue and the inner monologue he had felt a little forced, but I think that can be contributed to him being a newer character. Once you get a little spring in your step, you’ll certainly nail it.
Story: 2
I think there was a decent back and forth here. If anything, I wish there had been more opportunity to play with the idea of the Blitzball and the complex ways it can be used and I especially wish that you had been given more of a chance to interplay some of the character’s strengths and weaknesses into the fight.
A lot of your posts were eaten up by exposition, which made some of your action feel rushed, and diminished the impact of some of your drama. It might have something to do with only having two posts out, but for the most part I was more entertained by the character himself than by what was happening.
Grammar: 3
For the most part your grammar was clean and fluent. I had a couple snags here and there, but it was overall pretty good. Here are some nitpicky details:
Watch out for little errors with comma placement, like this:
Quote: This was no Blitzball tournament—there were no goals, no scoreboard, and no giant water bubble, containing the competitors. Not even a damn referee.You could have included the “not even…” line into the previous sentence with a comma.
You also reused a few words here and there, and that really stands out with peculiar or specific words like “gander.” Not a huge deal, but it’s noticeable.
Total: 15
It was a close fight, you two.
WINNER: WAKKA
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-20-2015
Kakashi V. Shulk
Shulk never posted, so he receives a 0 but it is still a good idea for Kakashi to look at his scores and see what he can improve on in the future battles. Sorry your first round was uneventful... But you did a nice job! Here goes.
Description and Clarity: 2.5
I’m not a huge fan of decimals, but I think they have their purpose. Throughout the battle, I felt a slight sway in consistency during the middle post, and while I think you did a good job explaining what was going on, I think it could have been a bit better. During the last post, (quoted last in this section) I felt a noticeable improvement on this category. For the future, add a bit of passion to the moves, intensity driven moves can be so much more effective, and sometimes the quality and effect will show off Kakashi’s sense even more. While this does have a little less to do with this category, I felt because it pertained to the moves I would put the suggestion here.
Quote:The swordsman smirked, this time instead swinging his blade laterally as the missiles neared. Kakashi tumbled sideways behind the cover of a nearby barricade as his shuriken were sent flying back in his direction.This was a good example of a clean description. However I felt as though it were lacking some of the “passion” I listed above. (You didn’t exactly have an ‘enemy’ so I don’t blame you, but I’m just trying to be helpful for your future battles!)
Quote:Being that he had quickly burned through a large amount of chakra in his last assault, the sharingan-wielder opted to stay put, bringing his blade before his chest in a defensive pose. Steel met steel once more as the younger slashed at the elder, his blows failing to reach their mark. Sensing the opportunity to barrel down on the obviously worn-out warrior, the blonde boy redoubled his efforts, swinging wildly at any opening.Your word choice was ON POINT here. I liked “steel met steel” as well as the later phrasing. Concise and accurate, nothing less from the famed Kakashi.
Quote:The shinobi swordsman winced as the instrument tore into his flesh, springing backward and out of the crimson combatant’s range. He quickly examined the damage, surprised at what little damage the direct hit had dealt.This part was clear as well. You put it so well that his hit was rather weak, but you didn’t put it so bluntly as to dumb it down. I found this savory, and well-framed. Nice work.
Quote: As expected, Shulk swung his formidable blade eagerly, meeting his opponent’s exposed right shoulder with the ferocity of a butcher. The crimson blade dug painfully into his flesh, tearing at the muscle beneath.You spoke of the target, and the blade’s destination. It was well done, however more elaboration on how it was clutched, or some of his stance could have painted a cool setting too.
Quote:reached his arm across his chest, left hand immediately clamping on his sword-bearing wrist. Grunting in pain, Kakashi wrenched the blonde boy’s arm upward, freeing his blade from the wound. Without missing a beat, the shinobi threw his left shoulder forward, staggering the boy. Keeping a firm grip on the lad’s wrist, the ninja threw a savage haymaker, slugging him square in the stomachThis was my favorite part! I found it vivid and the movement easy to comprehend.
Voice: 4
Your flow was excellent.
Quote:The silver-haired shinobi stood calmly in the dusty arena, the enormous flag at his back. He couldn’t deny how fitting his role was in this act; he had served a ‘kingdom’ in the Land of Fire before most children had learned to tie their shoes. Though truthfully, he didn’t care much which ‘side’ he represented.During this part, I got an immediate sense of Kakashi. I found his presence really intriguing, however I was left wanting to know more.
Quote: The shinobi captain would need to be more careful with his techniques; going in for a melee assault seemed foolhardy after watching his foe’s evident skill with a blade.You were very character-balanced, and I think it was nice how you didn’t so blatantly flaunt Kakashi as super powerful, it came off as “down to earth” for me, and it was appealing.
Quote:His eyes narrowed as the teenager rushed toward the shinobi, his now lengthened blade poised to bear down upon him. The scarecrow stood firm in the face of this showcase, confident in his kenjutsu skill. As the burning blade bore down, the masked ninja sprang sideways, strafing to avoid the boy’s now nearly 8-foot reach. The blade made contact with Kakashi’s shoulder, burning painfully as he pulled away. The beam sword continued it’s path, hissing as it ground into the dirt. Without missing a beat, Shulk quickly dodged right, skillfully avoiding the strike of his assailant’s narrower blade.This part was exciting AND clear. I loved the action and clarity, however I felt like more perspective could have been added from Kakashi’s point of view.
How? Well, I have two suggestions for you. 1. Go look at Magus’s fight, he ALWAYS does a good lens for his character, and I think it is because he has a good understanding of him.
2. What would kakashi think? You did a good job conveying this in italics, but I saw some opportunities where you could have placed in some things like how Kakashi once trained the kids of the village (though I’m not sure if that is when you took kakashi from as I am not too knowledgable in the series) I still thought a bit more could be seen from his point of view. Still, this didn’t effect the score, and I think you have a great writing voice. You excel very well in action scenes. Keep it up.
Quote:brandishing his katana with lethal intent.and this sentence gave you a good edge. *puns*
Character: 2.5
In the above, I mentioned a few places where you could grow. However, it is hard to grow when you don’t have much to compare to, and you have to speak for both character’s actions. I don’t have much to say in this category, other than that I like Kakashi’s character, and was left wanting to see more of what he was capable of, in the future, I want to see how strong he is when he tastes blood on his teeth, and feels the slow burn of fatigue tracing along his-- Anyway, desperation builds character, and that’s how I would start when pronouncing this category more. Keep up the pacing in this category, and instead of focusing on consistency *GASP* I suggest focus on motivation, or touching on Kakashi’s flaws. There were some good parts that I felt you created with dialogue between Shulk and him, so that is a good place to establish this as well.
You also introduced Kakashi in a very cool way.
Story: 2
You did well in this category considering you had less to work with. Like it says above, I like your character, and I like your voice, however I felt like there was less of an opportunity for you to shine because you didn’t have a challenge to defeat. In DA, I remember Vincent seemed like he had a bit of an edge, and the grappling motivation to win against so many skilled competitors. This is the same, and I’d like to see a bit more with Kakashi before the time is out!
My suggestion: Your character’s intrigue and voice compliment one another so very nicely, slowly build on that, and I’m sure the outcome with a little drama/plot will enhance every category tremendously.
There were subtleties that added flavor and enhanced the story of Kakashi’s character with intrigue, “
Quote:“And do I get to see your face, Kakashi?”and I think because you area already strong in that category, it’ll be easier to move the focus on him a little bit.
Downside to my suggestion: During a fight there is action, and less of an opening to delve into backstories and things alike. Keep it calm, cool, and collected, and Kakashi’s traits will speak for themselves when he meets a formidable adversary.
Grammar and Spelling: 4
No complaints on this category, you did above average. Your voice and attention to detail kept you from having barely, if any, errors. Your flow was superb.
Quote:The shinobi captain would need to be more careful with his techniques; going in for a melee assault seemed foolhardy after watching his foe’s evident skill with a blade.Instead of a semi colon (which isn’t necessarily wrong) I would have just said something like “but” or “however.”
I’m seeing a lot of cause and effect sentences.
Quote:”he spoke calmly, raising his sword before him.”And a little diversity doesn’t help (you kept it pretty diverse, this is just a small suggestion as I notice it in a few other fights. I like the use of the tense because it kept it from being repetitive).
Total: 15
The winner is Kakashi!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-21-2015
Gamzee Vs. Strazio
A few notes: on grammar, you were about neck and neck, so I graded it as about the same. Both contestants had errors.
Both also never ceased ANY action. Gamzee’s narration was entertaining, and Strazio brought the shit. Both had supplied ample action, and I didn’t feel either was one-sided. This match got pretty close for me guys. It was a very difficult decision for me.
Gamzee
Special note: you had a strong beginning, and a strong ending. The originality of the post and your ideas really showed.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:squeezing tightly and constricting his flow of air. Without warning, the batshit-crazy clown uses all this momentum to commence an acrobatic fucking pirouette with his legs still tangled around the poor guy’s throat.Style sometimes impacts this category, and narration has a part in here as well. Word choice heavily weighs on this part, and I think you did a very good job. I don’t think Gamzee’s narration got too much in the way of you conveying all the clear movements to the reader. A few flamboyant “fucking’s” did seem to touch on whether or not those were necessary, but I thought it added a certain flavor to the writing style, rather than seeing them as obstacles in the sentence/text.
You show your actions clearly,
Quote:“The crowd has frenzied, a maddening roar crescendoing at how the tables have turned in an instant.”But due to narration it isn’t always consistent, or seems broken up by dialogue and erupting action. Hone this skill a little better (stick voice and clarity together) and I think you’ll have a clear dominance over whoever your opponent may be.
Voice: 3
Your style and narration were extremely strong, and impacted this category potently. Lots of swears in and out of dialogue, however I think that goes along with certain aspects of the source material (homestuck) and character details. The humor you implemented was a surprise to me, but a pleasant one!
Quote:Then, he proceeds to watch in horror as the cap comes undone, spewing shaken up fruity miracles all over the opposing fighter’s clothes. The bottle bounces harmlessly off of the fighter’s head.I would not have laughed out loud, but the extra “hella” did it for me. I don’t even know what a Wicked Elixir is.
“Oh! Oh shit motherfucker, I’m so hella motherfucking sorry!”
Quote:and it could feel him feeling it, but he didn’t go anywhere. Gamzee just withstood the pain, not really being propelled upward or outward or anywhereward. It was a miracle.I liked how you delved deep into the descriptions of what he was feeling, as well as stayed more or less consistent with the capacity of narration by your character.
A really shitty, really agonizing one.
The clown however, did feel compelled to go downward. The alien teenager falls prey to gravity, sinking to his knees before finally collapsing onto the dry earth.”
Quote:“They just kept getting back up. The troll was just wearing himself out at this point.”Don’t be afraid to really lay on the desperation. You guys had an intense fight, and I felt like there was some untapped potential where Gamzee’s reactions could have been played up, or used in an extremely entertaining way (catering) to the reader, when Gamzee seemed like he was facing an impossible challenge.
Quote:The young troll thinks his eyebrows got singed off. With a groan induced from aching bones, he pulls himself from the dusty ground.Here it was again touched on, but I wanted to feel the really gritty parts of the fight.
Meanwhile this was very nicely framed, I loved the context, and you gave a great image to the reader without drawing too much attention from the subtleties of the sentence and context.
Quote: They just kept getting back up. The troll was just wearing himself out at this point. Seeing a brief but obvious opening, he tosses one club into the air. Amethyst eyes sparkling with murderous intent, Gamzee knocks the zombie’s block off with a two handed strike before catching the momentarily discarded juggling pin with a flourish and a bow.Voice involves flow, so I wanted to touch on
Quote:“reaching around his back to (somewhat awkwardly) “
Parenthesis usually stagger the flow, or sentence when used. If you look around, though I know you included them to separate the thought/add a bit more to the sentence, you will find that most people haven’t used them in their battles. Instead, people will use -something like this- which comes across more effectively. I wanted to suggest that in the future, not just for your fights, but for the overall interaction in your posts to come.
Character: 4
Gamzee comes off as flamboyant, and his definite character certainly plays into the plot that continues in the posts to come. The way his character can’t quite pick up on the fact that they’re in a death match, and is so very “chill” about his perception of it comes off very nicely to the reader, and not at all abrasive. He’s amusing, funny, and probably even a little zany. As a reader and the audience, I ate it up.
The contrast between Strazio’s professional air about him, as well as Gamzee’s nonchalant vibe was awesome for the both of you, and enhanced the battle for me. You both deserved a great score in this category.
Later, I liked seeing Gamzee’s motivations, first referenced with Adam, his friend, then er... Mistress? Guu.
Quote:“Can’t keep down the Clown, bro,” Clown in question says, chuckling to himself. “Mistress Guu will never forgive me if I fail here. I’m representing her and Ambrosia. I’m fighting for something higher than you, bro-”
This was ah.. interesting? I do think it distinguished your character a bit, however I was left a little befuddled, I assumed it was because your character has the High-Blood.
Quote:With a spine tingling cackle, the High-Blood begins to bust a gut. In his revelry, he coughs up some royal blood.Story: 4
It tastes so good...
From the beginning, I was hitched onto the irregular turn of events. Your character felt so original and I got a distinctive underdog kind of vibe from him. The whole fruit drink share, that turned into a more accidental disrespected gesture from him was utterly amusing, and it captured my attention and kept it in the following post, where Straz picked up on it as well.
Quote:”Ada-Um, I thought this was funny, I’m sorry I laughed at Gamzee’s pain.
Oh.
Ouch.”
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Quote:Its finite, this feeling.I think there was meant to be an apostrophe there. It is finite, this feeling. Sounded explanatory.
Quote:Before much else can transpire, the clown miracalizes his Deuce Clubs into existence again from wherever the motherfuck they come from, and proceeds to sprint for the nearest piece of cover-
before tripping and falling into a jagged crack in the Earth.
I wasn’t sure why you made this a separate paragraph (I assumed to draw attention to it) but anything that is a separate paragraph should be capitalized, even when it is in this kind of narration.
(contrastingly, you did it here correctly.)
Quote:Gamzee hoots in excitement, aiming to finish this battle in one fell swoop and-
Ah shit!
~A suggestion~ There was a part where you wrote “Trapped... So motherfucking trapped.” I wanted to suggest that “trapped” be the only thing italicized, but I’m sure you played around with it a bit and did what you wanted. I just thought it made more emphasis on the word (not that you needed it).
Here, I think you meant fist:
Quote: Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fast also flies into the dirt beside his face”There’s also a space for an optional comma, after “fist after fist” and I personally think it would have prevented this very accidental typo.
Quote:Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fast also flies into the dirt beside his face because the insane High-Blood is too busy laughing to care about where his punches end up. The ground tends to hurt his hands a lot more than the face.This part came off as a bit odd to me. I would have phrased it a bit differently. I personally would have altered the tenses, but narration and style keeps it present.
“Fist after fist flies into the mage-boy’s face. Fist after fist flies into the dirt beside his[be more clear, that it was Straz’s] face and because[I may not have used ‘because’] the insane High-Blood is[was] too busy laughing to care about where his punches end up, the ground tended* to hurt his hands a lot more than the face.” I’m not sure I “fixed” it, but I think the flow was just a bit jarring on that one.
Quote:Another punch connects; a deluge of blood erupts from the kid’s nose, showering the both of them in crimson splotches.this is more preference, but I would have put a “and” or a comma to show cause and effect, rather than a semi-colon, as I’m not sure that was so accurately placed. Semi colons are more to put two separate entities (that could each be sentences) together.
You did it here very similarly,
Quote: “Grabbing the feisty little fuck by his shirt collar, the Troll rears back before headbutting the shit out of this scrub, right between the eyes.”Total Score: 16
Strazio:
Special note: your word choice and rich vocabulary really showed. Both you and Gamzee have a wonderful dynamic, and I suggest you write with him again, as I was impressed by both of what you brought to the table.
"Description and Clarity: 4
Quote:“*CRACK*”During and throughout the fight your descriptions were consistent, and very precise. You really tend to thrive in this category, and it gives you an extra edge against your opponent, as this category helps establish a foundation for all of those that follow. While its a soft preference that you put the bolded word above in italics, I felt it actually conveyed some dramatic impact on the reader when not done superfluously. Sasuke did this in DA, and I felt it to add to the flavor of his posts. It kind of shouted out “hey, look at this!” and I think while it snags attention, it also shows the reader -when framed correctly- how powerful a single word can be, when you realize that it is a verb, and can “crack” can also be used as an adjective. The reader hears a “craaack” or a long, groaning “creeeaaaak” when an old door is opened in a scary story. It’s similar to that, and bypasses some way over-influenced sentences that can get flamboyant. Keeping it simple works, especially with your style.
Oh, and there was this:
Quote:It wasn't broken, at least not completely, but the throbbing pain certainly felt like Gamzee had shattered the poor bone. He stumbled to the side, trying to keep his weight on his uninjured leg.
And these, where there was no lack of vision:
Quote:A shower of sparks washed over Gamzee, the charged particles bit greedily into his flesh like a thousand red-hot pinpricks.
Quote:A veritable storm of strikes crashed into Strazio's face like so many numbing thunderbolts. His nose spewed a deluge of blood and his mouth tasted like a pool of copper. Thoughts and plans were battered away as fast as they came from Gamzee's whirlwind of punches. The withering series of strikes left Strazio's mind in a state of stupor. Finally the troll relented,I enjoyed the style and word choice that you used, I found it rich and mainly consistent when you were describing the actions of both Gamzee and Strazio. Good work in this category.
Voice: 4
You have a great voice. I also appreciated when you immediately adapted to Gamzee’s purple dialogue, and I felt you understood the character enough to enhance him. While this doesn’t really count toward voice super officially, I thought it would be nice to note that the diverse styles that you can adapt to while remaining consistent, was a nice display of skill.
You alternated between very vivid and more simple sentences and created a nice flow for yourself and the story all together.
Quote:”A flash of steel and blood preceded a line of painful fire carved into Strazio’s back.”Was a nice display of simple finesse that I felt like you delivered throughout the fight.
Character: 4
Reaction.
This part was seamlessly great:
Quote:Gamzee’s words were nothing but static to the livid mage, bright white sparks of rage jumped across Strazio’s scarred body.
(SN: I put some impacting quotes that would have gone here into voice and story instead.)
Throughout the story, Strazio continued to keep up with Gamzee's witty banter, and then some. Strazio's character, though it is opposite, provides a great use of a foil in this sort of rival situation. His character later brings in some great material during the end of the fight, touching on his motivations, will to live, and what it means to survive. I felt both Gamzee and Strazio were equal in this category for different reasons, because their characters contrasted so much, but they both remained distinguished and did it well.
Story: 4
Your story started very small, and then grew, emphasized perhaps by contrast, to have an unimaginably powerful effect.
Quote:For an ephemeral moment Strazio had the strength of a bear. The troll pushed against the super-charged mage, trying to keep him pinned. The two sat deadlocked, their bodies quivering at the strain levied against eachother. The energy that juiced his muscles began to fade and Strazio knew he had one last chance to break free. He gritted his teeth together, almost grinding them to dust, as he pushed against the troll. The final surge of strength allowed Strazio to peel the troll from his winning position. Gamzee stumbled back as the mage pushed with incredible force. Strazio stumbled back to his feet. His muscle tissue was now ravaged from the destructive energy that powered his burst of strength.
In this category, I felt you got inventive, but had lacked a bit. Your reactions were good, like when Gamzee threw the drink at you, and in the above I finally felt like it started to get moving and felt more climatic. The above is a good demonstration of motivation, I felt like it gradually inclined throughout your three posts, but was less evident in your first one.
I felt like it got better halfway through your second post when I felt more inclined to his action when this was displayed.
Quote:“The Necronomicon felt like a heavy answer strapped to Strazio's side. He hadn't used it before, but now seemed as good a time as any. The book was unclasped from its holster and the mage held it in front of his face. He couldn't read the profane words scrawled within, but he knew their purpose.”
This part got really epic and action-y
Quote:”Dark energies swirled around the book as Strazio called upon the corrupted power. From the ground three corpses dressed in tattered battle regalia crawled from their earthen tombs. The Colosseum was not built upon a graveyard, but the memories of the Deserters mixed with the twisted will of the Necromonicon forme the undead warriors. “Also, you linked me to your move page, and I thought you had a lot of good ones to work with. “Fodder” like that can get fun when both sides use the moves for interaction based things. I felt like you kept up with that okay.
Quote:He promised to be the savior of Darkshire and now he was going to be killed by some second-rate clown? Unthinkable. Pain was nothing, and these injuries were nothing compared to the bitter sting of defeat.I felt like you really showed your character’s motivation at the end, and that is usually where I prefer to see the whole “triumph” thing come into play. Victory is supposed to feel hard and worked for. Both characters/writers did a great job of displaying the grueling effort they put into the fight. Strazio continued this strong motivation throughout his last post, JUST like Gamzee did, (when Gamzee brought in the people who motivated him).
Quote:Against the devastating impact Strazio yelped in pain, but did not stop moving. He clamored to his feet and stood only a few paces from Gamzee. Strazio’s shattered arm hung limp and distended at his side, blood covered the fighter, but he was still alive and for that he grinned.This part you really had my attention. It was captured, hook, line, and sinker. This part for me tipped the scales, and had it not been included, I believe the outcome of the fight would have been different.
Quote:“Sorry... I’ve got a promise to keep,”
Quote:A roiling blast of destructive energy slammed into Gamzee’s chest sending him skidding away. Strazio’s body had been consumed by the burning energy. Every pain nerve flared to life and the mage gritted his teeth in acceptance of the agony. His hatred and fury far outweighed the pain of broken bones and bruised organs.I could taste the desperation. And that was more than enough.
Grammar and Spelling: 1
“Irritated” This word hung on a hinge with me, and I would have liked to see a period after it, however I think I saw the purpose to kind of lead in an explain the thought and idea, my preference and the definitive conclusion brought with a period would have made the singular word more complete.
Quote:Unfortunately fate was never kind to the poor man,I would have liked to see a comma after unfortunately, as it separates and kind of explains the following sentence, which would be an ample sort of “excerpt.” [/quote]
Quote:Without skipping a beat the troll flipped into the air and rocketed down towards Strazio.Same after “without skipping a beat,”
Quote:“Come on bro, stop running[,!]” Gamzee shouted.You’d want a mark of some sort there as well.
Quote:“Yeah, a real fuckin' scary one” StrazioComma or period after ‘one.’
Quote:opponent “plus you’ve done a terrible thing today. You’ve made me absolutely livid.”after opponent there should be a comma. Duuuudeee! <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html">http://grammartips.homestead.com/inside.html</a><!-- m -->
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I was thorough with my research, and even tried to confirm with another judge to get a second opinion. A comma IS needed before a quote.
Quote:The avatar’s grin disappeared and he spoke [,]“you think you know rage?”
Total Score: 17
The winner is Strazio!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-22-2015
Dawnika V Black Mage
Judge’s note: This was a shorter fight per post, so keep in mind I have to weigh more with less.
Dawnika
"Description and Clarity: 2
During this section, I was never confused by what was going on, everything was placed pretty straightforward, and I felt like I had a good idea of the action and events. However for the future, I can suggest delving yourself into the story as you write it, and placing details of the setting, so the reader can taste the ocean air with you, or grimace at the repugnant smell of death in the colosseum.
Quote:Her first impression of Black Mage was his appearance, or course.When I read this, I wanted to know what made Dawnika think that. I wanted to know what she thought of BM. What about his appearance? Was it spooky? Mysterious? Hallowed? When viewing something, every person, tall or short, has a slightly different view of the object. In this case, Black Mage. I wanted to know how his appearance effected dawn. If he had intimidated her, it would have set the scene better.
Quote:Obviously he was a wizard and would use magic from a range. She needed to close the gap quickly, when this started.A few more details on how she could tell he was a wizard just by looking, may have enhanced the over-all effect, and it could open up an opportunity for the reader to get to know Dawn. The who, what, where, when, and how’s do matter. When you find someone you look up to, you want to know everything about them, and such is a writer on the stage.
(you explained kind of what I meant a little later)
Quote:which Dawnika knew by the chants he kept repeating, she quickly pulled her bow and launched an arrow at him, forcing him to stop and dodgeby stating the reason, and it did help to enhance the sentence and the reader’s understanding of it.
Quote:Ice spikes and fire balls flew past her face, as she dodged the oncoming projectiles. It was easy to dodge at this range, but now she had to get across the center trench without being hit.You kept it simple. The action was very clean-cut.
Quote:About thirty feet away now, Dawnika pulled the bow on her opponent and launched more arrows as she closed in on him.You gave a very straightforward description, however I like to think of settings as alive. Dawn drew back the bow’s drawstring, did she feel the gentle ebb of elastic on her fingertips? Would the wind interfere? What was Black mage doing throughout all this. Extend some details and description outward, and I think more impact will find its way back to the reader. I sometimes call this kind of thing framing, which also pertains to plot and story build up. Framing context can be very important on the impact it makes to the reader. The point you what the reader to take from what they have read.
Quote:A lightning bolt suprised her, making a mark across her cheek.This part was clear, but never be afraid to say what the mark looked like! Harry potter’s mark is an irregular shape, a lightning bolt, and later in the books it seems to be made a distinguishing feature for Harry, even before he knew, people knew just by the mark it was him.
As this pertains to Dawnika, did the magic leave the trace of a blistering burn? Or did it effect her in more of a ‘slashed’ motion. Details like this may seem irrelevant sometimes, but they add layers to the setting and make it more real.
Quote:She took both her swords in each hands and let out a flurry of stikes.you did better in this part, which you used a good and varied amount of verbs, adjectives, and concise points of landing to help aid the reader in visualizing where the slices were accumulating. You also catered to the reader here and mentioned just what struggle Black Mage was enduring.
The mage's back hit the invisible barrier stopping him short and Dawnika started landing attacks on him. Shoulder, arm, one on the chest. Both the swords were moving to fast to dodge completely. If the mage did not find a way out of this soon, the end of this fight will be imminent.
Voice: 2
In your second post, I felt like you got a better chance to emphasize some of Dawnika’s thoughts.
Quote:Okay, range is his advantage. The best way for a predator to catch pray is to lure the pray into a corner. If I can get his back against the wall, he'll be mine.
The above narrative simplified Dawnika’s plan for the reader, and honed in on strategy and tactics. It was brief but concise, and maintained an effect on what you wanted to pronounce, as well as what you wanted the reader to take away from it.
Quote:She took both her swords in each hands and let out a flurry of stikes.
The mage's back hit the invisible barrier stopping him short and Dawnika started landing attacks on him. Shoulder, arm, one on the chest. Both the swords were moving to fast to dodge completely. If the mage did not find a way out of this soon, the end of this fight will be imminent.
Quote:The wizards foot met hers with enough force to make her cringe. Before she had time to react, he had already forced her back to the blood-stained ground. Her swords skided away from her hands upon impact.Throughout the battle, I felt like your descriptions improved. In your last post, which was a bit shorter, you had a good idea of what you wanted to display, and the words you wanted to use to do it. Continue building on this, having a good partner, with a good pace, can really aid in your own growth as a writer.
Character: 1
Quote:"In the name of King Aragon, I will destroy you!"Dawnika says this to Black Mage, and I felt like she really took on the purpose of the flag, but I was left wondering and curious. What does the Kingdom mean to her character?
For this category, I didn’t feel like there was much description as to who Dawnika was. There were times that I felt you displayed her personality acutely, and a bit through dialogue, however there wasn’t a lot of emphasis and some of these traits were lost in the aggression of action during the fight.
If you read the description for this category, it wants character development, and the reader to feel a certain way when they think of your character. To better establish this, you have to make the reader understand Dawnika.
Quote:Character development, the actions and motivation of characters and dialogue are all important in this section. The goal is to create “round” characters as opposed to “flat” ones. Making the people in your writing seem real, not just archetypes following a plot progression is the goal here. The writer should consider who the people they are writing as are as individuals, why they take certain actions, their personal problems and boons, how they interact with the world around themselves and how they approach problems are all considerations for a writer in this section. Note that not all GOOD characters are LIKABLE characters. If you really hate a character that’s well written, this section deserves a good score!
How can I get people to understand my character? ESPECIALLY in a fight?
I have a few suggestions. Motivation, action, the reason behind the action are all good places to start. When you ask yourself, “why” does Dawnika even fight BM, that is the beginning of improvement. I don’t know why Dawn joined the tournament, but I would have liked to. Little details build character. If you don’t feel like you have much to say in this category, sometimes even mentioning clothes can help, especially in BM’s case, who has dark, whispery clothes. Why does he wear them? What is he hiding. Sometimes things even like clothes can help build a character. Superheros have distinguished and identifiable outfits. Why can’t your character be the same?
Story: 1
In this category I think both of you could have scored higher. The posts were slightly shorter than normal (and I know quite a few others were bordering 750, and had to chop off some unneeded words) but I felt like the story between BM and Dawn was unspoken. Had it been a little more pronounced, you would have built a bit more friction or tension in the reader’s mind. After a little bit of this, sometimes even unnecessarily, there is a firmer idea of each character, and who they are. I wrote more in BM’s story category that says something similar, so I hope you take a look at his too.
Quote:"You deserters will pay for your insolence."You took off running. I liked how you immediately took on the symbols of the flags and made it your own. It came off pretty passionately as well, when the sentence following it reinforced the vehement ignition of battle.
Just before, Dawn anticipated the battle and raided the weapons, retrieving ample amount to last her through the battle, which showed that her character was looking ahead, and preparing in her own way for the battle to come.
When you create as a writer, you want to keep in mind how the reader is going to interpret some of the things you mention. I’m going to use an example here, on how sometimes adding just a bit more information can make a big and sometimes subtle difference.
“Sam pet the cat, and smiled.”
“The fur on the cat’s head was sleek and looked soft, Sam reached her hand and stroked the cat’s back, the cat purred with warmth, and Sam smiled.”
The first one narrates only the action pertaining to Sam. In the second one, we are taken a bit more in depth, Sam’s motivation for petting the cat is included, there is subtle emotion described so that the reader can infer (with hopefully previous experience) what a cat feels like when you pet it. The end, two brief words, had they been taken from either of the examples would have deprived conclusion. In the second one, we know why Sam smiled, in the first one, the reader has to work for it a bit more, and there is an unpleasant sense of unknown.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Aside from the occasional switching of a word, I felt like you remained pretty concise in this category, your sentence structure was simple yet grounded, and with a bit of help you could
Quote:"Good thing I learned how to use a variety of weapons. [“]Before”There was a lack of quotation marks, accidental I believe, to break up her action and her dialogue.
Quote:”his appearance, or course.”It is my understanding you meant “of.”
Quote:Obviously he was a wizardI think the sentence would sound better with a comma after obviously, however I also wanted to suggest that if you italicized “obviously” it would come off with a bit more flavor, and sound like it was directly from Dawn’s thoughts.
Quote:catch pray is to lure the praysmall mistake, praying to god is different than a lion’s jaws closing around its prey.
Quote:About to use his aero”This is more of my own personal preference, but I know his move is named aero, but I couldn’t help feeling like instead of using the move name, you may have wanted to do a description, or not say it point blank. I didn’t mark you off for this one, but keep in mind some subtleties in narration can feel like metagaming, rather than what you want to be a clean and enticing match.
Quote:forcing him to stop and dodge: she was inAlmost always after colons, capitals are used because it is its own separate entity.
Quote:The wizards foot met hers with enough force to make her cringeapostrophe - wizard’s
Total Score: 8
Black Mage
First I wanted to say that you both did a wonderful job, but one of your rounds was posted late, so I had to apply the penalty at the end.
"Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:With the ringing of a gong the battles begun and the Black Mage found himself hurling fireballs and launching daggers of ice at his foe, a young woman whose size belied her ferocity. Her opening movement was a quick dash towards the Black Mage, cutting from one side to another as he slung his spells but still relentlessly charging forward. As she came forward the girl hastily pulled out the colosseum bow and fired a volley of arrows.This was wonderfully put, I was immediately catapulted into the action.
Quote:”speed suffered enough that he had ample time to dodge, the Black Mage rushing to one of the nearby stone barricades”This part was brief, but well put.
Quote:As the swordswoman would charge she'd find a straight path would be a quick way to meet a lightning bolt's embrace.Battles aren’t all about action. Sometimes what defines the power of a punch, can be the reader knowing what is driving it. Don’t be afraid to delve into the mage’s inner motivations. Don’t be afraid to make the reader become more familiar with your character. It pays off when the reader can relate to the character or at least understand them enough to respect the character, or hold them to a high esteem. What makes being a jedi so desirable? It isn’t just that they have a connection with the force, but they have discipline and restraint, and it is evident that they know what honor they have to uphold.
Quote: Though the power of the bolt spell was quite intense the swords girl proved too elusive to take the direct force of it's blast, only suffering a small burn across her cheek. Angered by the pain of the display the swordsgirl accelerated her pace, pushing herself towards the Black Mage despite the dangers it posed, and came out without another scratch.Your word choice was good and varied here, and I felt like it added flavor to the action as well as the rest of the paragraph, which placed Black Mage as the focal point for action.
Voice: 3
Quote:Success was fleeting as soon she was perhaps ten meters away and firing another volley of arrows.”Distance is always a good detail, and helps for the reader to visualize what was going on. But I do think you could use some improvement in this category. I felt like I needed some ample definition from Black Mage’s perception. In Magus’s fight, he used his voice very well, and you could almost hear his character in every line.
Quote:The young girl was quick to shake off the shock of his advance and pain of being thrown at a stone wall, but the Black Mage had already started backpedaling,you have a lot of varied vocabulary going on. “backpedalling, suffering, throttling,” kind of added a nice tone to the overall effect.
Quote:Drawing closer and closer to the him the swordsgirl pushed forward, always a step quicker than his ice or fire. A simple chant enticed a change-up, allowing the Black Mage to fire a bolt of lightning that would hopefully hit it's mark.This was a brief moment of action, but I felt it was done very well, and set up for the next point of action in the post, which I thought was done flawlessly. (see below)
Quote:Needing to find a way out the Black Mage let down a heavy stomp of his left foot onto the swordsgirl's right foot, giving him just enough time to utter the incantation for "Aero", putting a gust of wind forward to launch the swordsgirl away. With the Black Mage's foot still stuck on hers however she didn't skid back or get thrown in the air, but rather found her body collapsing to the ground. Following her momentum the Black Mage led with his left forearm, pushing it over the swordsgirls throat as he fell atop her. Though he was the not the beefiest of the Warriors of Light by any stretch the move was not intended to be final, but rather a delaying tactic for his next attack
Quote:forward, across, and around they went, carving bit by bit out of Warrior of Light. It was impossible for him to tell the Black Mage could have sworn the crowd cheered as the ground beneath them was stained a scarlet hue, but he would have sworn they rejoiced in his pain...Though he was the not the beefiest of the Warriors of Light by any stretch the move was not intended to be final, but rather a delaying tactic for his next attack.In your last post, I felt closest to your character, because of the added descriptions to the setting, I felt like it was Black Mage and me against the world. Keep that up, and I think you’ll score better in this category next round.
"Water chilled, sharpened, strong. Ice!" He chanted as he thrust his right palm over her stomach. This fight would be over soon, one way or another.
Character: 2
I just wanted to say that you have a lot of awesome moves! I took a glance at your roster and was impressed with all the cool moves!
Quote:"Wind, flowing, never tame, throw my foe and give him pain. Aero!" The Warrior of Light spoke as his hands came together for a clap, a cyclone escaping his fingertips and pushing the barefoot swordsgirl, causing her to skid backwards before she came forward to press the attack once again.What makes up a character better than their traits and actions? Obviously, hella cool spell names. I liked it when you had BM cast this spell, because I felt like the abilities he used touched on the character’s strength. A little work could’ve been done to elaborate in this category, but with some effort and your character, you could soon find it easier to focus on this category more.
Both characters I felt lacked in this category as well. I didn’t get a good sense of who they were when I was reading, and that is why there was a lower score this category. More adjectives to define their personalities could have been used to improve the reader’s perception of the character, however, I personally would have liked to see Black mage (though mysterious) “recoil” at some of Dawnika’s words. When she called him a deserter, how did that effect BM? Did he feel insulted and even more motivated to take her down? Or had he been called worse?
Even if you don’t display a character’s personality openly, action, no matter how subtle, effects the reader and makes them more inclined to your character.
Story: 1.5
The tournament is a ruthless battlefield where Primes around the world come to kill eachother. It's scary, it's brutal, and it's cool. There was a lot of tension, but it could have unfolded differently, and more toward the reader.
I wasn’t impressed with the story in this match guys, there was some tension, but I felt it was really lacking and unpronounced. In place of story, I felt like you put some cool action, however in a really good fight, there is a balanced blend of plot/story, tension/drama, and action (cause and effect). Without a blend of this, the other things can seem off-balanced, or even lacking meaning. For an example of this, I’d like to mention that the plot and build up of a story can be crucial to the ending.
“The silver spoon was held wavering an inch before his mouth. Cupped inside, a crunchy mixture of milk and cornflakes. He hadn’t eaten in two days. He saw his warped reflection on the mirrored handle, it was pale and gaunt. He had circles below his eyes, which were feverish and glossy. The boy had been sick for three days before, and in his torso, his ribs had begun to stick out through is shirt. If he didn’t eat something soon -and hold it down- he would surely be put in the emergency room, or worse, starve to death.
He gulped and readied his willpower before he clenched his jaw and braced for the cold liquid substance that would soon drown his gullet. Nausea surged in his stomach. He repulsed, and dropped the spoon into the bowl. It splashed out on the table and the ceramic dish ware bounced before spinning back into stability. He felt like throwing up again, how could he even eat a single bite? The struggle was real, but he would triumph.
The boy’s knuckles turned white as they grasped the spoon once more. And with a vivid swing, his lips opened to down the cold swish of food. He crunched and swallowed and his swirling nausea immediately subsided. He had triumphed, so he took another bite.”
Like in the description of this category, I went with breakfast. The story had a beginning and an end, but it didn’t exactly start with the ‘gong’ so to speak. It starts with emotion and character.
In order to build, there were people in other matches who used interaction and dialogue to aid them, others used their character’s motivations to win. All in all, you can use those tactics and the above suggestions to improve the consistency of building a plot that suits this setting, and having your character woven in can really enhance the quality.
Grammar and Spelling: 3
Aside from the occasional lack of comma (which I think in this case was a style choice) I barely noticed any mistakes. Commas help the reader pause where you want them to, and motion when something should be short, fast paced, choppy, broken up, or otherwise separate. Keep an eye for those and you should be good.
Quote:”Despite her quick feet the arrows “There should have been a comma to separate or create a pause for the reader between “Despite her quick feet, the arrows.”
Quote:”Looking over his cover for a moment he spotted”Same with this one.
Quote:Silently [,]the Black Mage wondered to himself what magic he would have to learn to mimic such skill and alacrity, but such thoughts were wasted in the heat of the moment.
Quote:In the time The Black Mage had taken to summon her thoughts Dawnika was upon him,The above, instead of “her” black mage, to my understanding is a male. When you speak in pronouns, they should correlate to the character that was spoken about just before the mention of the pronoun.
Total score: 12.5 x late penalty .667 = 8.34
The Winner is Black Mage!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-24-2015
Colosseum - Round 1, Group A - Luffy vs Alain
Luffy
Description & Clarity: 3
You managed to not only write clearly, but really sell your action scenes. You used your words to pace the scene, and you used the pacing of the scene to emphasize what was important or not important. I could see, and feel, a lot of what you were writing.
As it WAS a fight, and especially with your character’s more visual, cartoonish style, it’s easy to see why some of the other sensory descriptions were left out, but I’d love to see more of that in your next fight. Smell, taste, feeling. Not a major lapse of quality, but I would personally enjoy seeing more of those kinda of intimate details from you.
Voice: 3
Your word choice really supported the character’s perspective and attitude, and strung the reader along with you on the journey of his emotions and intentions. I especially like the amount of almost comedic “sound effect” onomatopoeia and the overall fun, cartoonish feeling you left behind.
Sometimes your verbosity worked against you in this section, but only really noticeably in the opening of your first post. The eloquence with which you wrote sort of seemed to undermine the simplicity and effervescence of the rest of your writing.
Character: 4
Your depiction of Luffy really sold the character, and his expression was really buoyant and fun, just like he should be. And yet, even through the fluff, there was a depth there. You almost POINTED OUT the character’s ridiculousness with his actions and dialogue. His naivety, his silliness, and his determination were all brought to light. It was a really stellar display of WHO Luffy is and WHY he is acting in the ways he is. His personality even came out in his Moves, which is always fun.
I don’t usually talk about how a writer writes his opposition, but it’s actually a really strong consideration of mine, and you did it really well. You made Alain a very interesting, engaging opponent. You used his powers, you used his personality, and you made him really engage as an antagonist. It really breathed some life into the scene to see that kind of back and forth. Loved it.
Story: 4
The complex and interesting ways that you engaged your enemy using Luffy’s powers was really impressive and fun. I feel like you really sold the exchanges, and every time that Luffy did something, it changed the pace and the direction of the fight. Every hit MEANT something. Every move was used in a way that was compelling and let me looking for more.
It can’t go without being said, but the opening move of the fight was creative and hilarious, right down to the inventive name he gave it. You made PROBLEMS for your character, and then came up with INTERESTING SOLUTIONS that subverted the reader’s expectations, which is what a good story looks like, especially in a fight.
You also had a really good command of pacing in this. There were breaks in the movement, there was an exchange of dialogue, there were peaks and valleys for both of the characters, and overall you struck a rhythm that was appealing. Good work.
Grammar: 4
You did well on grammar.
Quote: That heirloom . . was my ONE AND ONLY TREASURE!Just little editing errors like a missed period here or there were the only mistakes I could find.
You used a lot of ellipses, but they matched your style and Voice so well that they didn’t get in the way or break up the flow of writing.
Total: 18
Alain
Description & Clarity: 2
I didn’t have any problems reading your action in the posts, which is a really good thing! Almost all of it was very clear and easy to understand. I’d say that, overall, you did a good job describing things.
However, I did feel that a lot of your writing ended up feeling a bit dry. I rarely felt myself feeling emotionally invested or wondering at the scenes that were in my head because the spry, interesting details of what was happening were a little absent. In some cases, the absence of that actually made it a little more difficult to understand, because the lack of dramatic tempo.
Quote: There was a sickening crack as the buckler connected with his skull, and he fell into the trench headfirst, almost comically.I suggest you take a bit more time with your description, and really pick out the things about the objects and actions that illustrate the action that they’re involved in. When Luffy hit him with the buckler, that’s all we saw. We saw a buckler hit his face, and that was about it. What details of the buckler stuck out visually? What sound did it make? Did Alain taste the wood when it hit his mouth? What about this moment stands out to the character? “Sickening crack,” is a good start to it, but it’s pretty commonly used and minor, so it doesn’t stand out as a particularly “strong” description.
By pulling out little details like that, you can really put the reader in the shoes of the character, and that’s what really sells the story. If you want an action to have more impact or to move more slowly and dramatically, give us more details. If you want the pacing to be fast and almost “blurry,” use less sensory details.
Voice: 2
Your Voice was present, but it lacked a lot of strength. I think it was due to the procedural nature of your description that I really didn’t get a feeling for who you, or the character was through the writing. It wasn’t SEVERELY lacking, it just wasn’t popping off the page.
Character: 2
Alain has a lot of potential as a character, and I feel like you’re starting to hit the beginning of your stride for that. Finding a place where the character’s personality, or LACK OF personality makes him interesting can be a daunting task, but I think you’re just on the cusp of it.
Really selling how a character thinks can be as much a part of how he acts as it is of putting exposition bout their intentions on the reader. Give us the small details, the little things that define us as people. Does Alain have any tics? Does he move in certain ways or react with certain expressions? I didn’t get to SEE a lot of who Alain is so much as you tried to tell us flat out, which more often than not backfires as a method of characterization.
I think that if you spend some more time with the character, thinking about the MINIUTIA of his world, you’ll start to be able to show us the character a bit more. What are his small feelings? What are his pained memories, what’s his favorite food? All that kind of stuff can really sell a character, even in a fight situation. It all bleeds through.
Story: 2
You action was really fast paced and dynamic, which I found enjoyable! One thing that sort of struck me as lacking was “big moments,” where something dramatic happened that changed the major course of the battle. It was a lot of back and forth, but overall it was a tit-for-tat exchange, and felt a bit stagnant/constant.
You did have a few breaks and changes in action, like when Alain was hiding behind the barricade while Luffy was spinning, but it more seemed like you were just looked for AN answer to a solution rather than trying to use the drama of the moment to find an engaging solution. When Luffy was spinning like a garbage disposal, hiding behind a rock while he was spinning was sort of a let-down. Even if your CHARACTER, is just looking for a solution to a problem, as a writer engaging with conflict and forcing characters to deal with conflict in interesting ways is what makes the story engaging to the reader.
Shortly after that scene, you actually engaged with Luffy, and I feel like that was one of the more fun parts of the story, because it had the most humanity. You could see the flaws of both characters, and it felt a lot more organic and real.
Grammar: 3
Quote: leaping over the trench and wondering what his foe's strategy was.Just little errors like this messed you up here and there, but certainly above average for the site.
Total: 11
WINNER: LUFFY
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-24-2015
Round 1, Group B - Alexyana vs Courier Six
I’m sorry it’s taken me soooo long to get this graded. It’s, BY FAR, the closest fight in the first round, so I’ve had to really take my time and reread it several times. It was a perfect match up.
This thing came down to fragments of points (which I have rounded up and down, to make the decision more clear for you both), so it’s… painfully close.
Your styles are actually both really close, making this even harder.
So, as a way to kinda help validate this, I’mma add in little quips about how you compare to each other in each section.
Alexyana
Description & Clarity: 3
The action was very very clear, fun, and descriptive. If anything, a few things about it felt just a little bit dry or misplaced. There was a lot of clear description, and you gave the reader some good descriptive depth.
I would like to see more specific details, really slow down and let the moment play out. Where should the mind’s eye be focused? What details, what moments? Giving bright, glimmering details in slow moments, and sloppy, rough details that encompass whole movements would help you out here, I think. Perhaps more metaphor and more abstract comparisons and adjectives to help us define the real with the obscure.
You two honestly stood closest here in your styles. I think that you’ll diverge when you start using some of the details that stand out to your characters.
Voice: 2
I got a really good sense of Alex’s fluff and personality PURELY through the voice of your writing. We didn’t get a lot of strong characterization, but your straight up writing style really laid out the feel and personality of Alex.
Even still, there’s always room to focus on choosing just the right word for just the right format or quirk to mix in.
Character: 2
We did get to see a bit of Alex here, which was great! However, with the combat at such a breakneck speed, moments for strong characterization were limited. Finding space to squeeze in your character can be rough. I think that if you create some space in the pure action, you’ll have a much easier time flaunting your good character writing.
I’d say that you squeaked ahead on this one, but not far enough to validate a full point jump.
Story: 2
It was a lot of fun for a beat-em-up style story. There was a lot of blood, and both of them got like, really hurt. Especially the part where you got blasted in the head/face a ton. There was certainly a good back forth, and some decent exchanges.
What I feel like it lacked was pauses. It was just a ton of action, non-stop, and because of that it didn’t really hit a great STORY. Yes, the action was good, but action is best used as punctuation to tension, peaks, valleys, internal and external conflict. Giving your characters dramatic problems to come over by using the terrain, their unique powers, and anything else you can think of are what really drive an interesting story outside of just beating the hell out of each other.
Again, what your wrote for the action was really solid, and the scenes that were action oriented were great. But using strong, fast-paced action for the peaks of a scene, not at a constant “Volume at 11” level.
This is the section that most decided the winner. The Courier used just a bit more dramatic pacing and stole the point over you on this one. If I wasn’t forced to separate your scores by at least 1 point to determine a winner, I’d say you both got right around a 2.5.
Grammar: 3
I’m not gonna go crazy on this, but there were few errors. Proofread more, look out for editing errors.
Total: 12
Courier Six
Description & Clarity: 3
As I said in Alex’s C&C, you two share a lot of aspects in your description and overall writing style, and you have mostly the same benefits and downfalls.
Your writing clear and fun. There was a lot of clear detail, but I’d love to see more specific, outstanding details. Use all of your character’s senses. Use abstract metaphors and similes to hammer home concrete descriptions. Most of what I said to Alex applies.
Voice: 2
Again, mostly the same as Alex’s. I’m trying not to be lazy with this, but your writing faces a lot of the same boons and downfalls as hers. She did scrape ahead of you in this category because her word choice was more descriptive of the character.
I would focus on trying to find words and details that surround your character and your writing style, and trying to tap into how their worldview alters their descriptive language.
Character: 2
With so much of the fight being super speed fighting, and with the word restrictions, finding characterization space can be hard. I would just suggest trying to use the thematic rhythm and spacing to SHOW your character, using actions to show your character through their actions, and having actions other than beating the shit out of your opponent and self to help that along.
Story: 3
You used the Courier’s Stealth to a greater effect than Alex found. It had drama, and it had tension and payoff. While I overall believe that you could have focused much more on your rhythm and pacing, you managed to get in the tension that pushed your score over Alex’s.
I shouldn’t have to say it by this point, but you both seemed to have similar issues in this part.
Grammar: 3
Watch your editing. Proofread. Read it like, a hundred times. There was a little bit of funky formatting.
It was pretty much the same as Alex’s, so saying more than “about the same” and “proofreader super hard to clean up the smaller, nit picking things” is somewhat pointless.
Total: 13
Folks, it was a close fight. You both did REALLY well.
WINNER: COURIER 6
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-25-2015
Axorn vs Shang
Judge note: Overall, I felt like you both did a great job. Axorn, you the man if you faced this guy and were able to face off against him. Axorn, I was impressed by what you offered during the fight.
Axorn
"Description and Clarity: 2.5
Quote:Axorn fired his gunblade, the resounding recoil shooting him straight up into the air, much to the amazement of the crowd, and spread his wings, allowing him to hover there. Axorn was just about to swoop in for an attack when his opponent made a series of hand gestures and there was a loud uproar in the crowd. The next thing Axorn knew, something had slammed into his back, and then promptly exploded, launching him forward and sending shocks of pain through his upper back. Axorn lost control for a moment and began to dive towards the ground, just as he regained control, a flaming skull came shooting out of the ground towards him. Axorn attempted to swerve out of the way but the edge of it caught his waist. It then exploded, catapulting him into a roll towards the precarious fissure.This was great, very concise, exciting, explosive! I liked what it brought to the battle, and the fact that it made sense Axorn went airborne (his fighting style) was just icing on the cake for me.
Quote:Axorn tucked and dove, causing the skull to just barely clear him. There was some screaming and yelling as the skull exploded in the stands. Axorn landed and dashed straight in, slicing towards the man with his sword. Axorn's adversary blocked the attack with blades that seem to have shot straight out of his wrists.This part was clear and concise, I would have liked to see/have had a bit more description on the weapons /impact that were flung from his wrists, however, this was indirect, and is a move in the roster. It may be preference, but I always try to describe my opponent’s moves a bit better than my own. There are a few reasons, one is because I don’t usually get to use them in the first place, so its less repetitive and can be fun to detail, another, is that it is less confusing as to which move you used. In shang’s case, this wasn’t difficult to differentiate, but admittedly, my roster’s moves are all similar, so he included the names in a spoiler tag, which makes for less guesswork. butdudethatwordlimit yes, I know its rough sometimes, to balance out what is relevant, I will say in this paragraph, though it was well done, I was kind of curious how it was blocked. Next time add a little detail, directional (which is just a single word, making it realistic) or something like, “in a scooping motion,” or “parried left” or “swung his blade right, blocking the oncoming attack.” Just a few suggestions to elaborate further, it was very gripping, and doesn’t hurt to go a little further.
Quote:Axorn tuned back into the fight and realized that Shang had accidentally cornered himself in the fissure. Axorn took aim and fired his gunblade.This part was concise and clear, but it could have used something. I suggest in the future, something along the lines of Axorn’s arm quivering, or the note that in the face of danger, Axorn’s arm never wavered, he was a warrior. Something along those lines, extra detail/narration can really define a character, which the reader wants and even craves to get to know.
I also was left wondering for the briefest second (before recalling the turn of events from above) how Shang was cornered. Instead of point-blank stating it, though it is recap, there was a bit more opportunity for you to rephrase it not necessarily elaborately, but with some fresh words that make the reader think.
Quote:Shang attempted to run to the side to get out of the way, but the passage was too narrow and the crystal embedded itself in his left arm.This part was OK, however it almost seemed like there wasn’t enough association for one action to correspond with the other. If you added what some people call filler, or a bit more to the sentence, both could have been balanced out, or made a bit more intriguing.
“Shang ran to the side to get out of the way, but as he did so, his shoulder felt the wrath of the wall (that is, slammed into) and the crystal was only wedged deeper by the narrow cavern walls.”
There is only a bit of a difference, however I think you can see that the example version is a bit more varied.
Quote:Shang, not having enough time to react properly, braced himself for the oncoming impact of the crystal.How did Shang do this? Did he shut his eyes? Did his muscles tense? Acute details like this are savory, and when included, really favor the reader’s imagination.
Voice: 3
You started off with a very good hook,
Quote:“Axorn unsheathed his sword, glinting in the light of the sun, and faced the man that was to be his opponent. “It was compelling, and subtly lead into the fight, without too much force.
Quote:He attempted to fly up out of the blaze, but only succeeded in getting his chest scorched rather than his head. As the fire passed over him, he felt a renewing sense in his mind.I liked this sentence pairing, I felt like they complimented each other, and I thought the action was nice and completed.
Quote:Axorn, clutching his now bleeding shoulder, continued his assault, running towards Shang despite his pain. Shang hit him again from the other wall, causing his other arm to begin bleeding as well.I found this part to be very cause and effect, as well as action oriented. Short and choppy, like one would expect to see/feel during a fight.
Quote: As the blood flowed from both competitors Axorn disengaged, using his wings to pop himself up out of the crack in the earth. Axorn ran to the far end of the arena, zig-zagging between stone barricades, andThis helped get the pace back up to speed.
Quote:provoking him to fire yet another skull towards Axorn's face. Axorn tried to dive out of the way, but the skull clipped him, sending him rolling across the battlefield. Axorn rolled to a stop a few yards away. His scales, scratched and broken in some areas, had lost their sheen, and his leather clothing ripped as it caught on a boulder.In your third and final post, I found you really brought your A-game. This sentence was really rich, and I felt like it painted a good picture in the reader’s mind.
To improve your voice in the future, I suggest experimenting with different styles, and varying sentences occasionally so they feel a bit more engaging to the reader.
Character: 3
Immediately I felt a good idea of your character, before you even had to describe him.
Quote:"I hope you will be a worthy, honorable adversary and that you don't hold back." Axorn said, a determined look on his stern face. "I want to have a good, honorable battle, and I hope you feel the same way."
Quote:This is going to be really tough, he thought, using his wings to push himself back in the air. but this is EXACTLY what I came here for. I wanted a challenge, Omni has presented it to me. Time to prove my strength.This part added great flavor to your character.
Quote:Axorn charged forward towards his adversary, drawing his sword. Shang fired a flaming skull at his face, and while it was still a long way off, Axorn stepped to the side, dodging it. Axorn aimed with his trusty sword and fired his last bullet. I hope this works!Your frequent narration in italics gave insight on Axorn for the reader, but be careful you don’t tell too much, sometimes it is good to “show” and see the effect.
While I do like the narration, it can always be helpful to know what other things will hold a reader’s attention, imagination, and emotion for longer which can consequently have more effect.
There is some subtle traits of Axorn shown by his actions. He charged! - Bravery, He drew his sword - fearlessness, he anticipated the skull, and dodged it - judgement, agility, and adapting during battle. These are all promising traits, but they were almost inferred, and too much inferring can strain the reader. Keep an eye out for that in the future. Sometimes it is nice to be told, shown, however the reader won’t always be looking for small subtleties like this.
Even though some of it was inferred, I still got a good idea of who Axorn was. In the future, something to help your portrayal might be dialogue, (which I suggested to your opponent) or alluding to what personality traits that might have made him charge, rather than hold his position, braced. The action that was thrown by you was incomparable, and I felt like there was a good amount of motivation behind Axorn’s blood.
Lastly, I marked you a little higher than your opponent, because I felt like you had established very good consistency from your introduction to your final post.
In the future, don’t be afraid to put on display some of Axorn’s personality traits. People will find them relatable, and enjoyable/entertaining to read.
Story: 2.5
The second post is when the story should really begin to accelerate. And here, I felt the slow ebb of change commence:
Quote:The draconian ran through the flames, hoping his competitor hadn't noticed the less than stellar effects. By the time the old man had figured it out and stopped the breath, Axorn emerged from the flames and brought his sword down, just barely being blocked by his adversary's Jian.
Quote:Axorn ran to the far end of the arena, zig-zagging between stone barricades, and occasionally limping from his badly wounded leg, knowing his opponent would soon follow. Axorn made his way to the end of the arena and grabbed a crossbow and a bag of bolts, which he tied to the projectile launcher, and slid his sword onto his back. I only have one crystal left, if I'm not sure it will hit, I'm going to use this. I need to exploit all my assets. Axorn whipped around just in time to see Shang finish summoning another skull.This part showed strategy as it was in the making (and in the first post, the plan to strategize was made as well). As this part reviewed Axorn’s thoughts, you want to be careful, because sometimes when not phrased carefully, thoughts can seem like review to a reader, and we don’t want a lot of that on the second half of the post, because it slows down the steady, rapid pace you have going, and takes away from time you could have been kicking your opponent’s butt.
Quote:He hit the ground a little harder than he'd wished, jarring his leg and forcing more blood out of his battered body.There were a few instances where I felt like there could have been more build from your character and style/word choice in this section. I liked the inclusion of motivation, and there were times I felt your character was desperate, however, I didn’t feel like there was a potent pathos being used, and I didn’t feel like the struggle was quite as grueling as it could have been. You did a good job explaining the story with Axorn’s action and narration, but it did lack a bit when there could have been a slow build to an (extremely) explosive or shocking ending. The potential was there, but it was a little less consistent towards the end (we want a strong finish!), and I felt like the conclusion lacked finality.
Grammar and Spelling: 2
Quote:readying himself. "let'sLet’s should be capitalized, and the period should be a comma.
Quote:Axorn said, a determined look on his stern face. “IPeriod to comma.
Quote: Am I, being purified?AxornSlight accident, this happened to me before I caught it on my final edit, but when wordcounts are involved, this kind of thing is horrifying. (its a lack of a space after the q mark.) This puts you at 748 (THANK GOODNESS) and sometimes things like this are easily missed, especially with the italic font, I don’t believe it was intentional, I was glad a single miss didn’t cost anything against you, and would have felt terrible taking off/applying a penalty for one accidental lack of space.
The following isn’t mandatory to my knowledge, but I would have found it a bit better if it were a comma instead of a period. Commas are a pause, periods are concluding thoughts. That’s generally my rule of thumb.
Quote:Axorn thought angrily. Ho
Quote:”Axorn deliberately missed, the shot slamming into the wall of the fissure.”This is a complete sentence, where “slamming” could be “slammed” for tense consistency.
This part is more formatting/flow than puncuation, but I felt like this
Quote:He had now almost gotten into melee range. Shang attempted to use Axorn's move again, although this time, he accidentally set it to the wrong temperature, giving Axorn nothing more than a screen with which he would abuse.could have been a new paragraph, or was meant to but something changed. It wasn’t off-putting,
Total Score: 13
Shang
"Description and Clarity: 4
Quote:Dirty, singed fingers clutched at the now hot piece of compressed carbon, and with a grunt, Shang ripped the jagged stone from his arm just as it exploded into a giant cloud of burning gas. A wave of heat washed over the man as he was thrown backwards by the flash-bang of force that erupted from the enchanted crystal.This part, right after your “hook” was very well done, I liked the subtle use of every action and adjective, and I felt like everything was purposeful.
Quote:Axorn rushed forward behind the force of his flapping wings. The great sword he held in his hand cleaved through the air and smashed down onto the stone barricadeGreat word choice.
Quote:No gusts of fire came blazing toward the battered man, who likewise clutched onto his sword as if it was the last thing he owned.Subtle, but well done. Strong ending really showed the power of both the subtle start and the substantial finish.
With no fanfare or bombast, the two dashed across the remaining distance between themselves. Jian and gunblade met with a grating hiss as sparks rained down on the warriors once more. After a second clash of steel off to their sides, the pair broke apart and retaliated with fiery projectiles. Flamethrower burst met flaming skull in a deafening boom of heat and light that staggered not only the pair of warriors but most of the people intently following the confrontation.
The vivid action and description you offer to the settings and movement of Shang and Axorn give your words a very intriguing aspect, as well as show your skill at word usage, and fluent consistency.
Hmm. In order to better yourself in the future, I would suggest slowing down the sentence in your head, so that you might visualize it all the more. Keep doing what you are doing, I enjoy the adjectives you used, and I also enjoyed the motion I felt was delivered in some of the attacks and movements. Your acute incorporation with setting helps make the entire battle feel more real to the reader.
Voice: 4
Quote:With a carefully controlled thud and a puff of dust, the dragon-man hit the earth. A lunge took him behind one of the stone barricades, leaving Shang Tsung alone in the open.Immersive. You had a strong start, and kept the momentum of the post flowing.
Quote:Sparks danced into the air with every jarring clash of steel upon steel.Nice flow and just was a rich sentence.
Quote: In the stands up above, the audience roared with approval as the two warriors dragged their battered, beleaguered bodies up off the blood-stained dirt. With many of the other fights concluded or near their end, many of the spectators craned their necks to see the lethal dance between the sorcerer and the dragon-man.This just made for excellent flavor, and I loved it.
You did above average in this category, and I felt like you did a very nice job pronouncing your voice / writing style during the fight.
Character: 2.5
Quote:Despite his size and bulk, Axorn had no problem adjusting his stance and maneuvering, even as Shang tried to assail him with a quick flurry of short, rapid swipes and thrusts. On the other hand, the draconian found himself equally intrigued at how the seemingly small-framed human withstood the powerful swings that came raining down at him from all directions.This was an awesome -and much needed- bit to get a little description on both of the participating characters. Of course I want to know who is fighting who! Letting the story unfold from there was nice too, as you let the reader figure them out for themselves, even based on consistent fighting style, both characters have such great amount of strength, and yet, they express it so contrastingly different.
Quote:apparently stunned foe. As the half-dragon moved to the edge, he caught a glimpse of the smile on Shang’s face as the sorcerer’s mouth fell away.This was a great description as well. It really leads into the next post.
Now, you’re probably looking at your score, and narrowing your eyes, determined with ferocious(?) passion, however, I would like to mention, while Shang is a great character, I didn’t get the best impression here until the second half of the fight (consistency is an aspect that I eyed, but not negatively). There wasn’t much prioritized (until again, the second half), and I felt like while he has some very creative and identifiable moves, Shang’s dialogue could have been expressed in a more certain, and stronger way. And I felt like this would have enhanced the fight, and his character’s outward description.
Impressions are important, and so are first impressions. During Magus’s fight, I enjoyed the witty banter their characters used because I felt it was engaging. Personally I think it bettered each of their battle scores because I felt like the punches were right there with the retorts! Yours was good, however it came off a bit less confident because perhaps you weren’t entirely familiar with the character. This is understandable, stay communicating with your partner, and your imagination. Don’t be afraid to let loose a bit, from the noose.
While I got an okay idea of Shang from the fight, I wanted to know what he was fighting for, or at least, if his will to win was strong, and your writing lens helped my intrigue lace and tie the strings...
Quote:“Round Three. Fight!->
With a manic grin, Shang charged his adversary.”
You started to get the mojo after a bit of a delay, and well, it blazed with an intense effect on the reader.
Quote:”“Enough of them,” Shang replied as he extended an empty palm toward his foe. The dragon watched as something slipped free from the backside of the sorcerer’s boot and floated up into his outstretched hand. With a blood-laced smile, Shang closed his fingers around the handgun’s grip and fired off a quick succession of shots. The massive, soulfire-infused bullets erupted from the barrel of the weapon and left streaks of green in the air as they screamed toward their target.”
For the future, I think some subtleties that might acutely enhance Shang’s outward appearance/how he is interpreted, not from Shang at all, but other’s reaction to some of the above examples of his kind of fiery, soul-eating evil.
Foils make characters look better, and well, so do screaming secondaries. Honestly, I find Shang very intriguing, but this fight didn’t entice/stun me explosively. (And it wasn't because I had a preconceived notion of him ahead of time, I think that during fighting, a character has a little more room to stretch what they are capable of.)
For the future, I want to see you put just a tad more effort into this category because I know you can do it... *Spoiler,* See you next round.
Story: 3.5
Quote:Forty feet away, Shang spun and lunged, trying to escape the flames as they poured over him. Despite his injury-diminished dexterity, the sorcerer was able to avoid taking the blast entirely, but enough of it caught his abdomen and legs to shatter his dive. Crying out in agony, Shang hit the ground hard on his right shoulder and rolled for a few more yards before coming to a stop. The only solace for the sorcerer was the fact that his adversary was likewise doubled over in pain, with a clawed hand clutched over a bruised, scorched wound on his chest.I felt the desperation. I felt the drive -a bit later- I felt some emotions that weren’t necessarily included, yet, couldn’t help creeping over me. Pain, desperation, desire, and power. All of these make up the character’s composure, and help make the story by creating emotional edge. I liked what you did with this, and steadily built on this as it came along.
Stories should have a good climbing pace, they should be gradual, and sometimes they can be almost barely noticeable, however, when distinguished, there is strength evoked through raw emotion.
Quote:Lurching backwards, Shang fought to maintain his balance as his knees threatened to buckle beneath him. From the smog and ash cloud before him, a thundering red mass cleaved through and slammed into him. The sorcerer hit the ground with enough force to drive the air from his lungs, and even if he had the time to breath in, the thunderous blows from Axorn would have stalled his efforts anyway. Scaled fists crashed into his chest and face, mashing bone and tearing at flesh with hapless abandon before the sorcerer managed to halfheartedly shield his face using his forearms.Action was maintained throughout the story and seemed to have an impact on the character, giving it a bit more reverence and making it more potent to the reader’s eyes.
Quote:A scowl spread across Axorn’s visage as Shang once more rose to a standing position. Although nearly half of the sorcerer’s visage was little more than a mound of bruised flesh, it was clear that the resolve hadn’t left the former monk.This part showed a very finite, strong effect on the reader.
Finally,
Quote:Wings flared in an effort to stop his momentum, but the sorcerer had already closed the distance. A flash of white preceded a flare of pain as one of the arm blade sank into the draconian’s shoulder. Before the other could find his heart, Axorn closed a giant fist around the organic blade and used his shrinking reservoir of might to keep it from its mark.Your finish was very well done. I didn't have much to incorporate this round, but I was more left reflecting on the entire scape of the story.
One way or another, something was going to give.
For the future, I suggest taking a sentence or two to tell the reader or show them some of the growth between Shang and the challenger's growth (which you occasionally did) however softly hinting to the audience about things they may not have caught from Shang's perspective would enhance the read for the audience.
Lastly, don't be afraid to emphasize a little of the goings on in Shang's head, or something else that might better detail the events occurring around him. The action had a good pace from both the characters, but I felt like something was missing in this category. A touch of ... "drama" in the right place won't overpower the structure and combination of the story, but might add more relevance to it.
Grammar and Spelling: 4.5
I can tell you edited and put quite a few proofreads into your post. While I'm reluctant to give out fives, I think your effort shows, because I didn't have to change anything, nor was I snagged back by that one untraceable PHANTOM comma. Anyway you did nicely in this category.
Quote:yawning crack in the earth that he had to change plans.THIS ISN’T AN ERROR, but I might have gone with “he had to change his plan.” cleans it up a little, but I know all about that 750, straight-up.
Total Score: 18.5
Winner, Shang Tsung!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-25-2015
Round 1, Group A - Desco vs Mami Tomoe
Desco
Description & Clarity: 2
You had a lot of good word choice, and the details you showed us were good! It was easy to see how Desco was operating and moving.
Watch out for word repetition.
Quote:The young final boss was led into the area and to her designated portion of the arena.
Quote: Desco stood on her tail which slithered out from her dress and propped her up on the dusty dirt, increasing her height while Yogsothoth materialized with his many yellow eyes and tentacles. Yogsothoth floated silently behind her in battle ready mode with his tentacles waving back and forth.It continues on like that throughout the posts, often repeating the same word even in the same sentence. Just try to find ways to write around that and you’re writing quality will shoot up dramatically. Use as many online thesauruses as you can find to help you out.
Also, take some time and really try to figure out your word choices in every sentence. It got a little clunky here and there.
Quote: However, now that she was here, she considered the fight that was about to begin and she shunted out the audience or the noise they made.If you liked the word, how else could you have written it to flow with the sentence in a more organic way? I found myself rereading this one to get your meaning.
You also did a lot of “Telling” and not enough “Showing” with your writing. You told the reader exactly what was happening and why as opposed to letting us infer it. Here’s the best example I can find:
Quote: The gong sounded throughout the arena. It was time to start the fight!The reader probably understands that the ringing of the gong indicates the start of a fight, so outright telling us probably isn’t needed.
For specifics on what to show, think about the sensory details that INFER what an action means. For example:
Quote:The gong rang, and the eldritch creature’s tentacles flexed excitedly.Even if the reader had no idea that the gong started the fight, they would know that something was about to happen.
Voice: 2
I feel like some of your work became a bit procedural, and because of that it lacked a really vibrant personality that the reader could really pick up on. You certainly weren’t absent from your writing, but I couldn’t get a great feeling for who you or the character was either.
Finding you own, unique writing style is sometimes a matter of just doing it for a long time and refining down what you really think if great. Being critical of your work in a healthy, productive way is the best way that you can pare down and refine who and what you want to be in your writing, so I suggest you spend as much time as possible just getting comfortable with your own writing.
Character: 2
I really like the Desco character. It’s a really interesting concept, and I like where you’ve taken the character. There’s a lot of good stuff that’s built right in to her, and I think she can go really far.
However, this section isn’t really effected by how much I personally like a character concept, it’s influenced by how you take that character concept and introduce it into the meat of the story. I didn’t really get a great sense of who Desco was, nor did I really see any defining moments that allowed the character to shine through.
The short exchange you had in your second post was the best show of character you had, and with it there was a good bit of dialogue, which is usually a pretty reliable way of getting your character’s thoughts and feelings across without having to outright tell us what they are.
However, that wasn’t my favorite part. It was the part when Desco went to land on the barricade and slipped, being forced to catch herself with the levitation. It was a SMALL detail that showed us the character through her actions as opposed to her words or exposition. It gave a glimpse into her clumsiness, and beside her dramatic speech, it gave us a juxtaposition to really understand who she is as opposed to who she believes herself to be. It’s a
I think that you can really find a good balance with Desco, you just have to read over some other methods of putting character into the story to get a better idea of how it might apply to you.
Story: 2
You had some fun back and forths, and I really appreciated the way you used interesting combinations of her powers to create a mixed and dynamic effect each time.
I think the biggest place where the story suffered was the lack of interplay between the character’s personalities, and the fact that it was just nonstop, almost emotionless battle. When we just see two people beating the crap out of each other without a lot of compelling personal and emotional details, it’s very easy to get disinterested.
Try to create more dynamic situations where you give yourself problems and find interesting solutions to those problems (you’ve begun to do that, but push it even a little more), and then incorporate more things to make the conflict personally important (or not important) to create tension.
If it’s just getting hammered with action, it’s very easy for there to be a lack of tension and rhythm in your writing, so remember to use the narrative to command our attention for high and low spots.
Grammar: 2
Watch your sentence length, restructuring to use more commas or to break sentences into shorter ones will make them flow more naturally.
Quote: Desco stood on her tail which slithered out from her dress and propped her up on the dusty dirt, increasing her height while Yogsothoth materialized with his many yellow eyes and tentacles.
Here’s an example of writing that takes advantage of sentence length, commas and sentence length can impact how your reader is moving through your story:
Quote:“This sentence has five words. Here are five more words. Five-word sentences are fine. But several together become monotonous. Listen to what is happening. The writing is getting boring. The sound of it drones. It’s like a stuck record. The ear demands some variety.Do you see how the change in length, in comma usage, and overall structure creates an internal monologue that fits with the scene? Try to keep these elements in mind when you’re forming your sentences and paragraphs.
Now listen. I vary the sentence length, and I create music. Music. The writing sings. It has a pleasant rhythm, a lilt, a harmony. I use short sentences. And I use sentences of medium length. And sometimes, when I am certain the reader is rested, I will engage him with a sentence of considerable length, a sentence that burns with energy and builds with all the impetus of a crescendo, the roll of the drums, the crash of the cymbals–sounds that say listen to this, it is important.”
― Gary Provost
A lot of your paragraphs were a bit blocky, which also interfered with the reader’s flow of the words.
TOTAL: 10
1 MISSING/LATE POST: x2/3
Total: 6.7
Mami Tomoe
Description & Clarity: 3
You used a lot of good descriptive detail in your posts. It felt fun, light, and springy as I read through your posts.
I think the thing that I disliked the most about your writing was the amount of sheer exposition. There was barely any time in your posts for something to happen because your internal monologue was so protracted into everything that was going on. Now, that’s not to say that you should alter your style entirely, or that the exposition didn’t give me a good understanding of the character, but the amount of it really held you back.
A bit of exposition that LIFTS and SUPPORTS action is more something that I think you should aim for. During an action, during a movement or a move or a blow, support it with memories or thoughts.
I’ve said it a million times before, and I’ll say it again: “Show, don’t Tell.” SHOW us, through the sensations of the scene and the character, what is going on in their head. SHOW us how they feel, how they are moving, what they are doing. Give us the character’s world as though we were watching it through a lens, not as though we had access to their every thought and intention. We’ll figure out what they want if you imply it as opposed to handing it to us.
Voice: 2
Mami is starting to really round out, and it’s beginning to bleed into your Voice. You’re almost there, and I think with a bit more attention to showing and not telling will give you the sdpace you need to really flaunt your own personal style and let Mami bleed through your words.
Character: 3
Your characterization was pretty strong throughout your writing. I really do feel like you used the character to progress the storyline and make the narrative more engaging, which is a good thing.
Again, I feel like if we saw more about Mami as opposed to hearing about her, we’d have a better image of the character. I do think the internal monologue and the details you provided about her inner life really helped you establish who she was, but without a really prominent vision of her tics and her little actions, it’s hard to say that you absolutely blew this section out of the water.
Story: 2
You used the way that your opponent moved and thought as a way to drive the story, which was good. You showed us a dynamic fight scene that was more than two people pounding heads together, which was good.
I think that having more valleys and peaks in your action, and giving us some more creative and complex solutions to problems that you and the other writer come up with.
For example, when Desco used her super move, you really built up for it, and then came up with a fairly interesting solution, but then the ending clash seemed really anticlimactic. It’s hard for me to even tell what effect the super move had on Mami, and that certainly didn’t leave me with a great feeling after an entire post of build-up.
Grammar: 3
You have a good understanding of when and where to break a paragraph off, which is something that a lot of folks have a really, really hard time with. Most of your punctuation was good and I didn’t notice very many spelling errors.
I gotta say that I really disliked the embedded quotes in the middle of the text. It really broke the flow of the read and snapped be out of the moment every time it popped up, and I would strongly advise you to move them to the bottom of the post in the future.
There were also a few editing errors here and there, like this capitalization after an ellipsis:
Quote:From closer observation, the... Creature, perhaps, seemed hardly different from a Familiar, with a more peculiar, petite and feminine look. Perhaps handling her like one would be wise.An ellipsis (the “…” symbol) indicates that a sentence has paused, and will continue at a later time. That means you don’t need to capitalize because you’re still mid-sentence.
Also look out for run-ons and sentence structure.
Quote: The Magical Girl summoned as many muskets as she could manage without struggling, which meant six on either side, then she jumped and summoned Tiro.That would have probably done better as two distinct sentences rather than one long one.
Total: 13
WINNER: MAMI
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-26-2015
Yu Kanda VS Ms. Marvel
Yu Kanda
Description and Clarity: 2.5 - For the most part, You descriptions of events and characters was well rounded most of the time. I rather enjoyed the way you depicted the characters movements, reactions and thoughts.
I really enjoyed this little section, and I could really feel Kanda’s determination through your word choices.
Quote:"You may be an Avenger with strong resolve, but this will end with you and your fucked up ideals buried deep underneath this arena-floor. I am an Exorcist, we don't avenge, we're not saviors, we are -destroyers-", Kanda's voice started to roar loudly towards the masked woman, "and my body won't give in until I see both your spirit crushed and your body demolished !"
However, this isn’t to say it was perfect. You did have some rather clunky descriptions of some of these events that could be touched up and looked over again. An example of this being;
Quote:He twisted his hip, turning the blade away from her hand, spinning 360 degrees and striking the woman in her neck with the back of his blade. The attack sent her crashing down into the dirt covered arena floor.
It’s not badly worded, but it just seems rather clunky (to me at least). If I were to re-write this, I would write something like;
“Kanda twisted his hip, turning the blade away from her hand and forcing himself into a 360 spin. The Exorcist then lashed out with the back-side of his blade, striking her neck as he did so. His attack had sent his female opponent crashing into the dirt covered arena floor below them.”
Wording and minor clunkiness aside, you did well to describe the actual interactions between the two Primes. Both the physical and verbal interactions that were shared between the two characters were almost always compelling me to continue reading. But it also gave me a little more insight into what Kanda feels while he is in battle. But this is not the only thing that matters in a fight. I found myself wanting more of a description of the actual battlefield itself. Describing how the two characters react to each other is all well and good, but including reactions the the field around them is what would improve on this. It wasn’t until the last couple of posts that we saw the actual area coming into play (besides the occasional reference to debris and the spectators watching the fight).
Voice: 2 - Quite often you fell into quick pacing, rushing Kanda’s movements towards his opponent, and this is understandable as these fights are generally quick and short. But it really just rushes past a lot of chances to really get a feel for your Voice. That being said, You do manage to describe Kanda’s actions in a way that outlines his determination and perseverance, and I think this is a huge step towards developing the voice of your writing style.
Character: 3 - Kanda’s most compelling moments often happen when he is speaking. I really get a feel for who your character is through his own words. I feel the emotion in his voice when he speaks. Especially when he’s trying so hard to stay on top. On top of this, you do well in describing how Kanda feels outside of his dialogue as well. Although these points often seemed to be outnumbered, I do feel these moments are often the most compelling parts of your posts and their quality is more than enough to earn you a 3 in this category.
Unfortunately, I feel like Kanda falls into that stereotype of ‘I must win to prove that I am the best.’. This is all well and good, and can provide a lot of interesting characterization to a piece of writing. But at the same time, I think it’s overdone. Remember this, your character is your own in the Omniverse. You should try to develop Kanda beyond his original world’s beliefs and I think it would benefit you character to display how the Omniverse has changed him.
Story: 2.5 - Showing me the ways Kanda could use his sword was fantastic, but that was all he did. And, apart from the use of a super move, I feel like the story was lacking anything other than the use of his sword. I know that it’s his main weapon, but throwing in some punches and kicks, maybe even disarming him and having him need to retrieve his sword would have been nice.
Grammar & Spelling: 3 - I didn’t really see many spelling mistakes, apart from a few words that didn’t have spacing between them, but that was literally 2 or 3 instances throughout 3 posts. You did, however, have a fair amount wording that I looked over a second or third time because of missing commas. However, I feel as though this didn’t weigh your posts down as much as it could have.
Total = 13
Ms. Marvel
Description and Clarity: 2.5 - You did well to describe both the actions of Ms. Marvel and her opponent Yu Kanda. However, I feel like you tried to be a little too descriptive and diverse with your words. I often found myself looking up some of the words in your posts just to make sure they were being used in the right context. I found myself wondering if you were trying to use as many diverse words as possible. Diversity in word choice is great, but too diverse with wording and it can become hard to find clarity in it all.
I also think that you had the same problem as Yu Kanda, you both loved describing the interactions between the two combatants, but you really left me wanting to see more of the actual arena around them. You seemed to try to describe more of the arena in some of your later posts, but this was heavily outweighed for me over all.
Voice: 3 - I really got a feel for your writing style here, admittedly I felt like I was reading a sasuke post, but that’s only because I’ve known you as sasuke for such a long time (and I did not let that take away from the score at all as that was just my bias on the writer). You didn’t seem to move too fast or too slow with your writing, and I could really get a feel for how you like to write.
I know that seems like a vague way of putting things, but that’s all I can really say to describe my view on this. Sorry.
Character: 3 - This - for the most part - is pretty much the same as Kanda. Ms. Marvel’s most character building moments was her dialogue. You both seem to really like showing me how your characters feel through their literal voice. I found this part really compelling and the dialogue really made me want to continue reading. However, you did have a few parts within the non dialogue sections that were really character building. One such example being;
Quote:The space surrounding the female Avenger began to quake, distort, and pulsate as a golden aura violently lashed out, expanding in all directions, and charged the air with electric like properties that erupted with an explosion of Ms. Marvel’s intent.
This part, specifically, displayed a strength that is not usually seen within a lot of female characters. They are often seen as a supporting role and I really enjoyed seeing you bring out her strength.
Story: 2.5 - You did a lot of things well, the way you pushed your character against all of Kanda’s assaults and the way you used Ms. Marvel’s limited moveset really helped push the story along. But it was still sort of repetitive, seeing the same move over and over again. However, I didn’t let that take away much from the score.
The biggest downfall to your posts was the frequency of which I felt as though you were reiterating Kanda’s posts. Sure, it’s great to have your character’s reaction the the events that happened in the previous post, each writer has a unique way of depicting things. But, at the same time, I’ve already seen what has happened in the previous post. Recapping is good, but you should try to make this as minimal as possible, to avoid stalling within the post and to help the story progression.
Spelling & Grammar: 3 - Not too much to say about this. there were a few tough to read parts because of grammar, but nothing too major. The thing that took away from this was the frequently misspelled word ‘Colosseum’. You spelled it ‘Coliseum’ and this was present within two of your three posts. Considering the word is literally in the thread name, I’m considering this as something that could have easily been avoided, but wasn’t. On top of this, there were a few words that didn’t need to be there.
Quote:The mid-day sky, beset with an overbearing, bastard, ball of fire, cast its radiant illumination down upon the tall, sweeping archways of the coliseum.instead of radiant Illumination, you could have just said something like ‘radiant light’. Illumination really wasn’t needed. But over all, this area was pretty good.
Total = 14
The winner is Ms. Marvel
Note: You both did a great job and I really enjoyed the fight!
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-26-2015
Stream of Consciousness
[spoiler]Gildarts 1
Commas? I feel like there are a lot of sentences that need some of them.
Gladiator-esque is a fun word. I think I would have preferred a quick blurb rather than a catch-all term, though.
“The scent of blood nibbled at his nose and his senses grew muddled with the incessant crackling of distant fans. The honor he bore so openly on his chest now tangled with nerves that weighed heavy on his mind.” <- Really enjoyed this line.
“Every time he fought, it was with purpose, to prove them wrong.” I liked what you were going for her, but the sentence felt off. It’s like, my eyes knew what I was reading but it took my brain a moment to process the sentence. Maybe an em-dash (—) instead of a comma. They serve the same grammatical function, but there’s just a certain degree of ‘uumph!’ when your eyes are led directly to what should be a powerful conclusion by a straight line, rather than dropping down to glance at a comma.
“A gong was bashed and radiated with sound.” I didn’t like this sentence or its placement. It just felt thrown in at the end of a stare-off. And I mean, I know the gong makes a noise when it’s hit, so I guess if you wanted to include that, maybe add a splash more onto that.
The force tore (rived) her shift apart?! That’s some intense force.
“The snout of her weapon aimed at Gildarts, and it didn’t take long for her finger to find the trigger. Bullets shredded into the air and the cascade of their thunder followed.” Here is an example of where I wasn’t a fan of a sentence (it just seemed very drawn out for what I perceived as a quick, almost staccato motion), and then the sentence that followed it was absolute gold.
“He winced and a hand reached as though to clear away the stinging, yet though the veteran could not see, not a moment of his focus detached from her growing footsteps.” This is a whole lot of sentence that I somewhat stumbled through.
“Immediately, the woman recoiled at the immense force and her fingers went numb just long enough for her grip to loosen from the hammer, it was flung aside.” Again, I really like the imagery in this sentence, but it’s just a whole lot of sentence.
If you noticed, the majority of your paragraphs (at least on my screen) are four lines long. Then you have a seven, and then you have a five and a two. It might not be something major, but you might want to experiment a little with paragraph sizes. I try (the key word is try) to use stuff like paragraph size and shape to enhance the ebb and flow of a post, and it’s a trick I’d recommend anyone practice.
---
Bandit 1
“A jolt of fear stabbed through the bandit as she marveled at his durability, and her hesitation took a moment too many.” – I liked this little line for the insight it gives into the character. Although outwardly savage, it’s obvious she isn’t completely savage on the inside (although I guess I still have more to read)
“Slowing to a stop, her nose caught the sweet scent of diesel and her attention fell upon her lost sledgehammer.” – I would have yelled at you, had you not made some mention of smells.
“The woman snatched the tape-wrapped haft and slowly stood, not allowing her eyes to leave her opponent, and hefted her trophy weapon up onto her shoulder.” – You guys are both really alike. You both like these large, complex sentences. Sometimes I enjoy them, and then there are other times where they’re just a whole lot of sentence.
Ahhh, she light a cigarette with her giant, fire-breathing hammer. *Shia Labeauf clap*
“The twin shockwaves exploded in almost equal potency, the flaring white of Gildarts’ Parry intertwining with the combusting orange conflagration of Sledge’s Hammer. The forms within seemed nothing more than silhouettes in the light of the eruption before they were each flung in opposite directions.” – Lovely image.
“Careening across the arena, ash trailing her, the bandit slammed into the edge of the stone rampart, a few bricks crumbling down as she spiraled onward.” – I know this is grammatically correct, but I also wound up stumbling through the last segment.
“Scrambling to her feet, the bandit stumbled towards the center of the ring, sky swirling overhead, vision twisting with every step. Staggering along, she couldn’t help but stop, lean on a post, and puke her brains out. As she rested, heaving for breath, she saw the tip of a shoe peeking out from behind a chunk of stone.” – After writing my own fight filled with excessive blood, it was nice to see some vomit. I also appreciated that third comma in that sequence of actions.
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Gildarts 2
“The cringeworthy crunch of bone and muscle mashed sickeningly together in her ears.” A lot of adverbs in here, but I like the imagery, even if it took me a moment after this sentence to realize this was the Bandit’s perspective.
“Meanwhile, the invisible punch still throbbed at her jaw, there was a never-ending pitch in her ears, and the bandit could only hold her head to steady the damage done.” – Look at that perfect list of items and commas and visual imagery. Good stuff.
“It had been where the hammer and his magic ignited, he now couldn’t feel anything other than the stabbing of spear shrapnel that clung, embedded deep into his inside” - I’m aware that this is certainly grammatically correct, but I’ll be danged if I wouldn’t have just made two separate sentences.
“Specks of crimson rain trailed on the ground, he clenched his side and his face wore an expression of weary torment. Another step delivered him right into the bandit’s crosshairs. He had blown her to the other side of the coliseum! But the distance gave her an advantage, now, she didn’t have to be close to hit him. A greasy smile spread across her bruised lips as she whispered so silently, so surely, “You’re mine.” – I may have read this wrong, but I wasn’t huge on the blending of perspective (or at least that’s how I perceived it). We have Gildarts walking and clutching. Then an exclamatory remark (I like seeing an exclamation point, although it felt weird hidden in the middle of this paragraph). Then we have the bandit sizing up a shot and speaking.
“And she kept firing.” – Lovely use of italics. This and the description of the wounds was brilliant imagery.
“The earth below his feet cackled as his energy was unleashed.” – I don’t know if I like the word cackled here, even if I knew what you were trying to do with it.
“Glowing eyes slanted in malevolent crimson diamonds. The cape flickered behind him, sawing vehemently against the newfound wind.” – Really loved the cape description, but I spent too much time trying to process the first part. I know you were trying to say they were sparkling and red, but I just couldn’t figure out what ‘slanted’ was in the context? Just how the diamonds in this metaphor are sideways (which is what it would take for it too look like eyes?)
“Whether it was intentional, or fully out of the churning fear that grew in her stomach, no one would know, as Gildarts reached for the gun and held it in his hands before applying enough force with his hands to break it in two.” – A lot of sentence
“The weapon, seemingly a pesky annoyance for the magical guy with bullshit powers, was tossed aside after a notable crack could be seen forming in the blackened steel snout.” – I reread this and laughed after recalling bandit’s previous post.
Bandit 2
Gildarts is really channeling his inner Goku. Being all (seemingly) overpowered and all like ‘U weak, give up, yo. Or I beat u up.’
“Her brown eyes locked onto the burning slits in the shadow, her defiant stare refusing to diminish even as he crushed the life out of her. “Heh,” she choked, a bloody grin splitting her mask of paint, “I was kinda hoping you’d ‘force’ me to use this.” – Now I picture Gildarts having like, stereotypical slanty evil eyes.
“I was kinda hoping you’d ‘force’ me to use this.” – I added sarcastic air quotes as I read this. I hope that was the intended effect.
“A blaze split the earth, sputtering red licked out from the cracks of the fissure before a pulse of harnessed horsepower shattered the ground below Gildarts’ feet, blowing his up and away in a swath of fire. /// Gildarts released his opponent as he stumbled backwards over the collapsing earth, quickly regaining his footing in the broad crater that had formed underneath him.” – At first, I read this as Gildarts being hurled up into the air by another explosion. The next sentence led me to believe that it was more so a chunk of the earth shooting up? Either way, I got a little confused.
“The glowing red things that were once his eyes searched the area and found the wily desert-dweller already as far away as one of the tall stone barricades that dotted the battlefield.” – I think I get the metaphor you were going for in your previous post, Sam. Also, now I just see Wil E Coyote. I hope this ends with anvils.
“to the problem of abject horseshit that now persecuted her.” – Ahahahahaahaha
“The ground split as Gildarts trod forward, air crackling with lightning at the very presence of his power. Finding himself before the obstacle, he planted both hands on the wall and a white light shined from within it, a gleaming grid forming over its surface that quickly grew brighter. With a flash, the barricade exploded into a series of tiny hexahedrons, scattering into the air and crumbling before him like so many children’s playthings.” – This is probably my favorite paragraph you’ve wrote thus far.
“A thunderous CLANG rang out as the hammer impacted the weapon” – More curious than anything why you didn’t decide to italicize the onomatopoeia
…Jesus, she lost her arm. And here I was two posts ago remarking about not seeing much blood. lol
---
Gildarts 3
I am curious if the arm thing was something Frisco ran passed you or just threw on your lap. Gildarts is obviously not a dude to go ripping or hacking off limbs, so I can imagine it could have been planned as a curveball.
Nah, scratch that. Gildarts’ like ‘WHATEVER YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF.’
“He could still feel the distant tingle of his fingertips, and now, she would be like him. He had overestimated himself then, and today, he had overestimated her.” – This sentence is a veritable sea of pronouns, but I still love it.
“Air splashed into her lungs, but not fast enough. Bandit howled as her other, gravel-caked hand met the warm, juicy blood that poured from her bicep. Her blood-chilling caterwaul quickly filled the arena, prickling even the villains in the audience who had half a heart. Dry gulps forced down her throat in a vain attempt to swallow the profound pain. She could not set aside the endless inferno of her suffering, and she was drowning in it.” – And this is the best paragraph YOU have written in this fight thus far. Holy crap.
“Their skin became pale and flushed; both had lost blood, both seemed to have been hit with the savage blow of unearthly revelation, and both seemed to be standing on their last leg, each of their endurance trickling where it had once flowed in the whirling streams of combat.” – A lovely (grammatically correct) sentence, although part of me feels like it could have ended after leg.
“Salty sweat” – I know you love images and want to plug in some notion of the various senses, but I did kind of chuckle at this, because I’ve never known sweat to be anything but salty. I did like the part that followed.
As my students would say after reading the part where Gildarts tears off his own (fake) arm: “That ***** savage!”
---
Bandit 3
Your use of such lovely dialogue makes me yearn for a type of ‘fuck you, fuck YOU, fuck all of you’ type of character that can just shout things like ‘You limbless fuck’ and it is completely in line with who she or he is. Oh and then it gets followed with her getting cold-cocked in the face.
You guys have such fun vocabularies. I’m pretty sure no other fight would have used the word caterwaul not once, but twice.
What a cool exchange. To have them just so viciously try and destroy one another to them just like, agreeing not to go the entire way and murder-kill. Really liked it.
Even though I knew you wrote it, I still chuckled at the ‘Stop Hitting Yourself’ line
Also a very fabulous close. People always yearn to have the very first post, but I’m a fan of having the last post… especially when you can end on such a powerful note.[/spoiler]
Score Card
I apologize, as I’m sure that many of the categories may have bled over in my head.
Gildarts
"Description and Clarity:
3 – I really like your work, and I think you do a very great job at scene-crafting. I do think there’s still room for improvement in this area. You like a lot of metaphors/similies and creating very vivid imagery. But for me (and I hope I highlighted enough examples above), it was a little hit-and-miss at times. Pick your moments. Overall above average compared to our peers, though.
Voice:
3 – My main thing here is to work on your pacing. By that I mean, mix it up. I’m going to probably repeat this same thing on Bandit’s card, but I felt like I was reading ‘Duel of the Long, Flowery (and yes, well-written) Sentences.’ There’s nothing wrong with that, because the writing was solid, but personally I’m someone who likes to see shifts and breaks. You had some of them, but they were drowned out among the other stuff. Experiment. Play around with paragraph breaks and paragraph sizes.
Character:
3 – Gildarts is pretty beastly. He’s like a giant magic rock in a sea of silliness, whether that’s in DA or in this fight. My issue is that… it kind of felt like he was just soldiering through events. Bandit became this rabid machine of a woman as the fight wore on, but aside from when he went full-on Broly ‘Power Level Maximum,’ I had a hard time connecting with Gildarts. You did a good job of capturing his injuries in that final post, but while you described it very well, I didn’t really feel with him. I mean, the dude was clearly well enough (or loco enough, maybe?) to tear off his own arm.
Story:
2.5 - You do a great job of progressing the story, matching the escalating violence with even more violence. I do, however, think you may have taken the short-end of the stick with a few of the story progressions. It felt like, on many occasions, you were reacting to the fallout from bandit posts, and in the cases where you could have spun the momentum your way (like Gildarts de-arming himself), you placed that near the end of your post, where bandit grabbed the ball and ran with it. Another interesting thing is that the majority of the dialogue you wrote was for the other character. Part of this might be that bandit is chattier than Gildarts but still. This isn’t to say that you didn’t craft a nice story, but to me, it felt like you were the junior partner.
Grammar and Spelling:
3.5 – You have no typos, but I’d keep an eye on commas. Just because word or google drive says you don’t need one doesn’t mean you don’t need one (I made that sentence grammar poor on purpose, because I’m a funny guy). Otherwise you have better control over this category than many members.
Total = 15
Bandit
"Description and Clarity:
3 – Solid. I did kind of fumble through a few of the set-pieces, because I have a tendency to read things out loud and verbatim. So I tend to stagger to the end of very long sentences. In terms of the description, you were solid. All the bloodshed and the detail of the various magical spells worked (oddly) somewhat more in your favor than the person actually using them.
Voice:
3 – This might be cheap, but I want to give you the same ‘advice’ I gave Gildarts. Try to experiment a little with how you structure sentences and paragraphs. You have a little more of that than she does, but I definitely think it’s something you could try and experiment with in the future.
Character:
3 – I have very little to go off of, but I still don’t feel like I’ve grasped the bandit. Don’t get me wrong, I like her and I like what I’m reading. But I’m still trying to process whether or not she’s some sort of sociopath or something else. Bear in mind, this fight is my sample size (plus the short conversations on the topic we’ve had on skype). I was kind of amused at the juxtaposition between being cordial and almost knightly and the grotesque violence that bookended the exchange in the final post. In a weird way, it will hook me in the long-term, but I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel about bandit. I don’t hate her, but it’s not like I have any reason to like her.
Story:
4 – I stated this in Gildart’s scorecard, but I felt like you (your writing) controlled much of the tempo of this fight (and thus, the story). Aside from having to cope with the Tier 2, I felt like your posts directed much of the action. Even when bandit wasn’t being written by you, it still felt like she was in control of the story. On top of that, I felt like bandit’s ‘arc’ was the more compelling of the two, even if I’m conflicted and confused about her character (for now, I’m sure). How would anyone in that audience not want to cheer for that woman?
Grammar and Spelling:
4 – Solid. I think I maybe caught a handful of moments where punctuation was weird, but at the end of the day I’m not comfortable enough with my own editorial skills to give you a 5, as I’m sure a professional editor would have a keener eye than me. I hope that’s understandable.
Total = 17
Winner is Bandit with No Name
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 10-26-2015
Jak Mar v Dante
Ok folks, this is gonna be the raw scores so that I can get the post OUT. I have read and really mulled over the fight, but have yet to have the time to really give some great C&C.
I will post in the thread to inform you when the card is filled out with your C&C!!
Thank you for your continued patience.
Jak Mar
Description & Clarity: 1
Before I start out: needing improvement in this category doesn’t mean you did everything wrong. Far from it. You have a LOT of strong foundational skills in your writing that other members could really learn from and admire. There are places that you definitely need to improve, but as person that’s still revving up and learning the craft, you have a lot of the ground-floor skills handled.
First off: your use of “Show, don’t tell,” is better than a lot of the people who won their fights in the first round. You don’t cram exposition down our throats, and you aren’t tell us what we should feel or think about the character. You’re using character action and description to tell us how the character feels. KEEP DOING THIS. In fact do it some more. I would challenge yourself with this think that Strazio posted:
Strazio Rockwell Wrote:Here is an excerpt from one of Chuck Palahniuk's essays that really helped me improve.
Quote:In six seconds, you’ll hate me.
But in six months, you’ll be a better writer.
From this point forward – at least for the next half year – you may not use “thought” verbs. These include: Thinks, Knows, Understands, Realizes, Believes, Wants, Remembers, Imagines, Desires, and a hundred others you love to use.
The list should also include: Loves and Hates.
And it should include: Is and Has, but we’ll get to those, later.
Until some time around Christmas, you can’t write: Kenny wondered if Monica didn’t like him going out at night…”
Instead, you’ll have to Un-pack that to something like: “The mornings after Kenny had stayed out, beyond the last bus, until he’d had to bum a ride or pay for a cab and got home to find Monica faking sleep, faking because she never slept that quiet, those mornings, she’d only put her own cup of coffee in the microwave. Never his.”
Instead of characters knowing anything, you must now present the details that allow the reader to know them. Instead of a character wanting something, you must now describe the thing so that the reader wants it.
Thinking is abstract. Knowing and believing are intangible. Your story will always be stronger if you just show the physical actions and details of your characters and allow your reader to do the thinking and knowing. And loving and hating.
This challenge will ROCKET you above the competition. Do it. I challenge you to do it, formally. I’ll be watching, so let me know when there’s a post out you want me to look at.
Here’s something you can improve on that will bump this grade up at least one grade: WORD REPETITION. You repeat your words very, very heavily. Get either a physical or a digital thesaurus open and USE IT. When you repeat words, it comes across as stumbling and difficult to read. If you change up your word choice, you will definitely move ahead a TON.
Additionally, think of ways to write around outright naming a character who is taking action. You said “Jak,” a TON in your post. Think of some fun pseudonyms for him! You can even use a short and sweet description of your character to refer to him, or if you’re exclusively speaking about Jak in a paragraph, you can just swap in “he” on a lot of occasions. It’ll make the read a lot smoother.
Quote: ... ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!!!! cried Dark Jak in a loud, echoing scream.Avoid these kind of protracted onomatopoeias in your posts. Instead, when possible, describe the sound without outright spelling it out.
Voice: 2
I definitely knew it was you when I was reading this! There are a lot of aspects about your writing that, if improved, will automatically pull this category up. Improve your use of a thesaurus, focus on creating a solid character with unique word choice, and remember to do your sensation writing and this section will be improved.
Character: 2
I think your characterization of Jak is pretty good, man! I really enjoyed a lot of the moments where you took the opportunity to show us who he really was.
This was one of my more favorite “Jak Moments” in your second post:
Quote:Jak turned to Dante and frowned “I might not be who you think I am, pal.” The eco warrior felt his anger growing and the crowd gasped, some knew what Jak’s secret was but wasn’t willing to reveal it.
“Honestly, if you wanted a fair fight, I’d BE HAPPY TO OBLIGE! “
Dante seemed to be lifting a strange sword with a gruesome display of a ribcage and a skull on the sword and this didn’t… seem to unnerve Jak at all, instead it motivated Jak.[/quote]
You dealt with a little bit of his history, you SHOWED us a glimpse of his personality without having to tell us what it was or what it meant. More like this! Good work.
You’re doing a good job of showing and not telling us a ton about Jak, and I really, really, really, like that. It shows that you know what to do, and you have a fantastic foundation to grow on. Keep up with that.
I think that the only thing that’s holding you down right now is thinking about your character in more dimensions. What about his daily life? What about the small things? Little details about who and what the character is will help you bring this a lot further up.
This will definitely be a strong point of yours as you keep writing. I am really excited to see how you develop this part of your writing.
Story: 2
I enjoyed your transformation, and you managed to keep the fight fairly dynamic. I think that if there had been more more use of the terrain and a more dynamic use of both your and Dante’s powers, you could have bumped this up more.
Like, think about the moment when Jak kicked the Sand into Dante’s face. What could he have done with his guns or other moves? Could he have used the terrain in a creative way? Think about more than just shooting and taunting and you’ll move this category further.
Grammar: 1
I think this is one of the places you could improve most on. That’s not a bad thing, it’s just something to focus on to help you refine your craft.
You comma usage needs a bit of work. I suggest starting here and working your way out to the other Grammatical parts of your work.
Quote: The screams of each side was drowning out the gong ringing "RIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNG" A hint of guilt hit him in the back of his head.Here’s a good link on comma usage: <!-- m --><a class="postlink" href="https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/">https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/607/02/</a><!-- m -->
Also learning when and where to use double and single quotation marks would be a good place to look.
Quote: "Rebel scum..." "How dare you attack "King" Mar?"“’Rebel scum,’ how dare you attack, ‘King’ Mar?” Would be one way you could have written that sentence.
This sentence just has a few proofreading errors that a few read-throughs might have fixed.
Quote: Just as Jak said it, a fiery flash of Dark eco blasted out of the gun ahead of him and it headed toward the "Son of Spada. "
I would generally avoid putting OOC text mid-post, as it really breaks the reader’s flow through the story.
Quote: Jak used Peacemaker
1 SP Used/ 1/10 Shots used
In the same vein, always use a preiview post so you can catch tag errors:
[quote]
731 words 3899 characters[quote]
I think if you can get those elements under control, you’ll be leaps and bounds better than where you are now.
Total: 8
Dante
Description & Clarity: 2
Voice: 2
Character: 3
Story: 2
Grammar: 2
Total: 11
WINNER: DANTE
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 11-06-2015
Reading thoughts:
[spoiler]Magus Post 1
What a lovely start, with the quotes. Well-played, Sir, you speak to my love of Shakespeare and Henry V.
It’s been a loooong time since I read Magus. I enjoy how blatant he is. ‘You’ll die if you fight me.’ Cojones on this guy.
Shadow people? Does that tie into a previous storyline?
Black Mage Post 1
This is my first exposure to your character, but that first paragraph gave much such an amazingly clear picture of your character (or at least I hope it did).
“Backed against the wall the Black Mage attempted to dart to the side and evade the blow, but his opponent's quickness was equal to his own, and the Black Mage suffered a blow to right forearm.” – A lot of sentence. Little too much for my tastes.
I think it’s a really cool touch that he uses incantations, even if (IC) Magus isn’t a fan, although make sure you double-check after you write: “He grunted as he pulled his palms together, fingered outstretched as the epicenter of a small vortex, throwing his opponent backwards” – I believe that’s supposed to be ‘fingers’?
“The Warrior of Light threw one bubble at his shins with his left, then one with his right aimed in a straight shot at his chest, hoping to hit one way or another. His foe's reaction was quick enough to evade the first strike, but acid tore through cloth on the next, corroding into his body a few seconds later.” – I think that clever use of paragraph breaks could have added some extra tension to this scene. It might be something to play with in the future.
Magus Post 2
“Magus rolled his eyes. Another incantation? Really?” Magus IS a dick, haha.
““Poison, you goddamn, backwards, mouth-breathing, incantation-spewing, fucking Philistine,” he growled, struggling pathetically to try and get up off the floor. His hand wrapped around the guardrail and he pulled himself up, but what he saw caused him to topple back down.” – Philistine is an amusing slur.
TIE FIGHTERRRRR
Black Mage Post 2
Wait, did his arm just get blown the heck off?! Brutal.
“To say his body cringed was an understatement,” – I think you might have picked the wrong verb?
Magus Post 3
“The lightning that the Scarecrow commanded was powerful stuff, indeed. His leather chest plate had melted and fused to his flesh where the arcane energy had struck him, and his limbs twitched and spasmed uncontrollably.” – Brutal. Loved this paragraph.
Black Mage Post 3
Some good stuff. Lots of emotion. I’d toy with paragraph length.
I enjoyed the references to the previous fight and the fact that Magus kills kids (fuck that guy).
Both of you:
It was a nice fight. You’re both good writers, but there was a part of me that felt like not a whole lot happened? I dunno. I felt like I breezed through the reading part of this with having to pause much to digest the action.
I’d also avoid recapping – you both do it, and it’s rarely necessary in situations like this. Just take the hand you were dealt and roll with it.[/spoiler]
Magus Score Card
Description and Clarity
3.5 – I feel like this was certainly your strong point. You do an amazing job setting a scene and describing the action that ensues. You paint a beautiful tapestry with all your words, and at no point did I find myself rolling my eyes at any blatant use of thesauruses (it happens to me every now and again as I read stuff). It’s all very organic for the reader, and that’s something I think you’ve always been great at. Glad to see the years have been kind to you.
Voice
4 – I often tell people to work on things like changing up the structure of sentences and paragraphs, but I see you doing a lot of that in your posts. Your posts flowed, very well. You incorporated a lot of thoughts and ‘extra’ stuff (like questions that weren’t necessarily thoughts) that didn’t drag down the narrative. Everything flowed nicely from start to finish.
Character
3 – Ahhh, Magus is such a terrible person. Has he always been this way? I read the end of your last fight where he nonchalantly murders a child as part of an experiment, and here he is, insulting someone he just met for using chants. What a dick. I wanted Black Mage to beat this guy’s face in by the time I was halfway through the thread. The downside, however, is (and this is reflected below as well), I didn’t feel like Magus was really threatened or challenged until after the crash. There were some run-ins with shadow people and Black Mage’s offensive, but it seemed like it took the crash and the poison to really crack open Magus’ mind. He became a whole lot ‘realer’ after that moment in the fight, and I wish I could have had that connection with him from the get-go.
Story
1.5 – This isn’t an indictment on your writing talent, because I’m going to say the same thing for Black Mage, but for some reason, this fight didn’t click with me. The writing was solid, but the actual actions that occurred were very dry. Exchanging spells, stepping into shadows, exchanging spells… the diversion with the TIE Fighter was a nice concept, but as a whole, I was pretty underwhelmed with the content of the fight. It was like the character involved were just going through the motions.
Grammar and Spelling
4 – I didn’t catch any major screw ups here.
Total Score - 18
Black Mage Score Card
Description and Clarity
3 – Very solid. There were places where I feel like you could have incorporated some more details (especially since you had wiggle room in terms of words remaining). You do a good job describing what is occurring in your posts, though. You can fine-tune some of it, but I like how your spell-casting works. A nice, old-school touch.
Voice
2 – Standard. Like many writers, you stick to a very standard set up of large paragraphs that often begin with speech and go on until more talking occurs. I’m not saying that’s atrocious, but it does get repetitive for a reader. Try to mix it up. You don’t really need an excuse to make a new paragraph (not that you should do so willy-nilly, of course, but try to experiment with how your posts look visually. It might seem like a strange thing, but it does help the flow and can even create tension for the reader.
Character:
2 – I feel like, after the first post, I stopped being able to keep a bead on Black Mage. If I may ask here… does he speak outside of spell-casting? Your writing referred to Magus as a child-killer but I felt like there was so much more you could have done with that to really made it fuel Black Mage’s efforts to defeat Magus.
Story:
1 – The same thing I told Magus is true for you. Your writing was on par with the rest of the Omniverse, but the actual fight itself felt like it was lacking something. Maybe that’s simply a result of the two characters not lending themselves to overly dramatic action set-pieces? I’m not sure. I liked the writing from the perspective of another writer, but as a reader, I wasn’t moved. There weren’t any passages that made me stop and stare with wide eyes (almost with that arm thing, but I felt like that was breezed over?!) or let out a hearty ‘boh boh boh.’
Grammar and Spelling
2 - About on-par with everyone else here. I’d keep an eye on grammar and make certain to always read over everything a second time. You didn’t have any blatant spelling mistakes, but there were a few missed marks and incorrect words that you may have caught with a second glance-through.
Total Score = 10
WINNER: Magus
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 11-08-2015
[spoiler]Kakashi Post 1
Oh shit that thing is porcelain. “Visage,” be careful of it, it’s really over-used. I do the same thing.
I think you set up this scene well.
I like that you acknowledged the crowd. I am unsold on the thing that was yelled, but I’m glad somebody was yelling something.
Good characterization of Strazio with his irritation.
“This should be interesting.” How did this exposition add to your narrative? I think it adds a little bit of voice, but I think that generalized “inner monologue” things usually detract. The only reason I’m on the fence about it is because it’s very “anime,” which is where your character originates from, which adds to characterization? I’m torn.
I like that Kakashi noticed his opponent’s lack of weapons and what that implies.
The characterization of a trained, killer ninja is carried through how he’s thinking about tactics and noticing things about his opponent is great.
“A tower shield adorn with what appeared” typo
Again, part of the anime style, but you’re telling us a lot about what’s happening through exposition instead of showing us what’s happening through the story. It’s certainly not awful yet, but trading exposition for movement that describes what a character is feeling might be a good way to move.
Good characterization of Straz with his yelling.
I like the way you sold that jutsu. Momentarily changing the perspective to Strazio came off really naturally and smoothly, and it allowed the reader to share in the surprise. Good movement, good action.
I feel like a lot of the tension and waiting paid off in this round, because even though the move was simple it felt important.
Strazio Post 1
THANK YOU for just starting the post moving forward, and not back-tracking.
Nice use of “gore” with the teeth. I can FEEL that haha
“Strazio did the only thing he could do, he spat.”
Might be better as:
“Strazio did the only thing he could do: He spat.” Or something similar. It just read kinda weird.
Watch dat word repetition.
I really like the delivery and effect of the blood/spit explosion.
I feel like the pacing of that paragraph was weird, I had to re-read it a few times to get what was being said. It may just be my style to have longer sentences, but that rapid-fire of short sentences really threw me off.
I love that Strazio is just a BALL OF IRRITATION. Good character development paragraph.
Little paragraph typo there.
I like all these little details that you’re throwing in. I can really see the scene and how the character is moving.
I LOVE that you jacked up his speech because he’s missing teeth.
“Fusillade,” good word.
I really like that you aren’t afraid to show your character being “weak.” I like that he’s getting pissed that he can’t find him, I like that Kakashi is getting in attacks. It’s dynamic. It’s enjoyable to read.
Not knowing exactly what Strazio’s powers are, that part with him exploding into fireflies was really cool. You sold it well.
Kakashi Post 2
I like the intent of what you’re doing with the first 2 sentences, but there really can be too much verbosity. You lose the meaning and depth of what the scene is when I’m stumbling over a wall of words. Like, awesome vocabulary, but don’t dump it on us all at once or it gets bewildering. It took me a few reads of this paragraph to fully grasp what was going on.
That expository paragraph didn’t slow us down too much and it gave a little insight into Kakashi’s headspace, so I’d say it’s a good one.
“The mage, however, had sustain a good” lil typo
I like the description of things in this section.
“sorcerer savagely stalked” love that alliteration
I find it funny that the pacing of each of your posts are so different. Your scenes are so “anime”, in a good way, while Strazio’s follow a more traditional writing format. I like that. Strong Voice.
The scene where Straz is looking for clones, but there are non. Oh my goodness, humor. Amazing. I love that. It seems like a loyal depiction of Strazio too.
BROKEN MASK.
Strazio Post 2
The intro is really getting me amped
“Another liter of flowed from his gut” lil typo
Dear god it’s the 2nd round and Straz is already hemorrhaging to death. GOOD STUFF.
Might have broken that paragraph after Kakashi rolled away.
Ah, cool, that’s how he stops himself from bleeding to death. Dig it.
Weird paragraph spacing, but whatever.
I like that exposition.
Good action, nice back and forth.
Using the environment. Woo!
Kakashi Post 3
Solid opening.
Watch word repetition. “many years since he truly had any such a feeling. He had vowed to kill off emotion years ago”
Nice comparison to a weapon in his hand
I like it that he can’t tell exactly what’s wrong with him. I think the bone shield metaphor is really on-point, but the execution could have come through a little better with a little more time. It feels tacked on as it is.
I like that you went with a sludgy lower level.
I feel like all of that exposition just really cut us off of a really high-tension moment, and it sort of killed the momentum. The following action picked the pace back up again, but I feel like you just hit pause in the middle of an action scene.
I like that the cudgel came back around.
Strazio Post 3
Fucking awesome intro. The repetition of “reprieve” was intentional and well used here. Good exposition.
Dramatic “tearing-off-my-shirt scene” is a go. A+
It’s a slow paced scene, but it’s got a lot of tension, so it FEELS like it’s moving forward. The information you provide feels pertinent, not information I would have gleaned on my own, or it at least provides details to things I’m already imagining. It slows the reader down, but it doesn’t weigh down the scene with superfluous info or redundant info that we’ve already figured out.
I actually really like that it’s devolved into a mud-wrestling match. It’s sloppy and desperate. I love it.
Really good ending. I like that Strazio is in a totally desperate position, with half an ace up his sleeve.[/spoiler]
Kakashi
Description & Clarity: 3
Really good stuff. You got pretty flowery in certain points, which made it easy to trip over huge word after huge word. Stringign together a few larger terms in a loquacious sentence can be done, but it has to be done carefully and with flourish. I feel that, at times, you were just beating us over the head with a thesaurus. Again though, overall, very very very good stuff. I was impressed.
Voice: 3
The “overdub” of exposition added to your Voice at times, and the calm, collected nature of your narrative added to the characterization also. I think taking a bit of time to really master tension and a more ethereal feeling to your writing; pauses, slowing things down, adding more smoke and mystery to your sentence structure, would really hammer home your ninja character’s ideals and style, though.
Character: 3
You handled both characters on the page very well! You wrote their actions and their reactions with an honest and straightforward approach, even involving humor when appropriate. I think one area you need to work on is your dialogue. It felt a bit forced at certain points. They just didn’t sounds like things that a person would say.
Story: 2.5
Those expositional pauses are what hurt your score the most here. The rest of the story was really fun, especially in the first post. After that, I almost felt like you were playing catch up, taking all of your posts to respond to Strazio’s action as opposed to really branching out and making your own. Again, I think that you would have had more room to move forward if you would cut back on the exposition. A little bit offers insight, but too much just bogs things down and prevents the story from moving forward.
Fun fact: the original reason that there was so much “down time” in anime (and why there still is today) was to cut down on production costs. It was cheap. The more pausing meant that there was less frames that had to be drawn. The more inner monologue, the less movement on the screen. It became a part of the style, and now it can be used to great effect in certain shows. And yes, you CAN use that style in your posts, but don’t be CHEAP with your words. Trim the fat, and give us only the prime cut.
Grammar: 3
A few typos I pointed out above, and a few weird formatting choices throughout. Just proofread, and make sure that your punctuation supports the flow of the sentence. IT’s all the reader has to go off of.
Total: 14.5
Description & Clarity: 3.5
You were really knocking it out of the park there were certain parts that sort of broke down, which you can note in my impressions log up top, which is what brought this score down. You used some good vocab without weighing your writing down with it. Good work.
Voice: 3
Your storytelling voice keep good pace with the action and drama, and helps us understand your character pretty well. I think it could use a little bit more emphasis, as at some points it seemed to fall a little flash when I was looking of a crescendo.
Character: 3
You hammered down Strazio’s big, anger attitude in most of your posts. Very good characterization captured through movement, a little bit of introspection, and action. You did Kakashi justice also. I would perhaps try to fit in the LITTLE details about the character. Small details, little movements, personal tics, that kind of thing. It really brings a character to life when you zoom in on the small stuff.
Story: 3.5
You kept the story moving, and everything felt important. You didn’t backtrack unnecessarily, and the one time you did I barely noticed because you made it full of new, interesting info and action. You maintained a good sense of drama without slowing down your action.
I liked the way you used simple elements to great effect, but with all the crazy stuff on the field, maybe a few more creative solutions to problems would have spiced things up. Good use of the sludge with the mud-fight.
Grammar: 3
There were a few major issues in the writing, mainly typos and the like, but also your wild inconsistency with paragraph spacing and indentation didn’t help you out here, either. Just try to keep it consistent, whatever you choose to do.
Total: 16
Very close fight, and I don’t usually mess with decimals, but you both inspired me to give you extra .5’s on your scores. You’re both really really good writers, and I’d be honored to write with you one day.
WINNER: STRAZIO ROCKWELL
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
You can chose to either execute, banish or spare you opponent in a final post of any length. If no post is made by the time your next fight begins, it will be assumed that they were spared.
Re: Colosseum Results - Storyteller - 11-08-2015
Wakka Vs. Dante!
Before I begin, I wanted to mention I took careful consideration on the matter of deadlines. After investigation -I checked, and had someone else check- and found only Wakka posted late once, so the mention of Dante posting out of time just kind of confused me? Anyway, there will be no deduction for Dante, who posted on time every round.
Dante
Description and Clarity: 3
Quote:At least, he was fortunate in his super-powerful ability to jump, only barely whiffing the threat of the roiling clouds below before planting his feet on the next metal surface.
On the other side of the battlefield, Wakka shared some of Dante's sentiments, but not his maneuverability. Scrambling to regain his balance, the blitzballer managed to fall onto the actual platform of the steeled edge he had jumped for.
Don’t be afraid to really describe the gritty actions. This is the first post, but it’s also the second round, so I have a bit higher of expectations for the way things like setting are described. It was clear, but could have used a few more adjectives or description for intrigue purposes. Keep in mind that the introduction post should also entice the reader, we should be inclining our heads to find out what happens next!
Quote:Closing the distance between himself and the shelter he saw his foe dart behind, Dante held up for a moment to bound dramatically into the air. Spreading his arms into useless wings, he aimed for the shacked platform with the cheers of his renewed supporters. With Dante out of Wakka's sight, the latter wisely assumed the worse and backpedaled out of the shack- just as the devil hunter crashed down feet-first on the roof.I would start out with “as he closed the distance...” but thats just a quick suggestion, I liked this sentence because of the visual, and felt like it was essential for the rest of the post and helped the action parts “take off.”
Nice phrasing right here
Quote:His accent called to Dante, "How's that fo' ya'? A Blitzball don't taste so good, eh?"
Quote:Wakka was about to taunt his opponent again when the sudden shriek of metal-on-metal rang out. Cringing at the shrill noise, the athlete grit his teeth in expectancy.
Again, don’t forget what he was expecting! Sometimes little details like this are the perfect spots for imagery evoking emotion.
Quote:What he wasn't expecting was the metal shelter being cut in half, and the top half being kicked at him. The blitzballer dove in panic off to another platform, scrambling spreadeagled to the center while the metal plates crashed along the surface behind him.
Quote:With Dante's one free arm now barely holding him away from the abyss of pestilence, the one thought that came to mind was, "That was an embarrassing mistake." Returning his trusty greatsword to it's place behind his back, the devil hunter paid attention to the space above him; his newly empty hand fell below his waistline in anticipation.Your second post had a much stronger pull to the descriptions, and I felt like you bounced off of Wakka’s writing really well.
Quote:he worked with it best, the athlete was left with little other fighting options -switch out “the athlete” and “he” for a better, smoother read.
Quote:In other news, Dante found himself just about to plant a foot up his own ass. Albeit inadvertently, he had knocked this otherwise fairly chill guy (from what Dante guessed) into a horrific void of venomous slog- and that wasn't the kind of thing he would wish on most anyone.there is a word limit, but in the future don’t be afraid to say more cause and effect things. Why was he a chill guy? Obviously in this situation it fit very well and was inferred for the reader, but it is always beneficial to think along those lines!
Quote:Still, taking the brunt of an explosion like that looked terribly painful to such an otherwise plain individual as Wakka.This sentence felt like it needed a slight formatting change, or a comma/additional touch. On the otherhand, it had a good lens for how Dante may have spoken/narrated it himself.
Quote:Oh well, only one way to find out now.The flow may have sounded a little bit more conclusive with “there was” only one way to find out now, added.
You did well in this category, however I felt a bit of struggle when competing with some of Wakka's descriptions, don't worry about trying to match another's style, but focus on your own adaptation to theirs. Throughout the match, your writing gradually increased, which I think in itself is a good measure of improvement.
Voice: 3.5
Quote:That said, it wasn't as if Dante's particular siding came without benefits, he noted when turning his gaze to the armory of demon-flavored weapons. Hellfire cannons, volcanic polearms, a jet-black whip... nothing he personally recognized, but all tempting nonetheless. That artillery gun looked awfully powerful, but the devil hunter doubted he would turn to it even in a pinch.
I liked the inclusion of this during the first post, it added a little flavor to the scene, and I liked how it was made relevant by the character.
Quote:he'd forge his own path to victory.
During your first post, your flow seemed a little inhibited, but in the second, I felt like you had more time to find a good writing pace. Good work.
Quote:Wakka's scarlet plume of hair whipped about several times as he searched for his ball. A lump very quickly rose in his throat when he realized it could've fallen away,
Quote:No longer about to die, and with air back in his lungs proper,“proper” just seems like an extra word, but it didn’t sound bad in the way this sentence was read.
Quote:The fantastic comeback was met with Wakka winding up another throw with the sport ball. Surely, Dante couldn't counter it at this range - but he did, sniping the orb right out of the athlete's grip with a deftly-placed bullet.
Quote:He turned tail, sprinting away from the ensuing giant rays of green-flavored annihilation. Beneath his boots, the iron island was easily razed apart by the onslaught of the Empire's advanced weaponry, and Dante leaped for his life. In the whipping wind came the cry of the bloodthirsty crowd, the scream of the powerful lasers, and the yell of an over-hyped Wakka.
To conclude this category, you had a good lens, and Dante's character was well described. I felt like there could have been a little more done. In the future I suggest really bringing it into Dante's perspective, however I don't mean spend the whole post, a small excerpt would have been nice just for a little extra information to draw in the reader. I also felt that this section you most improved on during the fight (as well as character) and I felt like that improved the battle, so it felt increasingly realistic.
Character: 3
Quote:Before he could even dare to kick the man away and into the pit of roiling toxin, however, the shine of gunmetal met Wakka's eyes and they went open wide. The nephilim didn't even crack a one-liner, simply sporting a fittingly demonic grin. The blitzballer let loose some guttural expression of panic, and immediately dived back as Dante pulled the trigger.Nice conviction there.
Quote: It occurred to the devil hunter than this whole arena, actually, was supposed to represent the industrial nightmare of Coruscant; but Dante couldn't blame the Empire for this, right here. They didn't make this arena, some madman here did, and with the intent of brutal death.Insightful! But I would have liked to see the cause and effect, how did Dante come to this conclusion, and how did it effect him. I liked the placement of this fact very much (as it was at the end of the post, which made it more consequential) however executing purpose is important to keep in mind, as that is where the reader is going.
The devil hunter paced up to the edge where Wakka topped over, and suddenly it was his turn to be caught off-guard. A futuristic weapons battery wasn't exactly was Dante was expecting or looking for, but it was there, and the blitzballer was behind it.
Quote: Dante's pistol arm returned the weapon to its holster, partially contemplating how he was going to win this match without actually killing the guy.I liked right here for story purposes too, Dante’s morals compromise his conviction and it is revealed he is forced to choose between morality (his ideals) and his motivation (his drive).
How faithless.
That... it couldn't have been the nephilim's inner voice. Or rather, the voice that actually reflected his being.
Quote:For a moment, Wakka's eyes widened at the prospect of what might ensure. With Dante's signature grin smacked right back on his face, both fighters squared off as the half-devil began twirling the blitzball in his hands. "Well, if you're so sure..." The cocky fighter mocked, sarcasm gilding his tone, "Let's see you prove it, eh?"Dante’s character is really cool, but I felt like I only got to see his really interesting side during the last post! Keep an eye on maintaining that sort of level, and I think you will do better in the future. Characters who are relatable (even the evil ones) can be the funnest part about a story if you let them be. I know when I find a character I adore, it makes me want to read them more. Also on this note, I felt like you used Wakka’s dialogue as a nice addition to your post. You had a good balance, so I don’t want you to feel too discredited, just keep in mind consistency and balance go hand in hand..
In the future, I would want you to show a bit more of Dante a little earlier, this may be preference, but a reader will always feel more from the story when they feel connected to the character, even when its an antagonist’s lens.
Only in the last two posts did I get a good idea of who Dante was and what he was fighting for. I appreciated his inclusion of morals, and felt at times, you did very well describing him and his actions. Accentuate those and make them more consistent, and I think you'll see a big difference on how distinguished your character is during the fight.
Story: 2.5
For me, the story picked up during your second and third posts, but there wasn’t much of a dramatic plot in the first round. To tie it in better next time, you could include a character fault, or touch on something that the settings elicit in the character or possible rebellion/retaliation for being placed in the tournament. I would have liked to see a little hinting/foreshadowing of the below a bit sooner, as it is your last post and its inclusion seems a bit ‘last minute’ to me.
Quote:Not gonna kill him, the nephilim chanted the mantra in his mind, more in defiance than reassurance.
Quote:No, wait, that was a good point. Actually defeating Wakka, have him lose the match by being unable to fight. Then, it was time to prove if the athlete truly poured all his faith into his blitzball...
As Dante rolled the idea over in his brain, the Besaid man painfully staggered onto the platform where his weapon laid. With a heave of his burning muscles, he leaned over to reclaim the ball, turning to face his approaching opponent. With a new note of determination sparking in his voice, Dante taunted, "Still trying to use a ball as a weapon? Dude, you could at least slap some spikes on it."
The above was really impacting to the plot that Dante’s malicious intent was quite awesome.
Quote:Lungs straining against their broken cage, he took a gulp of air and then released it, gritting through the unbearable burning pain in his lower body. Wakka wasn't even sure if he could kick the ball proper with those scorched legs, but the Aurochs would be damned if he didn't try.This was a great ending.
Lastly, I did like your story, however I felt like it depended on Wakka's input a lot. Create your own in the process. I also could have felt like this section was a tad weaker because of its gradual and "slow to fruition" approach. Three posts are a short time, and I think I prefer to see a lot/a good balance of action and drama. Extra malice, hissing through your teeth, that kind of thing. Consistency is important in this category, and I always try to weigh it into my judging, because story is what keeps the reader reading. In the future, you can help promote story by centering it around your character, or their motivation. As I felt like you were very strong in that category.
Grammar and Spelling: 2.5
Quote:part: fightingthe “F” could be capitalized. But I will say I really liked the sentenced this was used in.
Quote:Ultimately, the armory wasn't worth it; he'd forge his own path to victory.A semi colon did not seem like the correct punctuation, I think what would have worked a bit better was a hyphen.
Quote:It reminded him of one of the first hells he visited, a white void like the Nexus with many stone chunks to walk on - and very little else.This may be just preference, however I didn’t feel like the hyphen above was only partially fitting. I won’t be taking points off of this, but it might have had a cooler effect if you used “...” as it adds a little drama to the drawing of the sentence. Also, try an extended hyphen, and while my own keyboard doesn’t have it until I go find it on some long errand, I still feel the way it looks is more fitting when used in sentences. The half-hyphen helps align words.
Quote:Wakka had to think fast. His blitzball wasn't proving as effects as he had hoped this time,Effective, or “wasn’t proving to have the effects he had hoped this time” either or would fit a bit better, but it seemed like a really small mistake, so don’t worry too much over it.
Quote:The lump in Wakka's throat instantly migrated to his heart. Left toppling on his misplaced center of gravity, he paddled through the air in panic to reclaim his footing- physics soon claimed him, however, and the poor man began to drop.The hyphen seemed off to me, instead of using that, sometimes instead, a word will add to the finality of the end of the climatic sentence.
Quote:Wakka glanced around on the platform he had landed on: small and circular, but large enough to hold him and- a freaking artillery cannon.I thought that the use of a colon to separate the fact was a bit unnecessary, as you could say “it was small and circular, but large enough to hold him, and a freaking artillery canon.” Though I do recognize stylistic choice.
Quote:No, this isn't a dependence, the ex-Yevoner insisted for himself, this is emergency. I just need this now; just now-just be careful because we want the thoughts to be consistent. A bit earlier, the thoughts were in quotation marks and italics.
Quote:The 'dynamite kid' had synced with the half-devil so well in their determination and imperfections; before Dante now lay just an athlete with his favorite ball.the second half of the sentence is mixed up because of the extra word “before” and its placement which strains the sentence.
Quote:Ever the one to shake things things up, Dante received the blow head-on - or chest-on, as it were. He only recoiled back to dampen the shock (so that not all of his own ribs would break), but it was still quite clear the intention: catch the ball.A lot is going on here. After head-on, there should be a comma instead, “as it were” seems a bit out of place, but only tagged there for narration. The next has parenthesis, but I din’t really feel the placement was 100% necessary. Instead, you could have rephrased it. Lastly, “catch the ball” was an independent clause, so you should capitalize it, I also believe it has a stronger, more bold effect that way.
Total score: 14.5
Wakka
Description and Clarity: 4
Nice inclusion of the setting in your first paragraph, your word choice really elicited some potent imagery in me.
Quote:He swiped it through the blitzballer’s platform, but failed to draw blood; Wakka backflipped, and receded to a rhombus-shaped platform.This small fragment had some very nice consequence, and served a good purpose to recap before Wakka got the chance to rebound in the action.
Quote:This man was deadly serious. He emerged from one of the shelter’s halves, and glared towards the blitzballer. “Wanna try that again?” he said, throwing his sword over his shoulder.
Watch the pronouns, it was pretty early in the fight, and I still had to make sure I knew who you meant by this. Both opponents are male, so it isn’t quite as easy to make the characters distinguished by “he” or “she.”
Quote:(as of now) wielded a broadsword,Be careful of placement of parenthesis. While they help for clarity, they can occasionally staunch the flow of a sentence.
Quote:He overhand pitched his ball, intending to jar free the sword from Dante’s (if Wakka heard the pre-fight announcement correctly) grasp.Informative.
Quote:He rolled his blitzball down from the cradle of his arm, palming it in his right hand as he shot his eyes towards to his adversary’s hand. It worked last fight.Nicely put, and very concise.
Quote:Dante got the hell out of dodge. He escaped to a nearby platform—crashing and rolling from one end of it to the other—just before the plasma beams turned his prior one into a rendition of swiss cheese. Bullets followed his evacuation, dotting his crimson coat with cigarette-sized holes as it wrestled with the air. Wakka kept firing away. His entire being rattled with the constant recoil of the turret, but he guided his shots best he could. Soon as Dante made it to his new platform, the blitzballer was already grating the end of it with a sleet of green.Your attention to detail stunned me here.
Quote:He slumped his shoulders in defeat; all his opponent had to do was fire off a few more rounds from his pistol (three or four could dig Wakka’s grave).This information was very cool, and nicely phrased, however just take your time with it, and select when you want to use parenthesis sparingly.
Throughout the battle, your movements were very clear. In the future, I highly promote a bit more improvised actions, such as throwing sand in someone's face. I really enjoyed how you did mention the setting a few times, (both of the contestants) and felt like these extra details made it more realistic to imagine.
Voice: 4
Quote:By now, if Wakka still harbored hope of a Blitzball match then he was a fool. A damned fool.Your style as Wakka is wonderful. You kept this sentence brief yet I felt the character’s motive. I liked the simplicity of your writing throughout the post, but you still kept it at a good level of excellence that made the elaborateness subtle and not difficult to read.
Quote:It failed miserably. Dante took his sword and smacked the Blitzball away like a pestering fly. It darted back towards Wakka, and hit him right in the chest, sending his ass into the steel under him with a clang and thud. The bliztball sunk his head between his legs, and gasped for air.This action was vivid and the sentence was nicely written.
Quote:Wakka took to the turret like a soldier providing retreat fire. He grabbed each handle of the mounted gun, swiveling the gun over to Dante, and pressed his thumbs down on the buttons conveniently placed at the top of each handle. Elongated ovals of green energy shot from the gun’s barrel in rapid succession, pewing as they darted towards the white-haired man.
Quote:Dante’s eyes shot open. He murmured a word but it came out inaudible to the blitzballer, quelled by the whistling laser rounds and the buzzing vibration of the turret’s handles against Wakka’s closed palms.Your game upped from your last post, and your style is always very nice.
Your first two posts were very strong, and your last one came off a bit weaker than your previous posts at least until the final line, strive to keep that consistency, because your style really is unique to you.
Character: 2
Quote:that was Tidus’ realm. If only Tidus were here. He could pull of one of those one-legged, spin-around kicks, which would send the blitzball flying.Mention of Tidus is compelling, and makes me want to know more about Wakka. He wasn’t overtly super expressed, however I felt a lot of him in the voice and story, so it was harder for me to differentiate what I selected for character impacting, and plot/story and how those were delivered to effect the overall story.
In summary, I felt like Dante's description of his character was consistently more pronounced than Wakka's. I recognize this quality in myself and I can see certain ways it is easier to demonstrate another character's actions than focus on your own, (it can also help plot, so it isn't like I'm against it) however, I wanted to know more about Wakka, and while his vocalization was very strong, the information was subtle and came off as a bit vague to me.
Keep in mind, I did put some of Wakka's motivations under "story" which is where I feel it rightfully belongs. In the future, just focus on pronouncing Wakka's personality, and I think the reader will get a better sense of his character.
Story: 4
Quote:Baron Victor von Magnus—a burly man, aged like fine wine—appeared to be a man worth meeting, if Wakka could survive the tournament. Step Two of that process began now.This was nicely put, but I also liked the inclusion of “step two” which sounded intriguing, and snatched my attention. I was curious and asked myself, “What process?”
Quote:Wakka felt the killing blow hovering over his body, sweeping down to split him in two. But this was not the end. Not this early.“killing blow” was appreciated in the vocabulary, however I placed this excerpt in this category, because even though it was spoken so directly, I felt the vague sense of Wakka’s will in the outwardness that the sentence used. I liked how he still continues to fight as well.
Quote:May Yevon forgive him, for he had sinned. All of his beliefs denounced Machina use (even his brother died after folding under temptation), but it was necessary.This enhanced the plot and read for me.
Quote:AHHH!” Wakka roared as he struggled to guide the gun’s aim. His arms shook with each kickback of the turret.This part was very compelling.
He finally felt the power of Machina, and it was real. He could hardly maintain his control of the weapon. It shot wildly into the air—the green beams evaporated upon contact with the virtual ceiling—until he coralled it, and brought its focus to where it was intended.
Quote:The first shot ricocheted off of the face of the turret, and flew off into the distance.This part really enhanced the sense of desperation I got from Wakka.
The second shot must have been guided by Luke Skywalker himself; it drove down the barrel of the turret, and lodged into the back of it.
Wake had no time to react. The turret exploded into a spectacle of green and red, and sent him flying. He finally came to a landing, slamming against the surface of another platform, two-handful of yards away. He grimaced, and reached for his side. Broken ribs? Possibly. Definitely felt like something was broken; pain grabbed him under his arm, and squeezed away at his lung.
Quote:His lungs had no problem gulping down air, but once they filled to a certain capacity it felt like a pair of pliers pinching at his side; his chest trembled with every breath he drew. Saying it hurt would be an understatement. The pain squeezed him so viciously that the discomfort in his achilles all but evaporated. Same with the hole in his shoulder. He firmly rested his hand over his side, and felt around. A rib was definitely cracked, probably three.During this part ANYONE could feel the desperation, and though “a rib” could be changed to “at least one rib” I was still in favor of the word selection you used.
Quote:He slumped his shoulders in defeat; all his opponent had to do was fire off a few more rounds from his pistol (three or four could dig Wakka’s grave). In his current condition—swelling ribs, sizzled chest, injured achilles, punctured shoulder—he was in no condition to continue fighting. And without his ball, he had no means to defend himself. The only option available was to become another spectator in the coliseum, and watch Dante’s next move.
The crowd burst into a roar, and chants of “kill him, hill him!” emitted from various pockets of the area.
Quote:The platform that levitated under him was now behind him, and the only thing keeping him from descending into the pit of chemicals below was his own will to execute the trick shot.This was a nice spot to end it at. I liked the cliffhanger.
Overall, in this category you did very well. During the last post, I felt a bit of wavering on the strength, but I can see how that can happen when so long has passed from the original date. My suggestion, stay strong, and keep in mind the final post (and opening), is often the most remembered by the reader.
Grammar and Spelling: 3.5
Quote:Wakka smirked. “Why not, ya?”Comma instead, also, I wasn’t sure if you were slanging “you” or “yeah” but I didn’t really mind as the dialogue was gradually growing to engage the reader.
Quote:In any other circumstance, he would have forfeited (bloodlust was not a hobby of his), these circumstances were different; he needed information.I’m not a big fan of parenthesis being used in the same sentence as a semi colon
try “as” just before bloodlust, or try to accentuate the second “half” more to avoid the semi colon.Quote:Step TwoWell, this wasn’t a necessity, but I would have liked to see italics used instead of a capital T.
Quote:“I told you no more fooling around,”This is preference, but I think a comma after “I told you” might enhance the way it was said/spoken and the way that came across to the reader.
Quote:No wonder he caught da ball,” Wakka thought, can’t get no umph behind it.Misplaced quote, or you missed two. Missed should also be capitalized.
Quote:The blitzballer gritted his teeth; now he was being toyed withNot sure that semi colon was super necessary, but it didn’t take from the sentence’s overall effect on the reader.
Quote:one-ina-million trick shot,Jus’ separate the slang, yo’ (In-a).
Total Score: 17.5 x .667 = 11. 67
The Winner is Dante!